Wife does not want to practice NFP


#1

I am Catholic, my wife is Muslim, and we have been married four years. For the past four years we have used contraception without realizing how grave of a sin it actually is. About 6 months ago I revived my faith and started educating myself on the Church's teachings.

After gathering my facts, I approched my wife about changing to the NFP method and she does not want to even consider it. She does not feel that using contraception is sinful and feels that I am pushing my Catholic agenda on her. This has resulted in 2 months of refraining from having relations which is really putting a strain on our marriage.

Side note: We have an 8 month old daughter, my wife's pregnancy and her labor were very difficult on her. She does not want another child anytime soon, if ever.


#2

Sadly, this problem is pretty common, especially in mixed marriages. Remember your love for your wife and pray for her conversion to love Jesus!

As for the practicality of the problem, refraining from marital intimacy is not a good answer. Instead, simply tell her that your faith states that you cannot use contraception. What she does is up to her and her conscience, but remind her the blessings of using NFP, and tell her that is truly the desire of your heart because you think it can be incredibly beneficial and much healthier.

If your wife chooses to use contraception on her end, that is her choice. You are not repsonsible for that.

Good for you for diving deeper into your faith!!


#3

She is being unfair.

You are not pushing your agenda upon her; you are stating that your religion does not permit you to use contraception -- and offering a sound and reliable alternative.

If she does not wish to respect your faith; or try your alternative; then it is her stubbornness that is damaging the marraige. You are being perfectly reasonable.

Hang in there; you have been very brave to stand up for your principles; if you can show with patience and charity that you are being reasonable; perhaps she will come over to your side of thinking!


#4

[quote="PMAC27, post:1, topic:212907"]
I am Catholic, my wife is Muslim, and we have been married four years. For the past four years we have used contraception without realizing how grave of a sin it actually is. About 6 months ago I revived my faith and started educating myself on the Church's teachings.

After gathering my facts, I approched my wife about changing to the NFP method and she does not want to even consider it. She does not feel that using contraception is sinful and feels that I am pushing my Catholic agenda on her. This has resulted in 2 months of refraining from having relations which is really putting a strain on our marriage.

Side note: We have an 8 month old daughter, my wife's pregnancy and her labor were very difficult on her. She does not want another child anytime soon, if ever.

[/quote]

The answers I've heard given to this on the radio from well educated people is that you re not obligated to abstain from having relations with her. In fact doing that can damage the marriage in multiple ways. Even though using NFP is immoral, so is withholding sex for the purpose of manipulation. This gives her an experience that Catholicism has turned her husband into a man who rejects her sexually and insists that, in her mind, she become a baby making machine. In her mind this is demeaning and unloving.

First of all, I would apoligize to her from withholding sex from her and talk opening about how that has made her feel about you and about Catholicism. Focus on loving her where she is at. Express to her that you really do not want to violate the morals of your faith and come to a compromise. The contracepted sex is against your will. Since there is no full consent of your will, it cannot be a mortal sin. Its just like if a woman is raped. It is not a mortal sin because she did not consent to the sexual activity.

What you need to do is pray for her soul. During a good moment where she's feeling loved and not threatened, ask her if she'd be willing at all just to take an informative class on NFP. Then pray pray pray. Then perhaps slowly and without pressure she will come to be open about NFP. However, by withholding sexual expression in your marriage, she will more than likely go in the exact opposite direction.


#5

To the OP:

Have you spoken to your priest or spiritual advisor? Part of a marriage is loving sexual relations. You need to work this out in order to have a complete marriage.


#6

[quote="twoangels, post:4, topic:212907"]
The answers I've heard given to this on the radio from well educated people is that you re not obligated to abstain from having relations with her. In fact doing that can damage the marriage in multiple ways. Even though using NFP is immoral, so is withholding sex for the purpose of manipulation. This gives her an experience that Catholicism has turned her husband into a man who rejects her sexually and insists that, in her mind, she become a baby making machine. In her mind this is demeaning and unloving.

First of all, I would apoligize to her from withholding sex from her and talk opening about how that has made her feel about you and about Catholicism. Focus on loving her where she is at. Express to her that you really do not want to violate the morals of your faith and come to a compromise. The contracepted sex is against your will. Since there is no full consent of your will, it cannot be a mortal sin. Its just like if a woman is raped. It is not a mortal sin because she did not consent to the sexual activity.

