Why am I good enough for sex but nothing else


#1

Hi,

I got married at the end of October 2010, it was the most amazing day of my life. We'd received quite a lot of marriage prep with our fabulous monsignor. My husband to be knew the importance of marriage in a spiritual context. If you ask my husband the best day of this life he will quite happily say his wedding day.

I'd previously been married, so I know not everything is a fairytale, but I really though this was going to be different. Then in January 2011 problems arose, it was something really trivial but it made my husband turn around and say he didn't know if he wanted us to be together no more, that was less than 3 months after marriage.

He'd decided that the best way to cure his depression was to stop taken his medication, I'd done a lot of research, went to the pharmacist, who all said 'no no no, don't stop the medication you'll make yourself really ill!' But he went ahead anyway.

After stopping his medication his moods went down, I tried to help as much as I could but it really did appear like nothing I could do would help. I am quite seriously ill, I knew the fact that I was rather unwell and the fact that I couldn't have children got to him. But I thought with him being aware of my disability and infertility before marriage it would be something we would work out together.

We trundled through to May time, his behaviour was starting to become erratic and worrying, a few unhelpful friends joked that if he was ever to take himself down he'd probably take me with him. A couple of weeks before we got married I had to make a desperate 999 call whilst restraining my husband who was looking to flee with a load of tablets.

So its been like 6 weeks since we split when we meet up he is totally charming, puts his arm around me, kisses my forehead whilst holding me close. If people didn't know we had split you really wouldn't think it. To be fair before I've been meeting him I've been putting extra effort into my appearance. On these occasions, one thing has led into another, and we've ended up having sex. Up till we do he is very romantic and loving, putting his arm around me, telling me he loves me. But then afterwards he's straight to the point and tells me that I can't think that we'll ever get back together again. It was sex and just that.

I don't understand how the man can love me, want to have a sexual relationship with me, but be totally put off from living with me. To be fair he's quit work (back at the beginning of 2010) to return to University. I know that he gets a lot of attention from girls, I know that he's recently been chatting up a few, I guess to see if he can score any luck elsewhere. He's now living with his parents who treat him like a child, he has everything done from him through to cooking and washing etc. He just sees it as an easy life again without the responsibilities of being a husband.

I just feel really hurt, I thought I would be married for life, I dreamt of us growing old together, now due to his mental health issues its all been tore apart. But I've said I will stand by him no matter what, he's said he wants to continue with his life without me in it.

I guess I should speak to my priest about all of this, I wondered if anyone here had any words of wisdom.


#2

You do need to talk to your priest. It sounds like your husband has mental issues, and you have a number of issues you are dealing with as well.


#3

I agree with 1ke. You need to talk to your priest. You also need to stop meeting your husband anywhere you can end up alone with him. It is not fair to you to be used for sex. If you KNOW he is chatting other women up - what DON'T you know. You don't want to be exposed to something nasty. I would tell him quite honestly that he was on medication before and he needs to be on medication now and seeing a doctor. This is where you need to be strong. I wish you the best of luck.


#4

I never thought about him doing more than chatting them up, I can be so so stupid! I really can't believe how dense I could be!

I've got a mass for our unborn children, I told my husband and he said why should I bother going! I was like because they're our children we should celebrate them...

His mental health difficulties are quite severe, he was on medication but now he refuses to have any. He just stopped his tablets and that was that. When I was pregnant again he said he was going to get help and everything would be ok and we would be living happily ever after. When I lost the baby (again - story of my life) if all changed and I was worth nothing again.

He has talked about seeking professional help, now his mum is going mental as she doesn't want him and her to share the same psych. But its not going to help at all is it!

I just wish that something could be done, do any of you have a magic wand?

xx


#5

There is no "magic wand", and no one lives "happily ever after". You need to stop looking for fairy tales, and start living the reality of your life with HELP. Go to your priest, ask for help. For BOTH of you.

You will not find answers on the internet from a bunch of strangers.

~Liza


#6

[quote="pucca84, post:4, topic:246846"]
I never thought about him doing more than chatting them up, I can be so so stupid! I really can't believe how dense I could be!

I've got a mass for our unborn children, I told my husband and he said why should I bother going! I was like because they're our children we should celebrate them...

His mental health difficulties are quite severe, he was on medication but now he refuses to have any. He just stopped his tablets and that was that. When I was pregnant again he said he was going to get help and everything would be ok and we would be living happily ever after. When I lost the baby (again - story of my life) if all changed and I was worth nothing again.

He has talked about seeking professional help, now his mum is going mental as she doesn't want him and her to share the same psych. But its not going to help at all is it!

I just wish that something could be done, do any of you have a magic wand?

xx

[/quote]

You are enabling his bad behavior by continuing to have sex with him. Talk to your priest and with a mental health professional. You are in a vulnerable state spiritually, and possibly physically and mentally. Your friends may have been joking when they said he would take you down with him, but there may be truth in what they said.


#7

You have every right to have that mass for your unborn children. Do these things that give you comfort. But do not have sex with him.

By the way please do not harp on my words. Understand that I do not know for sure he is having sex with anyone but you need to know that it is a possibility as he is already stretching the bounds of what is good in your relationship.

See your priest. I would go to see a good Catholic therapist and send him the times of the appointments so that he can choose partake or choose not to. This will help you in your decision making process. Your priest will also be able to guide you further.

Also as hard as it might be not to let anger and pride take over remember that no amount of bad behavior on his part will excuse any on yours. (I say this only because I know what it is like and how hard the temptation is) Good Catholic/non-Catholic Christian friends will be needed to get you through this.


#8

[quote="lizaanne, post:5, topic:246846"]
There is no "magic wand", and no one lives "happily ever after". You need to stop looking for fairy tales, and start living the reality of your life with HELP. Go to your priest, ask for help. For BOTH of you.

You will not find answers on the internet from a bunch of strangers.

~Liza

[/quote]

well I agree with Liza, but i would add that happily ever after does happen, people do win the lottery, it just does not happen to the majority of people.

and indeed you will not find answers on the internet from strangers, but strangers are good for seeing perspectives from the outside of your problems and might give you a different perspective of viewing your situation.

But the best thing as liz and others have stated is to get real help where you are in your town.

hang in there and make sure to not fall into any brain traps that suggest things are your fault, because they are not.


#9

My priest is away on holiday but I've found solice in a priest who responds to me by email he is of a great help.

My main focus now is to focus on what I can add to others and their lives, hopefully I'll find solace in helping others and my life will sort itself out there after.

I don't think there is anything I can actively do at the moment to change the situation I am in, but I hope that by helping others god will fill my life full of love and I will be able to focus my energies elsewhere.

xx


#10

That was very dangerous of him to stop taking those drugs cold turkey. Drugs that treat depression and other illnesses have some very very serious side effects if stopped suddently. He could still be having issues from the withdrawal of the drugs.

I urge you to NOT have sex with him. Go on dates but treat it as if you are nto married.

Also, you need to see a mental health professional. You need to beg him to go with you but if he won't, go by yourself. You need professional help dealing with this situation.


#11

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