Why is sex so wrong except in one scenario?

Oh, this world is sex crazed. I could go out and do things but I don’t think they’ll lead to happiness. What gets to me is that the way I perceive it, Church says sex is very good but only in marriage with the openness to life. So if a couple lust after each other, that’s bad. If they take contraceptives, that’s a no too. Outside of marriage? That’s a huge no. I experience SSA, and I can understand why gay sex is wrong, parts don’t line up at all. Still have all these feelings though which gets me confused.

I just don’t get how this act can be so good when used in that one way but every other way it’s destructive? I feel like it’s one of the worse things someone can do yet people do it daily. Hookups, living together before marriage, never getting married, etc. I wonder how one stays chaste in this culture. I feel like the way I was raised, the message I got from my parents is “Sex is bad”. So… What did I do? Tried to suppress any desire I have. Ended up getting into gay porn as a teen yet in daily life I would shut all of that down, separating it.

I just feel like all that suppression has messed me up. Don’t most people figure all of this out in the teens? I feel like I didn’t get that chance. Is sexual desire ok? It’s ok to be sexually attracted to someone? What am I supposed to feel towards someone? Maybe I’m being scrupulous here. Been battling with porn addiction, made it past 2 weeks so far. I was able to go almost 3 months last year and I just felt asexual. I have romantic feelings, I guess towards both sexes, primarily focused on women lately. I imagine cuddling up and kissing someone, is that bad to fantasize about? I guess main physical attraction I feel is towards someone’s face.

I feel frustrated, and seeing people around me go and do all these sexual acts doesn’t help. Glad I’m getting involved in a good Catholic community, need some type of support. Wish I knew what a healthy sexuality looked like. Feel like porn and suppression stoled that from me. I have this resounding question in my head of “What am I supposed to feel?”. Well going to keep trying to end this porn addiction and see if anything takes off from there. I wish some of these things would be clarified.


Because the Holy Mother Church teaches it, and we are solemnly bound to believe it.

Because Jesus Christ instituted the holy sacrament of matrimony for this very purpose.

Because anything else is a damaging perversion of the truth, and can lead souls to hell.


Join the club of outcasts. What I mean by that is that anyone who doesn’t fit into the contemporary sexual box is going to feel like they are left out, but most of all, confused about how to reconcile what they see around them with what’s in their heart.

I think what is largely responsible for the gulf between healthy sexual behavior, and today’s contemporary sexual behavior is simply the technology that makes the latter cease to be obviously dangerous to the general population. The danger is still there, and the healthiest relationships will still be the ones that thrive.

Just remember that junk food isn’t healthy no matter how much it’s producers claim that it’s “healthier” than it was before.

1 Like

Forgive me if I’m wrong…and will stand corrected…but as Catholics we are to believe that sex…(in marriage)…while it can be for pleasure…must primarily be open to procreation…I don’t know if all Protestants hold the same views on sex in marriage…with the use of contraception it’s pretty obvious that many Christians of different denominations…including Catholics…don’t hold to the view that procreation is the primary reason for sex.

Maybe you should talk to your priest.

Because chastity is integral to the person, in all states of life. Focusing on the virtue of chasity is much different than focusing on “not having sex”.

Yes, to recognize that certain features of the opposite sex are attractive is not sinful. What is sinful is to go through the mental “disrobing” to indulge lustful thoughts. On this front, I’d say “look at each person as their whole, not their parts.”

The natural end of sex is procreation. To act in a way contrary to that is gravely disordered. To have thoughts contrary to that is not. You should still work toward purifying your thoughts as our thoughts influence our actions, but you’re not abnormal at all for enduring confusing thoughts on the matter.

I’d suggest listening to Trent Horn’s podcast on this matter. He lays out the ground rules for the conjugal act very plainly.

