Obviously, you have not had very much in the way of good examples in your life.
I once felt much as you do. I was physically abused as a child, sexually abused by several step-fathers AND by my mother; emotionally abused by everyone except my siblings and i really didn’t see any purpose to life at all.
Then, my mother decided to put me into a boarding school. Not for my sake, just to get rid of me (she had abandoned my brother in Oregon when we moved to California, and she put my older sister into a home as a virtual slave). The cheapest school she could find just happened to be The Albertinum, in Ukiah, California.
I went in Jan 2, 1954, and I was enveloped in love and caring from the first minute there. I spent the 2nd semester of the 4th grade, all that summer, and the first semester of the 5th grade at that school. I went to the ONLY summer camp I ever experienced (owned and operated by that school).
The Dominican Sisters of Mission San Jose operated that school, and they literally saved me as a human being. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that at the time, and I wanted to go home to my Mother.
Well, I did at Christmas 1954, and I went back to hell. I had a new stepfather, an ex-convict, who was brutal, and who abused me in every way possible. I went to two schools in 2 months, then we went “on vacation” to San Francisco (he was writing bad checks left and right, which paid for the trip). I ended up finishing the 5th grade in Reno, Nevada, having been placed in a boarding house for kids.
I went back to the Albertinum for the entire 6th grade. Once again, I went into an atmosphere of love and caring. At the end of that school year, I went home again (I learned years later that my mother had not paid the tuition for the last 5 months I was there.).
I had no moral examples with any parent, no stability (I went to school in Oregon, California, Nevada, Arizona and New Mexico (28 schools in all) and I never finished the 11th grade). I was not allowed to go to church most of the time. I worked, full time all summer (sometimes 2 full time jobs), beginning at the age of 12, and my mother drank up everything I earned.
My mother put me into another Catholic Boarding School for my Freshman year of High School (St. Michael’s in Santa Fe, NM). Once again, she didn’t pay the tuition (my older sister tried to, but she couldn’t afford it) after the first few months. She sent me back there, on a Greyhound bus with a one way ticket (she and my step-father were on the road) for my Sophomore year. When I arrived at the school, they informed me that since my mother hadn’t paid for the last 4 months tuition last year, they could not accept me.
I ended up in San Diego, CA with my older sister and brother supporting me. My sister went to the Principal of University of San Diego High School (Father Cadden, bless his memory), told him of my background and what had happened at St. Michael’s, and he accepted me at the school for $5.00 a month tuition. I didn’t learn about that until MANY years later. Fr. Cadden arranged for me to be baptized at my local parish, and she supported getting me into Minor Seminary.
To make a long story a bit shorter, I went into the Army at the age of 16, spent 10 years on active duty, and got out when my first wife abandoned me and our children (thankfully, I did not marry in the Church).
I came back to my faith, had my daughters baptized, eventually married again, and have had 33 wonderful years of marriage. Thanks to my work in the Army (I was a Neuro-Psychiatric Specialist), my life’s work was set. I had to get at least a Masters Degree in order to do in civilian life what I had been doing in the Army.
I eventually earned my Doctorate. I am very active with my church, and with the Knight’s of Columbus. I enjoy my daughter’s, my grandsons (no granddaughters so far), my friends, and above all my life with my wife.
No matter how bleak things may appear, there can be meaning and joy in your life. If anyone had a horrible beginning, I did. Yet, thanks to some Dominican Nuns, I was exposed to just enough caring, just enough love, to know that it was possible and that this was what I wanted.
To a large degree, your happiness and fulfillment are up to YOU. YOU can choose what paths to take. YOU have control over what you do, and of what you fail to do. NOBODY makes you take any path, you CHOOSE it.
You ALWAYS have the capability of changing course. It may be difficult, you may stumble on the way, but you CAN do it. Prayer helps, so does faith. Even when things were the most horrible as a child, when I had been away from the church for long periods of time, I always hung on to that flicker of faith. Sometimes it was so faint that I could barley find it, but if I looked, it was there.
Do NOT give up. Do not let the negative things in your life control you.
NEVER GIVE UP HOPE, YOU CAN FIND A BETTER LIFE.