When your spouse is not your "first"


#21

[quote=MercedesBents]I’m happily married for 20+ years and hardly ever think about what’s past.

If you’re happy, why would you?
[/quote]

I don’t. If all is well, niether of you would.


#22

[quote=arthur l.]I guess what it all boils down to, (for me), is the little part in the vows that mentions “forsaking all others”. Innocent nostalgia aside, I think if you and your spouse are properly married, meaning right for each other, you don’t need those old memories and if you indulge in them, then there is something very wrong some were.
[/quote]

I think most of what’s described here is “innocent nostalgia.” I live half a world away from my home, and I don’t see the people or places that set off the memories. But we were visiting the Huz’s family a few years ago and ran into one of his old girlfriends at the grocery store.

You know how this story’s supposed to go, right? She’s supposed to be dumpy and sad, hair in curlers and reeking of cheap gin, right? She was sweet and lovely and kind, and (for a 40-year-old woman) she was smoking hot. The Huz was happy to see her, and she was happy to see him. He spent the rest of the evening with a kind of dreamy smile on his face.

When we were alone, I said, “Do you want to tell me about her?” And he did. Not the Penthouse things, but he told me how they met, how they fell in love, some of the things they did together, and how they went their separate ways. It was nice for him to remember, and it was nice for me to see him relive a happy time in his life. I got to know him a little better, too.

Am I threatened by this? Nonsense. He married me almost 19 years ago. We’ve travelled all over this country, shared good times and bad. We’ve three wonderful children together. We’ve shared a bed more times than I can count, and they’re good times. If he wants to indulge in some old memories from time to time, that’s fine by me. When he comes to bed, I’m going to be the one in it, waiting for him.

He loves me. I love him. People have history. So what?


#23

My hubby was neither my first or second …:rolleyes: I really believed as a young woman that I should be as able to engage in sexual relations as a man. I was looking for something deeper but I was terrified of anything that could hurt me.

.My hubby was almost 21, which is very young but he had already been with several women before we met. Many of these were one night stands. He had one deep love when he was an older teenager but the girl’s parents made them break up.

My first love was not sexual and I have fond memories still but they are not anything that I dwell on or fantasize about. I wish the man well and am thankful that he, as a much older male, did not take advantage of the innocence that I had at 16. I do not wish to engage in a relationship with this man but I do pray that he finds true and enduring love with another woman.

I did think that I loved the first guy that I slept with and perhaps I did. I never think of him now or at least very rarely. I certainly hope that he does well in life and becomes a Christian. It would make me feel good to know that he has a boat load of children and an adoring wife.

I feel no jealousy toward my hubby’s first love. I actually think that she was rather stupid for letting him slip away from her.

We have to understand what love is. The love you feel when you first fall in love is nowhere near as deep or amazing as what you feel in later years. The love I experienced when I first married my husband can’t compare to what I feel now and I am certain that what I feel now won’t compare to the emotion that I will feel for him twenty years down the road.

When people get stuck on a first love then they are stuck on the memory not the person. Your first love is no longer the same person that you fell in love with. They have changed and moved beyond you.


#24

[quote=arthur l.]Thanks for all the responses. Interesting posts so far.

I guess what it all boils down to, (for me), is the little part in the vows that mentions “forsaking all others”. Innocent nostalgia aside, I think if you and your spouse are properly married, meaning right for each other, you don’t need those old memories and if you indulge in them, then there is something very wrong some were.

"…I was robbed of what should have been rightfully MINE.
To give - and to have received.

Someone else shared with him that first “wonder” and excitment and even awkwardness of sexual union…"

We seem to be “hard wired”, if I can borrow a modern catch phrase, both men and women, to be deeply united/bonded, with your “first”. This is a good thing in the proper context/manner.
As I mentioned earlier, this helps couples, (if each other is the first), through the doldrums, or hard times in a marriage. Especially in the later years when the fire, (eros) dies down. With a couple who have had others, the temptation is to look back at the “greener grass” in lulls. Not a good thing. I think you are robbing your spouse what is rightly is theirs. Also it can be a hindrance to fixing any problems between spouses. In other words, why work on the problem when I can wallow in in my past where I had so much fun?

“If only young people KNEW the full ramifications of pre-marital sex.”

