Wife getting an IUD


#1

Well, we have been using NFP for over 20 years. My wife is 46 yrs old and has made uop her mind to get an IUD because she fears getting pregnant at her age. We have one son 20 yrs old in college. She is unhappy using NFP because she values the freedom of "having relatiosn anytime the mood strikes."

While a lot of posts have focused on the issues surrounding getting an IUD, etc. I am more concerned that if she gets the IUD (worst case scenario) what does it mean for me morally?
Am I cooperating in evil? Am I committing a sin or just my wife?

Any help would be appreciated...


#2

Since an IUD is designed to abort babies (to not allow the embryo to implant), I cannot imagine that you could morally have relations with your wife.

Prayers for her to come back to Jesus!


#3

[quote="kage_ar, post:2, topic:191031"]
Since an IUD is designed to abort babies (to not allow the embryo to implant), I cannot imagine that you could morally have relations with your wife.

Prayers for her to come back to Jesus!

[/quote]

Hold on i don't think this adivce is correct. My understand is that since he is not making the choice to have the IUD that he is not sinning by having sex with her. I believe that the witholding the sexual embrace is worst as it would cause even a further break down in the marital relationship.

** I think you need to speak to a priest about this instead of taking any of our advice.**

Especially because a women to react this way there might be other issues going on with her (or you or the marriage). She needs to talk to her doctors or maybe a counselor to talk about her fears etc. Maybe she feels overwhelmed and looking to control one part of her life.


#4

[quote="beckers, post:3, topic:191031"]
My understand is that since he is not making the choice to have the IUD that he is not sinning by having sex with her. I believe that the witholding the sexual embrace is worst as it would cause even a further break down in the marital relationship.

*Exactly what I was taught, and what I read here in the past. *

** I think you need to speak to a priest about this instead of taking any of our advice.**

Exactly, speak to your priest. I second that!

Especially because a women to react this way there might be other issues going on with her (or you or the marriage). She needs to talk to her doctors or maybe a counselor to talk about her fears etc. Maybe she feels overwhelmed and looking to control one part of her life.

That's true too. Maybe meet with your priest, and then meet again with your priest with her. She might just be anxious over her health or is afraid of death. It happens. Please speak to a Priest. Denying her marital relations isn't the answer.

[/quote]


#5

beckers is right, you should speak to a priest about this.

saying that, have you spoken to your wife and told her your feelings on the matter? as this would be the first move I would make in your situation.

My understanding is that if your wife has an IUD fitted she is commiting an immoral act, you are not commiting an immoral act by continuing the “marital act”. but do you really want her to place herself in a state of mortal sin like that?
Even if your conscience is clear speak to her, speak to a priest.

God bless you are both in my prayers


#6

[quote="beckers, post:3, topic:191031"]
Hold on i don't think this adivce is correct. My understand is that since he is not making the choice to have the IUD that he is not sinning by having sex with her.** I think you need to speak to a priest about this instead of taking any of our advice.** .

[/quote]

Agreed. Here is a post from Fr. Vincent Serpa regarding this subject. Here is the link. forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=135215

I also agree that there may be other issues.


#7

I agree with Kage. This is entirely different than your spouse using a condom against your will. I can’t see having relations, knowing that there is a high probability that a baby will be killed. Nearly 100% of conceived baby’s will be killed by an IUD. Is your wife aware of how the IUD works?

Definitely talk to your priest, though there are many issues he can help you work through in this situation.


#8

This is very odd. The chances of a pregnancy occuring by natural means at her age are virtually nil.

I suspect there is something else going on with her. I echo the advice to speak with your priest, and maybe a Catholic marriage counselor.

God Bless


#9

Don’t bet the farm on it. If she is still having monthly periods she is quite capable of becoming pregnant. There are women who have periods and are fertile until their mid 50s. The chance of birth defects, miscarriage and other issues are much higher, but the odds of becoming pregnant are definitely there.


#10

An IUD is the WORST because it can shed an implanted, fertilized egg. :( It can also be very dangerous to the woman because of the chance for ectopic pregnancy. Condoms or sterilization would be the "lesser of the two evils." If I were a husband, I could not have relations with my wife while she had an IUD. I'd be too worried about the abortion of my child.


#11

Technically possible, but almost every case of pregnancies post-45 we read about in the news nowdays is using reproductive technologies, often including donor eggs. It is something to bet the farm against. It’s probably a 100,000:1 shot.

After 20 yrs. of NFP, 46 is a really weird time to worry about getting pregnant. In the early 40’s sure.

