Why should I stop having premarital sex?


#1

I was raised Roman Catholic and throughout my childhood and high school years I didn’t have any major issues with keeping my faith. But towards the end of high school I just sort of “fell out” of it entirely. I had difficulty praying, difficulty feeling anything.

A few months later I met my boyfriend who I am currently dating. We started having sex only a few weeks to a month into our relationship. We are each other’s only partners. Sex has been a part of our relationship throughout the entire time. We’ve been dating for 16 months and for the past 8 months we’ve been in a long distance relationship, we don’t have sex every time we see each other. It probably happens about once every other month.

The odd thing about this is that I’ve been very happy. I felt like my more religious life in my younger years was out of blind foolish trust in what everyone (my parents, catholic school teachers, priests, youth ministers) told me. I, myself, didn’t strongly believe it. And I didn’t realize that until I was faced with the contradiction.

If by some word of advice or realization, I am convinced that premarital sex is wrong, how do I go about stopping it? It will probably take a lot of self control. How would I go about bringing this up with my boyfriend?

This is kind of a “cry-out” of some sort. I’m 19 and I still believe in God. But I don’t know who He is. Or what He wants from me. Or the nature of God. And I don’t understand how anyone can know that. I’ve talked to agnostic friends who really could only support the issues that the Roman Catholic church disagrees with. So now I’m asking those of you that may have a stronger faith than I do, please help me understand.


#2

Well first, maybe I could elaborate on why the church believes that pre-marital sex is a mortal sin:

1) Human law provides the minimum standard for humans to live by. In other words, what is the most that humans can get away with without destroying themselves? God's law is exactly the opposite. God holds us to the highest standard possible. In other words, what behavior would be needed in order to achieve an absolute perfect society? We don't change God's law to suit us because we fall short. We don't even change God's law because it's impossible for humans to achieve. Instead, we adapt because we should always be striving for the ideal. With that stated, what kind of behavior do you think God would expect of unmarried couples?

2) Moral behavior also requires that we have the highest respect for human life possible. As such, we should never do harm, short of self-defense. Pre-marital sex, no matter how careful, always has a risk of pregnancy. This could lead the mother to another mortal sin through abortion. The couple is also putting a potential human life's entire future at risk by not being prepared to accept the responsibility to raise it or be prepared to do so in advance. It might have to grow up in a single parent or unstable household, finances would not have been prepared, and so on. The fact that a couple could potentially put an innocent life at risk is the highest form of selfishness and is completely irresponsible.

3) Despite years of scientific study and philosophical debate, no one knows precisely when the soul enters the human body and human life begins. As such, Catholics are required to take the safest route and assume the most conservative answer, which is that life begins at the moment of conception. Birth control can cause the failure of a fertilized egg to implant, thus causing an abortion. Someone could be the unknowing partner to unintentional murder. Some might also choose to use the morning after pill, which does essentially the same thing, but on purpose.

4) Pre-marital sex always presents the possibility of sexually transmitted disease. It would be a grave sin to infect someone with a dangerous disease, and some diseases, like HIV, can be transmitted even through condoms. People might not even know they have them. HPV has no symptoms, and yet can cause cervical cancer. How many times have people believed themselves to be in a monogamous relationship, only to discover that their partner is cheating? Over 50% of the population has been cheated on at some point. How many had suspicions beforehand?

5) Promiscuity leads to more promiscuity. By sleeping around, it decreases the special bond that one has when they are exclusive with a single partner. They want to explore the lustful side of sexuality more, unimpeded by feelings. It increases the possibility of cheating during marriage, and has helped to contribute to our skyrocketing divorce rate. Why get married when I can just sleep with someone and move on? People get obsessed with the initial sexual attraction, and never move on to the more intimate phases of relationships. When the fireworks stop, they simply dump their lover, find someone new, and recapture the feeling again. You always hear in the movies about "fear of commitment". Well, a LOT of this is due to the fact that people think they have a good thing going. Why would they want to limit their sexual fun by committing permanently to someone?

6) During pre-marital sex, one is treating the partner like an object of pleasure, rather than an object of love. (This can occur EVEN INSIDE OF A MARRIAGE, by the way...) Rather than using sex for its wondrous purpose, which is a special unity that offers the possibility for the creation of life, we detach from that purpose, and use it solely for pleasure. To be sure, sex is pleasurable and provides fun and great intimacy for couples, but it is meant to be a unique bond that strengthens the family unit, rather than fracturing it through promiscuity. By giving into lust, a couple is exploiting each other for selfish purposes, even if the bond of love is there. The minute that sex becomes just about fun, the couple begins to test those boundaries to see how much fun one can have. These boundaries are difficult to resist, and one can find themselves in trouble very fast. Even inside a marriage, when you are not open to life, you are taking one of the most special gifts of God, which is actually being allowed to participate in the process of creation, and rejecting it as if it is worthless.

