Wife Went Astray...


#1

ive have been browsing around the forum for some time, both here and in Australia. I am hesitant to throw problems out for everyone to see, but mine seems unresovable. My problem is that i am a professional diver, contracted out to oil companies, salvage companies, you name it, i dive for it. this may lead me to be away for a month or more from time to time. about once a year.

about 7 months ago, i went to australia for 6 weeks to dive for a company based there to help recover lost sonar equipment. it was a very deep dive, and the hazard pay alone was enough to cover an entire year for my wife and i.

every dive like that, we must get a physical, urine samples, ect, even a prostate exam, which our company physician requires a “no sex” period of 2 weeks.

my wife is exactly 7 months pregnant, and being that we did not have sexual relations from 2 weeks before i left, to after i returned, i cant be the father. my doctor agrees as well.

divers like myself often have very, very low fertility during work months because of the enormous pressures at large depths. my doc told me i have about a 1 in 10,000 chance of being able to father a child after a serious dive.

it wasnt about until about a month ago, when the OB told us exactly how far along she was, i realized that i couldnt be the father. i said that it is not possible. once i told her that i was a deep diver, and when i was in australia, the look on her face was enough to tell me. up until then i assumed she was around 4 or 5 months, and was very happy to be getting another diver on the way.

my wife finally admitted to having an affair 2 weeks after i left for australia. ts not like i am away all the time, in fact i am home quite alot. its just sporadic periods of heavy work. she says she was just “weak”. i was devastated, and i left home for about 2 weeks to stay with a diver buddy of mine in texas. i

i have since returned home, and have begun to try to reconcile this. she wants to keep (care for) the baby, however, i do not want to raise a child that is the result of an affair. as i see it, the man wo she had an affair with should be responsible. we have talked separation, however, she does not work, so id have to pay child support fror a child that is not mine.

i do consider myself a striving catholic, however i think my limit has been reached. i simply do not want to raise a child that was conceived from her lack of judgement and complete betrayal.

my local preist has suggested professional counseling, which i have and am doing.

reconciliation does not seem possible because she is deat set on raising the child in our home, and i refuse. it seems like my choices are 1) singe the rest of my life, or 2) raise a child that is my wife’s and another man’s. is there any way that this can be resolved?


#2

I can hear the pain in your post and how fresh the betrayal still feels to you. I’m so sorry you have been hurt in this way and I pray that God is speedy in healing your heart.

I’m really glad to hear that you are receiving professional counseling. Is this from a Catholic therapist? I ask only because I think it’s really important to make sure we are being guided during these emotionally vulnerable times by a professional who understands exactly where you stand in terms of your faith, and the sanctity you place upon your marriage. If you are not speaking to a Catholic professional, please consider referencing catholictherapists.com and finding one in your area who can help you on the journey of healing and forgiveness.

You may not feel you are ready to forgive yet because perhaps you’re worried that your wife will simply forget your pain and move on, joyfully caring for a baby that you consider not your own. While you did not provide the genetic coding and the biological material to create this little soul, you are one flesh with your wife. When you married each other, you became one flesh before the Lord. What is of her body is of yours in God’s sight. This might take time to accept as it pertains to this situation.

This does not mean the pain you feel at her betrayal is not real. It is very real and it is justified. But you married each other for better or for worse, and while this happened during your away time, adultery doesn’t just “happen.” There are always underlying issues and there is never just one partner at fault. Is your wife open to counseling as well? She especially needs to process what motivated her to go to that level and what she can do to keep it from happening again.

While you work through your mixed feelings and the anxiety over possibly raising this baby in your own home, please keep in mind that the child is blameless. This precious soul will be utterly dependent upon your wife, and possibly, you. He or she will have no defense and will need to be loved and nurtured, despite the sins of his mother or biological father. Please, please don’t hold this child accountable. If you decide to accept this child into your home, please love him or her without reserve, recognizing that your feelings are due to the betrayal of your WIFE.


