Why am I still single at 31?


#1

Hi all,

Hope I'm posting this in the right section. I found this forum and thought it would be a good place to post and ask for input on my situation.

I am 31 years old, and it seems no matter how hard I try, I just can not find a companion. I have nver been in any kind of serious relationship. I dated one girl for about a month back in 2000, and that is the only time I have ever been involved with someone.

All my life since I was a little boy, I dreamed of meeting someone and getting married, and having a family. I would have never guessed that I would still be waiting for this to happen at 31 years old.

Here is the thing, I am different from the rest of the majority of the people out there. I don't drink, I'm not into partying, doing drugs, sleeping around, or any of that kind of stuff. I never was. When I went off to college, all of my class mates tried getting me into that life style and it just was not me. I never had a drink of beer until my 21st birthday, and I take pride in that, and I never went out sleeping around just to "have fun."

I have stayed a virgin to this day for many reasons, and I took pride in that. I wanted to wait until I found that special someone who would appriciate it. I had the hopes that when I did meet someone, SHE would also be a virgin, and my first time would also be her first time. But the older I get, the more I lose hope because the chances of me finding someone else my age who is also a virgin are very slim.

It makes me sad, because I did what I felt was the right thing and waited. But what did I get for it? I thought I would eventually have kids some day and honestly be able to tell them that I never went out partying, doing drugs, and sleeping around. But in all honesty, if I'd have known that it would get to this point, I would have gone out and had fun and been just like the rest of them. I feel that I have been a good person all my life and it has gotten me nowhere.

And it makes me mad, because if I were to meet that special someone, I would do anything and everything to make sure she was very well taken care of. I would make her feel loved and appriciated. I would never cheat or treat her like garbage like I see so many others out there doing to their partners.

Why is it THOSE kind of people have all ended up in relationships, while I am still waiting?

All of my cousins who are younger than me are all married and starting their families. Everyone I knew growing up, that I went to school with or played with on my street are all married. Even kids I knew that were 5 and 6 years old when I was 13 and 14, I am reading about in the paper that they are getting married.

Am I destined to be single forever? And if so, why did God choose ME to be a person who was never meant to have a partner, instead of someone who was ok with it?

My brother in law has a friend who is in his 40's who has never been married or in a serious relationship, and he is ok with it. I myself, am not ok with it, and to be honest, I don't even want to live to be that age if I don't have a companion.

It is very hard to see all of my friends and family all getting married and starting their families while I have basically just been put up on a shelf and forgotten about. It is especially hard considering my family never exactly was very accepting of me from the time I was very young, and all my life I've had trouble making true friends. It really just makes me feel downright worthless and I wonder why God put me here at all.

I have honestly thought about suicide, but the only reason I don't do it is because I know it will send me straight to hell if I do it. But the older I get and the more trouble I have finding a companion and realizing that it just might never happen just really makes it hard to go on. it's very depressing, and also very saddening considering I have a lot of good qualities and a lot of love to give, but no one wants to see me for that.

Everyone tells me I need to get out more and it will increase my chance of meeting someone. (I am a home body most of the time besides going to work, ETC.) But I personally don't believe that it will help. And the reason I don't think it will, is because most people meet their partner just living their normal course of life. For example, they just so happened to be at this party where this person they met happened to be, or it was a friend's friend, stuff like that.

Why can't I meet someone just living my normal life? Like, say, a cashier at a store, a customer at work, ETC? I worked at a casino a few years back where 5,000 other people worked.....why didn't I meet someone there? On the weekends (for fun) I am a mobile DJ who plays at weddings, campgrounds, and all kinds of other public events - why by now haven't I met someone at one of these parties? A friend of mine is actually a seasonal camper at one of the campgrounds I regularly DJ at and I have stayed there many weekends, and I do go out with guys on occasion, but whenever we go out, I meet no one.

I know for a fact that I'm not the only person out there that's in my situation. Buy why can't I meet somoene like that? Someone who is honest, open, down to earth and genuinely a nice person who also wants to get married?

