Willing to wait, branded a fool


#1

In a nutshell, H left me and our 3 children last March…found out he is living with another woman. I do not let him in the house to visit the kids, he picks them up from the driveway. He calls the kids several times a day and comes over every other night. I have cut off all communication with him since Dec 26th…too painful to see and speak to him. I do not believe in divorce, and he has never brought it up (not sure why he hasn’t?)…I believe he is in the grips of a rabid midlife crisis (turned 40 last May) as well as being an alcoholic…he has checked out of life…when he left he informed me that he could no longer handle the pressures of a wife, children, bills etc…the woman he lives with is an asthmatic, chain smoking bartender who lives in a trailer and drinks as well.

Some people I know tell me to go on with my life, that my H is a lost cause and cannot be saved. I disagree. While I go on with my life, I still have hope that he will see the terrible way his life is going, and as his wife, I would like to be there when and if he does come back to us. Will I wait forever, sadly, no…but with the guidance of my priest, as well as many hours of praying, I cannot let go just yet…but…some people tell me I am a fool.

Do any of you wise people have any insight into my situation?


#2

I am not wise, but I know that praying for people is a must and great thing to do. Don’t we all want all of us to go to Heaven?

If we look at the lives of few saints who were mistreated badly by their husbands, we will find out how much they love God and people.

St. Monica: newadvent.org/cathen/10482a.htm
St. Rita: catholic.org/saints/saint.php?saint_id=205

Personally, I pray with these two saints for their intercession - I am asking for being patience, kind, and love towards my loved ones. You can do the same with the Saints for your H.


#3

Sounds like you know some busybodies.

If you think there’s something to save in your marriage, hang in there. If you still love the guy, and you and the kids are not in danger from him, wait a while before making any decisions. You don’t want to look back in a few years and think you gave up too soon. Take your time and think about what you want to do. Raising kids alone is very hard on you and them. That comes from personal experience.

But if you’re in physical or mental danger from him, or if there are financial issues, you may need to get a legal separation to protect yourself and the kids. You need to talk to someone – your priest? – about those things. Someone you can really trust and who will look at all sides of your situation.

One last thing…marriage is a one time shot. If you need to get out, then get out. But if it’s just a matter of pride…know what I mean? I was divorced in my early 40s and I’ve been alone for a long long time now. I’m divorced as long as I was married now, and there are a lot of cold nights still ahead.


#4

Kelly,

I was recently listening to EWTN and Fr. John Corapi was on. If you don’t know his story and have never heard his conversion testimony, I beg you to order it free from The Mary Foundation.

catholicity.com/cds/corapi.html

Beyond his breathtaking story which is proof miracles can and do happen, Fr. Corapi’s message on the radio the other night resonated with me.

He said, the devil delights in human discouragement. He went on to say the only remedy for discouragement is hope. Sounds simple, but I agree, you cannot give up hope.

That doesn’t mean you won’t one day be forced into a corner and have to divorce your husband, that you may not have to seek annulment for your marriage, but you can still hope for him, that he turns his life around before its too late, that he doesn’t remain in impenitent sin forever, lest he be damned.

God bless you and your kids… your husband too.

Jeff


#5

Thank you…and my children and I are in no danger. As a matter of fact, it has been very peacful and calm at home. Also, I handle ALL of the finances…my H gets a weekly allowence that he is not once abused…he hasn’t even asked for more money. Both of our paychecks get automatically deposited into our joint checking account, so I am aware of every dime that comes in. I also handle all of our stock, 401k’s etc…can he go burserk and start abusing our finances, sure…but I am watching our money like a hawk and if he were to do so, I would know about it and I would head straight for a lawyer.

My parish priest has been counselling me and he informed me that if I felt the need, I can file for a legal separation to protect my rights as well as our childrens, but I haven’t had to need to at this point.

I have offered my H up to God…I know that there is absolutely nothing that I can do to help him and that only Gods grace, love and mercy is the only way my H will change his life. And I know that my H has free will, and this scares me…so I live one day at a time, hopeing for the best, but preparing for the worst. But whatever happens, the good Lord has a wonderful future for my and my kids with or without my H…I just pray that it is with him :frowning:


#6

I’ll be praying for you, and you’ll all be in my thoughts. Deb


#7

Hi,
My friend’ss husband was going thru a mid-life crisis and moved out and couldnt decide if he wanted to divorce. Her family kept nagging her to dump him. She waited for 2 years for him to make up his mind. Painfully, one day she flat out asked him if he wanted a divorce and he said yes and they just recently got divorced. I have another friend who’s husband sounds worse then yours(drugs, alcohol, no job, not a believer) and she will not live with him or associate with him but she will also not divorce him unless he asks.She does not believe in divorce, however because he is not a believer she can divorce him but only if he initiates it. It has been years and they are stilled married but not together.