So, why is pre-marital sex bad? It could lead to abortion, it could lead to the creation of a child with a family completely unprepared to raise it, it can transmit disease, it is selfish, it weakens the family, it provides a mentality for divorce and lack of commitment, it is exploitative, and is the misuse of a hugely unique gift from God. Does that help?


#3

I started having sex at the age of 14.

I had a boyfriend who was older and we had sex for years.

Then I broke up with him because sex was so dang important to him, almost to the point of forcing me to have sex.

I met a wonderful guy, we started having sex and before I knew it, we were over. Then I started just having affairs for years, during my college years, etc. I've had 10 partners.

Luckily, my last partner is my husband now and we've been married for 13 years.

Now, I give you all of this to only say now ... as a convert and as one that wasn't really raised with the sense the premarital sex was not allowed, etc ... that I deeply, deeply regret my actions.

I'll probably post more later ... but I really, really think you should talk to your boyfriend. If he's willing to give up the sex and see how the relationship goes, then he's a KEEPER!!! :thumbsup: You both can work through this together, you can stop and make sex more meaningful when you get married. Something else you must consider and talk about is openness to life. I am assuming that you use contraception since you've been together for 16 months and you do not mention pregnancy. I can tell you ... being open to life is very important in a marriage. Because I caved a year before my conversion, I got a tubal and it has affected me personally very hard! My husband was never open to life.

Anyway...I will pray for you. I pray that you do not receive harsh or ugly posts to your question and concerns, as I really think you could use very wise guidance rather than condemning words right now.

God bless...Dana


#4

First of all, what is sex for anyway? I think you have to look at that before you go into any justifications of why you should or shouldn't.

God tells us that a man and a woman should bond together and have children. He gave us sex for that purpose. To bond us together as husband and wife and to create children. Sex has always been seen in that context, up until we invented artificial birth control. Sure having sex feels good. It is supposed to, so that we will continue to bond together ever deeper over time, and create children. But then artificial birth control severed the relationship between sex and children. It wasn't long until sex was seen as an end unto itself, without the bonding and without any responsibility. Even animals have more responsibility and many of them mate for life. It's disgusting and violates everything God tells us in His Word.

One of the problems is that the bonding that is supposed to happen in a marriage that is a covenant before God, still happens through sex, but there is no commitment. So people get emotionally damaged because their brains and bodies and spirits have been united with someone who has no intention of staying with them, and the break-ups are shattering. Then you take that baggage along with you into your next relationship until each person is hauling 10 or more people with them every time they meet someone new to have sexual pleasure with, or even if they stop having sex, those scars are still there.

Another problem is that no form of artificial birth control is 100% effective. I just heard from Abby Johnson, the former director of the Planned Parenthood in Bryan Texas, that she was using contraception and got pregnant TWICE, aborting the child both times. So if you think it can't happen to you, think again. In some cases you might not even know that you are pregnant but the birth control causes an early abortion. People who use ABC and think they are immune to pregnancy are very likely to be abortion-minded because it's seen as a problem they thought they had solved.

You have taken your wedding night of discovery and joy, and depleted yourself of that. It is a shame that you didn't wait. I hope that you and your boyfriend will stop having sex and will hold yourself to a higher standard until and unless you get married.

I forgot the most important thing! SELF RESPECT = respect from others. If you start with not respecting yourself by desecrating sexual relationship in this way, even if your current boyfriend marries you, I can pretty much guarantee that he will not respect you in the same way he would have if you had kept yourself pure. And that is not reversible, if you take vows on that basis, the foundation will need to be rebuilt completely. In my case I regret that I was not pure, my husband may not regret his own sexual past but I am convinced it has affected our relationship in a very deep way. I know he would have respected me more and I would have respected myself more had we not had premarital sex.


#5

Thank you. This post really helped me. Probably because you can relate this to your own experiences. I do love my boyfriend. And I do want to be with him for the rest of my life. If we were older, more financially stable, and have been together longer, I would feel ready to marry him/get engaged today.