#3

I cannot give any better advice than what was above given. However, I would add a thought to what was said. If you listen to enough Dr. Laura you will hear her refer to bio-dads and fathers. Fathers are much more rare and precious and you now have the opportunity to be a Father to this child. Yes, he will be a reminder of your wives infidelity but even after the crucifixion the wounds remained on Christ’s body and he loves us no less for our infidelity.

I cannot imagine what you are suffering and all I can recommend is that you take this moral ill and make good from it. In this circumstance you will have the ability to mirror the Divine Father who is able to take our sinfullness and make good come from it. Remember, where sin abounds Grace abounds all the more.


#4

As difficult as it will be, you need to stay and raise that child. The child is in no way responsible for his/her condition and is a special creation willed into creation by God. If I were in your shoes, and if my wife were truly repentent about the whole situation, while realizing that things will never be the same between us, I would look upon that child not as the product of sin, not through the lense of adultery, but as a child of God. I would try to use St. Joseph who raised Jesus as a foster father as a guide to help me. In time, you will see if your wife is truly repentent, and your overcoming the wound by such a gracious attitude of forgiveness and love for the child will actually give you a strong sense of self-respect and bring you closer to God because you know that overcoming suffering always makes us stronger. In fact, this would REALLY increase my feelings of self-respect because I cannot think of many more difficult things to endure than this. Try to think of this as an opportunity to accomplish something really BIG with your life, somethig very few are ever asked to endure. My prayers are with you.


#5

In addition to the good advice already offered, take some time to prayerfully read the Old Testament book of Hosea, and then reflect that we are all Gomer.

– Mark L. Chance.


#6

While the best and most moral solution may be to raise the child as your own, it sounds like you are not emotionally ready for that. Separating–living apart–before the baby is born might give you enough distance for you (and your wife) to really come to terms with this situation. I suspect that you gave us the abbreviated version of your lilfe. For example, if you have other children (which I sense you do as this baby was “another diver on the way”), then you need to consider what they know and how they deal with this situation. You do have other options than just raising this child as your own–you could divorce (though remarriage without annulment is not acceptable in the Catholic Church), or your wife could place the child for adoption. You certainly have a right to feel deceived and betrayed, and you should take the time to grieve for your losses and to decide what you are going to do. God bless you.


#7

I agree that it is too soon for you to be making the hard decisions and it’s great you are getting professional help to sort out your feelings. IF you get to a place where you decide to be father to this child, then you have a right to impose some conditions i.e. this man not be contacted again, etc. does the other guy know about the child being his? If so, you may have to be prepared that he may always be a part of your lives as the child grows.

You do not have to pay child support on a child you can prove you are not the father of. I know in Australia this can be done without the mother’s consent. The fact she has admitted it and the doctor knows it is not yours may be enough even without a paternity test.

I understand this is a very difficult time for you with the birth of this child being imminent. Do you have other children?

Aso, don’t blame your job for this. There are plenty of women, me included, who have husbands who travel without getting ‘weak’.


#8

Whatever your wife did or did not do, the child is not guilty. Every child is entitled to and needs two loving parents.

I recommend love and prayer. In your shoes I would say nothing, and accept the child as my own.


#9

[quote=Diver_Zero]reconciliation does not seem possible because she is deat set on raising the child in our home, and i refuse. it seems like my choices are 1) singe the rest of my life, or 2) raise a child that is my wife’s and another man’s. is there any way that this can be resolved?
[/quote]

Hi, my friend. I use to do divorces as an attorney. Maybe I can say a few words of wisdom.

First, in a prayer, tell God that you are filled with rage, and that you need His help to have a good attitude toward all of this. He will answer the prayer.

Next, your wife probably doesn’t understand how you feel. When a man has an affair, the wife doesn’t think, “Ugh! He had his genitals in her!” She thinks, “Is there a relationship???!!!”

When a woman has an affair, the husband doesn’t think, “Does she love him!!!” The husband thinks, “Yuck! That pig had his genitals in her – and he left a receipt!!!”

This takes a LONG, LONG time for the man to get over.

Probably, her making the demand she makes at this time is dead wrong. She should be in Church, praying, praying, praying, praying, and giving YOU the power to make decisions.

