I was abused badly as a kid and I"m still struggling and I wish I could break free. I'm almost 40 years old.
I was physically, verbally and endured "other" abuse by my father and my mother has mental illness and always belittled me and has never once told me that she loves me and is proud of me.
When I finished university (commerce degree), I was very proud of myself when I had a good job and I would talk about my new life a lot. My mother told me I was arrogant. Now I'm a mother, she picks at me as a parent during the (4 times a year that she sees me). She says that I should take the initiative to visit her and why should she visit me all the time. She lives an hour away and I have two young children. She hasn't invited me over for more than a year also. It's very hard for me to pick up and go with 2 small children. She says that it shouldn't be hard for me and that she went on a 5 hour bus trip with me and my brother when he was a newborn and I should be able to do it too.
When my son had colic, she came and helped me on two occassions for an afternoon and she didn't even come until he was 9 weeks old and had had the colic for 6 weeks already. She said that her back hurt, her throat hurt....
Then yesterday, she told me that the real reason she didn't come when my son had colic was b/c I put her down all the time. I can't even remember doing that. We had a disagreement or two (b/c I was so tired and grumpy), which is normal for a stressed out mother, but I never did anyting wrong.
My dad has NPD (Narcissistic Personality) and he's a real jerk. Nothing you do is right. He used to call me all kinds of names; horrible names. He used to beat me and my brothers and he also abused me in "other" ways. He's very charming in public and you would never guess if you met him. Sometimes I even start to think that maybe he's changed and then I see the ugly side of him when he talks to his wife.
I grew up with no self-esteem and even though I had no respect for myself, I still finished high school and got a commerce degree (paid for it myself - 2 jobs). I have always struggled to be something better. I'm a good mom and my husband and I have a good marriage...it's not perfect, but we're both happy and really love eachother. DH is also from a dysfunctional background, so we are not overly affectionate with eachother, but we understand eachother and we are both ok with it. It works for us. We are very loving parents and it's one area in our lives that we are functioning well as a family.
I just feel so lonely and down sometimes that I don't have a mother and a father figure like some of my friends do. I have no one to talk to about parenting and stuff a woman would normally talk to her mother about. I just feel so lonely a lot of the time.
When will I get over my horrible childhood? Will it haunt me for the rest of my life? Why does it still hurt so much when my mother acts aloof with me? Why does my mother's opinion of me still hurt me so much? Why can't I take the power away from her? I have had all kinds of counselling and the wounds from my childhood are still very deep. I just wish I could be free. I feel tainted b/c of what my father did to me. I feel like I'll never be "normal".