Wife is OBESE


#1

Hi I don't normally post places but I am going nuts. My wife of 21 years used to be a real looker, slim fit long hair, nice to look at. She was so pretty when we got married everyone said so. Then about 17 years ago she started having kids and with each one she packed on about 10 pounds that she never lost. I know it happens and no one is 20 forever. But I take care of myself by going to the gym and not eating junk and I don't weigh more than 10 lbs more than I did when I was in my 20s (I'm in my 40s now.) My wife on the other hand oh my gosh.

We are Catholics and maybe not as crazy as some but we go to mass and I am a lector and my wife works with the youth group and confirmation kids because our kids are teenagers right now. So it is not like she just had a baby this year or anything. Our youngest is 13.

When we got married she was I think 21 and she weighed maybe 110 lbs and she is 5'2. She had a great figure what a fox she was. Now I know for sure she weighs at least 190 which is a lot of fat on that small body. She is really huge and honestly I am not attracted to that kind of thing.

She says she is busy and has no self control and hates the gym. I bought her a set of weights and videos to do at home. They are barely used. I signed her up for Weight Watchers and a woman's only gym. She let both memberships expire unused. I bought her an eliptical for Christmas in 2010 and it maybe has been turned on twice. This last christmas i bought her 12 sessions with a trainer and she has not even made one appointment. I bring home cookbooks about healthy eating and light cooking, and honestly her dinners arent that bad I don't know what she is doing while I'm at work. Sometimes I see fast food wrappers in her car and I know she hides candy and drinks Cokes. Frankly, I am tired to trying to get her to like be attractive and take care of herself.

She wants romance and I do try but what I am supposed to do with this huge lady? I love her as the mother of my kids and my wife but there is honestly zero attraction and I am repulsed by how far she's slipped and how she has let herself go. Its gross and I can't even get aroused because I feel like I am in bed with an elephant. You men will know you can't make it with a girl who is just too fat.

We had some good years but now I am about to walk out. I dont deserve this I did not marry a beast. She does NOT have a thyroid problem or a hormonal disorder because I made her have a complete workup in October and the doctor said she's fine but has high blood pressure and needs to lose weight. That was when she was 190 and I bet she has packed on even more since then because obviously she does not even care about herself or about how I feel to be seen with this person in public. Like, I've taken care of myself and worked hard and here I am just married to this massive beast of a woman.

Don't get me wrong I do love her. She is a good mom but has not enough energy because she is so big. She might be over 200 now who knows. How can I get her to fix this before I just give up? I know divorce is wrong and I guess that's why I am coming here because I can't talk about this to any of our friends.

I dont want to sound shallow but how do you stay married to someone whose looks are becoming repulsive and who does not even give a **** about changing that for you, or for her own health and sense of pride? She knows I love her and I don't want to leave I just want her to get down to like maybe 125 and be my girl again.

Thanks for your help and please I am not a jerk just sick of her not caring about herself and not caring if I am turned off by her size. She tries to initiate sex and I usually go with it but it takes so much mental work to get past the thighs and the gut and the hanging bossoms that I end up thinking of other ladies just to get an erection and I don't want to do that!


#2

I don't know what to tell you for advice, but my condolences. :(

inb4 rage


#3

You call the mother of your children an elephant and a beast?

You disgust me.

Don't divorce this woman. I honestly can't imagine another woman on the planet who would love you.


#4

You sir are going to get flamed. Just wait until RealJuliane shows up here. :popcorn:

Im positive you are a troll though, so you wont be around for long anyways.


#5

If a were a women married to a guy with your attitude I would stuff my face with junk food too. You have serious problems that you need to address on your own. You say that you are not a jerk and you do not want to sound superficial and maybe you are right but you sound exactly like a superficial jerk.


#6

I am going to give her a phone call right now and tell her to get here on CAF! :D:D:D


#7

Trial membership? Wife is a "beast"?

I smell a troll.


#8

This is a tricky situation and I'm sure your heart is in the right place. I do feel for you.

Often overeating can be an emotional reaction to something, or a number of things...if she thinks that you think of her as unattractive and a "beast", then it will probably exagerate her issues, rather than help. Try to avoid such negative thinking on your part.

So, all the memberships, equipment, diets, etc may be having an entirely counterproductive effect, I'm sorry to say. And any talk of divorce will not be the shock to kick her back into health, it would more likely be the final straw for her to give up on herself entirely.

For anyone who is grossly overweight, which it sounds like your wife is, the road back to health is hard. She will need to want it for herself. And she will need your support. She will need you to work through it with her, not be her coach instructing her what to be doing.

