Why is it so hard to move on after a relationship ends?


#1

Well, I guess it’s more like a rhetorical question. A little background information. This girl and I were friends for 2 months, and then decided to try the relationship thing. It lasted 2 months, which had its ups and downs. It ended about 1 month ago. It’s just been really hard for me to let go. I don’t know why. She and I aren’t talking, but I still think about her quite a bit. I’m pretty sure that she still thinks about me, too, and I’m pretty sure that she still prays for me, as I am her. I think prayers are the only bond that’s still left between she and I, but it makes it that much harder for me to pray for her when I still have feelings for her.

I’ve tried to move on, but every new girl I meet, I compare the girl to her, and I’m afraid that I’m not giving the girls I meet a fair chance, but I can’t help it. In retrospect, I think I fell too hard too fast, but she makes falling for her very easy, since she’s a great girl.

Anyway, sorry if I’m rambling, just needed to get it off my chest. Thanks in advance for listening.


#2

You sound just like me, only it was a guy and I was so sure I’d never get over him. Every now and then I still wonder. He’s been gone for over a year now (he left the country. He was foreign) and I fell hard and fast. I really thought, finally, I’d met the one. Sigh. I don’t know what happened. Things were great and then one day, it just fell apart. He had a lot of issues to work through and declared one day he wasn’t the man for me and that was that. I hadn’t had a broken heart in years. :frowning:

In retrospect it was probably for the best. I am 9 years older, which didn’t seem to make a difference most times, he acted like a mature, sensible man at times, but sometimes he acted the age of most of his friends (early 20s) and it drove me nuts.

I tried dating last summer after he left. I cried so hard when I was chatting with one guy because HE wasn’t my ex. He was nothing like him, never would be, which was probably a good thing, but he wasn’t the one I wanted.

Your break up is fresh and it hurts. The thing is, who can say how long it will take you to get over her, and you may always have a soft spot for her, but some day you will. It’s so hard living through it, isn’t it? I wish I had really good advice for you. Prayer just might get you through it. I remember saying a novena to St. Theresa after we broke up, not to get him back, but to find some sort of peace and understanding with it all. It did help. Just the quiet time of reflection helped me.


#3

Hi

Wow! That’s a hard one. I have a bunch of thoughts.

First of all, although it won’t help, it seems EVERYBODY has gone through this at some stage in their life. Whether it be a crush or something more serious, I can’t help but remember that if your life is surrendered to God, then He has a perfect plan for you. And the perfect plan at the moment is for you not to be with this girl. At this moment.

I guess also that it reminds me of how much better it is to put time and effort into loving God. Wow - our God will never “break up” with us, and He’s constantly calling us and wants to be in love with us. It’s a 100% surety.

Finally, I’ll just say that if you are meant to marry and be with someone, when you know, you’ll know. I met my wife just two years ago at World Youth Day - I’m from Australia and she’s from the USA. We only had 1/2 an hour to talk before we lost track of each other amongst thousands. We bumped into each other again by fluke, exchanged details, started a long distance relationship. Married 1 year later and now we have a beatiful baby girl :slight_smile:

God bless, I’ll be praying for you as will a whole bunch of others reading your post,

Brendan


#4

LOL not laughing at you I promise :o I find myself in the same situation and you will find alot of us singles on CAF are going through the same thing, have a read here forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?p=2618928#post2618928

I find myself comparing also, however this guy was so wrong in so many ways, and some of the men I have met would be a better person for me but for some stupid reason I cant let go. PRAYER is the only thing that helps, it really does. I find I want my Will more than Gods and I know if I dont trust Him I will never be happy, so I am desperately truing to submit myself to God’s Will rather than mine, but it is not easy. :frowning:


#5

Thank you all for your kind words! Another reason I ask is because I feel that if I don’t get over her first, it wouldn’t be fair to the girls I will be dating. Some people say that the best way to get over one person is to date another. While that may be true, it’s really not fair to the other person, and I don’t want that to happen.

So it’s kind of the case with this other girl. She’s in a similar situation, as she just got out of a relationship, too. She and I are both upfront about it, so we decided to keep things light for a while, and see where it leads. She’s a great girl, too, and I want to make sure that I’ll be ready when and if things take off with this girl, though, but it hasn’t been easy.

Anyway, it’s probably a bit too early in the morning to be thinking about this. I’m gonna go get some work done, haha!

Thanks again!


#6

I love your maturity.

When you meet a great person, do you want to be wrapped up in thoughts and emotions of your ex relationship? Probably not. It does not make for great dinner date conversation.

Hearing sordid details about someone’s failed relationships is such a turn off.

Mourn the ending of a relationship and pray that you will be strengthened and healed. Give yourself time to become strong and happy with yourself. Only after that can you freely move on and be a joyous participant in a new relationship .


#7

Getting over is so hard sometimes. The hardest part of it is wanting to. When you want to get over someone, you can. You can even go date someone else the following day. But when you don’t want to get over the person, it’s going to drag. That’s why I’m going through at the moment, although with God’s help it’s moving on. I found the Divine Mercy Chaplet life-saving. I prayed it to the very moment of meeting the ex.