I’m hoping younger folks contemplating life choices will read this thread. It was not enough for adults to say to me when I was young, “pre marital sex is sinful. Yada, yada”. It’s an act that can , and probably will, significantly effect the rest of your life.
[/quote]

well after reading what you have said you yourself are dwelling in the past as well,I am not sure if its your spouses half or are feeling like you missed out, Our pasts make us every bit of whom we are, you say you feel like you were robbed, I am sure you knew before marriage you were not the first, so you should not feel robbed at all, Instead you should feel high and mighty that your spouse picked you to be with the rest of thier life.
but instead you are choosing to feel down about it…
have you ever thought about something in your past? maybe a vacation, a cookie a relative made at Christmas, etc? nothing wrong with that right? well its the same way looking back at everything we do in our pasts, if we dont stop and take a look back now and then how the heck are we supposed to not keep making the same mistakes or the same “goods”,
should I feel robbed as a man because I never had a virgin?
society tells us that we men should have many under our belts.
I do not feel robbed because i wasnt the player most others were.
and it wasnt fpor religious reasons back then either that i was the way i was, I just happen to have more respect for myself and whom i was with,I had a rule I followed to the T, if even a sip of alcohol was consumed I wouldnt touch them, period…

But we cannot sit and dwell on our own or our significant others pasts, for one its not healthy to be so worried,it can cause ulcers and other medical problems and for what? not a single thing that matters in the now,and for something that cannot be changed.
If you are having such a hard time with this and not being able to stop judging your spouse over this you really should talk to someone, By your “feelings of being robbed” you are indeed judging your spouse and not only that but as Guilty.
and I am sorry to say what happened before you both met is irrelevant, worry about today, tomoorow and next week,month,and year, Take your relationship ahead, quit holding it back.
and relize your spouses occasional rememberence is nothing to worry about…

DEB1: Couldnt agree with you more either, perfect response.

God Bless and good luck in this
John

P.S. I am going to add a little more to this book,

There are definatly two groups of people in this world.
unfortunatly a small group is the Virgins at wedding day.
then the non Virgins on wedding day.

My views on this are my own of course but neither group is right nor wrong, I know Church teaching on this,and I know my personal feelings as well…

the Op stated They feel “robbed” and I could easily reply what do you feel robbed out of being able to bring up the fumbling and bumbling to possibly humiliate your spouse, I know thats not the reason but some of us believe we are much better off getting that
"first time" out of the way before we settle down with the person we want to be with the rest of our lifes so we dont have to feel that
"embarrassment" everytime we get a strange look from them…

I could put in so many reasons for and against its rediculous really…

sorry about the "BOOK"
John


#25

[quote=Penny Plain]I think most of what’s described here is “innocent nostalgia.” He spent the rest of the evening with a kind of dreamy smile on his face.

When we were alone, I said, “Do you want to tell me about her?” And he did. Not the Penthouse things, but he told me how they met, how they fell in love, some of the things they did together, and how they went their separate ways. It was nice for him to remember, and it was nice for me to see him relive a happy time in his life. I got to know him a little better, too.
[/quote]

excellent post, and sounds like you have everything in life for a long and happy marriage whats best that i can see is the totally open communication.
you couldnt have hit a more perfect nail when you stated you GOT to KNOW him better as well.
if less people were so worried and insecure, spouses could get to know each other as if they grew up together. I think you about have that, and 20 yrs down the road I want that as well with my spouse…

thank you for sharing
God Bless

      John

#26

[quote=johntkd]excellent post, and sounds like you have everything in life for a long and happy marriage whats best that i can see is the totally open communication.
you couldnt have hit a more perfect nail when you stated you GOT to KNOW him better as well.
if less people were so worried and insecure, spouses could get to know each other as if they grew up together. I think you about have that, and 20 yrs down the road I want that as well with my spouse…

thank you for sharing
God Bless

      John

[/quote]

I really don’t think it’s too fair to label spouses who carry personal pain in this area as “insecure” and “worried” etc. :mad:

I highly recommend you take the time to read “Theology of the Body” and “Good News About Sex & Marriage” by Christopher West - and also visit the “Pure Love” Club website and read the great information and *truth * there.
Then maybe you will understand a little better - through a theological lens as opposed to a more secular pop psychology way of looking at things - just why a spouses previous experiences of sexual intimacy with someone other than you hurts.
There is a good reason why God gave us the commandments and instructions as He did.
Because they are the ones that will **protect ** us and others from the effects of sin.

Please don’t assume that a spouses prior sexual experiences were done BEFORE they met their spouse.
That is not always the case.


#27

[quote=DVIN CKS]Here’s a question:
Can you have a first love who you never slept with?

I believe my “first true love” was a guy who I never slept with. Boy did I love him though!!
[/quote]

Wow! I thought I was the only one that felt this way. I used to always talk myself out of it by saying that it was an infatuation not true love. It has been extremely difficult not to think about this guy during my recent (1yr) marital upheaval :frowning: . I am praying the Divine Mercy twice a day. Once for me and my girls and the other for my husband. Yet, I still find myself thinking about this guy I never slept with. He is married now and has a child of his own…sometimes I think it is the evil one . I always want to be true to my vows even though my husband has severed many through selfishness and lack of communication.