I will tell you what I told my first friend(BTW doesnt follow any religion)I said you need to listen to you. Do what is right for you. I told her she will know when the time is right to take any action. I guess after 2 years she knew.

Dont listen to people when they tell you to dump him. You will know when the timing is right to take action. PRAY PRAY PRAY:thumbsup:


#8

You are doing the right thing… I know it won’t be the popular answer, but it is mine. When my ex left me and the kids I explained to the kids that dad was sick and needed our prayers. Funny how you can’t stay resentful and angry at a person you are praying for. Anyway… he decided he wanted a divorce… about a year later or so. By this time I was resigned to whatever choice he made… of course if he had decided to reconcile, it would have had to been on the terms that he stopped drinking, stopped drugging, etc… So either way I was prepared. I am so very grateful that he did divorce me now… I never thought I would say that but boy is it true! I got an annulment and about a year ago remarried a very spiritual and loving man… life is good! And yes I do still pray for the ex…


#9

I have wondered for almost a year now, why doesn’t my H file for divorce? Anyhow, luckily he never misses work and has been at the same job for over 18 years, but i now know that he is a functional alcoholic (if there is such a thing) It has taken me years to admit this, but he is. So basically I am asking him to give up alcohol and give up his so called freedom and come back home…and I constantly prepare myself for the possibility that he may never be strong enough to do so :frowning:

Funny thing is I have gotten so much stronger emotionally since he has been gone. And the best thing of all is that I have gotten so much closer to God and the Catholic Church again…I guess its true that through adversity comes glory if we allow it in :thumbsup:


#10

kellygirl, I empathize.
My DH, of 17 years, began an online affair over a year ago which he then turned into the real thing. (later mid-life crsis) He quit his job and bought himself a Harley motorcycle too. It would be funny if not so sad.
I left.
I did not want a divorce.
After 10 months of borrowing money to pay bills because he would not help me, I filed for a divorce. By that time, our once perfect credit was ruined along with, what I had thought, was our perfect marriage.
I will never attempt to annull our marriage but if he ever comes back (highly doubtful), I will not open the door either.
We had no children at home. (thank God!)
I will add you to my prayers.


#11

i know that when the time comes you will know… do not do anything unless it is in your heart. for me the time came much sooner … in 5 months when i finally decided to let go. he had gone on with his life and did not care anymore about where i was or what i was doing.

i know now that i made the right decision as i know that no matter what i did he would not have come back and looking back with not so emotional a state i see why we were so incompatible to begin with… we wanted totally different things from life… although i know that marriage is not about compatibility but about the vow in front of God.

Even now, i sometimes pray at night and am doing the novena - 54 days for us and the undoer of knots novena… sometimes i cry at night and pray for him asking god to show him the right way in life and to bring someone in his life who will make him happy.

i am praying for peace myself. dont wonder about why he is not filing for divorce. do what is right for u and ur children. i drove myself nuts trying to analyse why he was not filing for divorce for 5 months although he was claiming to want to do it. i think that it was becos he knew that he would never be able to forgive himself if he did it as he knew in his heart that he had not given it a fair chance. so now he gets to blame me for it.


#12

As long as the following are good, it’s your call:

  • You and the kids have money to meet the lifestyle you had when your husband lived in the home. The best example is that those of you left in the family manse are not starving, have the necessities of life and maybe even a little extra, and life is going on without Hubby.
  • The kids and/ or you are not being abused.
  • He is not playing you for a fool (and if you’re making him meet the kids in the driveway, then no, you are nobody’s fool- but you might want to be sure if the kids get in the car, he’s at least sober when driving).

Sounds as if you have everything in a neat package and you are the one calling the shots. Nice job!:clapping:

I would recommend that you try to set aside first about $3000, and then if you don’t have it, the equivalent of 3-6 months’ basic living expenses for the kids and you. The $3,000 is in case your ex gets creative on you and decides to have you served one fine day with the petition for a divorce, and asking for the house, car, etc. It will nicely cover a retainer for an attorney to fight for the kids’ rights. It’s just good stewardship.

But my hat is off to you!


#13

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