Eh…I’m sorry but I think the other advice you are getting is just wrong. They want to to play a game and play your cards right. Basically, be a doormat and weasel your way into their affections. Don’t rock the boat, and don’t expect your wife to choose you over them.
At your marriage SACRAMENT, your wife did choose you over all others.
Unfortunatly, from your own descriptions it looks like she unhealthly dependant on her mother’s apron strings and her mother is using that to manipulate both of you.
Go to a counselor, you have a right to have issues with this and want to work it out.
All the time I see young couples ask for advice on this board and the resounding suggestions are always; if you aren’t mentally and financially capable of leaving your parents and the mommy/daddy-baby role, then you aren’t mature enough to get married and have kids of your own. Usually this advice is mostly about financial reasons but it also involves the emotional maturity.
I’m not going to discount your worries out of hand because of any of my own personal issues and I’m not going to refuse to use the dreaded ‘labels’ to describe what your descriptions look like.
Both you and your wife need to be on the same page and if you can’t honestly and forthrightly talk to her about it then honey, this isn’t a healthy marriage. If she isn’t concerned about your exclusion from the family on *her own, *because she loves you and is concerned for the marriages well-being…well that’s a problem.
Just because she grew up pacifying mommy and/or daddy does not mean that you are to be forced to endure playing games or dysfunctional relations with the family.
Think about the future, what if she became pregnant right now? Your wife is already running to mama every chance she gets, a new mother-to-be is already scared and unexperianced…she’ll more than likely be more entrenched in letting her mommy take care of her instead of standing on her own two adult feet (as people who are ready for marriage better darn well be prepared for before they are ready for marriage) and work on her own new family which right now is YOU.
Don’t ‘play the game’, don’t try to weasel more affection from your wife than she gives them. Don’t don’t don’t. Ugh.
Go to a counselor, go to your priest and have your wife go to. All marriages, even healthy ones need accessability in good counseling and communication. This is a definite candidate for that.
And yes, mommie’s can be way too needy of thier adult children and put the burden on them to continue the role of emotional boyfriend or girlfriend. It cripples them.
Her parents, ALL parent’s are supposed to raise their kid’s to stand on their own two feet and have healthy adult relationships. If they didn’t, they don’t have the right to try to continue that sort of cr*p and whine and moan because other people (future and new spouses) won’t buy into that.
Don’t be convinced by all the excuses in the world as to why you should just accept this.
I go to a mother-in-laws support forum for all the daughter-in-laws that have to endure years upon years of ‘playing the game’ in order to be accepted and STILL their husbands choose their mommies over their wives, even at the expense of their own children. For me, if the roles are switched, it’s still just as unfair and cruel to the spouse.
Go to counseling. Your wife seems like she’s still in the ‘baby’ mode with her mom and if she wanted to stay in that role she should have never gotten married in the first place. I’m not trying to attack your marriage, I’m just trying to show that this just isn’t acceptable to endure. Your wife’s relationship with her mom isn’t going to change if your the ‘nicer’ guy, you’ll just get run over. It will only change if your wife is willing to go to counseling with you and open her eyes to her own enabling.
This advice of course is NOT talking about healthy female bonds of mother/daughter/sister/aunt/cousen.
Mother’s can be greatly bonded to their adult children, but when it impinges on the adult daughter ability to function as a normal adult spouse, then it’s just not righ.