I have been through a divorce. It is Hell.
First, realize that you cannot control your wife. If she is hell bent for leather to get a divorce, she will.
Second, all that talk about you getting a chance to turn it around, but she doesn’t think you can, is not meant for you - but for her. She is trying to justify it in her own mind and place the blame on you for having failed to “turn it around.”
Third, I agree with The Bucket that you need to be firm, but you should also remain loving and calm - even in the face of her screaming irrationality. Having been there, here’s my advice for speaking with her - all of these should be said, but not necessarily in any particular order (just as appropriate):
-Always start with “I love you for life,” and mean it, and also tell her what love is: the decision to will the best good for the beloved (and not some romantic feeling).
-Tell her that what she is doing is hurting you horribly and tearing you apart, and that she is making the conscious decision to hurt you. Don’t let her get away with it emotionally.
-Tell her, when appropriate, that her statements are clearly directed to justifying her actions in her own mind, and on trying to place the blame for her decisions onto you. Don’t let her get away with that.
-Tell her that you will not support a divorce and, even if the law is in her favor, you will oppose it because divorce is against GOD’S law.
-Tell her that scripture says that God hates divorce, and that divorcing you when you are trying to save the marriage MIGHT be eternally separating her from God because, without some pretty extreme justification, divorce is an occasion for mortal sin. Note: This statement must be offered in love - not as a threat. You literally are trying to save her from committing what may be, objectively speaking, a mortal sin.
-Tell her that there’s no such thing as an amicable divorce - “amicable divorce” is an oxymoron, an obvious paradox. Take it from a guy whose been there and who tried to have an “amicable divorce” - it just isn’t possible. There is NOTHING “amicable” (friendly) about separating what God has joined.
-Tell her that you will work with her to save the marriage, but you will not bow to her every whim and demand.
Fourth, I thought divorce would also solve my problems (I was married to a woman who decided to become an active homosexual - and we chose to separate so she could pursue her life). I figured I could find a new wife, a better wife. WRONG. Divorce did not solve my problems, it made them worse. Divorce was Hell. It did not make me happier.
Your wife is living in a fantasy if she thinks divorce will make her happier - and you should tell her that in so many words. Divorce is an emergency measure to protect someone from physical danger from an abusive spouse, or maybe a sham divorce to protect physical assets. Nothing short of that justifies divorce - AND I SAY THAT HAVING BEEN MARRIED TO AN ACTIVE HOMOSEXUAL.
Had I the chance to “do it over again” I would have sacrificed my sex life with my lesbian wife, if necessary, and fought with all my strength and prayer life to save my first marriage.
By the way: the pain of divorce, and my general lack of catechesis and prayer life led me a down a dark road of sexual promiscuity and sin for nearly 20 years. I ended up marrying an anti-Catholic woman for all the wrong reasons (though I did get a declaration of nullity from the Church for my first marriage).
However, a few years ago, the Grace of God came into my life and saved me from another divorce and, much worse, possibly eternal Hell itself. While my wife is still anti-Catholic, and while we still fight about me raising our kids Catholic (I insist), my changed attitude brought my second marriage back from the brink. She MIGHT even convert now.
I can’t promise you anything, and I certainly can’t control your wife. However, ultimately my advice boils down to this:
-Increase your own holiness. Go to confession regularly, pray the rosary daily, go to daily mass, and spend extra prayer time before the Blessed Sacrament. Convert your own heart, continually.
-Man up. Although you can’t control her, and while you should never denigrate or deliberately hurt your wife, you can and should call her on her shinnanigans and tell her what is really happening, what will happen, and, out of love for her, the possible eternal consequences of her actions.
I will pray for you.