Why do married men go to prostitutes?

I’m fairly certain my husband has been with a prostitute or two by now. I’m trying to get him into counseling, but not sure how much good it will do since he seems unwilling to be truthful. It’s a terrible situation.

I wondering though, why has he done this? At the same time, he’s being “better” towards me, gave me a passionate kiss before bed tonight, which he doesn’t usually do, and I’m fairly certain now (after finding some evidence) he saw a prostitute on Sunday.

I know no one but my husband can tell me exactly why he went to see a prostitute, but I wonder if anyone has any opinion on the subject, or even any resources to help me both cope with this and confront him effectively. I have to confront him, I just don’t know how, or when. I’d like to have a bag packed for him tomorrow when he comes home and show him the evidence I’ve found. I just don’t want to share a home with him while he’s behaving this way. I’d sure like to know why he’s done this. There must be a root cause.

Self respect, self-respect, self-respect!!!

Don’t even let him kiss you if you have reason to believe he has been with other women. Do you think you are something to be walked on??? He could have several diseases by now… hpv…clamydia… herpes or whatever … that is another reason why secrecy about adultery is so so wrong.

Sit him down first thing when you see him. Tell him why you believe what you believe. And if you actually know for a fact what has been going on, then tell him that plainly. Then tell him to move out of the casa and into a hotel for the time being. :frowning:

Woman, know your worth!

Have the two of you been talking much lately? Do you spend time together, talking about your lives, kids(if you have any) and sharing your thoughts?

Are you sure he’s gone to prostitute? Genuine question.

I hate to suggest it, but do you suspect an affair?

Or is it possible there is something new he’s involved in that has nothing to do with another woman?

I’m not asking you for private details, unless you feel comfortable sharing. It’s a very personal discussion.

I ask these questions, in general, because I think they do need to be asked and thought about in a situation like this. No-one reading your post will know truly what is going on.

well I think the way to do this is exactly what you have said - have your bag packed and have your evidence ready. Tell him you love him and want to go to counseling, but you can’t stay unless he is willing te tell you the truth (this may be something different than you think, so listen and think about what you have heard - do you believe him?)

If he does not “know what you are talking about” or denies it and won’t even talk, you HAVE to follow through on your threat to leave- never make that threat if you will not back it up - he knows you are not serious then and won’t have any reason to be honest with you. The thought of you leaving (or the thought of it after you have left may push him to tell the truth.

And by the way, you say he’s been more nice towards you and gave you a passionate kiss. Usually men who cheat are nicer to their wives. They feel guilty so in their mind they are “making up for it”. It’s very common with cheating - especially if there have been gifts or outings. If he has had sex with a prostitute, and admitted it and you stayed, then do not have sex until 3 months have passed (the standard waiting time usually for HIV ,syphalis, ghonorrhea, and clymidia. Also make sure you keep having regular paps and he also could give you HPV wich may lead to cancer down the road. Thankfully the road to get cancer from HPV is usually a long one, so if you have anbormal cells on your annual pap, they can take care of it usually easily. Your doctor could even give you the guardasil shot (sp) now to ease your mnd. I would call.

If you do end up leaving, make sure you get tested for all those things 3 months from now too.

Good luck.

I went through his cell phone and found a number for a $100 prostitute. I found her ad on the net by searching for the phone number. He called the number last Thursday. He received a call from the same number Sunday a half hour after he withdrew $300 from his checking account @ noon. I came home from church just before 1:00, and found dozens of web searches for local prostitutes. I called him several times to no answer until he called back at 1:45. He was supposed to be hiking, that’s what he lead me to believe he was doing when he dropped our son off at church. I told him I wanted to ask him to leave. He came home a couple of hours later and we seriously discussed divorce. He said he does not want to get divorced, but he does not want to go to counseling either. He finally conceded to counseling, but probably because he was coerced.

Immediately after going to the bank, he bought a travel toothbrush from a pharmacy. I saw a charge for a couple of dollars, and found the toothbrush, still moist, in his truck last night. I took the toothbrush, and a bunch of little notes with girl’s names and numbers, some of which had characteristics written next to the names such as “pretty” “nice” “good looking” “black”. The number called from his cell phone was one of these numbers.

So that’s what I know, and that’s why I want to have his bag packed tonight when he gets home.

I know my worth, but I’m scared. I am a stay at home mom, the only money I receive is what he gives me. I could probably pay rent by myself next week, but I wouldn’t last even a couple of months on my own savings, and to get the baby into day care, and find a job as well, I just don’t know how I’d do it. I’m also in school, although there’s only a few weeks left of that.

