Whose fault is it anyways?

I have a question, just for FYI, I am not a parent so my answer might be different from those who are parents.

But, I have seen that here in the USA, we have a tendency when a child does something wrong, it is never there fault. They always blame the parents, the teachers, the school administrators, the community, but never the child. Don’t we need to as a society to tell the kid ( when I say kid, someone who is between 8-17, especially those above 14) hey you have some blame to. Maybe not 100% but to tell them hey jr you are to blame.

I say this bc I have heard of men as adults who kill, or rape little kids always say well I was hit as a little kid, or I was violated as a kid that that’s the cop out answer.

Is my rationale right?

G’day. Everyone should have a sense of accountability and not pass the blame to anyone. Its about responsibility for one’s actions. That kind of mentality mentioned earlier is the favorite ploy of defense lawyers (like blaming a serial killer’s father for his past mistreatment of him). I used to be a medical officer in a correctional facility and I have the misfortune of being in charge of a patient (a serial killer) who had shown no remorse for his atrocities. He even blamed his victims for “getting in his way” (a 9 year old girl and 4 women plus 1 male innocent bystander). He even had the nerve to sue the facility for not allowing him to be given special time to have internet access so he could post his sick ideas on Facebook.

Yes. You have a valid point, indeed. Spot on.

Nothing is your fault in the U.S. today. Have an accident while driving drunk? It’s the fault of the bar for selling you the drink. Run up big debts gambling? It’s the fault of the casino which should have recognized you had a gambling problem. Injured yourself while using your rotary lawn mower to trim hedges? Hey, the instructions didn’t say not to. 112 pounds overweight from eating fast food? Well, if only the restaurants had been forced to post calorie counts…

Until a person has been there, I think it’s hard to judge.
I was extremely abused as a child, living in a constant state of fear and panic. Constant from my earliest recollection of life. I remember sitting in a corner, in the ‘fetal’ position, rocking, screaming, crying, and covering my eyes or ears or head with my hands. This became a common position for me.
I haven’t molested any kids, murdered any people, nor do I want to. Yet, I have done some pretty messed up things in my life in an effort to either ‘soothe’ myself, or to block out the memories, or to get someone to love me.
Yes, I do trace it all back to my childhood. When life is just a day to day struggle to survive, one doesn’t gain a sense of purpose. They’re too busy trying to survive. Not only was there the severe and constant abuse, but also the extreme poverty and neglect.
I don’t understand those who go on to hurt innocent children, or who commit violent acts against others, but I try not to judge as I know how messed up my own life was/is.
I do however try to understand what went wrong in their psyche, because if we don’t, there will be many more committing such crimes. (an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure).

Sometimes it isn’t about the lack of hugs, but the type of hugs…

Peace and God bless.

It is sad for someone who had the upbringing like you did and it is unfortunate. But from I read (im no psychologist) yes you might still have some hurt in you, but overall you overcame it.

Yes, even if we forgive person x, y , and z bc they did this or said that, you try to overcome it. You cannot stay living with that and blame everything on that issue.

I’m so sorry you needed to experience this. No child should need to experience this and although it doesn’t mean it’s a license to hurt another child at all, it isn’t unusual for this to cause scars.

As a mother and grandmother it isn’t automatic that parents don’t blame children for what they do, but our litigious society has made it a usual thing for adults to blame others for their own mistakes. They didn’t (most of them) learn this as children tho’ I don’t think. It’s a way for them to make something of themselves when they can’t do it themselves. Of course, their are/were some parents that were extra-permissive, but there has been in any age.

After hearing about the DuPont case, I can see more clearly where you are coming from. I have no understanding how a person can go that far, and seemingly without a conscience. :shrug:
We all feel for the children involved in that case.:sad_yes:

One thing I have noted though, is that many of the people who’ve committed such atrocities actually didn’t have a known history of being abused (though there are a few well known cases), and it only seems to come up when the person is caught committing a horrible crime. Many other abuse victims have noticed this as well.
I have actually seen the suggestion more times than I like to think about that abuse victims should NOT be allowed to have children, or be placed in positions caring for the vulnerable.
It’s like painting all with one brush.
It almost seems a bit like the propaganda that is pushed about the abuse that has occurred in the Church. Never mind that it happens in greater numbers in other professions, churches, etc… the Church is the one that is targeted from the media.
That is much the same as abuse victims who do commit crimes. They are more focused on than the multitude of people who do such things and were not abused as children.
Just some points to ponder.

God bless.

I agree in some ways. Litigation has gotten way out of hand. But I don’t think it is so much the person really always thinks the other person is to blame, rather it is a way to profit. $$$$
In some instances I can see the need for lawsuits, sometimes the only way to get someone to address their careless or damaging behavior is to hit them in the pocket book.
Yes though, many are just ridiculous. (frivolous lawsuits)

Sorry if a came off a bit pathetic yesterday, I didn’t really consider the extreme of what the OP was talking about.

God bless.

chero30 said** : “But, I have seen that here in the USA, we have a tendency when a child does something wrong, it is never their fault. They always blame the parents, the teachers, the school administrators, the community, but never the child.”**

If SOME people think of it that way … just remember that EVERYONE ELSE doesn’t believe that.
By the way . . .How do you feel about this Issue? . . . for example.

There are many Bigots in this Country, but I don’t need to care that they think the way they think.
There are many Child Molesters who believe they are Helping their victims.
People think what people think.

I know when it’s my own kids it’s completely their fault, :slight_smile:

In all seriousness, I think there is not enough responsibility taken by the external forces in a child’s life; however, I don’t think we can blame every bad thing or situation on a parent.

SO from what I gather, you think its ok for these people to say that they rape b/c they are helping others.

But, remember what you mentioned is an egocentric mentality, ists a mentality of the World, not of God. We are suppose to be of God not of the World, if others do it doesn’t mean its right

The OP wants to know** : “SO from what I gather, you think it’s ok for these people to say that they rape because they are helping others.”**

Where did you get that idea?

I didn’t mention Child Molesters talking at all.
I simply said that some of them believe they are helping their Victim.

This is to show that different people have different beliefs**;** hence, I ended my Post with : "People think what people think."
If you are interested, I oppose Molesting (kids or anyone else).

And, I didn’t understand what your 2nd paragraph means.
**But, remember what you mentioned is an egocentric mentality, ists a mentality of the World, not of God. We are suppose to be of God not of the World, if others do it doesn’t mean its right **


When it comes to kids, parents need to know both sides of the story. I know that, with my mom, she always sided with the other person. Bullied/harrassed at school? “You must have done something to deserve it.” Problems with a teacher? Same thing. It was never the other persons fault. Do I have lingering problems due to that? Sure. But how far would that carry me in a court case if I were caught hurting someone else? I would hope, not very far. I have to take responsibility for what I do. But I have also seen kids these days do things, and then tell their parents that they didn’t do it. And the parents sided with the kids. That’s why I drove a school bus only two years. I got fed up with it.

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