Next, GOD may have placed this little one in YOUR house because you are there, and in spite of your wife’s presence there. In other words, God may want this little one tooling around after you. God is a smart guy.

Next, remember these golden words. I never forget them: “I, too, am an a-----e!”

Believe me, you are.

I advised one couple, in one of my cases, to try to believe that their first few years of marriage were really dating years, that the husband had “fooled around” (with 3 girls) because even though he had said “I do,” he wasn’t married yet.

It worked! They are together, and happy, today.

I hope that these concepts help to put your mind in order.


#10

[quote=La Chiara]While the best and most moral solution may be to raise the child as your own, it sounds like you are not emotionally ready for that. Separating–living apart–before the baby is born might give you enough distance for you (and your wife) to really come to terms with this situation. I suspect that you gave us the abbreviated version of your lilfe. For example, if you have other children (which I sense you do as this baby was “another diver on the way”), then you need to consider what they know and how they deal with this situation. You do have other options than just raising this child as your own–you could divorce (though remarriage without annulment is not acceptable in the Catholic Church), or your wife could place the child for adoption. You certainly have a right to feel deceived and betrayed, and you should take the time to grieve for your losses and to decide what you are going to do. God bless you.
[/quote]

As a child from a broken home I can assert with the fullness of my being that divorce is nto a viable option when children are involved. I only could wish that my parents had been adult enough to stick through the “good times and the bad times” at least for the sake of myself and my little brother. This would be adding an even greater problem to an already serious existing problem.


#11

Anyone else think it’s wrong that everyone is telling this man he needs to be a father to this child? I think it’s unrealistic to expect him to forive and accept parenting this child after just one month. Without knowing the role the bio-dad will play, it’s also hard to comment fairly. If he can parent the child, that’s very big of him, if he can’t, it’s not his fault and doesn’t make him any less of a person. No, it’s not the child’s fault but it’s not his either.

A relationship needs to be based on trust. If that’s gone and there are no other children involved, if the wife ends up a single mother, she has made her bed, let her lie in it and let the biodad be the one to step up and take responsibility for HIS child and being the second parent.

I don’t think it would be so simple for a lot of posters if it were them in the middle of this. I’m not sure I could accept a child my husband fathered outside our marriage. It would be a constant reminder that I couldn’t trust him.


#12

[quote=mumto5]I think it’s unrealistic to expect him to forive and accept parenting this child after just one month.
[/quote]

God expects him to forgive; therefore, the expectation is not unrealistic.

[quote=mumto5]A relationship needs to be based on trust.
[/quote]

Exactly. And, if his marriage vows were anything like mine, he promised to honor, et cetera, for better or worse, in sickness or in health, until death. Nothing could make me betray my wife’s trust in the solidity of these vows. I don’t think it unreasonable to advise others to do the same.

When faced with horrible situations, it is important to examine the principles that we as Catholics must uphold. One of those principles is that marriage between a man and wife is permanent unto death.

The wife’s actions - however unfortunate - do not negate this principle.

Again, please read the Old Testament book of Hosea. Just as their are no limits to God’s love, neither are there to be with ours. Just as God always takes back his unfaithful people, so to must we always forgive and reconcile. As the Apostle Paul notes, we are ministers of reconciliation.

– Mark L. Chance.


#13

[quote=Princess_Abby]. When you married each other, you became one flesh before the Lord. What is of her body is of yours in God’s sight.
[/quote]

by this token, the man whom she had sex with then committed rape because the husband did not give consent for his wife’s body. therefore, the child, as a product of rape, can be, and should be, put up for adoption to another couple.

if it were me, id be out the door. adultery is given a reason for divorce, and you have full admittal, and even genetic testing if you want. id divorce as allowed by the bible, and go back to australia and let your wife deal with her own mistakes. you dont owe the child a single thing.

regardless, the other father can be forced to pay child support, even if no money is needed. but also face facts that he will probably receive visiting rights as well, or even joint custody.

most state laws assume the husband is the biological father, unless given evidence otherwise. so it will be important when the child is born who is listed as the father.

man, this isnt a cool situation.