If only I knew what to say to him. I don’t know what he’s thinking, but I can guess whatever it is he’s thinking, it’s disturbed.

Do you have family or friends you could stay with?

DCE…

I feel so sorry for you, I do! sometimes men are just … rgh!!

What about your parents? can’t they help you out for a little while till you end school and get a job?
Or what about Church… this is the time where the Church, if it lives up to its name, will help a sister in need … maybe they would collect money for you or something… I know that would mean telling the priest about the problems… but that is okay, coz its definately not your fault.

I live on the other side of the planet and have only one room to live in myself but if you were here I’d offer you and your child my bed and I could sleep on the floor…

Its a mystery to me why many people have an inclination to destroy the really good things in life… Your husband is to be pitied…
But you gotta take care of your self and your kid now.
What do you tell him? You put the “evidence” in from of him and tell him straight from your heart what you are thinking, feeling and what is gonna happen now… Its that simple…

:console:

We went out of town together a little more than a week ago to meet his mother at a cabin on the lake. We didn’t really talk much, he does his thing and leaves me on my own a lot. He rented the cabin for an extra day for us to be alone, but then he spent that day fishing alone while I stayed at the cabin and watched TV while the baby napped. The car ride to and from the lake was not very talkative, he’s more concerned about listening to his music.

Not having seen it actually happen in front of my face, no I’m not sure, but I’m fairly certain based on the evidence I’ve found combined with a time line of events, and his general lack of honesty.

No, he’s not very personable or sociable. He’s a loner. I doubt he’s met up with someone and established any sort of a personable relationship like an affair.

Something innocent? Doubt it.

I know, I appreciate any input I can get, I only have one girlfriend who knows what’s been going on, she’s been a great friend to me. I’d have fallen apart by now if it weren’t for her. Other than this one person, I’ve kept this all to myself except for internet forums where anonymity gives me an opportunity to ask for unbiased advice. My parents are going to be heartbroken to hear what I’ve been going through. I doubt they like him much, but they want me to be happy, so I know it will hurt them to find out just how unhappy a marriage I have.

Not really, my parents are not far, but my brother and his wife and son are moving in with them for the next year so she can finish school. They’re supposed to arrive next week or the week after I think.

Besides that, I have friends here. My oldest friends are actually my neighbors. I’ve not done anything wrong, so I shouldn’t have to be put out of my home. I think it’s more appropriate that he leave and deal with the situation he created. The money is a scary situation though. I’d have to drain my old retirement account. And the prospect of funding a divorce attorney, I just don’t know how to handle it all.

How long have you been married? Has he had any previous problems with sins of purity (porn, racy movies, masturbation, etc).

I have already spoken to my priest, but only briefly on the phone a few weeks ago. I’ve been meaning to call him back, so I’m probably going to do that today. Catholic Charities is not far from my home either, but I’m not destitute yet.

I don’t see how we can work this out without counseling. But how can counseling work if he’s not willing, or is dishonest to the therapist as well as to me. Our problems are deeper than just his seeing prostitutes. We saw a therapist last December, and I went back this past Friday. The therapist said we were not going to be able to work out our problems in just a few sessions.

We’ve been sweethearts for 15 years, lived together for 10 years, and have been married for 4 years. I found him looking at porn about six months after we started living together. I was not practicing the faith at the time, I came back to the church 3 years ago after we discussed having a baby. He is terribly hurt by my involvement in the church, that’s a huge part of our problem. I don’t try to convert him, because it would cause trouble, but he can’t seem to just let me practice the faith. He feels abandoned in a way. We really need to talk about this with a disinterested third party. He has serious trust issues and an extremely problematic childhood experience. Since the baby was born in 2006, and I was laid off from my job making him the sole source of income, his behavior has seriously deteriorated. He uses marijuana habitually, and drinks too much too often as well. I was his smoking buddy for many years, but I left all that behind in 2005 when we decided to have a baby. I hoped he would straighten up like I did for the sake of family and our family’s future, but it actually got worse. He’s making more money now than he ever has in his life, he’s more than capable of providing. I can’t understand the choices he’s making. I didn’t think he was this disturbed, that he would jeopardize his child’s future in this way. He loves his son dearly, none of this makes sense.