#28

If only young people KNEW the full ramifications of pre-marital sex.

Exactly. If only they can stand back and ask themselves, “Do I really want to sleep with someone else’s future spouse?” :bigyikes:


#29

That is a powerful statement! I definitely needed to hear that …Praise God! He does answers prayers. Not necessarily on our terms, but better yet when I least expect it. I am in LOVE with my CREATOR!!! :love: :heart:


#30

John;

Actually the statement of being robed was a quote from another poster. Although I must admit empathy for this sentiment.
As I have previously stated, I don’t live in the past. My wife makes her past part of the here and now were it does not belong and interferes with what should be between us.

Of course, the whole thing could have been avoided if we saved our selves for marriage. The whole point. The part in the wedding vows that state “forsake all others” covers the problem if any or both of you didn’t save your selves for marriage. Willfully indulging in illicit past is a violation of the vows and generally speaking, a sin.

As far as “fumbling and bumbling” about the first time, well let’s just say everyone is different.

If the first experience leaves such a powerful and indelible mark on our psyches, then why not share it with your spouse?

BTW, thanks for the well wishes. Talking helps. I asked for opinions and I got them. Thanks, Art


#31

If only young people KNEW the full ramifications of pre-marital sex.

Exactly. If only they can stand back and ask themselves, “Do I really want to sleep with someone else’s future spouse?” :bigyikes:

Yes, that is a good point, but I’m sorry to say that, that thought would not deter many young people, especially young men. I speak from experience.

What they really need to know is what a powerful thing sex is. Teaching them all the positive aspects of saving your virginity for your wedding night is good but not quite effective enough.

Young people need to see what it can and does, (to some anyway), to future relationships. Especially if you find a wonderful spouse. I think the problem is more acute and painful, the more you are in love with your spouse. That is my opinion anyway.


#32

I understand what your saying, and I also agree if she is spending excessive time remembering her past, then there is probably a problem somewhere, and now its your job to open communications about it,and I suspect with your current mind frame that will be hard for you to listen to and just as hard for your spouse to open up and discuss,

Most of my reply you had quoted in your last post more or less to me was more a generalized reply not directed exactly at you,Most people i talk to feel embarrassed about thier first times,lots of times regret, esspecially with women.

My main thing in my posts is to not dwell on what has happened in the past because 1) it cannot ever be changed.
2) its taking away from the total commitment you are supposed to be giving to whom you are with.

now I agree this needs to be a 2 way street as well.unfortunatly you have no idea why your spouse is looking back all the time, but they could be for a better reason that you are thinking, thats why its time to sit and have a heart to heart.

My statement about being “insecure” I still stand by that, esspecially being as you seemed concerned that she is remembering in a sinful way, The way i would be looking at it is
she may be looking back and remembering bits and pieces of something that happened but she is with me, I was the one whom was so important to her that she wanted to spend the rest of her LIFE with me. everything else is chicken feed.

God works in mysterious ways Art, Had you talked to me a year ago i would have told you that there was no such thing as a god,
I hated my life,didnt care if I was alive or not,wasnt eating was on a very destructive path not only spiritually, but physically as well.
went from a normal of 22 yrs weight of 205 pounds to 158 pounds
I could go on and on, Then something so major happened to me.
And noone of this world could prove it wasnt a Pure act of God,
which has totally changed my way of thinking, my views on life,
and my life. When I had reached my rock bottom God showed me what I was meant to do,whom to be with.etc.

Now what I do from here out is up to me, I can choose to turn my head away from what was intended, or i can take what God has given me and add forth 100% and be happy,ecstatic, etc

Your calling is your spouse! you can put forth 100% and be happy or you can choose to turn your head on What God has handed you and worry about something that quite frankly shouldnt matter at this point in your life.

Talk this over with her, let her know of your discomfort,
If you keep this to yourself,your mind will turn it into something really terrible and it will destroy you.I hate to actually use terms like this but satan is playing on your concerns and fears,
Jesus is far more powerful than satan,BUT to us we cannot even comprehend how powerful Satan can be, Unless we look at all the bad in the world,imagine how bad it could be without good people standing up and going against it,well whats all bad in this world is also going on in your mind,its powerful and you cannot fight against it alone,communication is the key to fighting satan,
United you stand divided you fall is a great example, satan tries to divide and “conquer”

anyways you have been called on by God to ’ FORGIVE" your spouse of her past,would you want Jesus keeping things on you on your Judgement day, that have Hurt him in some ways?
Or would you rather see that everything you have ever asked Forgiveness on is tossed in heavens Trash?
When you married your spouse that was your “commitment” to forgiving her of her past, and to you her past should have left in the trash at the Church you were married in…Jesus empties that Trash
all the time,But it cannot be emptied if its not there…

God Bless you and hope you can get past this issue

                                        John

#33

I highly recommend you take the time to read “Theology of the Body” and “Good News About Sex & Marriage” by Christopher West - and also visit the “Pure Love” Club website and read the great information and truth there.

