Wolf-Spotting Tips for Women


#1

I put a similar thread on the Singles group forum and I'm going to be either very gutsy or very stupid and throw this out to the general forum.

Having grown up very sheltered and just in general having little dating experience - and wanting to stay chaste in a mostly unchaste culture, I need some "insider scoop." Here's the problem:

In a public venue (not a bar, because I don't go to bars - just a store, the library, places like that), I honestly don't know sometimes if a guy is making conversation or trying to hit on me. I mean, unless he says something really out-there like he has a hot tub at his place. :rolleyes:

It's not that I don't know the blatant, crime-prevention type red flags to watch out for, and I think I could detect a stalker or other truly dangerous person. But I'm pretty sure that I miss some of the more subtle indicators of those who take pick-ups and one-night stands for granted. Or even sex-by-the-third-date mentality. That sort of thing - which I learned of only through watching sitcoms and movies :ouch:.

Or - and this is the most frustrating scenario of all - I pick up on things that raise questions in my mind, but don't know what to make of them.

Hoping to hear from women and men on this one - and hoping we can keep the discussion clean and respectful. I mean, if you dated a jerk or are a "recovering jerk," like I said I'd like to know what the secrets are. But hopefully not too graphically.

My high-school Spanish teacher taught us the cuss words in Spanish so that if we went on the trip to Mexico we wouldn't inadvertently get ourselves in trouble. Or sometimes there are shows on TV where they interview former criminals as part of crime safety information. That's the kind of thing I'm aiming at. We Catholic ladies need to be "wise as serpents but gentle as doves." If you can help - Thanks!


#2

I always figured that any man who speaks to a woman in a bar is trying to pick her up. I personally have no radar at all for these things.

I have found that some men act like gentlemen, and others are bolder and throw more innuendo into the conversation. I really think that if a man is polite at first, he'll probably stay that way and be more willing to accept a chaste woman.

The other thing I found was that I had a bit of a reputation in my friendship group (back when I was single) for being... not sure of the best word, unwilling to put out, I guess. The boys in the group didn't bother with me unless they were serious, and even then I got a bad feeling about some of them, and wouldn't accept their requests for dates.

Another thing - my Mum is convinced that she gets a gut feeling about situations. She thinks it's her conscience, or guardian Angel guiding her away from bad situations. Perhaps if you ask your Angel for guidance and protection before going to a bar, you'll start to see men for their real intentions.


#3

[quote="admonsta, post:2, topic:243088"]
I always figured that any man who speaks to a woman in a bar is trying to pick her up. I personally have no radar at all for these things.

I have found that some men act like gentlemen, and others are bolder and throw more innuendo into the conversation. I really think that if a man is polite at first, he'll probably stay that way and be more willing to accept a chaste woman.

The other thing I found was that I had a bit of a reputation in my friendship group (back when I was single) for being... not sure of the best word, unwilling to put out, I guess. The boys in the group didn't bother with me unless they were serious, and even then I got a bad feeling about some of them, and wouldn't accept their requests for dates.

Another thing - my Mum is convinced that she gets a gut feeling about situations. She thinks it's her conscience, or guardian Angel guiding her away from bad situations. Perhaps if you ask your Angel for guidance and protection before going to a bar, you'll start to see men for their real intentions.

[/quote]

I like the Guardian Angel suggestion! :) I think you missed one thing, though - I don't make a habit of going to bars. It's OK, I'm not insulted or anything - I'm just saying that it's the places other than bars - where I'm less on my guard than I would be in a bar - that are more ambivalent and hard to read! :bigyikes: But I definitely do like your Mum and trust my intuition as much as I'm able. Thanks! :thumbsup:


#4

Oh, whoops! I saw the word bar, but missed the words around it! Sorry.


#5

Just listen to your gut instincts. The Holy Spirit gives us the gift of discernment. If someone looks too good to be true, chances are that he's some kind of phony; if he's monopolizing your time or invading your personal space, you want to set some boundaries, etc, etc. Keep the limits firm yet friendly, use some common sense in terms of how much you would actually trust a stranger, and you should be just fine.


#6

I think you need to be careful where you meet men, not just in bars, but not just in random places either. It needs to be in a structured environment, where they can't flatter you into giving them your phone number. Like volunteer work, ministry, etc.

I did it all wrong, I had no training whatsoever and found any attention at all flattering and intoxicating. I would do it all different now, and NEVER go to bars.

