I often hear that we never choose to pray but it is always the Holy Spirit calling us to prayer and we respond to that. If this is the case, why when I need help and the Holy Spirit calls me to pray and I respond by praying does my prayer go unanswered, that seems silly. Also people say prayer is conversation with God but it always seems that I’m the only one conversing as I don’t get a reply or help so why would anyone continue with this? I’m getting the feeling that praying is just trying to avoid Hell but if God is going to withhold His help all your life then why would you want to be with Him in Heaven? People say He never abandons you but surely abandonment is better than being ignored by someone who is with you?
I’ve been to adoration more in the last coupe of months than the rest of my life combined but looking at it I feel less like visiting a friend and more like being in the presence of an ancient king who obviously wants to be adored but nothing more. I also pray to Mary for her intercession and don’t know whether she is also ignoring me or if she is carrying all my prayers and distress to God and He is ripping them up. Same goes for the angels and saints, what happens? I pray, God tells the saints I have prayed, the saints intercede by carrying my prayers to God and God says no; I does God tell the saints that I am asking for their intercession and God tell them not to bother because the answer is no again?
I have suffered for so many years, decades even and every year there is a new suffering piled on top. A month ago I was at a point where I fully realised I can do nothing without God and handed my whole life to Him but bow I am despondent and feel opposite. If all of this suffering is for my own good then something is clearly wrong.