And I know, the almost automatic response is…then why did you have sex when you were young, not financially stable, and together for such a short amount of time? I have felt and will probably still feel very odd about that regardless of religious affiliation. I don’t like the idea of having more than one sex partner in a lifetime. And I know, whether or not I take back my faith, that if my boyfriend and I break up, I won’t have sex again until I am married. I do think that having sex with my boyfriend to begin with was a mistake. Not because I don’t enjoy it or I love him any less, but because its so dangerous. Whether I’m religious or not, its dangerous psychologically, emotionally, physically, and because of potential pregnancy.

I want to stop having sex. But I’m afraid to. I’m not afraid my boyfriend will leave me, if he does then he’s not the one I should be with anyway. I’m afraid of the change. I’ve never been with him and NOT had sex. I don’t know what that’s like. If its extremely hard to do, if its frustrating or if it will change a lot in our relationship.


#6

[quote="Gash, post:5, topic:225969"]
Thank you. This post really helped me. Probably because you can relate this to your own experiences. I do love my boyfriend. And I do want to be with him for the rest of my life. If we were older, more financially stable, and have been together longer, I would feel ready to marry him/get engaged today.

And I know, the almost automatic response is...then why did you have sex when you were young, not financially stable, and together for such a short amount of time? I have felt and will probably still feel very odd about that regardless of religious affiliation. I don't like the idea of having more than one sex partner in a lifetime. And I know, whether or not I take back my faith, that if my boyfriend and I break up, I won't have sex again until I am married. I do think that having sex with my boyfriend to begin with was a mistake. Not because I don't enjoy it or I love him any less, but because its so dangerous. Whether I'm religious or not, its dangerous psychologically, emotionally, physically, and because of potential pregnancy.

I want to stop having sex. But I'm afraid to. I'm not afraid my boyfriend will leave me, if he does then he's not the one I should be with anyway. I'm afraid of the change. I've never been with him and NOT had sex. I don't know what that's like. If its extremely hard to do, if its frustrating or if it will change a lot in our relationship.

[/quote]

I wonder if being apart, as you are now, is really helping you in this area. You may have realized that sex is only, really, a small part of a relationship. There is so, so much more to worry about.

Do not be afraid to talk to him. Really. I promise, you can live without him if he doesn't understand you wanting to wait until marriage now for sex. My boyfriend, that I started having sex with at the age of 14 .... well, we had a pregnancy scare. My mother looks in my eyes and told me "If you are pregnant, you WILL get an abortion" OMG! I can not imagine my life if that had happened!

My husband now ... we actually were so busy in building our home, jobs and preparing for our wedding that we went without sex for about eight months! About four months before the wedding, I asked him about waiting until that night .. he was game .. and it was wonderful that night. I sometimes think about just how wonderful it may have been if I had been a virgin.

It's not too late.

Be not afraid.

Want to add: I know that you love him!

Dana


#7

[quote="Rolltide, post:2, topic:225969"]

6) During pre-marital sex, one is treating the partner like an object of pleasure, rather than an object of love. (This can occur EVEN INSIDE OF A MARRIAGE, by the way...) Rather than using sex for its wondrous purpose, which is a special unity that offers the possibility for the creation of life, we detach from that purpose, and use it solely for pleasure. To be sure, sex is pleasurable and provides fun and great intimacy for couples, but it is meant to be a unique bond that strengthens the family unit, rather than fracturing it through promiscuity. By giving into lust, a couple is exploiting each other for selfish purposes, even if the bond of love is there. The minute that sex becomes just about fun, the couple begins to test those boundaries to see how much fun one can have. These boundaries are difficult to resist, and one can find themselves in trouble very fast. Even inside a marriage, when you are not open to life, you are taking one of the most special gifts of God, which is actually being allowed to participate in the process of creation, and rejecting it as if it is worthless.

So, why is pre-marital sex bad? It could lead to abortion, it could lead to the creation of a child with a family completely unprepared to raise it, it can transmit disease, it is selfish, it weakens the family, it provides a mentality for divorce and lack of commitment, it is exploitative, and is the misuse of a hugely unique gift from God. Does that help?

[/quote]

Your whole post should be made into a sticky somewhere. But this last part is one I can certify. Over the last maybe 10 years I have struggled with this very issue in my marriage. I was promiscuous before I met my husband, really I was looking for love through sex, as so many of my generation did (we were lied to from all quarters that sex was just for fun and pleasure). When we met we had sex soon afterward. All this was purely for pleasure. We did eventually marry, but we still hadn't returned to the Church. When I returned, he did not.