There’s been a whole lot of changes between us in the last three years, but nothing so problematic that could possibly justify his behavior. Why does he choose to go off to a prostitute and continually escape his personal problems, and problems in our relationship, rather than just fix them and live truthfully? So that’s why I’m asking the question here, why would a married man choose to go to a prostitute rather than work things out with a woman who’s more than willing?

Why? Because men are sometimes stupid and don’t think with their heads all the time (sorry men, it’s true for some guys). Your husband actually thought he could get away with this - one thing though for you guys out there to learn - women know when something is up and they are like little detectives then - we WILL find out what is going on sooner or later. :newidea:

Your husband has no respect for you. He may love you, but as they sometimes love just ain’t enough.

Why does he not work it out with his willing spouse? Because he doesn’t want to put the effort in, as you said, he just wants some pleasure without any drama - well what he doesn’t get is that he’s caused his own drama and he probably thought you would never figure it out (men don’t get us enough credit sometimes) and that he could have his cake and eat it too.

He didn’t realize it, but he will - he ruined the best thing in his life. I say kick him out and give him an ultimatum - he goes to individual therapy -and marriage counseling with you- X times a week (preferably once or twice a week of each counciling) and shows you he’s trustworthy). If he can’t do this in say the next 6 months, you will file for divorce - this gives you time to get prepared and save money for it. Good luck.

I don’t know if any guys have answered your question (actually I don’t know if anybody has answered your question . . .), but here’s my top ten input. Actually, I could only think of ten things. Disclaimer: I am only half qualified to answer–I’m married, but have never gone to a prositute. Also, I don’t claim that any of these are good reasons (there are no good reasons), nor should anyone infer that the fault is anyone’s except the husband.

  1. It’s different
  2. He prefers blondes/brunettes/red heads and his wife isn’t that (and won’t wear a wig because she thinks it’s kinky).
  3. His wife has gained a lot of weight
  4. Wife hasn’t gained enough weight (some men like large women)
  5. Wife is too tired of keeping house, tutoring kids, making meals, mowing the grass, paying the bills, caulking the tub, removing splinters, killing spiders, grocery shopping and being a taxi driver to pander to his needs (OK, a little tongue in cheek, but some guys think like that).
  6. The prostitute cares about satisfying his every desire while she is on the clock
  7. The prosititute doesn’t nag him
  8. The prostitute will experiment in the bedroom (no inhibitions or hangups about positions, foreplay methods, etc.)
  9. The prostitute is younger and he wishes he was and you were
  10. It’s anonymous. He can talk to her about anything or nothing and she doesn’t care one way or the other. No emotional sharing, which is not something most of us guys consider our strong suit.

After reading this, I think I have a handle on what is causing his problems. Let’s take a look… The two of you meet and do a lot of the same things together. You are not “religious” and don’t see a problem with many types of behaviors that the Church would not approve of, so you indulge. Neither of you see anything wrong with that, you’re not hurting anyone, so who cares? You have a great time.

Then your circumstances start to change. You have a child, which puts a strain on any relationship. You become Catholic, which he can’t understand, doesn’t want anything to do with, doesn’t want to change his lifestyle, etc… He feels abandoned. You’re not the woman he married. His best smoking buddy is gone. The baby takes more of your time away from him. Everything he knows about life and what has made him happy for the past 10+ years is gone.

He is turning to what he knows to make him feel better. It’s a very problematic situation when one spouse turns to the faith but the other does not. Hard is an understatement to describe trying to be faithful to a non-believing spouse and the Church at the same time.

Ultimately he needs to turn to God for everything to be better. I don’t know what advice to give you on your current situation. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, and I will definitely pray that God will give you the strength and prescence of mind to do what He would have you do. You are called to be faithful to God and his commands first and foremost. I know that many would say that since he has broken your marital vows you are free to file for divorce, but I don’t believe that is what God would want you to do. And it would just further his belief that you are the one leaving him. That’s probably why it doesn’t bother him to be with a prostitute, because in his eyes you’re the one being unfaithful to him.

I would pray unceasingly for guidance. Definitely talk to your priest and see if there is any type of assistance that they could give you. I agree with you that you shouldn’t have to be the one to leave, but it may be the better option depending on his reaction to your knowing what he’s done. Depleting your savings would be more detrimental than taking outside help I think… ((hugs))

I hate that this is happening to you and you’re in my prayers. That being said, It sounds to me like you’re the one who has changed. Don take this the wrong way, the changes you made were GOOD, but they are still changes.

