I know I’m the one who’s made the most changes. I didn’t begin any changes without at least a little hint from him that he was ready to change. I always wanted children, but I never pushed for it, and I managed contraception flawlessly for more than a decade. He didn’t even like me being on contraception because he said he thought it was unnatural. That’s what he said anyway. He didn’t want any children either though. In early 2005 he said he was changing his attitude towards having children, that he believed now that it was a responsibility for us. That was the first time in the many years we had been together that he was that positive about being open to children. It was during that same conversation that I said I had to start going back to church because I believed children should be raised with some form of faith formation, as I was, and he was too. I told him I had no ideas in my head that he would convert (and I didn’t at the time, although I pray for it now). I told him I didn’t think he could convert, because it’s very difficult to be a good Catholic (maybe that was a stupid thing to say?). A few months after this conversation, and a few additional conversations about me coming off of ABC and transitioning to a charting method, I stopped using ABC. He wasn’t interested in learning NFP, although I would leave the books in his seat where he would watch television, and I asked repeatedly for him to take a class with me. I really didn’t think I would get pregnant so quickly though, as I have some health issues related to my fertility, some of which were part of the reason I was advised to take ABC. I was probably only able to become pregnant because I was coming off those hormones. My charts now don’t indicate I have much of a chance of getting pregnant, or at least of implantation anyway (I suspect a luteal phase defect).
Anyway, I started practicing the faith, going faithfully every week for three months before I quit smoking. I conceived the same month that I quit smoking. Part of my reason for quitting was because we were no longer practicing ABC, and even though I thought the chances of pregnancy were slim, they were much better chances than before coming off the ABC, so it was best I quit.
We talked about this on Sunday. I asked him if he missed me smoking with him, and he tearfully said yes. I asked him if he knew why I quit, and the first reason he gave was that he thought I only did it because the church said so. I explained to him that it was primarily for our son that I quit, and also because I really was sick and tired of it, it was a long time bad habit I wanted and needed to break. Look at the time line… if it was only the church that lead me to quit, then I would have quit the smoke at the same time I quit the ABC. I quit the smoke for my health and the heath of our prospective children. I thought he understood all this, that’s the time line, that’s how it all happened.
He can use a condom, he’s not bound by church law, but he doesn’t seem interested. I’m not going to initiate sex outside my infertile time, knowing that he’ll use a condom, I believe that makes me culpable. But I do initiate sex during my infertile time. He did take the classes with me just after our son was born. I discuss my chart with him, he knows what’s going on there, but he also knows he can use a condom if it’s not what we call “the free love zone”.
I honestly have been as gentle with this transition as I think I possibly could have been. And everything I’ve done has been for his child whom he simply adores.