Oh, this world is sex crazed. I could go out and do things but I don’t think they’ll lead to happiness. What gets to me is that the way I perceive it, Church says sex is very good but only in marriage with the openness to life. So if a couple lust after each other, that’s bad. If they take contraceptives, that’s a no too. Outside of marriage? That’s a huge no. I experience SSA, and I can understand why gay sex is wrong, parts don’t line up at all. Still have all these feelings though which gets me confused.
I just don’t get how this act can be so good when used in that one way but every other way it’s destructive? I feel like it’s one of the worse things someone can do yet people do it daily. Hookups, living together before marriage, never getting married, etc. I wonder how one stays chaste in this culture. I feel like the way I was raised, the message I got from my parents is “Sex is bad”. So… What did I do? Tried to suppress any desire I have. Ended up getting into gay porn as a teen yet in daily life I would shut all of that down, separating it.
I just feel like all that suppression has messed me up. Don’t most people figure all of this out in the teens? I feel like I didn’t get that chance. Is sexual desire ok? It’s ok to be sexually attracted to someone? What am I supposed to feel towards someone? Maybe I’m being scrupulous here. Been battling with porn addiction, made it past 2 weeks so far. I was able to go almost 3 months last year and I just felt asexual. I have romantic feelings, I guess towards both sexes, primarily focused on women lately. I imagine cuddling up and kissing someone, is that bad to fantasize about? I guess main physical attraction I feel is towards someone’s face.
I feel frustrated, and seeing people around me go and do all these sexual acts doesn’t help. Glad I’m getting involved in a good Catholic community, need some type of support. Wish I knew what a healthy sexuality looked like. Feel like porn and suppression stoled that from me. I have this resounding question in my head of “What am I supposed to feel?”. Well going to keep trying to end this porn addiction and see if anything takes off from there. I wish some of these things would be clarified.