Why shouldn't I feel ashamed for having a same sex orientation?


#1

I have made it one of my new year resolutions to quit self-pleasuring myself until Hell freezes over, but to me, being heterosexual is everything. Attraction to me defines who you are and is the driving force behind relationships.

Do you have any idea what it is like to be the black sheep? The indigo girl? The odd girl out? It just hurts to be surrounded by heterosexuals while you’re homosexual. I feel isolated, ashamed, useless and like absolute garbage. I feel like my existence is shameful.

I honestly don’t know what to do with myself if it turns out I really am gay. The thought just completely devastates me. One of the initial thoughts I had was to give up completely on life and donate my organs and everything I own to charity. Because I wasn’t going to live in this world for the rest of my life knowing that well over 90% of the population is opposite sex attracted and I’m not.

And what makes me angry is that these heterosexuals keep comparing themselves to me as if their temptations are just as bad as ours. That’s just like comparing common anger management issues to someone with full blown manic depression. The two aren’t in anyway alike, and should never be compared. Because most people who have SSA would much rather be drawn to food, alchohol or even to commit adultery with every attractive member to the opposite sex than be drawn to the same sex and God forbid, children.

And how could they be wrong for wishing that? Having an attraction and sex with the opposite gender is part of God’s natural order. We were made for the opposite sex. We weren’t made for sex with animals, our own gender or children or babies. Those are perversions.

OSA is a part of nature. SSA is not. So I don’t know why heterosexuals keep comparing themselves to us. If anything, I find that insulting.


#2

Rosaline, you are a child of God. Your friends say the things they do because they are genuine, they love you and value you. Nobody on this earth is garbage or undeserving of life. Nobody.

SSA is your cross to bear. Your feelings are not unnatural, Rosaline, and your friends are right to compare it to sex out of wedlock or sex while using any form of ABC or alcoholism or porn addiction. Not all of our crosses weigh the same but we all have them. And having loving family and friends who want to help us carry our crosses makes the load easier to bear.

You’re a gift to this world from God. Period, end of sentence. No matter what you think of yourself, God loves you and more than you can fathom.


#3

We ALL have crosses of one kind or another! Some have more crosses than others and some crosses are heavier than other’s to bare. Remember God NEVER gives us more than we can handle. God loves you just as you are!!!


#4

Please ponder this site…it can help much!

couragerc.org/

God bless you!


#5

Rosaline, I’m not homosexual, so I can’t identify with that, but I know one thing for sure–your
sexual orientation does not define who you are. You are first and foremost a child of God, a human being. And you are made in the image and likeness of God. THAT is where one should begin to self- identify. When I see a person, I don’t think “Oh, there goes a homosexual or there goes a heterosexual”. No, I first see them as a human being, the other characteristics come from that. Stop identifying yourself by your sexuality first and instead identify yourself as a person. Put things in their proper order. Accept who you are and let God guide you from there.

Being a heterosexual is NOT everything. Loving God and submitting to His will, and allowing Him to transform you spiritually IS. Remember that we are not male or female forever–Jesus said there is no male or female in heaven, and there is no marriage or giving in marriage. But we are spiritual beings forever–that is what we need to shift and keep our focus on, even if society and our own selves tell us otherwise.

Other than that, I don’t know what else to say that would help you.


#6

I can see where your despondent sentiment comes from. Never mind others comparing themselves to you, it’s an endless road full of illusions anyway. Being a black sheep, your in good company - so was Jesus - a black sheep in his home town, they tried to kill Him after the first time He spoke in public!

There is absolutely zero evidence that points to SSA not being part of nature. There is plenty of evidence to suggest that it is natural; and part of human nature to exist, and perhaps even move around, on the spectrum of sexual attraction.

We were not made exclusively for the opposite sex. That is not the reason we are here. We were, however, made so that we would discover, love and glorify God. We are made male and female in order to form a unity as an imitation, or a sharing, of God’s creation of life. But that is not the only way to imitate, or share, in God’s unity and creativity. Obviously, not everyone can, or does, have children in a conjugal union.

