First, let me be clear that this isn’t a personal question. I have no kids and am menopausal. But I was just reading the responses on the “why have children” thread and most talked about providing love to kids and what a blessing kids are. I’m not questioning this but I always wonder about all the kids who need homes. What about love for/from them? Personally, I find it somewhat selfish to have kids when so many need homes. I’m not attacking anyone and I’m not saying some kids don’t get adopted, but so many are mixed race, the “wrong” race, too old, etc., and so they grow up without that love and feeling of worth folks are talking about. No wonder so many end up on jail or dead. Why not adopt?
1.) Because the Church teaches that marriage must be open to life. It is not merely that there are children who need homes. It is the procreative and unitive force of God through marriage that expounds God’s love in marriage correctly, thereby usually resulting in children as a gift from God.
2.) Yes, for whatever reason He has, God allows people who are not married, even people who are not in love or who were raped, to create life. Aside from rape in western countries, it is generally (though not always) a lack of control on the part of two people. Contraception doesn’t seem to keep things in line.
Some persons who find themselves single parents are devoted to their children, and will make any sacrifice for them. Some people, even those who are married, think they want a child for whatever reason, then find out it’s not all fun and games they thought it would be. Those children in the latter group sometimes end up in foster care, and need homes. Too often, these children end up simply neglected.
However, babies who are placed for adoption often end up in very good homes, two-parent families, too often at a great cost to their adoptive parents. Not too many people place babies for adoption these days. These babies are a sort of commodity, no matter the laws about “selling” them.
The younger the child, the more desperate the adopting parents, the more chance of an adoption, no matter the race of the baby or parents. People are reluctant to take on older children because the children do come with emotional baggage- baggage that prospective parents fear they cannot mend.
3.) Adoption and birth within marriage are **not **mutually exclusive. One is certainly free to do both.
However, there are impediments and conditions to adoption, depending on the country from where one adopts.
It can be quite expensive to adopt, not always in money, also but in time and work required to adopt. As someone who has adopted, I can state that it is relatively easy to complete a related adoption (an adoption where the children are related within a certain degree of kinship to the adoptive parents), but that takes anywhere from 9 months to a year. Adoptions in this country can take years, and range from open in some states, which involves allowing one or both of the biological parents limited access to the adoptive child,even if the biologial parent is unfit to parent in some instanes; to closed adoptions, which have such hoops as age of the adoptive parents, condition of the home, money in the bank, credit rating, number of children in the home, etc. Adoptions in foreign countries require a lot of the same thing, plus travel expenses and adoption expenses related to the particular country, THEN expenses in the country of origin of the adoptive parents.
So, to simply expect that people adopt before having their own biological children is not only contrary to God’s plan as seen through the eyes of the Church in an ideal, but daunting and even impossible for some people to contract.
My husband and I are trying to adopt. We previously were foster parents hoping to adopt through the foster care system but upon moving and having the option to start all over again, have opted to try to adopt an infant through a private agency. Why?
Quite frankly, most of the children who are available to adopt through foster care require resources that are not available in our home. The foster care system is so convoluted and many of its workers so inept that I would rather have an IRS audit and a root canal with no anesthetic on the same day rather than having to work with them again.
Where I currently live, several children have died at the hand of their foster parents or as a result of the syste. Also, in today’s paper it was posted that the auditors have determined that most of the workers are not following up as they should be on foster care children. When this was the case in our home, I was told that the workers did not have enough time to do so. Of course in any other sort of job, one works until one’s responsibilities are complete or expects to be unemployed.
The way the system works is to give dangerous people as many opportunities and government assistance as possible while trying to “fix” their parental deficiencies while letting children languish in unsafe, unsuitable, and unhealthy homes. Not surprisingly, once the government is convinced that the abusers are not going to be rehabilitated, most of the children who have lived periodically in and out of that environment are behaviorally and socially troubled.
It is unfortunate that this is the situation in which these poor, innocent, children find themselves, and I bless and praise any person who is willing to tolerate the nonsense that foster care puts people through in order to help these kids. But, I know I am not strong enough to do.
Swan - let me start by saying I am adopted and DH & I are starting the process of adoption. So I am very pro adoption
Although, with that said, I don’t believe that everyone should go out and adopt a child. It is sad, and I don’t agree with it, although some people have this false belief that “blood” is a strong connection between a parent and a child. I don’t want these people to adopt, well at least until they get over that issue.
We are open to transracial adoption. Although transracial adoption is not for the faint at heart Our society (even some within our Church) people are racist. When you go to the grocery store, church, the park, where ever, as a biracial family, you will be stared at, you will be asked personal and direct questions, you will hear whispers of racist comments, you will see head shakes and disapproving looks. All of this your child will also see and will have to grow up with. A transracial family needs to educate themselves and their children (those from a different race and those who are not) on what to expect and how to handle racism. Not everyone can handle this. Not everyone will know what to do or say when confronted by disapproving people. Some people also have racists in their family. It is not easy to break up your family in order to expand your family. It is easy to say that people should be blind to color and it shouldn’t be an issue in raising a child. Although, it is a FACT of our society. And if you adopt a child from another race it is something that you will see and experience. And you will have to teach your children.
As far as other countries. Yes we know there are many countries with orphanages that are packed to the gills. Although, we (as a country and Christians) have to insure that these countries and adoption agencies are being ethical in their adoption practices. There are a few countries that have been “caught” paying parents to place their children for adoption, because the country collects more in adoption fees. It is also sad when countries limit the number of children a family can have, thus forcing people to abandon their children. We should do more to encourage these countries to change their laws on allowing people to parent their children rather than limiting the number they can have.
I can understand your frustration. I to have it, although mine is more when I hear about people doing extensive fertility treatments such as IVF.
I also do not like sperm or embryo adoptions. I personally don’t feel that these people get that parenting is about nurturing not just about being pregnant and having a child.
I also don’t believe that it should be assumed that just because a couple adopts a caucasian child that they only “signed” up for a caucasian child. I know from the adoption boards I have been on, there are many people that have been open to any race and were chosen for a caucasian child.
From someone that suffers from unknown infertility, I find it hard that (trying to find a nice way to phrase this), I might not be able to adopt a child when someone who has multiple children does. I struggle with this one. In my head I cry that it is unfair that a couple who is still able to conceive a children choose to adopt when there are so many infertile couples waiting to adopt a child. Although, I know from talking to many of them that they felt called to adopt, who am I to question their calling.
DH & I are also open to adopting older children. Although, DH has no children and has never experienced an infant. In many ways I think that having the opportunity to experience infancy with a child educates you on how to be a parent long into their older years. So yes our first child we pray will be an infant. Although, we will look into adopting older children later.
Lastly, adoption is not for everyone. Not even marriage or having children is for everyone. No one should feel pressured into feeling they should adopt. If someone is considering adoption, they should Pray and let God lead them to what is best for their family.
Or you could do both like we did.
It never occurred to me in that previous thread that the entry into the family mattered.
the question was why have children in general, not why give birth.
to me, adopting is “having children”.
and many people do adopt
many more are turned down for stupid reasons while those that should be are not (same sex couples for example)
and I agree a person and should do both if they feel so led
we might when ours are grown
we do not qualify in our present circumstances
namely: we already have more than 2 and do not have the desired income
:yup: :newidea: :love: Yup! Works for us!