Why are guys so afraid of the M word


#1

I thought they were supposed to the be the braver of the species? So often I hear you’ll have to give me time or right now I’m just looking for a relationship right now…I just so want to tell them to …slow down bud. I’m not here to trap you. I’d rather get to know you first before we even enter that field of discussion. Honestly it’s just old. Usually I just say I’m looking for the right person and not in any rush to make a mistake with the wrong one.

Sorry I’m just so tired of guys who are over 35 and don’t know what they want or where they are going it’s really old.


#2

Over 35. Definitely not afraid of marriage. Definitely scratching my head as to why it’s considered a “red flag” for men to mention it, but it’s a-okay for women to talk about it. The double standard is really getting old.


#3

What you’re seeing is the results of hedonism and narcissism on a big level in our society.

Also, cultures go through these cycles: Struggle/victory/success/decay/defeat. And it starts all over again.

The really good guys were the ones that started their lives out in struggle. They have values (all they DID have to start out with), and they stand for something. Today, the young folks are “all about ME” whoever “ME” is. There is no sense of service. That’s why there are so many unhappy young folks out there. They don’t want to serve others, they want to be served. And that’s why the rates of suicide among the young have skyrocketed. They’ve robbed themselves of immense happiness!

If you want to find the right guy, and quit wasting your time, find someone who is all about serving others. Find someone who has his priorities straight (God first, family second, everyone else third, him last). That’s the guy that’ll fit the bill for you.

The key to happiness in this life is to always, always come as a servant. :slight_smile:


#4

Since marriage is for life, and people live longer than ever, some poeple are scared of possibly making the biggest and most serious mistake of their life.

Many people are in broken or painful marriages, and it can be a scary thing. I’d rather be mauled by a bear and eaten alive (a pretty scary thing!) than be stuck in a miserable relationship for my entire life and end up emotionally and mentally destroyed…like happens to some people. I can totally see why it could be scary!

:slight_smile:

I am getting married next year though! It just takes time to adjust and be sure of it.


#5

It’s because it goes against the male nature. Men typically want variety, and to cut yourself off from that, to focus on only one woman, does intimidate most men.


#6

[quote="Garyjohn2, post:4, topic:214287"]
Since marriage is for life, and people live longer than ever, some poeple are scared of possibly making the biggest and most serious mistake of their life.

Many people are in broken or painful marriages, and it can be a scary thing. I'd rather be mauled by a bear and eaten alive (a pretty scary thing!) than be stuck in a miserable relationship for my entire life and end up emotionally and mentally destroyed...like happens to some people. I can totally see why it could be scary!

[/quote]

This. We men know why we're not so comfortable with marriage, and this is why.


#7

It is probably because they are used to women your age quickly desiring marriage and they are letting you know they don’t want to rush things.

I can’t follow what you’re saying though…

Your title suggests guys are afraid of marriage.
In your post, you mention that guys tell you early on that they aren’t ready for marriage yet.
You mention that you don’t want guys to talk about marriage at all until you get to know them first.
Further, you say you are not in any rush either.
Then you conclude that you “are tired of guys who are over 35 and don’t know what they want or where they are going it’s really old.”

It sounds to me like you are on the same page with them about wanting to wait to get married.


#8

[quote="havana1, post:2, topic:214287"]
Over 35. Definitely not afraid of marriage. Definitely scratching my head as to why it's considered a "red flag" for men to mention it, but it's a-okay for women to talk about it. The double standard is really getting old.

[/quote]

It a red flag when they bring it up right away implying that I'm on the hunt or something....before you have even been out on a date...gesh.


#9

Thanks Rascalking…that’s the best answer I’ve heard yet.


#10

[quote="NoAvailableName, post:7, topic:214287"]
It is probably because they are used to women your age quickly desiring marriage and they are letting you know they don't want to rush things.

I can't follow what you're saying though..

Your title suggests guys are afraid of marriage.
In your post, you mention that guys tell you early on that they aren't ready for marriage yet.
You mention that you don't want guys to talk about marriage at all until you get to know them first.
Further, you say you are not in any rush either.
Then you conclude that you "are tired of guys who are over 35 and don't know what they want or where they are going it's really old."

It sounds to me like you are on the same page with them about wanting to wait to get married.

[/quote]

When they bring it up right away it implies they carry a fear of it or are not sure what they want only what they don't want.

I really don't think the topic should come up till later maybe after a few dates when you've grasped something of their personality.

I'm not in a rush either I'd rather just get to know someone and deal with the topic if things are going well later. Usually you can tell if someone isn't compatible or doesn't have the same values you do pretty early on.

I know what I want who I am and where I am going or trying to go with GODs help I'm just sick of guys expecting the lady to lead them. Throwing my hands up...lol :shrug:


#11

Not sure where you are meeting these guys over 35 but in my experience men that age usually want to be married more than women of that age do.


#12

[quote="noclevername, post:11, topic:214287"]
Not sure where you are meeting these guys over 35 but in my experience men that age usually want to be married more than women of that age do.

