Why do we mourn over people that hurt us?


#1

Hi,

I've written here a few times already. My husband and I are getting divorced and I am pregnant. I go back into wallowing about it, and guilt/shame over something I've done wrong. I am not allowed to contact him.

I guess, I need some comfort and wisdom over all of this. You don't know how many times I've looked at my phone and wished I could call him. The dumb part is, I doubt he would be any different than before, and I would not get what I truly need: care respect compassion.

Why do we mourn over people that hurt us?

~Lily


#2

I am so sorry about your situation. I’m sure it is not easy.

Family, good friends, and a spiritual director you trust can be helpful at times like this.

Prayers for you!


#3

For lots of reasons and lots of possibilities.

It may mean you truly love that person and being separated hurts. It may be that you are not getting the love you need and that makes you hurt. It may be that you have an unhealthy attachemnt to an unhealthy situation. It may be feelings from your childhood or in you past that are being triggered by this recent separation.

There are many reasons that we can mourn over those who hurt us. The real question is, how are you going to deal with it and get through the pain and work toward growth?

People get upset (at least from what I've noticed) when others say "you should get counseling". I can understand why, but I have to tell you, my wife and I both went through some tough times before we were married and we both went through counseling and it really helps. I suggest that you look into it...as well as get counseling from your Priest.


#4

Lily I will be praying for you so that somehow this situation gets fixed.

Hail Mary,
Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit
of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of death.


#5

[quote="lily20, post:1, topic:250829"]
Hi,

I've written here a few times already. My husband and I are getting divorced and I am pregnant. I go back into wallowing about it, and guilt/shame over something I've done wrong. I am not allowed to contact him.

I guess, I need some comfort and wisdom over all of this. You don't know how many times I've looked at my phone and wished I could call him. The dumb part is, I doubt he would be any different than before, and I would not get what I truly need: care respect compassion.

Why do we mourn over people that hurt us?

~Lily

[/quote]

Not knowing the circumstances it would be hard to advise .
I do say, though, when circumstances cannot be reconciled because of mistakes we make in our life., our only help and hope in the end ,in many cases ,is our complete surrender to God. We must turn to Him for the power to take up our cross, ask him to help us to bear what must be born. He will! God bless and help you in your need, Peace, Carlan


#6

Thank you for your prayers, it helps to know I am not alone.

He was abusive to me so I had to leave, and he blamed me. It hurts so much, because I do love him. He is so manipulative that my lawyer says I cannot contact him. And I do know it's bad for me to, it just is such a sad ending.

Maybe also I have some childhood abandonment issues that this has triggered.

in Christ,
~Lily


#7

Stay close to the Lord, as He is always there for us. He can heal our wounds.


#8

I think we mourn the person that we THOUGHT we had...

You thought your husband was a good man.... etc. Turns out he's not. That person doesn't even exist. That's sad. Kind of like a death. You have to deal with that. And you have to deal with the fact that you can't even see how bad he is... which is hard too...It's hard when we have to question our own judgment. We don't like being SOOOOOO wrong about a person. Puts us on guard ourselves... forces us to question ourselves a bit...

Prayers


#9

[quote="lily20, post:1, topic:250829"]
Hi,

I've written here a few times already. My husband and I are getting divorced and I am pregnant. I go back into wallowing about it, and guilt/shame over something I've done wrong. I am not allowed to contact him.

I guess, I need some comfort and wisdom over all of this. You don't know how many times I've looked at my phone and wished I could call him. The dumb part is, I doubt he would be any different than before, and I would not get what I truly need: care respect compassion.

Why do we mourn over people that hurt us?

~Lily

[/quote]

So sorry to hear about your circumstances, Lily. :( I'll be praying heavily for you.

I understand this feeling. Loving someone who turns out to be something other than what they are causes you to feel like, in a very real way, the person you loved has died. I wouldn't be surprised if the brain physiologically reacted the same way to the death of a loved one.

I dunno what your situation is, but I hope reconciliation with your husband isn't off the table. I'll be praying for that, too.


#10

I think there would be something wrong if you DIDN'T mourn! What you've suffered is a loss. A loss of a dream, a marriage, a family and a husband. I think you mourn for what you wanted him to be. Certainly not for the abuse! When you married him you had a vision for how your life would be, and separation/divorce makes the loss of the dream a reality. You are not crazy, just hurting. Praying helps and so does time. God bless you! You are in my prayers tonight.


#11

Lily,
I am sorry that you are going through this. Here's a hug! :hug3:

While I can't imagine being pregnant and in the process of divorcing,
I do know a little bit about being betrayed & hurt by the people that you love.

I also know a little bit about "childhood abandonment issues".

You are not alone, all of us go through this type of thing in one way or another,
and it is always painful.

One of the things that helps me out when these feelings are triggered is to pray with the the Passion Story.

I meditate on Jesus and his agony in the garden- where his friends could not even stay awake for an hour.

Judas betraying him with a kiss, all of the apostles hiding in fear while He is tortured and executed.

In His greatest hour of need, none of Jesus' human friends where there for Him, but He never let His faith in the Father falter...
remember His last words...
"into your hands, I commend my spirit..."
Unite your suffering with the suffering of Christ,
and trust that God will lead you to new life!!

I will keep you in prayer. Peace be with you on your journey.:gopray2:


#12

Thank you for your prayers.

:-)


#13

Oh Lily, I am so sad for you. I too will add you to my prayers.


#14

[quote="lily20, post:6, topic:250829"]
Thank you for your prayers, it helps to know I am not alone.

He was abusive to me so I had to leave, and he blamed me. It hurts so much, because I do love him. He is so manipulative that my lawyer says I cannot contact him. And I do know it's bad for me to, it just is such a sad ending.