#14

but the bible does allow for divorce with adultery, and therefore he may divorce her and leave. he may not REMARRY, but he is certainly free to leave her on her own. the marriage may be permanent, but he is not required to actually stay around and live through this.

why else would jesus say that adultery is grounds for divorce? if jesus said it, we cannot look down upon this man because if God said it, then its OK to do. while the higher road may be to forgive, it is still morally acceptable to walk away, divorce, and never remarry.


#15

Joseph raised and loved as his own a child who was not biologically his, he is the saint you should be praying to. Try Retrouvaille for your marriage, but don’t abandon the counselling. Your wife needs help if she is “weak” and can only be trusted if you are at home all the time. There was a lot more behind her affair than being weak, and you both need to discover what it is and heal it.


#16

Just something to think about…

People screw up. Adultery hurts, no doubt about that.

would you stay with wife if she had screwed up but not gotten pregnant? Would you want wife to stay with you if you made similar mistake, and repented?

Millions of people are raising kids that are not their own. It is easy to fall in love with a baby if you let yourself. It is easy to let a baby fall in love with you and bring joy and maturity and all the gifts of parenthood into your life…You can let yourself do this if you want to.

Most people get over looking at a kid and thinking about the conditions of its conception. I went to see a friends newborn yesterday. held it, kissed it’s sweet head, and not once did I think of it’s conception, only the joy and wonder of it being here.

My husband is living testimony that it can be done. I cheated. I got pregnant. I repented. It turns out the baby was my husbands, but we didn’t know until she arrived. Still, he stayed with me, loved me and agreed to raise the child as his own either way.

Don’t throw away a possible lifetime of love because this conception took place. I don’t know anything about your marriage other than what you shared here. But if this is the main/only issue, I’d recommend you hang in there.

Baby’s have come into the world under worse circumstances. What matters is what WE do with what we are given.

cheddar


#17

[quote=mumto5]Anyone else think it’s wrong that everyone is telling this man he needs to be a father to this child? I think it’s unrealistic to expect him to forive and accept parenting this child after just one month.
[/quote]

What’s unrealistic about it? When we marry, we take vows. Although by his post, his wife has broken hers, two wrongs don’t make a right.

And there is a child. No matter what its biological parents did, the child is innocent.

[quote=mumto5]Without knowing the role the bio-dad will play, it’s also hard to comment fairly. If he can parent the child, that’s very big of him, if he can’t, it’s not his fault and doesn’t make him any less of a person. No, it’s not the child’s fault but it’s not his either.
[/quote]

The difference being, the child is helpless. An adult should not do things that hurt children.


#18

…just know that you have the prayers and support of the members of this forum and the body of Chirst…

…i wish you pardon and peace…:thumbsup:


#19

Being in a similar situation, my husband cheating on me…granted he can’t get pregnant, but believe me you don’t need a physical person (baby) to be constant reminder of the deception…just looking at him reminds me. And I think most people here are right…if he loves his wife he needs to give all of them the opportunity to try and get passed this. Seems to me that we have a double standard going on here, why does it seem more acceptable for a woman to forgive her husband’s infidelities and try to make things work out than for a man to forgive the wife’s infidelities :confused: :hmmm: Is it because it is expected for the man to stray and have moments of weakness, but not the woman :confused: . I say this has more to do with his pride and ego that another man had his paws all over HIS woman than doing what’s right. If she’s the weak one at this point in time then it’s up to you to take up the reins and be strong enough for both of you…and who knows maybe the child is yours you never know God works in mysterious ways, you’re being tested…trying to work through this, regardless of the outcome his the honorable thing to do and you will both be healthier people at the end if you continue with therapy. That’s all I’m asking for myself, if in the end we don’t stay together I can say I gave it my all and with the Grace of God we will have become better people, that out of something so ugly we were able to pull something positive…some good, we owe that to ourselves, our marriage and our child.


#20

My friend, I can’t imagine how torn up you must be about this situation, but try your best to trust in the Lord. He will help you. Is there any possibility that the child could be put up for adoption? There are many childless couples who could provide a good home for the baby.

Rest assured that you’ll be in my prayers.

God Bless,
Gary


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