So the foundation of our relationship has never been that sex is holy and meant for creation of life. He cannot understand my deep sadness and regret for the way I have been and the way we began our relationship and marriage, I don't think he will ever see things that way (barring a miracle). Since our sexual practices were not instituted with openness to life in mind, I now sin on a regular basis because he does not agree with Church teaching, and I fear for my soul. My husband also does not see pre-marital sex as sin, he sees it as a practical issue only: although he supports abstinence, he has told our son that condoms are a back-up plan. He sees abstinence as pregnancy and disease avoidance only, not for the sacred quality of sexual relationships. For people our age, when you start talking of sex in those terms you can see people edging away from you. It's like you suddenly started talking in Martian or something. "Sex? Holy? Yeah, right, SEE YA!"

It is a huge MESS and one I wish that I could have avoided.

These issues are serious and life-changing. Some of the decisions people make will never be undone, and have very far-reaching consequences. Even without an unexpected pregnancy, or a sexually transmitted disease, NO ONE gets away unscathed. NO ONE.


#8

[quote="Gash, post:5, topic:225969"]

I want to stop having sex. But I'm afraid to. I'm not afraid my boyfriend will leave me, if he does then he's not the one I should be with anyway. I'm afraid of the change. I've never been with him and NOT had sex. I don't know what that's like. If its extremely hard to do, if its frustrating or if it will change a lot in our relationship.

[/quote]

I'm sure it is hard and will pray for you situation. :)

Think of it's this way. If your bf can't be with you without sex, then he does not love you. He loves the sex and you are his object. If he agrees that it's better to stop and wait and develop your relationship, then he's probably a respectable guy.

God has someone special planned for you. It may be your current bf or not. But please, don't be afraid to leave him for something better God has in store for you. :)


#9

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:4, topic:225969"]
First of all, what is sex for anyway? I think you have to look at that before you go into any justifications of why you should or shouldn't.

God tells us that a man and a woman should bond together and have children. He gave us sex for that purpose. To bond us together as husband and wife and to create children. Sex has always been seen in that context, up until we invented artificial birth control. Sure having sex feels good. It is supposed to, so that we will continue to bond together ever deeper over time, and create children. But then artificial birth control severed the relationship between sex and children. It wasn't long until sex was seen as an end unto itself, without the bonding and without any responsibility. Even animals have more responsibility and many of them mate for life. It's disgusting and violates everything God tells us in His Word.

One of the problems is that the bonding that is supposed to happen in a marriage that is a covenant before God, still happens through sex, but there is no commitment. So people get emotionally damaged because their brains and bodies and spirits have been united with someone who has no intention of staying with them, and the break-ups are shattering. Then you take that baggage along with you into your next relationship until each person is hauling 10 or more people with them every time they meet someone new to have sexual pleasure with, or even if they stop having sex, those scars are still there.

Another problem is that no form of artificial birth control is 100% effective. I just heard from Abby Johnson, the former director of the Planned Parenthood in Bryan Texas, that she was using contraception and got pregnant TWICE, aborting the child both times. So if you think it can't happen to you, think again. In some cases you might not even know that you are pregnant but the birth control causes an early abortion. People who use ABC and think they are immune to pregnancy are very likely to be abortion-minded because it's seen as a problem they thought they had solved.

You have taken your wedding night of discovery and joy, and depleted yourself of that. It is a shame that you didn't wait. I hope that you and your boyfriend will stop having sex and will hold yourself to a higher standard until and unless you get married.

I forgot the most important thing! SELF RESPECT = respect from others. If you start with not respecting yourself by desecrating sexual relationship in this way, even if your current boyfriend marries you, I can pretty much guarantee that he will not respect you in the same way he would have if you had kept yourself pure. And that is not reversible, if you take vows on that basis, the foundation will need to be rebuilt completely. In my case I regret that I was not pure, my husband may not regret his own sexual past but I am convinced it has affected our relationship in a very deep way. I know he would have respected me more and I would have respected myself more had we not had premarital sex.

[/quote]

Thank you, this post has also helped me quite a bit. Particularly that last paragraph that you edited in. Because I can understand that very well NOW. I've never gone through a break up in which sex was involved in the relationship. I've never had to carry those things with me. And if one day I have to, those above paragraphs would probably make a lot of sense to me. I can understand them, but I've never gone through that. As for that last paragraph, I understand how premarital sex and lack of respect are related. But I don't agree that he would respect me less if we got married. He is not religious, he is agnostic. Both of us lost our virginity to each other. I know he understands the importance of having one intimate partner in a lifetime, rather than multiple partners. But I don't think he believes it matters whether or not it is before or after marriage. Now, I know there is no way to know if you'll marry the person you're dating. And I also know that for a while after losing his virginity he regretted it, in fear that we would not stay together. But I think both of us have had the frame of mind 'well, its already done and despite whether or not we stay together, we will have had sex. so why stop? whats the point?' And for someone who has no religious affiliation, this makes sense.