Maybe also I have some childhood abandonment issues that this has triggered.

in Christ,
~Lily

[/quote]

Hi Lily,

I pray to God that He help you with this cross.

I think sometimes we want to believe the best about people, especially people we care about deeply. We try SO hard to see the good in them, or to see them as salvagable if only we can find the right answer to bring them back from their ways. But is this reality...? Sometimes not.

So we fall in "love" with someone who doesn't exist: a perfect version of an imperfect reality. We see prince charming in the street mongrel. I'm not going to say this isn't actually love (after all, I think God loves me for what I could be if I were what He originally designed me for... righteousness), but it's certainly not the kind of love that we can build healthy relationships on.

I went through something similar once, and it was on a catholic retreat that I found my answer. I kept thinking "Oh man, God, how do I solve this problem and make this person see reason and come back to being a good person?" And then I just kind of had my answer: I was trying to fix what was not my place to fix. I was seeing potential that, for me, was not there. Basically, God slapped me with the impression that my efforts weren't effective and wouldn't be.

It was hard as hell, but I finally had to tell God, "Okay, I'm going to let this person go completely. I give them to You, God, so that You, in Your infinite wisdom and mercy, can lead them with Your grace."

It doesn't sound to me like you can "save" your husband. It sounds like you have an image of him as salvageable that doesn't square with reality (hence your lawyer's sound advice). So offer him to God for God to do with as God wills (and just pray that your husband is open to the grace that will be his salvation and true turning point in life)


#15

[quote="lily20, post:1, topic:250829"]
Hi,

I've written here a few times already. My husband and I are getting divorced and I am pregnant. I go back into wallowing about it, and guilt/shame over something I've done wrong. I am not allowed to contact him.

I guess, I need some comfort and wisdom over all of this. You don't know how many times I've looked at my phone and wished I could call him. The dumb part is, I doubt he would be any different than before, and I would not get what I truly need: care respect compassion.

Why do we mourn over people that hurt us?

~Lily

[/quote]

I pray God gives you the strength and comfort you need and I pray for your unborn child.

You have been given good advice here. Perhaps you are mourning the loss of your ideal and hope for a partner who loved you and would have been with you to bring up your child together. God bless.


#16

[quote="lily20, post:1, topic:250829"]
Hi,

I've written here a few times already. My husband and I are getting divorced and I am pregnant. I go back into wallowing about it, and guilt/shame over something I've done wrong. I am not allowed to contact him.

I guess, I need some comfort and wisdom over all of this. You don't know how many times I've looked at my phone and wished I could call him. The dumb part is, I doubt he would be any different than before, and I would not get what I truly need: care respect compassion.

Why do we mourn over people that hurt us?

~Lily

[/quote]

I pray God gives you the strength and comfort you need and I pray for your unborn child.

You have been given good advice here. Perhaps you are mourning the loss of your ideal and hope for a partner who loved you and would have been with you to bring up your child together. God bless.


#17

[quote="promethius, post:14, topic:250829"]
Hi Lily,

I pray to God that He help you with this cross.

I think sometimes we want to believe the best about people, especially people we care about deeply. We try SO hard to see the good in them, or to see them as salvagable if only we can find the right answer to bring them back from their ways. But is this reality...? Sometimes not.

So we fall in "love" with someone who doesn't exist: a perfect version of an imperfect reality. We see prince charming in the street mongrel. I'm not going to say this isn't actually love (after all, I think God loves me for what I could be if I were what He originally designed me for... righteousness), but it's certainly not the kind of love that we can build healthy relationships on.

I went through something similar once, and it was on a catholic retreat that I found my answer. I kept thinking "Oh man, God, how do I solve this problem and make this person see reason and come back to being a good person?" And then I just kind of had my answer: I was trying to fix what was not my place to fix. I was seeing potential that, for me, was not there. Basically, God slapped me with the impression that my efforts weren't effective and wouldn't be.

It was hard as hell, but I finally had to tell God, "Okay, I'm going to let this person go completely. I give them to You, God, so that You, in Your infinite wisdom and mercy, can lead them with Your grace."

It doesn't sound to me like you can "save" your husband. It sounds like you have an image of him as salvageable that doesn't square with reality (hence your lawyer's sound advice). So offer him to God for God to do with as God wills (and just pray that your husband is open to the grace that will be his salvation and true turning point in life)

[/quote]

I agree. For things & people we can't change, the best thing we can do is pray for them and then turn them over to the Lord. He has plans for everyone and you just have to trust Him that His ways are better than ours. God may want some good coming out of a seemingly bad situation. We just can't see it with our limited human mind. But in all things pray & trust in the Lord for He is loving and faithful forever!


#18

I think these responses are accurate. Also I realized that the anniversary of our first meeting was this week, so it could have sparked some nostalgia.

Yes, I wanted someone to help take care of me and the baby. So this is a big disappointment.

On the better side, I can raise the baby without abuse neglect dishonesty.

He called me today and I spoke with him briefly but not about legal or personal matters. I realized (again) that he has no interest in providing a solid foundation or do any day-to-day busy work needed to raise a child or be in a marriage. Maybe this was a blessing from God to help me through the next few months of my pregnancy.

Thanks for your prayers.

~Lily


#19

I feel sorry on what your going through right now and I agree that it is not easy. You truly love that person and it hurts you so much because you're not getting the love that you need or maybe, expect from that person. I hope that you'll soon overcome this and move on with a happy life. Pray to God to help you get through this. God is always watching us and guiding us. Keeping you in my prayers.


#20

What a sad situation, may God send you His peace!

Beside mourning an ideal. Thi k we also mourn the time and energy and emotions that we invested only to see them go down the drain.

That's why we always have to set our hearts on God, for where our heart is, our treasure is also....


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