Why do people say feelings cannot be right nor wrong?


#1

How much importance should they be given? I’m think feeling possessive or jealous is wrong. We don’t own anyone. It can be difficult to understand that when you believe or feel betrayed. Like I mentioned in a previous post like how some people have difficulty mentally letting go of a past lover or feel slighted, bitter or angry by their rejection or how quickly they moved on. When something is over, it is over. Those are feelings I struggle with. I’m not physically controlling anyone, but I cannot let them go.
How do feelings of possessiveness or control manifest in a terrible way?
A lot of people argue you cannot help how you feel. Is that true or not?


#2

That is true to a degree. But we can make a conscious effort to hold on to bad thoughts and emotions or conversely to make some effort to try and rid ourselves of the feelings.

How we act on those feelings is what we do have control over. Some of the terrible feelings I’ve had in the past took a long time to recede. But there are various ways we can make them go away more quickly.


#3

God is jealous and cannot sin. Jealousy, in the sense of faith, is to keep those who belong to you. So, jealousy is not always bad. Jealousy as applied to persons or physical possessions can be sinful, as it can be intertwined with lust or covetousness. It feeds the ego.

How to explain our Lord on the cross, Who prayed that His Father would forgive those who were killing Him? That is a rather remarkable letting go - the greatest in human history. Those who claim that we cannot control our feelings are telling you that they cannot control their feelings.

Forgiveness is control of our feelings. It releases the heart from the poisonous possession of resentment, hatred or retaliation.

Controlling our feelings is freedom.


#4

It is possible to change your story to change emotions or to change your behavior to change your emotions, since emotions are flexible. Cognitive Psychology and Positive Psychology utilize these.


#5

I think you can control your feelings but I don’t always think you can control how you feel. It sounds redundant but it is not.


#6

Show me and explain.


#7

Get a copy of Fr. Jacques Philippe’s “Searching for and Maintaining Peace.” A 100 page spiritual masterpiece. Priests and Bishops read it to deal with all of us loopy parishioners.


#8

Two resources:

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by Dr. David D. Burns
Exploring Positive Psychology: The Science of Happiness and Well-Being by Erik M. Gregory

David D. Burns, Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy:

Table 3–1. Definitions of Cognitive Distortions

1. ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING: You see things in black-and-white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

2. OVERGENERALIZATION: You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.

3. MENTAL FILTER: You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that colors the entire beaker of water.

4. DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE: You reject positive experiences by insisting they “don’t count” for some reason or other. In this way you can maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences.

5. JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS: You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion. a. Mind reading. You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and you don’t bother to check this out. b. The Fortune Teller Error. You anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction is an already-established fact.

6. MAGNIFICATION (CATASTROPHIZING) OR MINIMIZATION: You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else’s achievement), or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or the other fellow’s imperfections). This is also called the “binocular trick.”

7. EMOTIONAL REASONING: You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: “I feel it, therefore it must be true.”

8. SHOULD STATEMENTS: You try to motivate yourself with shoulds and shouldn’ts, as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything. “Musts” and “oughts” are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment.

9. LABELING AND MISLABELING: This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself: “I’m a loser.” When someone else’s behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him: “He’s a goddam louse.” Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.

10. PERSONALIZATION: You see yourself as me cause of some negative external event which in fact you were not primarily responsible for.”


#9

Oh God humans are flawed.


#10

From the Catechism:

THE MORALITY OF THE PASSIONS

1762 The human person is ordered to beatitude by his deliberate acts: the passions or feelings he experiences can dispose him to it and contribute to it.

1763 The term “passions” belongs to the Christian patrimony. Feelings or passions are emotions or movements of the sensitive appetite that incline us to act or not to act in regard to something felt or imagined to be good or evil.

1764 The passions are natural components of the human psyche; they form the passageway and ensure the connection between the life of the senses and the life of the mind. Our Lord called man’s heart the source from which the passions spring.40

1765 There are many passions. the most fundamental passion is love, aroused by the attraction of the good. Love causes a desire for the absent good and the hope of obtaining it; this movement finds completion in the pleasure and joy of the good possessed. the apprehension of evil causes hatred, aversion, and fear of the impending evil; this movement ends in sadness at some present evil, or in the anger that resists it.

1766 "To love is to will the good of another."41 All other affections have their source in this first movement of the human heart toward the good. Only the good can be loved.42 Passions "are evil if love is evil and good if it is good."43

II. Passions and Moral Life

1767 In themselves passions are neither good nor evil. They are morally qualified only to the extent that they effectively engage reason and will. Passions are said to be voluntary, "either because they are commanded by the will or because the will does not place obstacles in their way."44 It belongs to the perfection of the moral or human good that the passions be governed by reason.45

1768 Strong feelings are not decisive for the morality or the holiness of persons; they are simply the inexhaustible reservoir of images and affections in which the moral life is expressed. Passions are morally good when they contribute to a good action, evil in the opposite case. the upright will orders the movements of the senses it appropriates to the good and to beatitude; an evil will succumbs to disordered passions and exacerbates them. Emotions and feelings can be taken up into the virtues or perverted by the vices.

1769 In the Christian life, the Holy Spirit himself accomplishes his work by mobilizing the whole being, with all its sorrows, fears and sadness, as is visible in the Lord’s agony and passion. In Christ human feelings are able to reach their consummation in charity and divine beatitude.

1770 Moral perfection consists in man’s being moved to the good not by his will alone, but also by his sensitive appetite, as in the words of the psalm: "My heart and flesh sing for joy to the living God."46


#11

Let’s put it this way–you can not, by sheer force of will, stop yourself feeling x and begin to start feeling y.

You can, however, influence the circumstances around your feelings, and make conscious decisions about your plan of action.

For instance, you break up and are devastated.
You have the choice–to stalk them on the internet or not.
Or talk badly about them to everyone you see or not.
Or sit at home alone and brood, or go out and have fun.
To curse them in your heart or pray for them.
To deliberately turn over in your mind every wrong they did to you or not.

Certain choices will lead to certain feelings. But in an indirect way.


#12

Thank you for all these practical measures


#13

You can’t control your feelings. You can control your actions.

Say someone cuts you off in traffic. You might get momentarily angry. You can’t control that, that’s your bodies natural reaction. You can control your actions after that. Do you ignore it and just let it go? Maybe call the police if that person appears to be a true danger. Or do you honk on the horn and curse and let it get to you and go cut them off and flip them off? Right way, wrong way.

If someone is really kind to you, and loving, you’ll probably feel affection for that person in your heart. Your actions will be to reciprocate in some appropriate way or just ignore the person. One right way, one wrong way.


#14

You should hang out more with the angels. They would be more to your liking, but they are also quite intense, just so you know.


#15

Why do people use their free will to feel insulted, slighted or irritated by people’s words? Why do people choose to feel hurt then blame the other person?


#16

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