Wife wants a divorce


#1

My non Catholic wife of eleven months today told me she wants a divorce. I would appreciate any prayers.


#2

Can you ask her to go to counseling with you? catholictherapists.com

I am so sorry. You and your wife will certainly be in my prayers.


#3

Prayers, of course, but could you be more specific so our prayers can be properly directed? What’s the problem?–if you feel open to discussing it on an open discussion forum, that is.


#4

I am so sorry. Divorce is never fun, never easy and how could this just come out of the blue? What happenned? We will pray for you but how should we direct our prayers?


#5

I had to go back to my notebook from my undergraduate “Marriage and Family” for this one. My professor was somewhat of an airplane buff, so we got ALOT of metaphores like that. Im writing this from my notes, some of which i can’t read now so bear with me…

Marriage is like being given a 747 jumbo let. It is so oddly shaped that it requires powerful computers just to make it fly straight. Now imagine, your new plane has NO COMPUTERS, or NO TECHNICIANS for maintenance.

A plane like that requires hours maintenance for every 1 hour of flight(?). With no computers, BOTH the pilot and co-pilot HAVE to keep both hands on the controls, and TRUST and RELY on each other. If one person slides on their share of maintenance, then the flight becomes rocky and unstable.

On the Catholic side, GOD can become an army of technicians FOR you, and also help steady your hands at the controls. (we were taught that “mutual giving and complete respect” is this, but i’ll substitute what we know really holds a marriage together).

God in your marriage can restore the “fly-by-wire”(?) of your airplane, meaning that there is always a “guiding presence” in your marriage.

as “pilots” AND “technicians”, you have to COMMUNICATE what you think might be wrong with the aircraft, otherwise nothing gets fixed.

she probably has in some way tried, but through no fault of your own, you misunderstood or did not hear.

The key is to have many “briefings”, in which your thoroughly discuss your “targets” and “objectives”, always honestly and sincerely voicing concerns and ideas as how you think is best to proceed, while ALWAYS giving much weight to the other person’s perspective.

MAINTENANCE, MAINTENANCE,MAINTENANCE, is the key. If she gives up her share, then you in turn giving up your share will make the plane go down even that much faster.

try thinking of your marriage as this 50(?) million $ plane, and try treating it with the upmost care you would a delicate piece of machinery such as that.

try talking to her. REALLY talking. find out what she thinks is wrong, and try and get her to voice HOW she would like it to be fixed.

there isnt a whole let a person can do from the internet, but i figured a fresh perspective might help you to gain insight and a new idea.


#6

Thanks for all the replies. Economics and truth. My wife feels I have not been truthful with her about economics and feel that I cannot provide for her and son. I had a bad year in my business.


#7

How old is your son??

                      ~ Kathy ~

#8

Divorce should only be inforced if one spouse is committing adultery, but you can not force her to stay with you so my advice would be to let her arrange the whole divorce and tell her that you do not want to take part in it, but your going to co-operate because you legally have to.


#9

[quote=melbourne_guy]Divorce should only be inforced if one spouse is committing adultery, but you can not force her to stay with you so my advice would be to let her arrange the whole divorce and tell her that you do not want to take part in it, but your going to co-operate because you legally have to.
[/quote]

I dont’ even think adultery is a good reason for annulment, is it? Not as far as I was taught…but that’s just me.;.

micatholic – I will pray for your wife’s maturity and understanding here, that she might see the true necessitites in life; as well as for your own suffering thru this.


#10

yes jesus said you can divorce only if one commits adultery. which is fair enough.


#11

[quote=melbourne_guy]Divorce should only be inforced if one spouse is committing adultery, but you can not force her to stay with you so my advice would be to let her arrange the whole divorce and tell her that you do not want to take part in it, but your going to co-operate because you legally have to.
[/quote]

A valid marriage can under no circumstances whatsoever, be dissolved.
Couples can only divorce legally, but their sacramental marriage only ends when one spouse dies.

G.


#12

#13

Thank you all for the kind words. You have no idea how much better I feel reading all of this. Wow. I will pray for each and every one of you who responded to this.


#14

[quote=melbourne_guy]yes jesus said you can divorce only if one commits adultery. which is fair enough.
[/quote]

Where did Jesus say this? I always thought that there were never grounds for an annulment unless there was abuse or some other evidence that it was never a valid marriage to begin with. :confused:


#15

Sounds like your wife has baggage from a previous experience that includes fear about money and provisions. Either that, or she believes she deserves to have the “best” of everything for herself, and neglected to hear the part of the marriage vows that say, “…for worse”. In any case, pray to St. Anthony, and Our Lady of Perpetual Help. Pray to St. Joseph, spouse and provider of Jesus, who still was only able to give a simple carpenter’s wage to the blessed mother and our saviour, Jesus Christ. No matter what, love them, never say hurtful things if possible, and take this suffering to the King of all Sufferers, Jesus himself. Only by imitating Jesus can you get through this.