I will just never understand it. Everyone tellme me not to give up, it will happen some day, etc....but I don't understand why "it" didn't happen years ago like it does for everyone else?

On the positive side.......many people I know have been divorced after being married after only a few years, and I don't want that. My parents have been married for more than 40 years, and that's what I want to happen to me.

I just don't understand what is wrong.

Any input is appriciated. Sorry for such a long post.


#2

“Everyone” is right. It really doesn’t sound like you are trying very hard, because it seems that you’re saying you just want to meet the woman of your dreams without stepping one foot outside of your comfort zone.

As the man, women will expect you to pursue them. Actively pursue them.

How many women have you asked out on dates in the last month? How many have you approached in the last week? Have you registered on online dating websites? Have you gone to speed dating events? How often do you go out and ask random women for their phone numbers, call them afterwards, and ask for dates?

How many cashiers or customers at work have you asked for phone numbers/asked out on dates in the last month? week?


#3

PDach31 - I admire your strength and moral integrity. You are an amazing man. You really are going to make some girl very lucky someday, I believe that.

These things happen on God's time, not ours. I know that sounds hackneyed, but it's the honest truth.

Get out there and meet people! Find hobby groups, get involved with you church, and maybe even sign up for social networking sites. Heck, there are catholic women on this site frustrated about their inablity to find a pure catholic man! Just get out there, meet new people and enjoy your single life for now. I can tell you that women are attracted to men who are laid back and enjoying life!


#4

As the man, women will expect you to pursue them. Actively pursue them.

Learn this one my friend, I just now am, and I have over a decade in front of you on that one.

I, like you do prefer to simply be honest, up front, form a friendship, talk to each other like normal human beings, and let things work forward, in an “adult” manner… yet, you have to gasp at this one, the dating scene, even at your age, my age, and beyond, still is in my humble opinion, adolescent… and this is where your roll as a man of integrity comes into play here.

1st off, screw the status quo, if you don’t have material wealth, you don’t have it, you are also not being propped up over it. I rarely use swear types of words, but felt it best to be used in this expression along my point here.

2nd off, here is the current consensus. Girls in their early 20’s desperately want to find a stable, nice man to settle down with and raise kids, afterall, their biological clock is “only in their minds” running out. You are at a huge advantage there, just know it.

It’s about exposure, it seems, I assume you are not some person with major physical ailments and poor outward appearance features. So, the thing is, just get involved in church, make yourself known, then don’t hold back simply saying the simple word “Hi”, once in a while to everybody, not just girls you find attractive. Get out there, socialize as best you can, and know that you are not alone my friend.

You can and should get involved with other areas, doesn’t matter what it is, that you are involved with in in a social element.

Also, Welcome to CAF, I surely hope you stick around, we have a tremendous amount of very, very good people here!!!


#5

(my post is coming from a single man, not a woman, and hence it might be more harsh than some of the others…)

No, you wouldn’t have. You’re probably not the type to enjoy partying and drugs anyway, and even if you weren’t trying to make an example for your future kids, you would have found this deviant behavior to be unenjoyable.

Your post says nothing about having asked women out on dates. Presumably, that would have something to do about it.

If you ascribe such little value to your own life, then you need to improve your outlook before you try to get married. Healthy women will not be interested in a man who’s in a state of such extreme turmoil.

Even among those who long to be married, these feelings are not normal.

This may be true, but you also have a lot of soul-searching to do before you’ll be ready to give this love to someone else (see previous quote). I’m also not sure why you say that “no one” wants to see your good qualities, because you don’t seem to have a history of rejection (in fact, from your post, I don’t see much of a dating history at all…)

In general, I reject the notion that all single people need to devote their time towards self-improvement while waiting to meet someone. This is just another way of spinning the mistaken notion that married people are more free of faults than single people (which recently spawned a long thread on this forum.)

However, in this situation, I’ll say that there is a minimum threshold of emotional health required before one should try to get married, and that you are currently below this threshold.