So how do you get her to want if for herself? I think the health angle is the best one to pursue. Assure her that you and the kids love her and want her to be around and healthy for a long time yet. Remind her of the possitive influence that you both as parents need to play in the kids lives, in terms of healthy eating and excercise...but again, keep it positive, not focussed on the negative. Negative emotions may push her back towards comfort eating. Positive emotions are much more likely to drive genuine change.

Good luck.


#9

Let us suppose that you really are on the up and up, because it is hardly as if no one here has heard this kind of thinking.

Hmmm. I think maybe I'd drop the weight thing and insist that she simply back off of doing too much and start taking care of herself. Try loving her for who she is and not what she can do for you. Start by reconsidering how she got to her present body weight.

Go get yourself some gallon milk jugs, hang them on yourself. Imagine adding a few ounces of water a day to those jugs. A gallon weighs just under 8 and a half pounds, so figure that every time your wife got pregnant, she had maybe four or five full milk jugs, maybe even six or more, hanging on her, every one of them full by the time the baby came, all those gallons of water slung around her middle and making her feet swell up and of course the pregnancy making her tired all of the time. Now, imagine that when each baby came, one of those water jugs that had come on to her did not come off. OK, so next pregnancy, add four or five or six jugs to that one left over from last time, and repeat. Now, give yourself a few kids to chase around. All of that is hanging on you 24 hours a day, and you see it in the mirror, and it's depressing. You can see where you might lose your original will to hit the courts? You'd want to see yourself in gym clothes about as much as a man in bankruptcy would want to see a bank book.

I think you'll see now that up until now, listening to you has been roughly akin to having had a job that paid $5,000 a year less than what you needed to get by on for six or eight years, running up a lot of credit card debt, and having only been able to make the payments on the cards ever since. You don't really feel particularly inspired by your friend with the perfect credit history who has never made a late payment and have always lived within his means because he's always made more money than he needed to live on. You don't really feel supported when they come around with a lot of financial planning books, telling you how you'd also be financially successful if you just knew what to do....never remembering that it is some of his debt that is on your credit cards. Hello!--if not for having sex with you and having your children n the first place, she might still weigh what she did in high school, too!

You say this isn't due to hormones? You are out of your mind. Of course it is due to hormones. If she'd never had your children, when would she have put all of that weight on? That's when she put it on, isn't it? So, since you're going to discard her, are you going to discard those teens of yours? Well, of course you are. Don't think you can ditch their mother because she isn't pretty enough for you and not give them exactly the impression of you that you would deserve. Get rid of her, lose them, if there is any justice in the world.

Now, step back and ask yourself: How would you treat this if she were a burn victim, if her unattractive features were something you weren't choosing to see as nothing other than her fault? What if she had a condition that you judged to be sufficient reason to deem her innocent of her lost looks, like maybe chemotherapy for cancer? Would you still feel tempted to leave her? Would you still be repulsed by her burned face or by the patchwork of hair left from her chemo?

Of course her weight problem ought to be of concern for you, but not for the reasons you are giving. You're not expressing love. You're expressing a frustrated sense of entitlement. Her weight is not healthy for her, but neither are the shameful messages of superiority that you're sending her way. The two together are going to wear her heart out, keep her from doing things she used to love to do, are going to give her aches and pains and make her tired and sad, inside and out. Taken altogether, it is degrading and depressing, and pretty much guarantees that she's beaten before she tries. As much as it pains you, you have to see that this all hurts her a lot more. Back when she was a "fox," I think that would have bothered you, wouldn't it, to know she had something that made her unhappy...and that you were making it worse?

I don't think you mean to do that. I think you just haven't understood why she is having so much trouble. Maybe you can concentrate on helping her with some habits that will help her feel better, and forget about the weight results. Start with helping her get enough sleep and doing those things that will lower her stress and help her to feel better about herself. Encourage her to get clothing that will help her feel pretty. Maybe see if you can get her to dance with you again, or go on walks hand-in-hand some places that you used to like to walk together. But be very patient with her. She's given and given and given, over the years. It is time to get her to feel as if maybe someone else in the family is willing to give to her without thought of return like she has, that she's worth that. Then see what happens.


#10

You gave her an elliptical for Christmas? You are fortunate she didn’t murder you.

She gave you children and you give her grief about her weight? Maybe if you showed some love she’d find it worth it to work at losing some weight.

I’m hoping you are a troll, because you are not a nice man at all, not one little bit.


#11

"A prophet is never accepted in his home town".

If you're actually concerned about her weight, take her to the doctor so she can listen to a professional.

And maybe try adding more romance without expecting any sexual favors in return. Women do enjoy being woo'd, and may be more receptive to anything you have to say if you treat them with respect and romance them without expecting anything in return.

But mostly, if you're actually concerned for her health, keep it in your pants and help her see a doctor.


