Worried about relationship with girlfriend


#1

I worry about my relationship with my (long-distance) girlfriend.

We've only been together in person three times, but all of those occasions have been for entire weekends. I love being with her. There exists a connection between us that I can't possibly explain, but we have entire conversations by just looking into one another's eyes and there are moments of long, comfortable silence between us. We have fun when we're together, we talk, we laugh, and I'm quite positively crazy for her.

When we go our separate ways, however, that's when the negative thoughts kick in. I mostly think negative thoughts because I'm worried about the future. You see, she's jobless and not the most educated or professional individual I could be with. She says she wants to work, but I think between combination of lack of resources and lack of momentum finding a job isn't high on her list of things to do. I won't even consider marrying her unless she gets a job and starts making some income because, as a result of my own stretched, poor finances, I don't know how we could make it on a single income. We just couldn't.

So, while I pray that God directs this relationship according to his will, I'm worried. I start thinking about these things and even though I try my best to rend all things to God, I can't help but think I should break up with her and call the whole thing off because there's just no way things will ever work out. I feel hopeless when I think about our future together. And yet, I think I may love her. She gives me so much in this life that I've never had before and she makes me smile.


#2

Why would you break up preemptively? Take time and see how things go. There's no reason to rush.

How is she paying her bills? If she's not completely on her own yet (ie, being subsidized by parents) that's yet another reason to wait. People mature a lot when they are self-reliant.


#3

I agree that every young woman should do all she can to be self-sufficient and employed and educated (even if not formally, but my teaching herself skills). It is also an attractive quality to have ambition and a sense of purpose in life, no matter the "income level."
However, when you typed “I won’t even consider marrying her unless she gets a job and starts making some income because, as a result of my own stretched, poor finances, I don’t know how we could make it on a single income. We just couldn’t” - immediately I thought of how ridiculous those words would sound coming out of St. Joseph’s mouth when he found himself in the situation he did.

Anyway, you only just started dating. To be looking ahead to a married on one-income lifestyle is a little premature in my opininon and is going to set you up for anxiety. Enjoy the relationship as it grows - but also know that becoming a husband someday, with St. Joseph as your model, means being a provider for your family.


#4

I wouldn't worry about it too much. At this point you're just dating and not engaged, don't put troo much thought into the issue. Considering its a long distance relationship anything could happen.


#5

Instead of worrying about your gf's income which you cant do anything about you need to start looking to increase your own if it is really so low that you can't raise a family on it.


#6

I’m in a long distance relationship with my fiance myself, but I think you need to be careful here. It’s easy, when you’re not there in person with someone, to get a skewed perception of them or what their life is like (for good or ill). It’s never exactly how it seems. And the weekends, or vacations when you are together, take on a sort of honeymoon quality that may obscure a lot of things.

Give it a chance, but also see what you can do to maximize your time together and to spend it realistically.


#7

Take a deep breath about this one man.

Move closer together, date steady, and then worry about this stuff.


#8

Yikes!!

To value someone based on a job or not is shallow.


#9

Let it go. As was so astutely observed: you need to be concerned about your own earnings potential.

My fiance is unemployed. People asked me when this misfortune hit, would I call the wedding off? Would I postpone? No, and No. We go forward because this is a little struggle in a whole lifetime together. Now the wedding will be tiny and modest. But we will still receive the Sacrament, and I know in my heart, my Lord would be very disappointed in me if I made the tangible so important that I would put off what is so clearly ready to happen now.

“It’s only money”, as a friend of mine said. Her husband has been out of work for two years; he can only scape together odd jobs here and there. It’s OK. There is much, much more to life. Through smart, prudent decisions throughout their marriage, they are now “riding the storm” quite gracefully.

And lucky you, you’re not even to the point where people will question her income (well, aside from you). Give her space and time. Think positively. Pray. Always.


#10

[quote="kage_ar, post:8, topic:188919"]
Yikes!!
To value someone based on a job or not is shallow.

[/quote]

Oh yeah?, read this poor fellows thread: forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=430875

Perhaps the OP is correct in being concerned with the gf's attitude when faced with the possibility of THIS being his future . . . .


#11

I won't even consider marrying her unless she gets a job and starts making some income because, as a result of my own stretched, poor finances, I don't know how we could make it on a single income.

This sounds like a very selfish kind of "love" to me. If I were her friend I'd counsel her to stay away from you on the account of your priorities. Do you expect her to pay for your financial indiscretions? Be a man and get your own house in order, so you can support her when she stays home with your future children. That would be a loving and responsible thing to do. Otherwise, don't waste your and her time and unnecessarily get her hopes high.


#12

It does seem, though, that the wife in the thread you posted has some kind of deep-seated psychological issue- refusing the suggestions of the therapist, declining to go to Retrouvaille, etc.

I don’t know how old the girfriend on this thread is, but as someone who got her first job at 14 and never looked back; I would say if you are 18-19 or so and in a position to “take it easy”…i.e., you’re not defaulting on credit cards or late with the rent, you should be allowed to indulge in your youth, maybe take a few months of a particularly trying term to focus on your studies, etc. I really didn’t get that “college experience” because every waking moment away from class, I was working. The only opportunity in life you have to (in fairness, anyway) spoil yourself a little is when you are young. You can’t be selfish like that if you’re married or have children.