What you need to do is pray for her soul. During a good moment where she's feeling loved and not threatened, ask her if she'd be willing at all just to take an informative class on NFP. Then pray pray pray. Then perhaps slowly and without pressure she will come to be open about NFP. However, by withholding sexual expression in your marriage, she will more than likely go in the exact opposite direction.

[/quote]

I think you mean using contraception is immoral? At least that is what is consistent with the rest of your post. :)


#7

[quote="mommamaree, post:6, topic:212907"]
I think you mean using contraception is immoral? At least that is what is consistent with the rest of your post. :)

[/quote]

Oops!


#8

Thank you for all the thoughts. I hope that you all pray for me as I am in a real struggle here.

I proposed that my wife get on the pill in order to get her cycle more regular and in addition we will practice NFP. That way she can get used to the method and become more comfortable with it. Then, when the time is right, she can stop the pill and we will only use NFP.

I prayed hard and this is what I feel God is telling me to do. It's a compromise of my faith but I feel that God knows that I am trying to do my best.

Thoughts?


#9

Someone correct me if I'm wrong here, but you can't practice NFP on the pill. NFP assumes you aren't on artificial hormones to prevent ovulation. Phase 1 is before ovulation, Phase 2 is the fertile phase surrounding ovulation, and Phase 3 is the luteal phase after ovulation where a woman is infertile. If there is no ovulation, you could be taking temperatures and making cervical mucous observations but it isn't going to make sense fertility-wise. This is not to be confused with irregular cycles where ovulation may be delayed or absent but you are still looking at temperatures and cervical mucous that represent what your wife's body is actually doing at that particular time. You could get in the habit of doing the observations, though. :thumbsup: In addition to this, my understanding is that coming off the Pill will skew a woman's hormones for awhile so you may have months of trying to chart with weird cycles.

Like PP's have said. You should not be avoiding relations with your wife even if she is on the Pill. I personally think that this is something your wife needs to be totally on board with because it will take some patience to learn and practice NFP in the transition between the Pill and NFP.

Maybe you guys could take a NFP class through your parish in the meantime. It may help your wife to see where you're coming from and you'll need the knowledge. :thumbsup:

KG


#10

This makes no sense.

First of all, the pill is poison for the body.
2nd- its abortive
3rd- you can’t learn NFP while on the pill, because it suppresses ovulation. You have no signs to observe
4-the pill does not “get the cycle regular” it is a fake cycle that causes way much more stress when coming off it.


#11

This is a tough situation to be in. My wife and I were in the exact same situation. We have been married for a year and a half and went 6 months without relations. We have a good reason to not have a baby, and she didn't want to do NFP or the pill and I wouldn't use condoms, so abstinence it was. Let me tell you, 6 months with no sex or masturbation while living with a beautiful and sexy woman is a constant struggle, every single day.

When I spoke to my priest about it, he said that we were hurting our marriage and told me it was okay for me to use condoms in this situation, but that still didn't feel right to me. Eventually one night we did something stupid and broke down and had unprotected sex. Now we are back to abstinence again.


#12

[quote="GreatBeliever, post:11, topic:212907"]
This is a tough situation to be in. My wife and I were in the exact same situation. We have been married for a year and a half and went 6 months without relations. We have a good reason to not have a baby, and she didn't want to do NFP or the pill and I wouldn't use condoms, so abstinence it was. Let me tell you, 6 months with no sex or masturbation while living with a beautiful and sexy woman is a constant struggle, every single day.

When I spoke to my priest about it, he said that we were hurting our marriage and told me it was okay for me to use condoms in this situation, but that still didn't feel right to me. Eventually one night we did something stupid and broke down and had unprotected sex. Now we are back to abstinence again.

[/quote]

Just curious, GreatBeliever, but have ya'll tried charting? I understand if ya'll don't feel comfortable using NFP if you have 100% necessity to avoid pregnancy, but as long as your wife isn't on the pill, this could be the perfect opportunity to at least chart her cycles so you have the knowledge of how her body works. And you never know--maybe after a couple months you'll feel comfortable enough with that knowledge to start using NFP. :thumbsup:

KG


#13

I disagree, John.

The OP first of all got into a mixed marriage. She married him with the understanding that contraception was going to be a part of her marriage.

Now he has a conversion and all of a sudden, she is supposed to get on board with his beliefs? He changed the “initial terms” so to speak.

What if she all of a sudden had a strong conversion to Islam and insisted the female children wear burkas? Would you say he is being unfair to oppose that?

These are the reasons the Church does not really agree with mixed marriages and allows them only reluctantly.


closed #14

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