#6

OP, 31 is not old and men can marry a younger woman without it being an issue, so life has not passed you by. I'm sorry to hear that you feel so unhappy but you can turn everything around if you are willing to make some changes.

We all need to learn to take risks in life. As much as you may have many wonderful qualities it is very important to look at your situation from the point of view of a potential partner. If you are living a lifestyle where you never vary your routine and stay at home much of the time for many women in their 20s this seems middle-aged and boring. Also, how will they ever meet you if you don't go to where women gather? You can't live a narrow, comfortable exisitence and expect another person to "discover" you and slot in.

A general rule of thumb is if something you are doing is not working don't keep doing it, unless you want the same results. You will have to develop new habits, be prepared to take risks and take the advice of others who care about you if you truly want things to change.

If you are feeling so low as to be suicidal you should seek professional help in the form of a psychiatrist because serious depression should be dealt with independent of meeting another person. Your depression could be preventing you from being as active as you need to meet others.

May God bless you, take good care of yourself.


#7

OP, 31 is not old today. My youngest son will be 37 next Monday. He does not drink alcohol (well, except for an occasional Bailey’s Irish Cream!) or do drugs. Never has.

He had a girl friend for a few months in his early twenties, but it didn’t last. When he was 27 he entered the seminary, where he was for 5 years. He left in 2005 and returned to work, still without any girl friend.

In late 2008, being interested in photography, he started going to photography classes. He met a number of people, male and female, at these classes. Some of them continued on, him included, in an advanced course. By this time, one of the women he met in the first class was his girlfriend…

He is now engaged to be married.

My oldest sister was 42 when she married. She was 38 when she met the man who became her husband.

You never know when or where you will meet your life mate.


#8

I met my husband when I was 29 and we got married when I turned 32. So you are definitely not old and have plenty of time to meet the right woman.

Before I met my husband I used to date guys who were wrong for me and relationships (luckily) went nowhere. I was then single for several years and very sad about it, wishing I could meet The One and settle down. I clearly remember that the more sad and depressed I got about being single, men found me less and less interesting and attractive.

I’m not sure what exactly changed but I eventually stopped worrying about it and changed my attitude. (I started a PhD that year and most of my energy went into that - I seriously had no time to think about men!) I liked being myself, I loved my life. I started enjoying simple things. After about a year I started going out with my present husband.

You sound like a really nice and decent guy and I have no doubts that you will have a wife and a family one day. Thing is, you won’t attract anyone if you are depressed, negative and bitter about your state in life. I suggest you start working on that, do whatever it takes to be happy in your own skin. Perhaps joining a Catholic dating site would help since you would meet women who share your faith and your values.

Best of luck and God bless!


#9

My husband was 32 when we got married, and I have to say it is working out well! Does your church have a singles group, or is there some type of service or pro-life organization you could get involved with?

I am glad that you didn't find anyone at the casino. While not an impossible place to find a good Catholic wife, it certainly must be statistically unlikely! ;)

Keep us posted. I understand your frustration with how the world seems to be set up to serve the people whose morals are loose. I worry about the same thing for my own children when they start courting.


#10

Hey, 31 is the new 50. You're doing great.

Here is Dawn Eden's short list on being chaste:

payingattentiontothesky.com/2009/12/30/dawn-eden%e2%80%99s-reasons-to-be-chaste-a-short-list/

dj


#11

PDach, this part of your post jumped out at me, and it’s disturbing. It seems like you have some issues you need to work through with a counsellor or therapist. You seem to be lacking a sense of self-esteem and self-worth, which is causing you to doubt the choices you have made. It’s hard to find someone to love you when you cannot love yourself. These issues are probably inhibiting you from taking some of the more practical day-to-day steps others have pointed out that might make it easier for you to meet someone.

As others have pointed out, a lot of people do not find the person they will marry until they are in their 30’s or even their 40’s. I can think of several examples among my friends and family (including my wife and I who were almost 30 before we started dating and my 47 year old uncle who has just recently started bringing a woman to family gatherings, and who we hope he will end up marrying). But it can be hard to see that if you are in the midst of depression, and the most important thing is for you to get the help you need.


