Ok, so I’ve been married for about 6 years, we have three kids who we love. my wife has been in love with this other guy for about 8 1/2 years or so, since before we were even dating. This is something we’ve talked about and struggled with our entire marriage, though the first few years it was more felt than spoken of… I knew going into it that something wasn’t quite right that maybe we needed more time to be sure, but I was in love with her and afraid of losing her too, also she was sure we were ready and I kind of trusted that if she was sure everything would be great.
Everything is great, except she still feels like she’s in love with this other guy, a guy who I now know and like and I trust them both. He’s also married and I think that their marriage could be a mirror image of ours the way things seem. They (my wife and this guy) are really fantastic jazz musicians and were in a band together before we knew each other and dated too, now the last year or so they have reunited musically and have been gigging like three times a week, I know the whole band and they’re great guys and am not worried that anything is going to happen as far as physical romance, kissing or worse., but I know these feelings are there and it sometimes feels like torture when she’s out with the band and I’m home watching the kids, she comes home late at night and I hardly see her weekends, I feel like we have little time together and she has ample time with her band. When we’re together we’re trying to get through stressful stuff and taking care of business and when she’s with them she’s having fun and getting fulfillment from feeling like she’s using her talents.
She keeps a journal and doesn’t mind when I read it, it’s full of her struggles with this unwanted feeling of love for the other guy, most recently she wrote in that they spoke of how things could’ve been had shed not quit their band back in the day and how she felt like it was just code for what might’ve been romantically…
at the moment we’ve basically agreed that she’s tried to stop loving him for all this time and it hasn’t worked, that maybe it’s just not going to happen. So I said just love him and love me, try to love him as a close friend. Just so long as she loves me and stays true to her vows everything will hopefully work out… I just feel like there’s not enough room for the both of us though, and don’t know what to do. If I say she needs to stop singing with them then she’ll be bitter and unfulfilled in that part of her life for sure, she’s wanted this for a long time… So my question is, am I a fool or a loving understanding husband and how do you think I should proceed??? any advice or anyone who’s been through something similar please let me know!