Why do I doubt in myself?


#1

I have hardly ever been impressed or satisfied with who I am and what I am doing. My spiritual life is a perfect archetype of the structure of my self-esteem and how most of my life has been lived. For example, only a couple months ago did I finally go to confession for the first time in nine months, come back into the welcoming arms of the Church, and rebegin my spiritual journey – but I expected greater things than were happening to me, quicker and more immediate development, and for my own parish to look at me as an exemplar of Christian life as a result of my friendliness, my charity, and my involvement. Seeing that none of this was coming to fruition, I grew despondent, impatient, and even angry. Is it any surprise, then, that when an obstacle presented itself I should come tumbling down, more willingly than not, from my high-horse? This is how I have lived a majority of my adult life, pursuing an object with much devotion and fervency, but the moment I am contested and am faced with my weaknesses, I crumble – at which point I must reassemble myself and begin again someplace else or someplace familiar that I’ve not visited in months or years, having repressed the foul emotions and stagnation associated with my past personal defeats.

I’ve lived a sheltered life. I don’t have much experience in or with the world. My own little world has continually been one where I haven’t longed for food, water, clothes, or shelter. I’ve even always had the ability to enjoy plenty of luxuries ranging from a large soft bed to being able to buy what I want, even if that happens to be on credit. And despite feeling particularly self-righteous for being able to say “no” every once in a while to another new luxury item, I must contend that with all of the items I already own, some of those in true surplus, that saying “no” shouldn’t be especially difficult. It’s not as if I’m starving, diseased or in some other wretched or pitiful state being offered relief but refusing it for the same of my friend or, even worse, someone I thoroughly dislike.

Is it not obvious, then, based on all that I’ve said above why it is that I doubt in myself? Should anyone who disgusts themselves as much as I disgust myself find any reason to trust in something so antithetical to all that I wish to stand for and live as? I feel like a disgrace to humanity, as if I’m nothing more than a waste of biological material; I feel like a disgrace to civil society, contributing nothing but only seeking to remain employed so that I can buy all of those Bruce Springsteen albums I’ve been eyeing in the store; I feel like a disgrace to God and the Church for thinking (even though it is on the brink of sincerely believing) myself to be beyond grace, forgiveness, and redemption.


#2

How old are you? It might help us understand things better.

Betsy


#3

27


#4

I think you’ve answered your own question here. You’re impatient with yourself, thinking you “should be” better or stronger or whatever. The journey of faith isn’t always easy, and things don’t always happen as quickly as we’d like them to. Getting upset with yourself (or God) because you think you’re not growing in holiness fast enough isn’t helping much, it’s only causing you to stumble.

Remember that God meets us where we are and helps us along our journey. The homily at Mass this past Sunday was all about how God is patient with us, waiting for us always (as long as we haven’t hardened our hearts toward Him). I think you need to be a little more patient with yourself.

:hug1:


#5

Epistemes: What you’re going through is entering a new stage of maturity, from what’s been said, it seems, and things aren’t as they were when you were 19 or 22. You’re seeing things broader.

Here’s a tennis quote from Nick Bollitieri:

Believe in your ability, never fear mistakes, and make a full follow-through, especially at crunch time.

It’s nice, I think.


#6

Believe, hope, and trust in God, not in yourself. :slight_smile:


#7

Hello,

Thanks to everyone who has replied, so far.

Let me offer a brief apology. You see, this post is actually part of something much larger and much more broad which I began working on last night. My reputation on this forum is far from stellar due to my own personal misgivings about the spiritual life, and I, as a result, have often and frequently posted about such misgivings. You can view some of those threads here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Given the sheer number of times I have fallen prey to desperation, I decided the best thing to do might be to actually sit down, analyze my situation, and find out why my spiritual life is in the shape it is. And so, as I dug deeper and deeper into myself I uncovered a lot of hurtful, painful realities which have contributed to my dissatisfaction and lack of progression along the spiritual path. By the end of the night I reached some resolutions, but unfortunately I did not post those resolutions here; instead, all you have been able to read is yet another post full of desperation. To correct this mistake I offer you the full text, if you so choose to read it:

commonlyspeaking.blogspot.com/2008/09/reflections-pt-1.html


#8

I was wondering if you have a Spiritual Director?


#9

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