#12

Other people are a lot nicer than me in how they approach this kind of situation. My first reaction to reading this? "Dude, come on. No seriously, come on."

You want to kill yourself because at 31 you're not married? I know you'll hate hearing this from a 25 year old married guy, but you need to chill for a second. The poster who said "make new habits" is exactly right. That doesn't mean you go out and try to live the life of a college kid by getting blasted and flirting with every girl that spares you a glance, but it does mean you need to change things up!

Get out on the prowl for lack of a better term. Actively seek out women you think would make for potentially good mates. Catholic? Decently good-looking? Single? That's your checklist my friend. Ask them out! Yeah, you might waste a few dates with women that clearly aren't on the same page when it comes to humor, career aspirations, all that good stuff, but at least you're making a go of it. That will make you feel better in terms of reaching this goal, and feel better about yourself as a man. Besides, if you don't pursue them, you'll never know if they were good marriage material.

I know I'm much younger, but I only had a few relationships through high school and college. Like you, I didn't party (well not much) and I certainly didn't do drugs or hookup with girls. And yes, most women around me were not candidates for dating because they were too wild, not religious and all that. But I never even approached those that DID fit those most important qualities. Not until just before the summer heading into my final year of college did I finally tell myself just to man up and start asking out good Catholic women I knew! I got shot down by two at school and headed home for the summer. But hey, I was out there and going for it and even those rejections didn't make me feel bad. What made me feel bad was not doing anything.

Then I went home for the summer, linked up with an old friend from high school and we amazingly hit it off in a new way. I asked her out and 15 months later we were married!

So my advice is simple:

  • Stop pitying yourself. Women hate that stuff.
  • Start praying for discernment of God's will.
  • Get new habits and get involved in the local civic and Church communities.
  • Keep your eye out for good-looking single Catholic girls.
  • Approach them and see what happens.
  • Continue your prayers and listen to what God is saying.

That's all there is to it man.


#13

It’s because you’re waiting. Those guys who treat their partners like garbage are typically more aggressive in seeking relationships.


#14

[quote="The_Bucket, post:12, topic:183137"]
Other people are a lot nicer than me in how they approach this kind of situation. My first reaction to reading this? "Dude, come on. No seriously, come on."

You want to kill yourself because at 31 you're not married? I know you'll hate hearing this from a 25 year old married guy, but you need to chill for a second. The poster who said "make new habits" is exactly right. That doesn't mean you go out and try to live the life of a college kid by getting blasted and flirting with every girl that spares you a glance, but it does mean you need to change things up!

Get out on the prowl for lack of a better term. Actively seek out women you think would make for potentially good mates. Catholic? Decently good-looking? Single? That's your checklist my friend. Ask them out! Yeah, you might waste a few dates with women that clearly aren't on the same page when it comes to humor, career aspirations, all that good stuff, but at least you're making a go of it. That will make you feel better in terms of reaching this goal, and feel better about yourself as a man. Besides, if you don't pursue them, you'll never know if they were good marriage material.

I know I'm much younger, but I only had a few relationships through high school and college. Like you, I didn't party (well not much) and I certainly didn't do drugs or hookup with girls. And yes, most women around me were not candidates for dating because they were too wild, not religious and all that. But I never even approached those that DID fit those most important qualities. Not until just before the summer heading into my final year of college did I finally tell myself just to man up and start asking out good Catholic women I knew! I got shot down by two at school and headed home for the summer. But hey, I was out there and going for it and even those rejections didn't make me feel bad. What made me feel bad was not doing anything.

Then I went home for the summer, linked up with an old friend from high school and we amazingly hit it off in a new way. I asked her out and 15 months later we were married!

So my advice is simple:

  • Stop pitying yourself. Women hate that stuff.
  • Start praying for discernment of God's will.
  • Get new habits and get involved in the local civic and Church communities.
  • Keep your eye out for good-looking single Catholic girls.
  • Approach them and see what happens.
  • Continue your prayers and listen to what God is saying.