Yes, trust your instincts, and the Holy Spirit. Also look for a tan line on his ring finger. :cool:


#7

You know funny thing - I used to think that Catholic men would mean that they would be the most respectful of my values. Now I am realizing from some of my male friends that this is a generalization. I don't want to get into the situation but I have a very good male non-Christian friend who has been very respectful of my situation even though he does not understand it. And instead of just saying OK you can't date because you don't have this Catholic thing called an anullment and you don't believe in sex outside of marriage he actually asked me to help him understand why I believe the things I do including being willing to read books on these subjects. This surprised me. I don't know how to put this into words but there is a gentleness there that I think women should look FOR to get involved WITH rather than these negative things that one should be running FROM. Maybe this is what I did so wrong last time and why I am in the situation I am in now.


#8

Speaking as a 19 year old Catholic male, the only advice I can give is:

You can tell a lot about a person by the way he treats his mother!

If he treats her badly, then how do you think he will treat you?


#9

[quote="joanofarc2008, post:7, topic:243088"]
You know funny thing - I used to think that Catholic men would mean that they would be the most respectful of my values. Now I am realizing from some of my male friends that this is a generalization. I don't want to get into the situation but I have a very good male non-Christian friend who has been very respectful of my situation even though he does not understand it. And instead of just saying OK you can't date because you don't have this Catholic thing called an anullment and you don't believe in sex outside of marriage he actually asked me to help him understand why I believe the things I do including being willing to read books on these subjects. This surprised me. I don't know how to put this into words but there is a gentleness there that I think women should look FOR to get involved WITH rather than these negative things that one should be running FROM. Maybe this is what I did so wrong last time and why I am in the situation I am in now.

[/quote]

Wow, that's great. I think you have a really good point here. I wasn't ever told what to look FOR or run FROM. I got no guidance whatsoever.

Gentleness. Respect. Kindness. Yeah, those would be a start.


#10

I think this question is totally easy.

Make sure the date is set up at least 48 hours in advance. A guy who calls at the last minute is bored and just out to use anyone. A man who is genuinely interested will keep a date

Second, tell him flat out: 'I don't know you well enough to get into your car'. He hears 'I will not be sleeping with you'. The good guys will say no problem.

Very easy


#11

Here’s my personal take. Most guys are both “wolves” AND gentlemen at different points. Almost every guy will go for almost any “easy” girl. What matters is how you behave as to whether they look at you as a conquest or want to seriously pursue you as a girlfriend. You can flirt like heck with a guy but as long as you keep your self-respect and only accept “lady” treatment he can’t take advantage of you.


#12

Best advice I can give a woman who has trouble sizing up character is to bring a trusted man (brother, cousin, or friend) along to some kind of informal and loose activity . Men can spot slimeball guys in a matter of minutes through casual conversation.

I do not know if that is true from the female perspective (women spotting women users) in the case of a guy looking for help sizing up people.


#13

This is very true! Guys can size up other guys much better than we women can.


#14

I am not entirely sure how accurate that statement is. I do not think most men would hear ‘I will not be sleeping with you’ even if they are the wolves. But with that said, if you do not want to get into his car the good guys will still say no problem.

However, I do agree with the rest of your statement about the 48 hours.

I would also pay attention to how he talks to you. It may sound a little cliche but if he asks you questions, listens to your answers and then asks deeper questions he is usually interested. If he is excited about something because you are excited about it and asks engages you about it, same deal. Most ‘wolves’ are only interested in the superficial answers and don’t give the time to delve deeper into what makes you tick.

Just my :twocents: Im 29 and a male, just so you know. And im not a recovering jerk, but I used to be friends with some. :wink: So i have seen it first hand.


#15

There are wolves out there willing to make the “investment” and do the work if they think the challenge will be “interesting”. So while some will hear no or never gonna happen there are still others who will hear “you know I really want to, I just do’t know it yet, please convince me.” or “I say no now but maybe if you give me enough time I may say yes”.

Remember there are guys out there who can show you the halo while hiding the horns.


#16

The way you dress and your overall demeanor can already do a lot of filtering for you.

While single I liked to wear a lot of timeless, classic clothes I.e beige/ white combo in summer and jeans with turtle neck sweaters and the knee-length coats in winter. I found that the less flashy the clothes the more selective the attention I was getting. I also found that carrying certain types of books in hand, especially while on public transit, would generally set the stage for the kind of convo I was up for- I had a think for serious, intelectul types.

The guy would usually get to see the more fun and easy going part of me only in social settings, whether it was with his friends or mine or a mixed group. I always wanted men who considered making a move to know ahead of time, as much as possible, what they were setting themselves up for and most did get it.

