I’m a wife and a mother of three almost grown boys. I have tried to make the most of a difficult marriage and to raise my children in the arms of the Church. For over a decade, I taught high school CCD. I have obeyed the laws of the Church to the best of my ability. I have trusted God and I really thought that I always loved Him with everything in me. When my mother was dying, I took her into my home and I cared for her. Grateful to have had the opportunity to do so, I was able to let go of her and entrust her to the hands of God. I prayed for her everday for almost two years. I trusted God in the little things and in the big things. Then, something happened.
A part of me that I always repressed, that part that I refused to allow to fantasize about escaping my life by the means of a needle in my arm, couldn’t be silenced any longer. I can’t explain how it happened. An unknown anxiety grew in me as the desire insisted that I confront it. Peculiar panic attacks struck me. I was always someone who didn’t worry. Suddenly, I had no peace and I could no longer hear the Christian music that I had always enjoyed while walking in the morning. Then, my father was diagnosed with bone marrow cancer. At first I was shocked and apalled that my first thought was to wonder what pain medicine he would be prescribed. I berated myself, but didn’t worry very long because I knew that to use a medication not prescribed to me would be a line that I would never, ever cross. But, I did.
In November of 2008, I lied to my father. I somehow knew that the pills would calm the anxiety that had taken over my life. Although my thoughts obsessed on the pills, I couldn’t seek counseling. That would be too shameful. Nobody could know! I had always professed that God was more than sufficient. My children would cease to believe. I would have failed in my responsibility to be a witness for Christ. If only 15mg of hydrocodone hadn’t immediately fixed everything! I thought that I was safe because I wasn’t given enough pills to become addicted, little did I know that there’s a difference between addiction and dependency. I was addicted that very first day and physical dependency was not far behind.
In a matter of two months, I went from 0mg of an opioid to needing 110mg or else I would get dope sick. From the very beginning, I obsessed about the pills every day. When my little supply ran out, I stole from my father. Then, I lied to my doctor and then to my father’s. I immediately became someone I never was. Yet, I couldn’t stop, always sure that just another couple days and what had broken in my world, God would put back together and I wouldn’t need the pills anymore. My world stayed broken and the pills stopped working. I was taking so many that I couldn’t lie enough to keep up with what I needed to not get sick. The anxiety when you’re dope sick is horrible. You feel as though you’re going to die.
I’m in counseling now. I’m on an opioid replacement therapy (for those of you unfamiliar… think something like methadone). I’ve gotten a sponsor in AA. Still, my family doesn’t know. I lie to go to meetings. I have spent all my personal savings on drug replacement doctor. I’m so, so ashamed of myself. The reason that I’m coming here is because I got the idea at Church today… to look for a group of Catholics who might be willing to help me. I have a terrible problem in overcoming my addiction…
I don’t trust God.
At first, I begged God to take this addiction from me. I told Him how very sorry I am. I didn’t mean this to happen. I just felt like I had to do something to quiet my head, which the pills did. But, He hasn’t taken it away. I want to trust Him. But, I can’t. Trusting Him would mean being able to tell my family what I am, confident that if they didn’t understand that He’d stay by me.
I have to trust God to do the Second and the Third step of the AA program.
Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
I believe with all my heart that God CAN restore me to sanity. I just know that there are those whom He allows to remain in their insanity, even if only long enough to teach them something. The thought of asking Him and Him leaving me here, devastates me.
Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him
All I can think is that my life was in His hands before this all happened. I’m afraid of what might come next.
Any words of wisdom? I’m lost. I’m confused. Please help! I don’t know how to trust God again.