That's all there is to it man.

[/quote]

*

So, is that known as ''THE BUCKET LIST?'' :rotfl: Get it? The Bucket List (ever see that movie?) :ehh: If not, nevermind. lol I couldn't pass that up, sorry. :blush:

Very good post.

I find these threads to be fascinating, that so many single people are so unhappy because they are not married yet. Or largely thereof. I dunno, I keep reading these types of threads here, and it makes me wonder would I feel this way, had I not married in my 20's. I don't know.

To to OP--I will hold you in my prayers. I was nearly 23 when I married my 33 yr old husband...and he was never married before me. So, there is always always hope....keep hoping in the Lord, and tell Him your problems, and let Him give you rest. I think you have been given some great advice, here. God bless. I'm sorry you are feeling down about this. :(*


#15

Don't worry, these things will happen in due time. Jan 1st last year I was in exactly the same situation, Jan 1st this year I am engaged to the most wonderful woman I've ever met. Truely, God did the picking with my fiance and I'm glad he was the one doing the picking instead of me, he did a much better job than I ever did!

I will say this, if you're not stepping out of your comfort zone at all then I would suggest doing so. At least in my expereince (as a dude) I've found that you really have to put up the effort, though I'm betting that when God introduces you to the right lady you're not going to mind putting in the effort so much! I sure didn't!

If you're not involved with your parish, that's one good way to get going. Do you have a young adults ministry? Join up if you do! Also online dating can work actually, met my fiance on eharmony, though I worn you it's mostly an evangellical dating site even if that's not what's advertised. CatholicMatch.com seemed pretty solid for the 2 weeks I played around with it (met my fiance when I was first pondering switching to that).

God bless!


#16

I'm 33 and single and I'm not worried. Be patient, have faith and good things will come. :)


#17

[quote="Luke_K, post:13, topic:183137"]
It's because you're waiting. Those guys who treat their partners like garbage are typically more aggressive in seeking relationships.

[/quote]

And the women they come on to aren't the sharpest knives in the drawer either....but don't get me started, as a cranky old bachelor I'm already on dangerous ground with the ladies to begin with...

But the lad needs some good advice. Try this -- a reflection on a Raymond Carver short story called "What We Talk About When We Talk About Love." Ray Carver’s classic is on an Esquire list of 75 books that every man (and woman) should read and is generally regarded as one of the finest statements about the modern American relationship. If you enjoy the essay, find the book of short stories.

Then when you meet Ms Right, you'll have something to talk about. Most women aren't that bright so if you recommend a book or short story to them, they think YOU think they are bright -- kind of a reverse psychology. Works like a charm when you are jockeying for early affection. And remember, once you can fake the sincerity that goes with this strategy, you've got it made...

But I digress. Here's the link:

payingattentiontothesky.com/what-we-talk-about-when-we-talk-about-love/

dj


#18

Try it in your 40s. LOL Ok Well I know I've complained a lot about being single but that's mostly because I put myself out there and have kept busy and still haven't run into anyone...?? Oh well that's life I guess. I can tell you can most women like to be pursued and will fall head over heels for a confident outgoing guy. One with morals is even better. Work on your smile. Aproach a few ladies. Join a few groups and get out there doing something you like. Build up your confidence. Hope that helps. :thumbsup:


#19

Life has brought me to the age of sixty, and I am still truly single. (Never married)

At this point, very nearly all of the single women are resingled, that is, previously married. Divorced is a more direct term.

To avoid the consequece of findng divorced women as the great majority of your dating pool, it makes good sense to get busy.

Getting busy means going places and meeting people. Church activities, singles groups, dances, clubs, sports, culture, politics, and classes, are just a few of the ways to meet people.

Have fun, learn new things, expand your horizons.

And be persistent. Don't slack off.


#20

This pretty much sums it up.

Also, why care if you’re single? More than half the country is divorced/live together and end up disasters with kids, obligations, etc. I deal with them every day. That trend will be increasing. It should not be surprising that you have not met anyone that shares your values.

Focus on God and yourself.


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