God bless you and keep you and your family,
-Amy


#16

Your wife needs to understand that the vows said for richer or poorer. my husband opened his own business within weeks of our marriage and it has been tough, I have had to be the financial provider for our family. There was a month that he only brought home 45 dollars for the whole month after expenses. and yes it was frightening and frustrating and scary and i was angry but the whole thing is I had to stand behind him and support him and have faith that one day it will all be worth it. There has literally been weeks where we have eaten top ramen. we sold our television and vcr and dvd’s to get groceries and keep the lights on. but it didnt matter, we loved each other enough. once when our power did get shut off i didnt want him to feel bad so when he came home i had candles lit every where. I was going to pay the bill the next day and i didnt want him to feel bad so i made him think i was just trying to be romantic. its not so bad anymore. we dont have to pawn things for grocery money. he has a night job to help support us and that money really gets us through. we dont have money for extras. Our anniversary is this sunday and we are just gonna have it at home like we did valentines day. some might think thats sad but for us its just perfect. it will get better. everyone struggles, especially when you are newlywed. Thats what being married is all about, loving each other no matter what. at least you are working, there are a lot of men who wont even work to support their families. I will pray for you and your wifes understanding and openmindedness

[quote=micatholic]Thanks for all the replies. Economics and truth. My wife feels I have not been truthful with her about economics and feel that I cannot provide for her and son. I had a bad year in my business.
[/quote]


#17

Sounds like your wife is looking for a meal-ticket. I had a near sister-in-law like that. Fortunately my brother-in-law caught onto it as they were discussing marriage (she was insisting he add her son onto his insurance policies and declare him beneficiary of his life insurance as conditions for marrying him, even though the father of the son was still providing financially for him and she was not allowing my brother-in-law to adopt the boy).

Thing is, you are married now, so what’s done is done and you have to take it from here.

Question: Did you marry in the Catholic Church? In other words, are you sacramentally married to her or just civilly married?

If your marriage was not Catholic then in the eyes of the Church your time the past 11 months has been in adultery anyway. This makes divorce a non-issue for you spiritually. You can cut your losses, let her go (of course have her file for the divorce), then go to confession and promise to get it right next time. The emotionally damage will be the same no matter what, unfortunately, and for that, prayer will help loads.

If your marriage is Catholic and sacramental for you, then the challenge is more difficult. You are obliged to try to work things out as much as possible. If, despite everything, she still insists on a divorce, again, she needs to be the one to do all the filing. Once the divorce is final then you’ll need to seek an annulment (seems to me that upon investigation there will be something that will qualify for one to be granted - something seems fishy about the whole thing on her part). Until you receive the annulment you must live your life as if you are still married, since you are, technically. Honor all the vows, and we will continue to pray for you.

I am truly sorry for your troubles.


#18

[quote=micatholic]Thanks for all the replies. Economics and truth. My wife feels I have not been truthful with her about economics and feel that I cannot provide for her and son. I had a bad year in my business.
[/quote]

Does she have a point? Have you been honest with her about finances? If not, she may have some very valid concerns–not that I’m suggesting the appropriate first response is divorce.

Are the concerns about providing basics and paying the bills or are you living in an expensive/affluent area and she feels “deprived” because she doesn’t drive a new Lexus or get out to dinner every weekend like when you were dating? There is a big difference. Perhaps she would be reassured by learning more about your business and becoming more of a partner in financial decision making in a way that hasn’t occurred yet because of the newness of your marriage.

On a very basic level, if her concerns center on finances–have you asked her how she thinks a divorce will do anything other than further complicate that aspect of her life?! Does she have any way or means to support herself and the child? How was she doing so before your marriage? Does she have the ability to contribute financially until your business stabilizes and becomes more profitable?

Another question which comes to mind is since you’ve only been married 11 months–is the child in question from a previous relationship of your wife’s? If so, is she receiving support for the child from the biological father?


#19

I should ammend my earlier advice…

It was unclear in the original post whether the son mentioned is yours or hers from perhaps a previous marriage/relationship.

If the child is yours, then that complicates matters, as his needs supercede any of yours or your wife’s. Everything must be done to establish a solid foundation for the upbringing of this child, with loving and responsible adult parents. That means the two of you should get to counseling ASAP to figure out what’s really going on here so that you can fix it for the sake of the son.

You also didn’t indicate whether or not your wife’s accusations were valid…which means counseling, still, needs to be pursued to get a clear handle on what’s going on.

If your marriage is not Catholic and sacramental, because you have a son, I would recommend you doing whatever you need to to have the marriage validated by the Church. I’m hoping you are raising your son in the Catholic faith.


#20

She is able to support herself. She has a six figure salary. However, I work on commission and have significant made significant sums in past years… Not this year. We agreed to split all of the household expenses of which I could not afford this year. Several pending deals but none closed. I have been honest with her lately. However, in the past, I got defensive and said some mean things which I apologized for, I told her I would reimburse her for my share of expenses this year. I was not dishonest but not forthcoming. I admitted my mistakes and have not done it since. The child is not mine. He is hers from a previous relationship. We dated for 4 years and have been married for 11 months so I have helped raise the child.


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