Before I start I should say that I am battling OCD/Scrupulosity with the help of a therapist and a psychiatrist. I have been doing this for about a year now. In terms of professional help, I am taken care of. This post may be more about me tracking the journey than actually asking any help. I guess what I am really looking for is some spiritual direction.
Last year, I reached a point where the anxiety got so high I was having panic attacks. Remarkably, though, I was still able to make a coherent confession and receive communion. What a grace! With medication my anxiety was brought down, and therapy helped me to deal with the panic attacks. But with scrupulosity, there is the constant (pathological) doubt which really damages your ability to trust anyone. You are always questioning everyone’s motives, as well as your own motives. You end up not being able to tell if what you are doing is just responding to compulsions or actual danger. This is called the level of insight, and it’s difficult to move from low insight to clarity without the help of a therapist and a spiritual director. Ideally, it would be one person who could function as both. I have had a spiritual director in the past that understood the psychological aspects of scrupulosity, and that helped me greatly.
But now I am stuck, going between my therapist and my pastor, and that creates an opportunity for misunderstanding, which feeds the pathological doubts, which makes it difficult to progress spiritually and in therapy.
Now, due to the OCD, I’m not able to discern clearly whether I am in a state of grace or not. It’s due to the compulsive questioning; the more you think about it, the less and less clear it becomes. This keeps me away from confession, as well as from communion. I can tell this is clearly not God’s will, but I don’t see how I would be able to return to a state of grace that would “stick” (without compulsive questioning).
So in the mean time, I am just wondering, where am I spiritually? Is my suffering from OCD of any benefit to my soul? Can I unite my mental suffering to that of Christ’s for the salvation of souls? Is living this way my “calling”? I am always thinking about the good I could do if I didn’t have this condition. Does anyone have any idea about how I would go about answering these questions?