Wife will not go to confession


#1

My wife does not think that she needs to go to confession. She thinks that the sins that she commits are not bad. For example she just began taking birth control, as we had a baby 3 months ago and does not want to get pregnant. I have informed her that this is wrong and against the church, and she does not care. We also missed Mass last week as the Baptism class we were in ran long and missed the last Mass of the day (we were going to attend that one.) I am going to confession this week, as I want to rid my sins. But, my wife thinks that I am blowing this out of proportion, as I joined the church this year at Easter Vigil. My wife is a cradle Catholic. I think that she thinks that since she is 31 that she can confess the sins later or she does not find them a big deal. It also bothers me that she accepts the Eucharist and is on birth control. Every time I bring up the subject she gets defensive and does not want to talk about it. Any Advice?


#2

*Just keep praying for her to come around…and gently keep asking her to go with you. That’s all you can do. Becoming angry with her, starting arguments…it’s not how you get someone to go to confession. (not saying you’re doing this, but I used to do this with my own husband lol) :o So, I speak from some experience. He used to go, but there were a few years that went by, that I was going with the kids without him, and finally I asked him why he stopped going. It would cause arguments, and strife. I stopped the arguing, and debating…and just prayed and prayed. Eventually, he started going more regularly…and now, it’s not even a topic of discussion anymore.

Keep praying and asking Mary for her prayers in this, also. Amazing what might happen next. :o God bless, and I’ll keep her in my prayers. *


#3

Oh, and what also helped, was that our daughter can be quite relentless at times. She bugged her dad over and over to go. (this was certainly not at my urging, but my kids are not babies, they would overhear the discussions, and my dd didn’t like that her dad wasn’t going as often as us) :shrug: She really should be a lawyer, that kid.


#4

Whatever you DO, do not, under any circumstances, feel superior to her or “holier” thatn her.

Pray for her, and maybe have her talk to a priest or something.

(By the way, I wasn’t accusing you of feeling those feelings…just warning you not too…heheheh)


#5

*I agree with RascalKing…

And, remember mkipp, your wife is taking birth control…on some level, she is conscious of the wrongness in it. And, you have told her as much, also. It is very hard to ‘want’ to go to confession, if you know you’re not going to give up the sin. :o That could be the reason she is making excuses not to go…so, just keep praying for her, and hopefully, in time, she’ll stop taking bc, and she will join you at confession. *


#6

I agree that she should go…we all should go.

But you can’t force her. What you can do is remind her that she should not receive the Eucharist in a state of mortal sin.

Keep praying for her and encouraging her to go. When you go to confession, ask her if she’d like to come with you. Ask her to at least wait for you in the pew while you go.

In my marriage we are reverts…my husband came back before me…so I sort of know where she is right now.

What my DH did is watch EWTN often, really often. He would watch Father Corapi (saturday evenings 10.pm) At first I would be annoyed, and think 'who is this fire and brimstone priest?" But then I watched his conversion story and I went to confession for the first time in many many years. Before my conversion I think I had been to confession about a handful of times. In 20 years maybe 3 or 4 times. :o

Finally, buy a Catechism and leave it around for her to find, opened to strategic places. :wink: And let her see you read it.

Good luck.


#7

I think that because I joined the church so recently it comes off as” I think that I am better than her.” This is not my intention, but it has been a huge change in my life over the last year. Now that we have a daughter I just want us all to be as close to God and the church as we can. I think that confession is good for us and returns us to a state of grace. I just wish that my wife would stop taking birth control and go to confession. I guess that praying is the best option. Are there any Saints that I can pray to for intercession?


#8

And just remember as long as you partake in the marital embrace with your wife you too are taking bc pills. It might be better to talk to her about it as an “us” thing.


#9

I have mentioned it as “us” regarding birth control. And we have not had relations since the baby. But in this forum a month ago people said that I am not at fault if I have relations with my wife and she is on birth control. I am meeting with my Priest for Confession on Thursday and can ask him.


#10

You are right - you are not morally culpable for your wife taking contraceptives. Your priest will reaffirm that. There is no reason to refrain from the marital act with your wife, especially since you have voiced your opinion on the matter.