So in conclusion, I don't think he would necessarily lose respect for me because if he just so happens to luck out and marry the only person he's had premarital sex with, then to him, it may be the same as saving himself for marriage, because he still did essentially save himself for the person he ended up marrying.

Sorry this was so long. :/


#10

[quote="Gash, post:5, topic:225969"]
Thank you. This post really helped me. Probably because you can relate this to your own experiences. I do love my boyfriend. And I do want to be with him for the rest of my life. If we were older, more financially stable, and have been together longer, I would feel ready to marry him/get engaged today.

And I know, the almost automatic response is...then why did you have sex when you were young, not financially stable, and together for such a short amount of time? I have felt and will probably still feel very odd about that regardless of religious affiliation. I don't like the idea of having more than one sex partner in a lifetime. And I know, whether or not I take back my faith, that if my boyfriend and I break up, I won't have sex again until I am married. I do think that having sex with my boyfriend to begin with was a mistake. Not because I don't enjoy it or I love him any less, but because its so dangerous. Whether I'm religious or not, its dangerous psychologically, emotionally, physically, and because of potential pregnancy.

I want to stop having sex. But I'm afraid to. I'm not afraid my boyfriend will leave me, if he does then he's not the one I should be with anyway. I'm afraid of the change. I've never been with him and NOT had sex. I don't know what that's like. If its extremely hard to do, if its frustrating or if it will change a lot in our relationship.

[/quote]

I am in the exact same position. Apart from - me and my boyfriend live too far apart for me to see him regularly using public transport, but he drives to see me often but only a few times a week at best, and I am at RCIA so not a fully-fledged Catholic.

The bold part is exactly how I feel also. It is difficult :( I have approached my boyfriend about this - he said he would support me if I chose to do so, but he would find it extremely hard. I feel also that I can't go back and change our relationship. It isn't broke, so why should I fix it? Do you understand what I mean?

I pray that no one will respond aggressively also, this is a topic many people feel too strongly about sometimes.


#11

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:7, topic:225969"]
Your whole post should be made into a sticky somewhere. But this last part is one I can certify. Over the last maybe 10 years I have struggled with this very issue in my marriage. I was promiscuous before I met my husband, really I was looking for love through sex, as so many of my generation did (we were lied to from all quarters that sex was just for fun and pleasure). When we met we had sex soon afterward. All this was purely for pleasure. We did eventually marry, but we still hadn't returned to the Church. When I returned, he did not.

So the foundation of our relationship has never been that sex is holy and meant for creation of life. He cannot understand my deep sadness and regret for the way I have been and the way we began our relationship and marriage, I don't think he will ever see things that way (barring a miracle). Since our sexual practices were not instituted with openness to life in mind, I now sin on a regular basis because he does not agree with Church teaching, and I fear for my soul. My husband also does not see pre-marital sex as sin, he sees it as a practical issue only: although he supports abstinence, he has told our son that condoms are a back-up plan. He sees abstinence as pregnancy and disease avoidance only, not for the sacred quality of sexual relationships. For people our age, when you start talking of sex in those terms you can see people edging away from you. It's like you suddenly started talking in Martian or something. "Sex? Holy? Yeah, right, SEE YA!"

It is a huge MESS and one I wish that I could have avoided.

These issues are serious and life-changing. Some of the decisions people make will never be undone, and have very far-reaching consequences. Even without an unexpected pregnancy, or a sexually transmitted disease, NO ONE gets away unscathed. NO ONE.

[/quote]

I fear that my husband will be the same with our sons. He really doesn't see pre-martial sex as a problem at all, saying "boys will be boys".

Something else that I wish to share, with OP as well, as that now I am older, etc... I can't help but wonder if something were to happen and I could no longer have sex with my husband, how would our marriage become or be? I pray that he has grown more spiritually in realizing that marriage is more than sex and that I am not a sex object and that sex is not the only way to show love, but I worry because our relationship before marriage really wasn't based on those values. It was a "I love you, we have sex, now lets get married" .. he was never open to life, sex became a fear with pregnancy, etc blah, blah, blah...

so see OP, Gash, there is so, so much that comes along with not viewing sex as something holy that should be saved for marriage.

Again, it's not too late to reclaim your values. God bless!!!!