#12

[quote="MushroomMan, post:1, topic:312394"]
Hi I don't normally post places but I am going nuts. My wife of 21 years used to be a real looker, slim fit long hair, nice to look at. She was so pretty when we got married everyone said so. Then about 17 years ago she started having kids and with each one she packed on about 10 pounds that she never lost. I know it happens and no one is 20 forever. But I take care of myself by going to the gym and not eating junk and I don't weigh more than 10 lbs more than I did when I was in my 20s (I'm in my 40s now.) My wife on the other hand oh my gosh...........

[/quote]

Ok some of these parts were too much detail. Next time a high level description will suffice but I think you might be venting out of frustration too so its better to do it here.

Now as for the solution, as Underacloud said, it is not easy.

What I will recommend is that you try to exercise with her. Don't ask her to do it alone. Schedule a time where you both can go to the gym for an example. Take her with you. Motivate each other.

Also, to lose weight, exercise is only 20% of the effort. The rest is all from controlling the food in-take. If the problem is with feeling hungry all the time, try to adjust for a 6 meal high protein diet. Don't buy any snacks. If you buy snacks, usually someone is going to eat them. Don't go for outings or have take out. YOU TOO should follow these though so that she doesn't feel alone in this.

Keep in mind that she might have tried everything you had given her but just felt disappointed because she didn't see any progress after putting effort. As I said before, losing weight is hard, especially for some people depending on the body type. So it can feel like "oh its never going to happen". Realize that and make sure you motivate each other. This is critical.

That being said, SHE IS YOUR WIFE!!!! Treat her with some respect and don't ever call her an elephant or a beast.

Also, come to grips with the fact that you didn't marry a hot body. You married a PERSON. So it is possible that she might have had a condition and she couldn't ever lose weight. If that were the case, YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH HER.

Now you said, "I don't feel attracted to her". Well that is OK. Love does not mean you have to want to have sex with her. Love is primarily in the will i.e. you choose to do good things for her. It can certainly be easy when you are super attracted to someone but that can't be it.

Think of her as your BEST FRIEND that you shared the most IMPORTANT things in your life.

And PRAY!! Ask God for the strength and ask God to give her the grace to exercise, not primarily because you want her to have an attractive body but because she should first be HEALTHY!!!!

P.S. Think beyond sex for a bit and treat her as your best friend as I said. When you hit the gym, think of it as hitting the gym with your best buddy. Enjoy it, have fun, smile. Your post, now that I think of it, only seems to analyze your wife in terms of her ability to arouse you. Just pay attention to other things.


#13

[quote="underacloud, post:8, topic:312394"]
This is a tricky situation and I'm sure your heart is in the right place. I do feel for you.

Often overeating can be an emotional reaction to something, or a number of things...if she thinks that you think of her as unattractive and a "beast", then it will probably exagerate her issues, rather than help. Try to avoid such negative thinking on your part.

So, all the memberships, equipment, diets, etc may be having an entirely counterproductive effect, I'm sorry to say. And any talk of divorce will not be the shock to kick her back into health, it would more likely be the final straw for her to give up on herself entirely.

For anyone who is grossly overweight, which it sounds like your wife is, the road back to health is hard. She will need to want it for herself. And she will need your support. She will need you to work through it with her, not be her coach instructing her what to be doing.

So how do you get her to want if for herself? I think the health angle is the best one to pursue. Assure her that you and the kids love her and want her to be around and healthy for a long time yet. Remind her of the possitive influence that you both as parents need to play in the kids lives, in terms of healthy eating and excercise...but again, keep it positive, not focussed on the negative. Negative emotions may push her back towards comfort eating. Positive emotions are much more likely to drive genuine change.

Good luck.

[/quote]

:thumbsup: Good answers. The answer is similar to other issues of this nature. She may only make the changes, when and if SHE wants/needs to make the changes. Be supportive and try not use negative words about her. She may be having a great deal of difficulty expressing other serious problems to you because she can't understand them herself. Please, be patient and love her.


#14

As a woman who has had 4 kids and is in the obese category, your post ..... words are beyond me. I will though on the outside chance that you actually want to know how to help your wife, share a little bit of my experiences.

Has your wife been checked for PCOS? Many doctors do not check for this. Typical symptoms are weight gain, 2-3 times harder to lose weight, irregular cycles, painful cycles, excess hair growth or hair loss, skin tags,and a few other things. Many women also suffer from infertility or miscarriages with this condition. I am one of the lucky ones in that I do have children although we have suffered through miscarriages, too.

As for the weight, she knows that she is overweight. She doesn't like it. It is overwhelming, and it seems like nothing that you do works. You give up. I would love for my husband to go for a walk with me. From how you wrote, I don't know if you would want to be seen walking with her. She may know that. Try to reconnect with her.

I will pray for you all. Pray for your wife.