[/quote]

Mostly in church if you can believe it. But this guy from a social group not church related. He says he's a nondenominational christian who hasn't found a church that speaks to him. :rolleyes:

I guess my point is I'd rather be friends first and go from there. I guess guys assume all ladies my age (early 40s) think about is marriage. :eek: Then at one point he said he didn't want kids and at another he said the door was open. I'm like make up your mind. :rolleyes:

Sorry for the venting. Guys I'm sure you run into some of the same with the ladies. Mostly this is just frustration talking.


#13

Anytime…here I am giving you all the male secrets! Jeez! :wink:

It’s blunt, but it’s also the truth. Many men won’t admit it because women simply cannot understand male sexual nature.

Yes, there are exceptions, but it’s pretty universal.


#14

Women aren’t all that different we just aren’t as vocal about it. :wink:


#15

Exactly. I don’t know of any men over 35 (at least none I’m aware of) who don’t want to get married. Like I said, it’s a double standard, so some of us won’t talk about it even on a third or fourth date unless asked.


#16

You may not like this, but most men are afraid of sticking to one woman for the rest of their life.
Sad, but its true. Men don’t necessarily like commitment. They like their freedom. They act like animals a lot of the time, haven’t you noticed? Listen, if these guys that you’re dating are too baby to talk about the ‘M’ word, then you need to find a new guy to start dating.


#17

I believe that our culture has really led men to believe the marriage is not beneficial to them. It involves lots of responsibility and takes away their choices. They loose the choice of
–with whom to have intimate relationships (lets face it, many woman are willing to be involved on that end without a commitment at all!),
–where to work (marriage means having to at least TRY and make a certain income to support their family)
–what to do in their free time
–be SILENT (women like to talk and communicate and the view their days of coming home to a quiet aprtment, beer and newpaper GONE).

But, they fail to see the benefits of family unity, a life long partner who is commited to them, starting a fanmily, etc.

I remember hearing in a movie once that the difference between a husband and wife is that a wife has choices and a husband has responsibilities.

Taben


#18

I am a woman and this is my opinion about men (which I agree could be totally wrong, hoepfully Rasckling will correct me).

When a young woman (25 or less) talks about marriage. She is just talking about the future with no immediate desire to marry. When a man talks about it, he is hoping to actually pop the question soon. In other words when a woman says 'I would like to be married at some point in my life but not for the next five years', the man hears 'Did you buy the ring yet?'

Now, when a 35 or older man immediately blurts out to a single woman 'I don't want to get married yet' I think he is saying 'I feel like a total looser for still being single at my age. I will try and make my date think it was my choice to save face'

When a 35 year old man says 'I don't want kids' out of the blue, he is probably REALLY wanting them and hoping the girl does as well and she begs him to get married and have kids so he can become a father without taking a risk (ie puts the risk on the woman'

Thanks

CM


#19

haha ohhh man.

Well I guess the older generation is different than the younger generation:shrug:

  1. Try catholicmatch.com

  2. I actually know many men, in fact most of the guys i know are like this, that would be happy to have that one partner for themselves whom they can be with for the rest of their lives (In their early or mid-twenties). Their attention span may just be a bit not too great, or they may not have the means to get married right now, and thus decide to party till they can. They can go from girl to girl looking for that "one", falling in love with every other girl, just like some girls can go from guy to guy, or latch onto one guy for years hoping they'll finally notice them and take them away. Needless the say the problem lies on both sides here.

However, I do know some guys my age (in their early or mid 20's) who have gotten married already and some who are very ready to get married.

The variety thing is definitely an issue for guys. But sometimes it's not. It can really depend on how interested we actually are in a girl. If we're not sure how we feel or don't really like a girl, variety could be an issue. It could also depend on how good looking our current girlfriend looks to us. This may be hard to hear, but commonly the issue isn't whether or not the person we are dating is more compatible to us than someone else out there like it is for most women, but whether or not we could get someone who is better looking. Again, this is only if we are not that interested in the first place. Remember though, it's not about how good a girl looks objectively, but how good she looks to us.

However, if a girl gives us enough peace (or if we are compatible as women like to say) then the physical looks wont matter much at all. That is why you may be surprised to find that some guys you knew earlier in life ended up marrying a girl who wasn't that good looking.

So in the end, the guys who are still unmarried at 35 were probably the same guys who in their 20's didn't think about getting serious in a relationships at all (of whom I only know like...4-6). Those who did, when they finally had the means to, got married. So unfortunately, you are pretty much left with those who have been saying their entire adult lives "I'm not ready to get married". That's why I suggest the Catholic dating site above. You'll know a persons intentions before you start to date. You wont waste your time.


#20

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand this is why men and women have trouble understanding each other:rolleyes:. When a man says “I’m not ready to get married yet” it means “I’m not ready to get married yet”. It’s not secret code. When I man says “I don’t want kids” he means “I don’t want kids”. There is no code.

I’ll hand it to you, your first paragraph is compelling, but as for the rest…remember men say what they mean.


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.