#12

If he is the one, he will agree with you, and respect you more for your decision. If he is not the one, you will have tremendous pain and regret to work through. Your gift to your husband on your wedding night will not be the same. But you can do as your conscience is telling you to. Of course I am going to tell you, as a fellow Catholic, that confession and absolution will help you to regain that sense of rightness, of cleanliness, being able to face God without stain. I want you to return to the Church, not as the child you were, but ready to really find out about the faith your parents bequeathed you, which is so rich and sustaining that I regularly cry with gratitude to my convert mother.

You already recognize that having sex with your boyfriend was a mistake. The key is to present this to him in a different way. Not that you think you have made a mistake, but that you both could do so much better than just falling into bed with each other. Yes, it will be difficult. You will have to avoid being alone together for a while, maybe always until you are married. That will be awkward. But having sex tends to hide differences and issues between 2 people and make especially women feel bonded to someone who is not trustworthy.

Is he also Catholic - lapsed or otherwise?


#13

[quote="DJgang, post:6, topic:225969"]
I wonder if being apart, as you are now, is really helping you in this area. You may have realized that sex is only, really, a small part of a relationship. There is so, so much more to worry about.

Do not be afraid to talk to him. Really. I promise, you can live without him if he doesn't understand you wanting to wait until marriage now for sex. My boyfriend, that I started having sex with at the age of 14 .... well, we had a pregnancy scare. My mother looks in my eyes and told me "If you are pregnant, you WILL get an abortion" OMG! I can not imagine my life if that had happened!

My husband now ... we actually were so busy in building our home, jobs and preparing for our wedding that we went without sex for about eight months! About four months before the wedding, I asked him about waiting until that night .. he was game .. and it was wonderful that night. I sometimes think about just how wonderful it may have been if I had been a virgin.

It's not too late.

Be not afraid.

Want to add: I know that you love him!

Dana

[/quote]

Thank you so much for your support. And that is a special story, about your wedding night. And the more I think about it, the more it makes sense to me to stop having sex. Both my boyfriend and I live at our parents house. My mother is very strictly Roman Catholic and she found out about what we were doing early on, and has detested my boyfriend since. He does not come here to visit, I go there. My boyfriend's parents may or may not know. His mother is at least somewhat religious, I don't really know just how much. But ever since our long distance relationship started, we couldn't have sex often and my boyfriend didn't really want to have sex in his parents house. I felt tension with his parents. They didn't do anything that made me think they didn't like me at all! But I felt like I was being very rude by having sex with their son in their house. I like his parents, especially his mother and I want very much for her to approve of me.

And although my boyfriend is not religious, he does have morals. We've talked about what would happen if I got pregnant. He said that if I aborted, he would never talk to me again. We would probably end up having to give the baby away.


#14

So true, and another issue that doesn’t really arise until one is a little older and maybe health problems happen…My desire level has come and gone over the last few years, we’ve had marital problems and my trust level has been lower…which means intimacy is very difficult. This has affected our sexual relationship and that has made things between us VERY tense. Not saying it’s all his fault but it is as if that is the MAIN foundation for his relationship with me. If the sex isn’t there, there seems to be nothing else. Now that IS scary! I’ve even asked him, “well what if one of us was disabled or sick?” and he has no answer. I think he cannot imagine a relationship that does not include having his sexual needs taken care of, no matter what.


#15

[quote="LemonAndLime, post:10, topic:225969"]
I am in the exact same position. Apart from - me and my boyfriend live too far apart for me to see him regularly using public transport, but he drives to see me often but only a few times a week at best, and I am at RCIA so not a fully-fledged Catholic.

The bold part is exactly how I feel also. It is difficult :( I have approached my boyfriend about this - he said he would support me if I chose to do so, but he would find it extremely hard. I feel also that I can't go back and change our relationship. It isn't broke, so why should I fix it? Do you understand what I mean?

I pray that no one will respond aggressively also, this is a topic many people feel too strongly about sometimes.

[/quote]

Well, let me put it this way. I'm trying to do two things.

  1. Fix my relationship with God. That's pretty self explanatory. I was taught that when we commit mortal sins, it completely destroys our relationship with God. How are we supposed to have a healthy relationship with someone who we are betraying?

  2. I don't call what I'm doing "fixing" my relationship with my boyfriend. Because, yes, I agree there really isn't anything wrong BETWEEN the two of us. What's wrong with our relationship concerns God, not really my boyfriend. We're happy right now. But what I'm trying to do for our relationship is make it even better. Sex does make me question a lot. If you never have sex with someone, and they stay with you and want to marry you, you know that they love you. And in my case, I would feel even more reassured if we STOPPED having sex. He knows what he's missing and he knows he can find it somewhere else if he wants to. And if he chooses not to then I know for sure why he's in this with me. Because he loves me.