#15

I think you need to make fitness a family thing. Don't single her out because it will just make her feel worse. People usually eat to hide their emotions, because of stress, etc. She already has high blood pressure and a very high BMI--she needs to lose weight for health reasons. She knows she is overweight and probably knows you aren't very attracted to her anymore which makes her feel even worse.

Take walks outside after dinner. Play sports together as a family, especially on weekends. Baseball, basketball, soccer, volleyball... get her moving and it will instill good habits on her and the kids. Don't have junk food in the house. Regular soda is especially bad because it has empty calories, and diet sodas have artificial sweeteners that trick your body into producing insulin which makes you crave sugar. So all sodas need to go (don't let the "diet" label trick you). Have a glass or two of juice but everyone's primary beverage needs to be WATER.

I have recently started watching The Biggest Loser and they talk about all sorts of issues related to losing weight. The people who get picked go to the ranch and of course everyone wants to stay as long as possible in order to work with the trainers (and win the prize money) but the people who end up most successful with their weight loss after the show seem to be the ones who get their whole family involved, even those who are of a healthy weight.

Also, your wife may need counseling. Weight/food can be something people hide behind to deal with things and maybe she isn't ready to go on an intense exercise program or anything just yet. She probably has really low self-esteem, and needs your support and encouragement.


#16

[quote="yellowbird, post:3, topic:312394"]
You call the mother of your children an elephant and a beast?

You disgust me.

Don't divorce this woman. I honestly can't imagine another woman on the planet who would love you.

[/quote]

look sir, while i agree that he shouldnt call his wife those names, it is certainly also his wife's fault to a considerable degree. physical beauty is important too. and our faith demands that we take care of our bodies too. it is especially the responsibility of a husband and wife to be sexy for eachother. as it says in scrtipture, after marriage your body is no longer your own. your body belongs to your wife and your wife's body belongs to you. therefore it is both of your respnsibilities to try to be attractive for your spouse.
now, ofcourse if one of them has some sort of medical condition which prevents them from exercising, or if they are depressed which causes them to overeat then ofourse its excusable to be obese.
but if your wife or husband is fat just because they dont care then that is extremely selfish of them. because they basically say to you that food is worth more to them than you are.,


#17

[quote="someperson555, post:16, topic:312394"]
look sir, while i agree that he shouldnt call his wife those names, it is certainly also his wife's fault to a considerable degree. physical beauty is important too. and our faith demands that we take care of our bodies too. it is especially the responsibility of a husband and wife to be sexy for eachother. as it says in scrtipture, after marriage your body is no longer your own. your body belongs to your wife and your wife's body belongs to you. therefore it is both of your respnsibilities to try to be attractive for your spouse.
now, ofcourse if one of them has some sort of medical condition which prevents them from exercising, or if they are depressed which causes them to overeat then ofourse its excusable to be obese.
but if your wife or husband is fat just because they dont care then that is extremely selfish of them. because they basically say to you that food is worth more to them than you are.,

[/quote]

More important than the obligation to be physically attractive is the obligation to treat your partner with love, respect, patience, kindness, and generosity. If treating your spouse with basic dignity has fallen to the wayside, don't be surprised when everything else, including looks do too.


#18

I refuse to believe that this poster is doing anything more than trolling. Otherwise, I would have to conclude that there are husbands out there like this and I'm not prepared to see mankind as being that hopeless. Grow up poster! :mad:


#19

I'd have her checked for sleep apnea. Many drs ignore this very serious condition. What was her TSH? Thyroid anti bodies? Glucose? ALT? What where her Vit D levels? Her iron?

I always wonder what Docs consider "normal"...


#20

[quote="Cathhsmom, post:14, topic:312394"]
As a woman who has had 4 kids and is in the obese category, your post ..... words are beyond me. I will though on the outside chance that you actually want to know how to help your wife, share a little bit of my experiences.

Has your wife been checked for PCOS? Many doctors do not check for this. Typical symptoms are weight gain, 2-3 times harder to lose weight, irregular cycles, painful cycles, excess hair growth or hair loss, skin tags,and a few other things. Many women also suffer from infertility or miscarriages with this condition. I am one of the lucky ones in that I do have children although we have suffered through miscarriages, too.

As for the weight, she knows that she is overweight. She doesn't like it. It is overwhelming, and it seems like nothing that you do works. You give up. I would love for my husband to go for a walk with me. From how you wrote, I don't know if you would want to be seen walking with her. She may know that. Try to reconnect with her.

I will pray for you all. Pray for your wife.

[/quote]

Sorry to hijack, but what goes into being checked for PCOS? I have had several of the symptoms, aside from infertility and miscarriage. Our insurance is decent, but not that great. Is it a big, involved thing to be checked for PCOS? My issues are ... well, let's just say that a hysterectomy has been suggested at various times, but it's not something I want to do if I can help it.


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