With statistics on cheating and the existence of the internet, I'm almost afraid to get married

I am pretty sure I’m mildly OCD because I sometimes have intrusive thoughts that won’t go away. It’s mostly ideas about myself or others.

This manifests as fears in relationships. I’ll read articles about how 60% of men cheat and become convinced that with those odds, why bother dating?

I’ll read that 85% of the time a woman has a gut feeling of being cheated on she was right, then convince myself that my obsessive fears are a “gut feeling.”

I honestly am kind of fit to be tied. I’m dating a guy that is pretty reliable and communicative although he’s not texting me all day because he’s working. He texts every morning and evening and calls every night and drives a lot to see me on weekends.

I’ve met his family and friends.

Anyway i am pretty sure at this point I could be dating a living Saint and still be afraid of being betrayed.

There have been numerous times in my life where someone I thought I knew was so radically not who I thought that I’m convinced it will happen with eveyone. Like drug use or worse, things that involve a long time in prison.

And through friends I’ve talked to I’ve become aware that cheaters are not always the flashy flirty people. They might be mild mannered and shy. In addition, the internet provides a way to carry on online affairs without ever meeting. And sadly Christians are not exceptional; I don’t think one can assume a church goer won’t cheat.

Clearly I have a crippling fear. It’s always been there combined with the fear of divorce. Since I’m actually in a serious relationship it’s coming up and I don’t know what to do.

I used to know this consecrated virgin who did canon law. She would always talk about how glad she was she’s never getting married, because her annulment cases made her see marriage in a negative light.

The bottom line is that due to many reasons, I feel deeply inadequate like no man would ever be true to me and men would only date me as a joke or because I am easy to deceive or as someone to show the family since I go to church, but not to be faithful to.

I don’t know what to do. I have had men be paranoid I cheated on them when I would never dream of it, so I know the fears aren’t always true.

If anyone has thoughts for me please tell. I know that counseling could help but frankly it doesn’t always. I’m praying I find a spiritual director. Thanks.

I would think until your mental illness is under control it would be unfair to marry anyone.

I think counselling would be good for you, to help with your thoughts and your issues with trusting others. I also think making a conscious effort to stay away from those sorts of articles will really help you, because if they are making you question your own relationship, and how you feel, they are not doing you any good.

Have you spoken to your boyfriend, and told him how you feel? It’s important he knows so you can talk to him, and he can help you as best he can.

Lou

I have a counselor for medication although he’s not officially a talk therapist. My best counselors have been priests, not talk therapists. I’m currently seeking a spiritual director since I moved.

I have opened up to my bf about my fears and I know I can talk to him when I feel that way. You’re absolutely right I must avoid these fluff articles. I just read a deeper article on having these intrusive thoughts and it actually helped a lot.

You’re not going to marry a statistic, you’re going to marry an individual.

Don’t know what to tell you. Married 21 years and my wife decided to leave me, I did keep the kids living with me though :slight_smile:

As much as I don’t like how things turned out, I’ve never regretted marrying her. If I hadn’t I wouldn’t have my kids, but more importantly if I hadn’t married her I would look in the mirror every day wondering … what if.

I don’t have to wonder how it would turn out, I know. Although, with my kids the story continues… can’t wait to see how it unfolds.

When I’ve been at crossroads in my life I’ve found praying to the Holy Spirit for guidance helpful.

It’s good you’re taking steps to do what you can for yourself, but you don’t need me to tell you that :wink: . Is there any way you can ask your counselor for some extra help until you find a spiritual director?

As styrgwilldar says, you’re marrying a person, not a statistic. If you take what you know about your boyfriend and what those articles said, you’ll see how much they don’t match up - and they don’t match up, not because you’re too trusting of him, but because those articles are lies. Try and cut out anything in your life that could be fuelling negative thoughts.

Lou

You think you might have a mental disorder. The proper advice is to seek professional and medical help. A priest is not a doctor. ( normally)
You need to be mentally fit to marry. Several of your statements have red flags.
Please seek help.

You need counseling more than you need a spiritual director. Life is full of risks and being in fear of taking one will prevent you from living your life as God intended. It would be most unfair to a future spouse to marry right now; suspicion and jealousy are not healthy in any relationship; they only grow and make all concerned miserable.

I agree with this. By all means, have a spiritual director, but I would really encourage you to find a therapist to talk with as well. Having someone with a specific focus on helping others with mental illness such as OCD will be beneficial to you, as well as having someone to help you spiritually.

Lou

OCD and intrusive thoughts need help from a professional therapist. Please get help!

This in bold stood out to me. I’d beware of Canon Law experts, or anyone in a celibate state who claims to “see marriage in a negative light”. The vocations are supposed to affirm and support each other.

Well obviously happily married couples aren’t the ones seeking an annulment. It’s like someone working with young offenders generalizing about the youth of today.

Op, you should stop reading negative reports about marriage, and shift your focus to the positive. There will be no way to have a positive attitude or expectation if you continue to fill your mind with this…it will continue to cause you anxiety and worse and it’s not a good thing.

There are many many catholic blogs and webpages that show how wonderful marriage can be. This is where your attention and focus should be.

It is in holy Scripture that “where the mind goes, the man follows”-…expose your mind to all things good, pure and uplifting.

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