#11

I’d leave her alone. She’s in a fragile state right now with a newborn; you wouldn’t want to push her over the edge and ruin your family life. Besides, a priest told me that birth control pills were not even something to bring up in confession and refused to give me a penance after I confessed to taking them a while back. No wonder even cradle Catholics are confused…


#12

You’ve brought it up and discussed it with her. I’d leave it to the Holy Spirit to nudge her along now.


#13

well, first of all. there is a strong tendency to forget one very simple fact: depression following birth is common.
depression and anxiety… which may also have a feeling of panic of “oh God i cant cope with THIS baby… what if i get pregnant again” could be a factor…

i would suggest you ask her if she would consider seeing a counselor for post partum depression, that you are concerned because she has grown so distant, and is acting differently.

i would also suggest asking her is there is something you can do differently to help with the kids… would she like an afternoon off? are there some errands you can do for her that would take any pressure off her? how about a regular scheduled babysitter so she can have a few hours to herself?

pray, a lot.
talk to your priest and mention the fact that you are concerned about the BC pills… and worry that it could be depression…

i will also say that you are new to the faith… i know that “stress” can be from good things too… whenever things change, it is stresful. new baby, kids, husband changing his behavior… all that is stressful, and she may be being jealous as well that you are more active in the church… its not rational, but its easy to fall into that.


#14

You will never make a woman more faithful by pressuring her to go to Confession. It is not something you can argue with her into doing.

It’s silly to repeat yourself and tell your wife that she can’t take communion while she’s taking contraceptives. If there was doubt about whether she knows this, saying it once is all that’s needed.

The best way to lead your wife to a closer agreement with the Church’s teachings is to show her what a good man you are while you are a conservative Catholic. Show her your love and your selflessness.

Lecturing people about how evil they are only hardens them against your point of view.


#15

I don’t try and make her feel bad, not sure if she does. I just want her to be an example for our daughter. I understand that our daughter is 3 months old, but I think that becoming a Catholic family is important. She knows that I don’t like her taking birth control, but she seems to not care. I know how good it feels to have the weight of sin lifted off my shoulders. I just wanter her to have the same state of grace. I will continue to pray for her.


#16

Work Catholic thought into your life. Watch EWTN (you can get it online if you do not have it on your cable or sat). Listen to Catholic radio (again, available online if you do not have Sat radio).

Be the best happiest most loving Catholic husband you can be. FAST for your wife every week.

Don’t participate in her birth control, don’t pay for it or go run to the store and buy the pills - let that be her deal and her deal alone.


#17

My apologies - I was not on that thread - but I can see both sides taking a step back. It is not your intent to use the bc although you do still have the use of it. It is a rough situation you are in. Hugs.


#18

You cannot make an adult (defined as over the age of about 7 for this purpose) receive a sacrament. You can pray for your wife, you can invite her to come when you go, but you cannot make her. And I would say that too much arguement and nagging will be likely to just make her want to go less.

We are only required to go to confession when we have commited a mortal sin. Birth control is a grave matter, but what your wife’s understanding is and her true free will are not something we (including you) can judge.

Pray for her, learn all you can about the various forms of NFP and offer to take responsiblity for the temp taking, charting, and chart reading. Then don’t importune her during her fertile times.

One other thing for you to know is that her taking birth control pills is not your sin and you can still engage in martial relations with her.


#19

I know how good it feels to have the weight of sin lifted off my shoulders. I just wanter her to have the same state of grace. I will continue to pray for her.

The highlighted part of your post is what is underlying this problem.

I think it is very good of you to be concerned for your wife’s spiritual well being in this way. Spiritual aspect aside, since she’s not ‘hearing it’ right now, how about the health aspects of taking the pill? Have you talked to her about the risks to her health? Is she informed about NFP and it’s effectiveness? Are you able to engage in conversations with her about this kind of thing? I think it’s only fair that hear your opinion and feeling on the matter, hopefully she’s willing to listen.

Like others said you can’t and shouldn’t attempt to make her go to confession, but some gentle nudges, and lots of prayer, and hopefully engaging in conversation about it are good ideas.


#20

I have mentioned NFP, but not sure how I presented the idea. Any suggestions for sites I can suggest for her to check out? She does not see birth control as a health risk at all. I think that one issue that bothers me is that she accepts 95% of the church’s teachings. And I have tried to explain that you either believe in all the teaching or none of them. As she cannot pick and choose what she likes or does not.


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