#8

It is not only letting go of the person you love. It is having to let go of all the plans, hopes, even fantasies you had about the future with that person. Even unconscious ones. It’s partly the same as why it’s so hard for parents to move on from the loss of a child, though that is on a much greater scale. It’s the letting go of our own investment, our own dreams, that can be the hardest part. I think that is most of the reason people stay in relationships they know are not right for them or healthy, because they can’t let go of their own investment.

It takes time, it’s painful, but it will happen. What sucks is having to live through having that part of you die slowly, without anesthesia. :frowning:


#9

Very true.


#10

Thanks, guys! It’s hard for me to forget her, because every time I pray, I say a prayer for her. I can’t not pray for her, you know, since she’s obviously praying for me. It’s not that I feel compelled to pray for her, but because I want to. It’s hard to explain. I guess instead of trying to forget her, I just need to come to terms with it, and ultimately accept that. Eventually, I need to see her only as a sister in Christ. But boy, is that hard!


#11

I have absolutely no idea what “2 months as friends and 2 more months trying the relationship thing” means, and am afraid to ask, but I cannot believe 4 months is enough time to even begin to get to know someone on a level deep enough to have made such an emotional investment. If by “relationship” that means mutual activities which properly belong in marriage, then I can well believe there is a lot of pain loss and grieving, because that is how it works and that is how it is meant to work, which is why it is so dangerous and damaging outside commited marriage. In either case, recognize that grief and loss do go through stages and do take time.

Just based on observations of my own kids and the volume of young folks I work with, there seems to be a tendency to invest way, way too much pseudo-commitment, emotional involvement, possessiveness, without even mentioning premature physical expression, in relationships that are not even intended to explore the possibility of marriage. Frankly I am not surprised at all at the high rates of suicide and other damaging emotional behaviors among young people, and directly attribute this to lack of ability and knowledge in the whole area of mature healthy relationships, including friendship, in general.

I don’t mean any of this in ref to OP except a general expression of sympathy.

I know that old expression “can’t we just be friends” is a cliche, but maybe it is worth dropping back to punt, and just exploring friendship without deeper claims.


#12

Hi puzzleannie! You know, you’re absolutely right. I can’t explain it. Well, it was long-distance, so maybe that had something to do with it.

Speaking of which, my parents dated for only 3 months before they got engaged, or is it married, I forget which. They were 30 and 33 at the time, and it was long-distance, too. They’ve been married for over 30 years now.

Anyway, I don’t know what I’m talking about. I really should stop talking about it. Isn’t very conducive to moving on, haha!

Tried that, didn’t work out so well, unfortunately.

Just thought of something. I hope none of the girls I mentioned visit these boards, or I’d be in big trouble!


#13

do any of us really “know what we are talking about” when it comes to romance? if we did, would there be so many songs, books, operas, movies and plays about people getting messed up with romance?


#14

Oh man do I know this subject… Five months ago the person who I thought for sure would be the one for me decided to end our relationship. We had talked seriously about marriage. I’m at the point where the person I have a relationship with has to be someone whom I can see marrying. I had always said that I wanted to wait until after I was finished law school to get married, but the truth is I would have been willing to not wait, because I knew God would provide for both of us. Between the age difference (we were 20 and 18, he was a college freshman…turns out 2 years was a bigger difference than either of us thought), his pledging for a fraternity, and different issues that had affected our lives, our relationship just didn’t make it. In some ways, it’s a good thing. We’re both at completely different stages in life right now. I’ve prayed everyday for him, and for us, because despite the fact that our relationship didn’t work out, I do think we were very good together, and I want us to both be happy and find the person we’re meant to find.

I think it took weeks to be able to look at what we had, and look at our breakup without crying. I had a lot of anger and bitterness towards him, his fraternity, and even myself. I thought that if somehow things had been different, maybe we wouldn’t have been driven apart. I couldn’t understand how somebody who I loved (and still do love) so much, and who said they felt the same about me, could just end our relationship. One of the greatest lessons I learned from that though, is that you have to be able to forgive. Forgive the person for hurting you, and forgive yourself for anything you did wrong. It’s a hard thing to do, especially when everyone else around you says that you just have to “get over it,” but I’ve found that through prayer and sacrifice, somehow we can find the strength to forgive, move on, and learn to hope with joy for the plans God has for us. I believe no prayer is said in vain, and I believe that God hears them all, and I definitely believe that if we persevere in prayer, we will find exactly what we need. Keep praying for her and for yourself. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers as well.


#15

[quote="catechumen08, post:10, topic:83128"]
Thanks, guys! It's hard for me to forget her, because every time I pray, I say a prayer for her. I can't not pray for her, you know, since she's obviously praying for me. It's not that I feel compelled to pray for her, but because I want to. It's hard to explain. I guess instead of trying to forget her, I just need to come to terms with it, and ultimately accept that. Eventually, I need to see her only as a sister in Christ. But boy, is that hard!

[/quote]

Something needs to go away i dont what may be i am cheating on my myself...........


#16

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