Look at it from your husband’s POV, he was shacked up with his girlfriend, smoking dope and drinking. Then y’all get married start a family and all of the sudden, you convert to Catholicism and add that to the changes in his life that started with becoming a husband and a daddy. No info here, but I’m guessing that part of your coming back to the Church was a rather painful discussion about ABC and a resulting change in your intimacy…

It seems to me that you’ve decided to become Catholic, and thats a good thing. But until and unless he is ready to become Catholic, you guys are going to have problems, and he is going to feel like the “rug was pulled out form under him”. I honestly don’t know what advice to give you, and I’m not defending his actions, but take a few minutes and think of the last few years from his point of view, leaving religion (which he obviously doesn’t believe in) out of it.

I know I’m the one who’s made the most changes. I didn’t begin any changes without at least a little hint from him that he was ready to change. I always wanted children, but I never pushed for it, and I managed contraception flawlessly for more than a decade. He didn’t even like me being on contraception because he said he thought it was unnatural. That’s what he said anyway. He didn’t want any children either though. In early 2005 he said he was changing his attitude towards having children, that he believed now that it was a responsibility for us. That was the first time in the many years we had been together that he was that positive about being open to children. It was during that same conversation that I said I had to start going back to church because I believed children should be raised with some form of faith formation, as I was, and he was too. I told him I had no ideas in my head that he would convert (and I didn’t at the time, although I pray for it now). I told him I didn’t think he could convert, because it’s very difficult to be a good Catholic (maybe that was a stupid thing to say?). A few months after this conversation, and a few additional conversations about me coming off of ABC and transitioning to a charting method, I stopped using ABC. He wasn’t interested in learning NFP, although I would leave the books in his seat where he would watch television, and I asked repeatedly for him to take a class with me. I really didn’t think I would get pregnant so quickly though, as I have some health issues related to my fertility, some of which were part of the reason I was advised to take ABC. I was probably only able to become pregnant because I was coming off those hormones. My charts now don’t indicate I have much of a chance of getting pregnant, or at least of implantation anyway (I suspect a luteal phase defect).

Anyway, I started practicing the faith, going faithfully every week for three months before I quit smoking. I conceived the same month that I quit smoking. Part of my reason for quitting was because we were no longer practicing ABC, and even though I thought the chances of pregnancy were slim, they were much better chances than before coming off the ABC, so it was best I quit.

We talked about this on Sunday. I asked him if he missed me smoking with him, and he tearfully said yes. I asked him if he knew why I quit, and the first reason he gave was that he thought I only did it because the church said so. I explained to him that it was primarily for our son that I quit, and also because I really was sick and tired of it, it was a long time bad habit I wanted and needed to break. Look at the time line… if it was only the church that lead me to quit, then I would have quit the smoke at the same time I quit the ABC. I quit the smoke for my health and the heath of our prospective children. I thought he understood all this, that’s the time line, that’s how it all happened.

He can use a condom, he’s not bound by church law, but he doesn’t seem interested. I’m not going to initiate sex outside my infertile time, knowing that he’ll use a condom, I believe that makes me culpable. But I do initiate sex during my infertile time. He did take the classes with me just after our son was born. I discuss my chart with him, he knows what’s going on there, but he also knows he can use a condom if it’s not what we call “the free love zone”.

I honestly have been as gentle with this transition as I think I possibly could have been. And everything I’ve done has been for his child whom he simply adores.

Will he go into treatment for his durg addiction? That seems to be the logical first step here.

I doubt it. He doesn’t think it’s all that big of a problem. Or at least that’s what he says. I think he really does know it’s a big problem, but it’s too important to him. Both his parents use marijuana too, but both have serious relationship issues as well. They divorced when he was real young. He has childhood memories of their pot parties. Both claim to be reformed though, that they wouldn’t do it in front of children now. They were teenagers when they had him. He had a tumultuous childhood to say the least, but believes his experience makes him a stronger person. The exact opposite is true, but how do you make a person see that if they’re unwilling?

I am also sorry for your difficulties. I’ll say a prayer for you.

The problem, in a nutshell, is that you husband is not what most Catholics/Christians, would consider good husband material, and never was. Drugs, not wanting children, etc. When you met/married him you didn’t care, and even abetted his bad behavior.

Now, you have had a conversion, Praise God!, which is great.
Unfortunately, it’s not great to him.

If he is unwilling to change, you may have to separate, and even divorce to protect your rights, financially. If he intended never to have children, the validity of your marriage would also be open to question.

I echo the idea of speaking to your priest.

Good luck and God Bless

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.