Of course, on so many of these threads, it is difficult to really give a good opinion, since we only get one side of the story. I could totally be barking up the wrong tree. :shrug:


#13

I wonder if you should be with this girl not because she doesn’t have a job, but because of some earlier things you said about her as well. You wondered if you could be with her because she had a learning disability, as far as I recall. Do you think you look up to her/respect her/are proud of her achievements?

I really don’t want you to be offended by this, but in an earlier thread you were saying how you had trouble meeting women, then you went to a dating site and met this one even though you had doubts about her from the beginning. Are you with her because you value her for her own sake, or because of convenience, because you generally have a hard time meeting women?


#14

If you would break up with her because she has no job then maybe you don't love her enough to marry her.
I'd rather be with someone I loved who was broke than someone I didn't love who was rich.


#15

I’m not sure every one here is thinking past the face value of your post.

If say a year from now you posted this;
My wife or fiance won’t even look for a job.

Folk would answer back; why didn’t you break this off before you had so much invested?

I don’t want to put your fire out. I’m just adding in, that it is in little actions or attitudes that you will see big problems with another’s personality. For instance, a person probably wouldn’t tell you they are a thief. But say you’re riding around and you need a news paper. Instead of going to buy one your partner says pull over I’ll get one out of this yard.
Or it could be they say thier parents are mean or etc. etc…
A person could ignore a lot of warning signs and get in trouble.

There’s two cents worth!:smiley:


#16

I second what flyingfish said. You need to answer his last question before people will be able to advise you. If you are dating her just for convenience or to satisfy your own desires (like her making you smile), then you need to reconsider your decision.

You also complained about her level of education. If your standard is to date an educated or professional woman, the fact that you have already gone in for less should ring a bell.

As the others have said, finances should be the least in your worry list. Marriage is for better or worse. Even if she had a job today, there is no guarantee that you both will be working your entire life.

As Christians, we ought not to worry about material things. Matthew 6: 31-34:

So do not start worrying: 'Where will my food come from? or my drink? or my clothes? (Theses are the things pagans are always concerned about.) … So do not worry about tomorrow; it will have enough worries of its own. There is no need to add to the troubles each day brings.

Please look deep in your heart and check your motives behind dating this girl in the first place.

Remember that God has a plan for all of us and we must not give in to less just to satisfy our desires. God’s time is the best.


#17

[quote="kelvinf, post:16, topic:188919"]
Remember that God has a plan for all of us...

[/quote]

...and this relationship is currently happening.

...or have we caused the timeline to skew, creating a tangent yet alternate universe?

Perhaps it's the butterfly effect, I'm not sure.


#18

She’s entirely different from any other woman participating in this thread, and thus does not fall under the same type of standards that would normally categorize someone as being looked up to, respected, etc. To explain that would require more time and patience than I’m currently endowed with. Needless to say, I’m proud that she attempted to read Truman Capote with me, I’m proud of her for struggling through the Bible with me this Lent, I’m proud of her for attempting to make sense of something that she’s never been asked before to consider.

Obviously this is the wrong forum to being asking questions about her in because the people here, not knowing her, can only make crass assumptions. There is nothing about dating her which is convenient. There are daily sacrifices which must be made even though (and precisely because of) the distance involved. I would not continue to make these sacrifices for nearly two months for a sexless, dead relationship. Being with her has increased my confidence level around other women, yet I choose to remain faithful to this relationship alone.


#19

Seems you feel she is good enough to date but not good enough to marry.

You come across as VERY vain.


#20

[quote="Epistemes, post:18, topic:188919"]
She's entirely different from any other woman participating in this thread, and thus does not fall under the same type of standards that would normally categorize someone as being looked up to, respected, etc. To explain that would require more time and patience than I'm currently endowed with. Needless to say, I'm proud that she attempted to read Truman Capote with me, I'm proud of her for struggling through the Bible with me this Lent, I'm proud of her for attempting to make sense of something that she's never been asked before to consider.

Obviously this is the wrong forum to being asking questions about her in because the people here, not knowing her, can only make crass assumptions. There is nothing about dating her which is convenient. There are daily sacrifices which must be made even though (and precisely because of) the distance involved. I would not continue to make these sacrifices for nearly two months for a sexless, dead relationship. Being with her has increased my confidence level around other women, yet I choose to remain faithful to this relationship alone.

[/quote]

Dear One, I wish you well. But first:

  1. I disagree that anyone here has been "crass"...please, cite where you think someone has made a "crass assumption" about her. I think you have received responses that show kindness to your girlfriend.

  2. "Distance". This just boggles my mind. I don't know how old you are or what you do for a living, but my commute is 2 hours 4 days a week; once a week it is 3 hours. I go home every night; never stay in a motel or anything like that. Further, my fiancee used to live 2.5 hours from me; until we reached the point where we were discussing marriage, he stayed 2.5 hours from me. It was perfectly negotiable, even though lonely at times. Aside from the fact that you have to "arrange" time spent together (i.e. you can't drop by each other's homes on surprise) I don't see where this is an issue. He did most of the driving, FWIW.

  3. "Sexless" relationship? :confused: I certainly hope so. Even by pop-culture terms, youve only spent time together on three occasions...I think I must really be misunderstanding something here.

  4. Is part of this that she isn't as bright as the next girl? We've all got levels of ability. I think a lot of people question what my fiance sees in me...far less education, grew up in the sticks, etc. etc. Sure, sometimes he has to explain things to me that are beyond my ken...oh well! I highly suggest investing 99 cents to download and save a copy of the XTC song "Mayor of Simpleton".

I wish for blessings in your life; I pray for your personal sense of peace.


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.