I usually tried to not reply to. The flattery but rather tried to keep the convo either on the comical side or on the neutral so as to not mislead the guy into thinking I'm interested in anything intimate.

Also, while men can seize other men better they don't know the power we have over them. A lot of the guys who were interested in me, including DH were major players but treated me with utmost respect and truly displayed serious intentions. Men CAN tell the difference between flake and serious and they are perfectly capable, most of them at least, to be gentlemen when the situation calls for it.


#17

It s interesting that you had this experience. In my experience, some guys with less honourable intentions purposely go after prim/serious looking girls either to irritate them or because they see it as a challenge. So I would warn that any kind of dress sense can have unintended consequences.
Also I dont think there is such a firm dichotomy of flake/serious. Someone might look dead serious and mature but it could be due to low confidence while we all know that seemingly flakey markers such as frilly clothes, curly hair or giggling obviously does not a flake make.

To the OP, to echo others, your best aid is your God given common sense. Men and women while complicated in our own ways can also be remarkably simple. You just have to work out things like deal breakers and the rest should fall into place with experience.


#18

One red flag I’ve learned to spot is this:

If during our first conversation, he tells me he is looking for a woman who is not into games, it usually means one of two things:

  1. He plays games
  2. Game playing to him means a woman who has standards in the way she wants to be treated. A woman who expects the guy to put in some effort.

For example, last minute calls for a date on a Friday. If a woman asks a guy for more notice, that is game playing in the eyes of such a guy.


#19

[quote="3DOCTORS, post:1, topic:243088"]
In a public venue (not a bar, because I don't go to bars - just a store, the library, places like that), I honestly don't know sometimes if a guy is making conversation or trying to hit on me. I mean, unless he says something really out-there like he has a hot tub at his place. :rolleyes:

[/quote]

These days if a man is looking for a casual hook-up or one-nighter, there are a plethora of websites and phone chat lines he can turn to. Guys anymore don't troll libraries and supermarkets for no-strings attached sex when they can get that without leaving the comfort and privacy of their laptops.

Were I you I would assume that a man making conversation with me had honorable intentions until he did or said something to prove otherwise. For example, if you are in a bookstore and a man starts a conversation with you about the book you're holding, converse with him if you're of a mind to. He might be trying to segue into asking you out for a coffee, or he might just want to know your opinions about a particular genre. If he starts leering at you, however, or if he suggests the two of you read the Karma Sutra in his hot tub, start looking around for an escape route.

Yes, in today's world it's important to be appropriately cautious, but if you venture forth with the notion that men are generally wolves until they prove themselves otherwise, you might very well miss out on some really terrific gentlemen and friendships.


#20

[quote="karow, post:19, topic:243088"]
These days if a man is looking for a casual hook-up or one-nighter, there are a plethora of websites and phone chat lines he can turn to. Guys anymore don't troll libraries and supermarkets for no-strings attached sex when they can get that without leaving the comfort and privacy of their laptops.

[/quote]

That is an interesting point to consider but I wouldn't bank on it 100 percent . . .:ehh:

[quote="karow, post:19, topic:243088"]
Were I you I would assume that a man making conversation with me had honorable intentions until he did or said something to prove otherwise. For example, if you are in a bookstore and a man starts a conversation with you about the book you're holding, converse with him if you're of a mind to. He might be trying to segue into asking you out for a coffee, or he might just want to know your opinions about a particular genre. If he starts leering at you, however, or if he suggests the two of you read the Karma Sutra in his hot tub, start looking around for an escape route.

[/quote]

Conversing is cool - I guess I'm thinking how should I interpret the conversation. In the case of your hypothetical Kama Sutra in the hot tub guy, I'd make a quick exit, and if I felt it was warranted, have security escort me to my vehicle! :onpatrol: Again, I'm talking non-bar, non-meat market types of ordinary places where a guy comes up and starts talking to me.

I know some people have met their spouse in such ordinary everyday venues. However, some have also met serial killers and con artists. :shrug:

[quote="karow, post:19, topic:243088"]
Yes, in today's world it's important to be appropriately cautious, but if you venture forth with the notion that men are generally wolves until they prove themselves otherwise, you might very well miss out on some really terrific gentlemen and friendships.

[/quote]

Well, I see the point; however, I'd rather miss out on a few harmless conversations than miss spotting the one really evil bad guy. The former is a loss that I am willing to live with, the other could wind up with me the focus of a crime scene.

This doesn't mean I think all men are bad in that way. It's just that in our fallen world, a gal definitely has to be savvy and street smart. :sad_yes:


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