Could you please give a link to the site? Thanks, Art


#34

[quote=contemplative]White, Barry - My first, my last, my everything

♫♫

He ( my husband ) is my first, my last my everything.

♫♫

I can only imagine how a first love…unwed and parted would haunt me.
[/quote]

The Lyrics to My first, my last, my everything :smiley: Artist Barry White

The first, the last, my everything
And the answer to all my dreams
You’re my sun, my moon, my guiding star
My kind of wonderful, that’s what you are
I know there’s only, only one like you
There’s no way they could have made two
You’re all I’m living for
Your love I’ll keep for evermore
You’re the first, your the last, my everything

And with you I’ve found so many things
A love so new only you could bring
Can’t you see it’s you
You make me feel this way
You’re like a fresh morning dew on a brand new day
I see so many ways that I
Can love you till the day I die
You’re my reality, yet I’m lost in a-a-a a dream
You’re the first, the last, my everything

I know there’s only, only one like you
There’s no way they could have made two
Girl you’re my reality
But I’m lost in a-a-a a dream
You’re the first, you’re the last, my everything


#35

Yep, I remember that song. Now it’s on oldies stations. deep baritone voice “Just you an me baby” :smiley:

You are lucky. I envy that little treasure you both have.


#36

[quote=LovedForever]My husband had a past and I did not. Let me tell you that it STILL hurts and haunts me after 20+ years of marriage! :frowning:

[/quote]

Well my husband was my first but I was not his. Probably the first few years of marriage I thought about it from time to time but certainly not after 15 years of marriage. He was product of his enviroment where “boys will be boys” and his mom gave him condoms as a teenager. We were still in highschool when we met and he had already been quite promiscuos. He didn’t really have a mature loving relationship with any of his past girlfriends and our relationship absolutely pales in comparison.

You’ve really got to let this go. Twenty years later and your still experiencing heart ache over this? If you have a loving faithful marriage relationship why still nurse this injury from more then 2 decades ago. Have you never forgiven him his past? I would asked God to give you the grace to have peace in this area and stop torturing yourself thinking of your husbands “other women” from more then 20 years ago.


#37

As far as the posters question I can’t say for myself because my husband was my only (but before we were married -wasn’t practicing Catholic at the time.) I know about my husbands past “encounters” we talked about it over the years. We’ve talked about them in a very realistic way not some warm fuzzy walk down memory lane. But then again guys are much better at seperating sex from love.

I don’t think your wife should be sharing these fond memories the way she is. I think it’s immature on her part and sound like just maybe she may be trying to make you a little jealous. Some women mistake jealousy for love and they do things to get a reaction out of their man. I’m not saying she is doing this for sure but maybe it’s a possibility.And some people really hang onto their past and have a hard time letting go of some people that used to be in their lives. I had a major crush on a guy that spanned about 4 years during my teenage years. I hear songs that remind me of him (or that did back in highschool) and sometimes I smile at the memory but I certain do not say to my husband this song reminds me of xxxx.

Theres are reason why God made it so we can’t read each others thoughts, because some thoughts are better left unsaid.


#38

I still can’t relate to decent catholic married couples going all misty-eyed when “our song” of the “first love” comes on the radio. I’d be feeling utterly ashamed of myself if I felt that way. I feel naughty enough if I’m briefly distracted by a pretty young thing in a short skirt, but at least there it’s a shallow and passing thought. To have an aching longing for another, whilst being married in the Church to your spouse, surely that’s gone past the point of serious sin?? Isn’t this a form of adultery?

I’d only offer two thoughts:

(a) If that “other love” were so good, then why aren’t you married to that person right now?

(b) Do you truly BELIEVE in the Sacrament of Matrimony, and believe that there’s a presence of God in your marriage which lifts what you have now to a level that’s so much greater than the “other love”?

I’m sure a lot of reflecting and a whole lot of prayer is in order.


#39

[quote=JeffAustralia]… To have an aching longing for another, whilst being married in the Church to your spouse, surely that’s gone past the point of serious sin?? Isn’t this a form of adultery?..

I
[/quote]

I would say yes.

(a) If that “other love” were so good, then why aren’t you married to that person right now?

Good question.

(b) Do you truly BELIEVE in the Sacrament of Matrimony, and believe that there’s a presence of God in your marriage which lifts what you have now to a level that’s so much greater than the “other love”?

Yes.


#40

Good for you, Arthur! Maybe ask your wife to read these threads?
Best of luck, and God Bless you both. :slight_smile:


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