I’m a 25 year old man who honestly doesn’t know what the heck to do with his life. I studied to be a social studies teacher, barely passed my student teaching, and have been substitute teaching and working at a grocery store since i graduated 2 years ago. Anyway a year ago I was just getting ready to do the Totus Tuus program for my diocese which is basically a more in depth VBS type thing where i traveled teaching kids for 2 months and it also included a lot of prayer and discernment on my part.
Anyway at the end of the summer I felt strongly that I was going to get another teaching endorsement in special education and do that because it felt more like where I was supposed to be. I also felt that I wanted to do this because my vocation was to get married and if I wanted to get married I should try and do something to make more money so I could support my family and have a job. I was so excited for it from about November-December until around now. Don’t get me wrong, I still love it and would love to work with disabled kids, however I still feel like I just don’t care anymore.
It all started a few weeks ago at a retreat where for some reason during the middle of private adoration for some reason a voice cried out in my head saying “I want to be a priest”. Now don’t get me wrong Its not that I don’t want to or that I’m against it. Its just that my own vocational story is complicated because I thought that I would become a priest because I couldn’t get girls to like me and felt like I wasn’t worth being with which is not a reason to become a priest. Thankfully I shed that attitude over the past few years. However now i’m confused again because the idea of the priesthood has come back. My fear though is that I hope it’s not for the wrong reasons. It’s tough because now I want to be a priest because I think i’d be a good one and would love to be able to help people.
However I do have some reservations, such as that I don’t know if it feels right. I remember last year being at a church practicing for lector and I stood in front of the altar and I remember feeling like God was telling me “this isn’t for you”. But now it feels like things have changed somewhat. It feels like a game of vocational game of hide and seek. Why can’t God in a clear voice just tell me “Do this” and just leave it at that. Or is God even talking to me at all? Anymore i’m just confused. I love God and just want to do his will, so why won’t he tell me what it is? Or am I just being too greedy and selfish and should just let things play out?.