God Bless


#12

That’s because nobody considers it news unless fertility drugs or IVF is involved. The lady down the street who’s raised her family and suddenly finds herself with a ‘menopause baby’ doesn’t usually make the news. Enough women whose kids I went to school with found themselves pregnant in their mid 40s, usually to their great dismay, that I wouldn’t stop using NFP.

When I had an ultrasound done at 49 the technician pointed out eggs in various stages of maturity and told me that even if I had not had a period in a couple of months I was still ovulating.


#13

not unless she has already entered menopause. yes there may be other issues that need both a doctor’s care and a priest’s advice, if not a marriage counsellor but this is not the time to stop NFP. the dangers to her health are so grave with an IUD it is simply not an option. please at least urge her to research disinterested info on the IUD. NO it is not Wierd to get pregnant in your 40s, nor is it that unusual. Gals how many with thunderclap babies want to weigh in here?


#14

I never heard the term “thunderclap baby” before. I like it. :thumbsup:

Here are some stats from my own family. My Nonna had my /Dad at 46. That year her 45 and 44 year old sisters also had babies. No fertility drugs involved, as they didn’t exist 76 years ago. So apparently, lightening strikes more than once sometimes. :smiley:


#15

Both my parents came from families with late babies

Dad’s family
1918 - Uncle
1920 - Dad
1924-1926 - Aunt
1933 - Aunt - Grandma was so embarrased at being pregnant at 44 she didn’t leave the house until the baby was born

Mom’s family
1928 - Aunt
1930 - Aunt
1932 - Mom
1934 Uncle
1944 - Uncle. Grandma (43) had 3 built in babysitters that treated him like their doll. His life was pretty smooth!


#16

The advice to speak to a priest is good, but I want to clarify your understanding of what many have said in the past. That previous advice refers to non-abortifacient types of contraception. It comes from a document which the Church wrote for priests to aid them in administering wise advice in the Confessional. Before following it, one should take a very honest self-evaluation and speak to a good priest.
[/FONT]http://www.vatican.va/roman_curia/pontifical_councils/family/documents/rc_pc_family_doc_12021997_vademecum_en.html

  1. Special difficulties are presented by cases of cooperation in the sin of a spouse who voluntarily renders the unitive act infecund. In the first place, it is necessary to distinguish cooperation in the proper sense, from violence or unjust imposition on the part of one of the spouses, which the other spouse in fact cannot resist…
  2. Furthermore, it is necessary to carefully evaluate the question of cooperation in evil** when recourse is made to means which can have an abortifacient effect**.48

#17

Thank you all so much for your responses. The link to what Father Serpa said was most enlightening. I am trying to guide her along the right path but to no avail but will keep trying. Withholding sex here would destroy my marriage and I believe would ultimately be sinful So I will move on and try to slowly bring her back to what the church teaches.
Has the Magisterium come out with anything else in recent years addressing some of the new nuances with respect to contraceptives? I.e., the arbotifacient qualites of some cntraceptive devices and all that that entails?


#18

Something to think about, if her desire is to have sex any time she wants and you refuse to have relations with her if she has an IUD in place, it seems like she would realize that an IUD isn’t going to do what she wants it to do.

If she has had one child in all the years that she used NFP, she should know that it is a safe and reliable form of avoiding pregnancy. It does seem strange that she is suddenly so afraid of becoming pregnant at her age. Is she taking any sort of medication which would be harmful to a pregnancy? That’s the only thing I can think of that would trigger such a change in her attitude.


#19

[quote="dulcissima, post:18, topic:191031"]
Something to think about, if her desire is to have sex any time she wants and you refuse to have relations with her if she has an IUD in place, it seems like she would realize that an IUD isn't going to do what she wants it to do.

If she has had one child in all the years that she used NFP, she should know that it is a safe and reliable form of avoiding pregnancy. It does seem strange that she is suddenly so afraid of becoming pregnant at her age. Is she taking any sort of medication which would be harmful to a pregnancy? That's the only thing I can think of that would trigger such a change in her attitude.

[/quote]

Maybe she's realized she doesn't have the energy it takes to raise a baby anymore and that the odds of her having a special needs child, which would take even more energy, is scary to her. Maybe she realizes she's soon going to be in perimenoopause and menopause itself which is going to throw all kinds of cycles off kilter and is terrified of an "oops" baby.Maybe she simply feels done with kids and wants to be a wife and lover to her husband. IF her husband decides to refuse sex with her, I give it a year before she considers finding someone else who will.


#20

That wouldn’t be fear that you are peddling, would it?


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