Most of your post is about comparing OSA with SSA. I think you’ve underestimated the similarities. There are plenty of perversions in heterosexually oriented people, they probably do not get talked about as much because there is no socially acceptable group for them to confide in as there is with the SSA crowd.


#7

That something is in nature is no sure measure as to what is good or that it is in accord with God’s will for us. Much of nature and human nature has been distorted by mankind’s sinfulness and as a consequence of original sin that allowed disorder to come into creation. It was never God’s will that these things should have happened but we all now live with the consequences of the sin committed by our original representative parents. Many now have crosses to bear as some of the posters have pointed out. The Lord never said that we will be happy in this life but said pick up your cross and follow me and promised that He will help us and reward us with eternal life.


#8

Yes! And thanks be to the Lord that He gives Himself to us in the Holy Eucharist and the Sacrament of Reconciliation in order to pick up our cross and follow Him.


#9

Everybody but Mary and Jesus has innate weaknesses that we have to work on. They weren’t planned by God; they are the damage done to our bodies and souls by original sin.

But by working on strengthening the weak places, we can turn our weaknesses into strengths. Just by resisting weaknesses, you are strengthening yourself. And God helps us to do this; He loves to turn evil into good, and hurtful things into helpful achievements. He is on your side. He made you, and He wants to help you make the damaged bits into your shining beauties.

Every vice (literally means,“weakness”) has an opposite virtue (literally “strength”), or is a virtue that has been twisted into a vice. You are obviously a person whom God created to have lots of love and physical vitality, and the damage of our fallen world is making that show up in a sad way. That is not your fault; it is your misfortune, just like a person with injuries from a car wreck.

On the bright side, SSA is not nearly as bad as some vice tendencies you could have. It is not pride, which made Lucifer fall and Eve want God’s powers. Pride is rooted in the soul, which is a lot harder to fix than a tendency rooted in the brain’s control of the genitalia.

You just have to work on bodily self- control and strengthening your will. Like most people with psych quirks, you have to learn to notice when your brain is playing tricks on you, and override it. Keeping busy and having interesting projects for your body and brain will help. Perspective and humor will help. Hating yourself will make you brood more, and stress will probably fixate you more on SSA urges.

If you can start to regard SSA moments of temptation as just something unimportant, a slight bother that floats out of your head and has nothing to do with you yourself, you will start to find that they don’t have as much power as if you were eating your heart out over them. Some times we resist sin best by sort of twisting away from it without acknowledging temptation.

But any kind of will-strengthening exercise can also help strengthen your will and self-control. Making yourself get out of bed first thing in the morning, for instance, or setting yourself an exact minute to go to bed.

So take heart. You can do this. Millions of people have done this. God and the saints will help you and cheer you on.


#10

Obviously sex and reproduction are pretty basic, and it stinks to have a basic urge, a good urge, twisted around to a useless temptation. (Although you are young, and a lot of young folks have sexual urges toward everything vaguely close enough to set off their poor hormones. It is amazing how much internally calmer things get when adulthood finally settles in a body.)

But you have other basic urges that are working just fine. Also, you have virtue tendencies. You probably even have virtues that you have won or strengthened through hard work and caring thoughts and actions.

So I think it would help if you listed some of your good points and good basic urges, so that you can see that you were basically created well; and that the little lizard parts of your brain actually help you most of the time, even if they are out of whack with SSA. This will also help you see that you aren’t starting from zero; you can apply your strengths that you already have to the weaknesses you want to strengthen.

Don’t be too critical. This isn’t Olympic figure skating, so you don’t have to get something almost perfect for it to count as a good point.

Have fun! Feel better!


#11

Well, to answer the question in your title, because it’s out of your hands. You aren’t willing yourself to be same sex attracted; you just are. Why would you blame yourself for something you have no control over?

Good luck. You’re not gross, you’re not worthless, you’re not unworthy of love. You have a cross to bear, same as the rest of us. Different one, maybe, but doesn’t make you less than anyone else.