As far as I know I think most other denominations have fallen and allowed for contraceptives. Church teaches Natural Family Planning, NFP. The way someone described it to me was you’re simply abstaining from sex. So when you’re ready to have a child you do it within the fertile window. I still think mindset is wrong though because people take contraceptives to prevent a child and isn’t this the same thing but in a different way?

So does chastity entail suppressing every sexual desire and attraction I have?? I know if I linger on certain thoughts thing can go down that road but I try to real that in and bring myself back to reality.

I can only answer you in this way; my wife and I were both virgins when we married. This has meant tremendous happiness and security in knowing we have never shared that most intimate of experiences with a single other person. Saving ourselves for one another, even though we didn’t meet until our 20’s, is the greatest gift a spouse can give.


Give yourself a few more weeks off porn and you may start to understand church teaching more.

1 Like

This isn’t much consolation for someone with Same-Sex Attraction since they can’t save themselves for anyone.

1 Like

I still have feelings towards women though. Just because one has SSA doesn’t mean there isn’t attraction towards opposite sex. Even thinking about marriage though it seems a lot of people have already messed up. Though I guess if I stay within Catholic circles finding a virgin spouse would be much more likely.

No, the virtue of chastity focuses on integrating the gift of sexuality into our whole person in appropriate ways. It is about subordinating sexual feelings and temptations to love and respect, also virtues.

Integrating all the virtues into our lives is important, starting with the theological virtues and then moving to the cardinal virtues, from which the virtue of chastity flows.

“Chastity is not about repression of sexual feelings and temptations but the integration of the gift. Repression does not effectively address sexual feelings and temptations, but merely tries to deny them. If repressed, it is likely that these desires will eventually manifest themselves in a disordered way”
Hmmm… I wonder if that happened to me.

Perhaps not, but I felt I ought to say something to the OP.

Contraceptives are you actively frustrating the natural procreative process. You are corrupting the natural purpose of the sexual faculty. Ends do not justify means for Catholics. Just because someone is going to die some day, does not justify me killing them right now (same end, different means). Just because sex during an infertile period has an extremely low probability of conceiving, does not mean it’s okay to intentionally prevent conception of a child.

It sames to me that you have lust issues and the good news is that you want to stop these feelings and be kinda normal and be happy with an opposite sex partner, this shows God is working in you, but be patient day by day brother and if you allow God to work in you, it will all work out for the best and for your salvation.
I believe we can give glory to God in our struggles by over coming them for his Glory.
I hope you can find a girl to love and have a family with, because that is what a healthy sexuality is. may Mary and Joseph bless you and guide you.

1 Like

But are you not intentionally preventing a child by having sex during an infertile period?

The Catholic Faith upholds the ideal, but is also understanding towards human weakness. At least, that is the Catholic Church at its best, when it follows Christ’s example.

When Jesus confronted outcasts who severely struggled with sin, he didn’t lower the bar. Rather, he moved the conversation into a very different direction — pastoral care and compassion, rather than legalism and condemnation.

The world is messy, and our sexual desires are all over the place. This doesn’t mean we lower the ideal standard. But it does probably mean that our sins are often lessened in personal culpability. Some Christians confuse the two — moral responsibility and sin. And because they see people who legitimately struggle, they get rid of the sin aspect altogether. But that is the wrong approach.

But the opposite extreme can happen. Whereas some progressive Christians get rid of the notion of sin, some other Christians, even Catholics, try to exalt sin over personal culpability. This greatly affects the conversation regarding pastoral care. Note the great fuss in the modern Catholic Church over who can and cannot receive communion, for example. One side wants to take personal details into account. The other side focuses on the objective sin. In my opinion, this latter position is not a good approach.

We need a balance. I’m a fan of Pope Francis’ approach, and I think it more closely aligns with the Jesus model I mentioned above.

I think where the Catholic Faith IS at fault is when we exaggerate these sins as worse than all the rest. It’s not hard to see how the cultural climate say, in America, has led LGBT people to see themselves as outcasts in the Church, for example.


Lol sure. Lol

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.