#16

No, your relationship with God is broken because of your decision to use your gift from Him in a way He did not intend it. Your relationship with your boyfriend is also broken, you just don’t realize it. It will be improved or healed only if you stop the relationship with him and re-gain your self-respect and God’s respect. God will of course forgive you but why keep sinning over and over when the solution is right there. Of course you will both find it difficult! Sin is easy! Virtue is harder!

You know what you need to do. I pray that today you will find the courage and fortitude to do it. Pray to Mary and the saints.


#17

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:12, topic:225969"]
If he is the one, he will agree with you, and respect you more for your decision. If he is not the one, you will have tremendous pain and regret to work through. Your gift to your husband on your wedding night will not be the same. But you can do as your conscience is telling you to. Of course I am going to tell you, as a fellow Catholic, that confession and absolution will help you to regain that sense of rightness, of cleanliness, being able to face God without stain. I want you to return to the Church, not as the child you were, but ready to really find out about the faith your parents bequeathed you, which is so rich and sustaining that I regularly cry with gratitude to my convert mother.

You already recognize that having sex with your boyfriend was a mistake. The key is to present this to him in a different way. Not that you think you have made a mistake, but that you both could do so much better than just falling into bed with each other. Yes, it will be difficult. You will have to avoid being alone together for a while, maybe always until you are married. That will be awkward. But having sex tends to hide differences and issues between 2 people and make especially women feel bonded to someone who is not trustworthy.

Is he also Catholic - lapsed or otherwise?

[/quote]

I feel a little embarrassed. I don't even know if he was baptized, if he believes in God, etc. I've never asked him this. I've never talked to him about it. I know his moral opinions on things. But I don't know if he believes in God. I know he doesn't pray and he doesn't go to church. But his morals (opposition to cheating, lying, etc) are very strong naturally. His parents did raise him well. And I also think it has to do with him having three older sisters and no brothers. He is very in tune to respecting women. Especially compared to other guys I know. That was one of the first things I noticed when I met him. He's not a dog about sex and things like that. He doesn't have the same reaction to scantily dressed woman as other college guys do. I remember one time when I was very upset with how upset my mother was about the sex thing. And I told him that maybe we should just not have sex so she's not mad. And he sort of shrugged and said "I would be okay with that."


#18

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:16, topic:225969"]
No, your relationship with God is broken because of your decision to use your gift from Him in a way He did not intend it. Your relationship with your boyfriend is also broken, you just don't realize it. It will be improved or healed only if you stop the relationship with him and re-gain your self-respect and God's respect. God will of course forgive you but why keep sinning over and over when the solution is right there. Of course you will both find it difficult! Sin is easy! Virtue is harder!

You know what you need to do. I pray that today you will find the courage and fortitude to do it. Pray to Mary and the saints.

[/quote]

I know that my relationship with God is broken, I worry it about it all day and every day. I feel that I cannot pray to him because I feel ashamed, but I find it much easier to pray to Our Lady, which I do several times a week - either when on the bus, or silently in my bedroom.

By "not broke" I meant - me and my boyfriend's relationship is good. Apart from, I always have this sense of guilt with me now. I have brought the topic up with him as I said, but he always either convinces me that it'll do no harm, or really puts pressure on me by telling me he'll find it so hard. I am also scared of offending him - he's all I have really, and he's done so much for me.

I have to make an appointment to see my parish Priest soon as part of RCIA, I will no doubt discuss this with him.

The difficulty is - I don't see how pre-marital sex is a sin still.


#19

[quote="LemonAndLime, post:18, topic:225969"]
I know that my relationship with God is broken, I worry it about it all day and every day. I feel that I cannot pray to him because I feel ashamed, but I find it much easier to pray to Our Lady, which I do several times a week - either when on the bus, or silently in my bedroom.

By "not broke" I meant - me and my boyfriend's relationship is good. Apart from, I always have this sense of guilt with me now. I have brought the topic up with him as I said, but he always either convinces me that it'll do no harm, or really puts pressure on me by telling me he'll find it so hard. I am also scared of offending him - he's all I have really, and he's done so much for me.

I have to make an appointment to see my parish Priest soon as part of RCIA, I will no doubt discuss this with him. I might invite my boyfriend with me as well, would that be a good idea? I don't know what to do either, I feel torn.