Also, I think you’re romanticizing/idealizing being heterosexual. Being heterosexual isn’t “everything”, as you put it. There are plenty of hetereosexual people (myself being one) who struggle with other vices/issues. Straight does not equal perfect.


#12

You aren’t defined by your attraction. Your attraction is a part of you, not the other way around. It can shape who you are if you let it, but you don’t have to let it.

Do you have any idea what it is like to be the black sheep? The indigo girl? The odd girl out? It just hurts to be surrounded by heterosexuals while you’re homosexual. I feel isolated, ashamed, useless and like absolute garbage. I feel like my existence is shameful.

That is precisely how Satan wants you to feel. You aren’t useless, you aren’t garbage, your existence isn’t shameful. God didn’t think it was shameful that you should come into being, do you really want to mock his design?

I honestly don’t know what to do with myself if it turns out I really am gay. The thought just completely devastates me. One of the initial thoughts I had was to give up completely on life and donate my organs and everything I own to charity. Because I wasn’t going to live in this world for the rest of my life knowing that well over 90% of the population is opposite sex attracted and I’m not.

I’d get the guidance of a priest. This isn’t a healthy attitude. God loves you, you specifically and individually. So much that even if you were the ONLY person who would be helped by it, God STILL would have become man (a form far, far, far beneath His dignity), suffered, and died for you. Your cross is not a cross many are called to bear, and many that are called to bear it don’t bear that cross well. But God knows how hard it is for you, and if you bear it well, He will reward you proportionally!

And what makes me angry is that these heterosexuals keep comparing themselves to me as if their temptations are just as bad as ours. That’s just like comparing common anger management issues to someone with full blown manic depression. The two aren’t in anyway alike, and should never be compared. Because most people who have SSA would much rather be drawn to food, alchohol or even to commit adultery with every attractive member to the opposite sex than be drawn to the same sex and God forbid, children.

And how could they be wrong for wishing that? Having an attraction and sex with the opposite gender is part of God’s natural order. We were made for the opposite sex. We weren’t made for sex with animals, our own gender or children or babies. Those are perversions.

OSA is a part of nature. SSA is not. So I don’t know why heterosexuals keep comparing themselves to us. If anything, I find that insulting.

We were made for God above all! You’re right that of creatures we were made for the opposite sex, and all those things are perversions. But as to how they could be wrong for wishing that? Because ALL sin hurts God. Sin is an act, not a desire. Being DRAWN to food or alcohol IS NOT a sin. Being DRAWN to members of the same sex IS NOT a sin. COMMITTING adultery with anyone, attractive or not, IS INDEED a sin.

You should talk with a priest about this, some of these attitudes are extremely unhealthy, and just as concerning (if not more) than your same sex attractions. I am deeply saddened that you’re hurting so much from this, and will keep you in my prayers. May God bless and keep you!


#13

What a wonderful and encouraging thing to read! May the asker be blessed with peace.


#14

Well, of course SSA’s struggles are not the same to OSA. I can see why it would annoy you. For starters, those with SSA still face discrimination for something they cannot control. And because of their attraction, they cannot marry, which really really sucks. I cannot imagine being in that position, and I do apologize if straight people made you feel hurt because of this.

Other posters have given you good advice. Just know that your attraction is not a sin, you are not inferior AT ALL, no matter how much people try to tell you this.


#15

As a fellow guy with SSA. I struggle at times with shame and self-loathing at time for having my particular cross (as sometimes some people can be less than charitable to this particular cross), but I have had this one conclusion that helps keep me going. This cross is my cross that God has allowed for me to be part of my sanctification process: now whether that is for the rest of my life or just a season doesn’t matter, it honestly doesn’t even matter that it is this particular cross. However, I can see the blessings, the grace, and see how the struggle is part of my sanctification. I can focus in on that as I try to live out a holy life that is honorable to Him.


#16

Wonderful…thanks for sharing!


#17

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