[/quote]

The pressure your boyfriend is putting on you is really going up as a red flag to me. Sex is the last thing a significant other should pressure anyone into doing. That is disrespect on his part. And by telling you that "it will do no harm" is his way ((intentional or unintentional) of leading you down the wrong path. Whether or not you're with a good guy, his opinion is important to you. And if he thinks having sex won't do harm, you will consider that. BUT you know that it DOES do harm. You've said that you know your relationship with God is broken. Don't let a person come in the way of that. If he can't handle the fact that you love God, he doesn't love you.

I quoted you before you edited your post. I honestly have some issues seeing how premarital sex is a sin as well. My not wanting to do it, is for other reasons. But I also wanted to add that I don't think you should bring your boyfriend with to see your priest. Right now, this is between you and God. You're trying to build a relationship with Him. Don't bring your boyfriend into this just yet. You want a foundation with God first.


#20

Premarital sex can lead to diseases, unplanned pregnancies, and abortions. It can also lead to mental health problems. People who act out sexually almost always have skeletons in their closet and bad relationships with their parents, or they feel like having sex is the only way they can get attention from the opposite gender. You shouldn’t need to have sex to get attention. Also, the more premarital sex you have, the more you will become emotionally attached to a man who isn’t your husband. This is obviously very damaging, as dating should be a time to discern a vocation of marriage and is not a time to become emotionally attached. Premarital sex also clouds your judgment so you will not see the flaws and red flags that would be visible otherwise.

If you are with a “man” who wants or is forcing you to have premarital sex, that should be a red flag right there. He does not respect you as a human person, a child of God, and is only using you for his pleasure. The media objectifies women, so it’s not a surprise that he views you the same way.

When I was in college, I was in a major that was mostly males (engineering department), overheard many conversations and yes, unfortunately most of them do view women as sex objects. They rate girlfriends based on appearance and “skills” in the bedroom, cheat on them, etc. They have the attitude of “why get married when pretty girls will have sex with you outside of marriage” and wouldn’t even marry their girlfriend or be there for the child if she became pregnant. Many of them say they would force her to get an abortion if she did become pregnant (birth control fails).

You need to leave him and date someone who is more mature and has some self-control. Most teenage boys or even “men” in their early 20s were not raised to respect women, are self-centered, lack self-control, and are not mature enough to be in a dating relationship. The human brain isn’t done developing until age 25 or 27, and sometimes in men it’s not fully developed until age 30. If you are in school you don’t really need to be dating at all, but if you do date someone, I recommend someone who is a few to several years older, and of course someone who is Catholic and wants to follow God’s plan.

Men are supposed to be spiritual leaders, and those who do not have self-control do not make good boyfriends or husbands. Why do you think the divorce and adultery rate is so high? A big reason why marriages fail because people choose to not learn self-control. But the married couples who follow the Catholic teaching AND use NFP (not ABC)–God’s plan for humans–have a divorce rate of <2% (one source) to <5% (another source). Compare this to other groups that are much higher!

Another reason marriages fail is because people don’t learn to communicate. They jump in bed and never learn to discuss their problems or really get to know and appreciate each other.

If you want to learn more about this:

  1. Talk to your Priest.
  2. Read the Bible and what Jesus says about fornication or sex outside marriage.
  3. Watch Women of Grace. The programs are viewable online and are very informative and helpful. There are real doctors, people with PhD’s, who come on there and explain scientifically why the Catholic view makes the most sense and why God’s way is the best way.

If you want to find God, you need to get rid of your presuppositions. Live a more holy life. Learn to control yourself. God will reveal himself in HIS time and in HIS way. Sometimes you will get years of silence. Mother Teresa had 20 years of silence, but still chose to serve and believe and help His Church.

I’d also like to add that sex is not a need. The media wants you to think it is because they are trying to sell stuff (condoms, pills, abortions), but there are many people who lead chaste lives. The media points to examples of rapists as if all “repressed” people did that stuff, but realistically those cases are very, very rare. Priests and nuns are called to chastity and most (99%) of them do just fine.

Self-mastery/self-control are also good to learn in preparation for marriage. If you have premarital sex, your “appetite” is for people who are not your husband and you are much more likely to cheat, and he is much more likely to cheat on you. There are also times during a marriage when you are called to be abstinent (during cycles where you don’t want to become pregnant, during illness, etc.) and you need to have the self-control to be able to do that.

Women of Grace episodes can be viewed here: womenofgrace.com/tv-shows/past-tv-shows-online.html. The top five are this past week’s episodes (they say 2010 but that is a typo; they’re from 2011) on the Catholic sexual ethic and are very informative. Some other programs on there have information on this as well. Good luck!


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