Worrying myself to death


#1

I sort of need to know something sort of urgently as I’m making myself really poorly worrying about it. I’m really worried that should I die I’ll go to hell.

I got married for the second time last October, I thought I was getting married for life, at the time the guy knew I had issues with my health and fertility. In January he said he wasn’t sure if we could still be together, he cited these issues and that he was struggling with coming to terms with the fact he might never be a father, he was also struggling about my health getting worse. I was never allowed to speak to my family when I was with him, he was really funny about me speaking to anyone other than a few friends I had.

A few weeks ago he came to the decision that we were to split, recently I’ve been really poorly and he was struggling to cope with everything. He’s totally adamant that we’ll never get back together again, its quite shocking really how quickly he’s managed to get over it all. The other day I went to his in tears and he was quite cold, he seems to be looking forward to his new life that doesn’t have the burden of me in it.

When I got married the first time I had a son who is now approaching 4, I was discussing the separation with my ex husband as it was going to impact my son. My marriage was made null and void before I married husband number 2 just to let you know. We split due to domestic violence issues, he’s had intensive anger management therapy and all that kind of thing to deal with his problems and he’s totally full of remorse for what he did to me, he’s adamant that it would never happen again. When I was discussing me splitting up from my current husband and he suggested that he helped, I said I was reluctant due to previous issues but I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, should they occur again I would be out immediately.

My first husband knows about my health issues and everything, he offered to help, having me move in with him. We’ve remained good friends as parents have too. With my care needs and everything like that he really has been totally amazing looking after me so far. The guy I’ve just left seemed to get totally bored with me being ill and all that, it just felt that he was eager to leave and not have the burden of me.

I wondered where I stood in reference to sin and being able to receive the sacrament and that kind of thing. I’m really scared that should I die I will go to hell.

My first husband is keen once I have grieved the loss of my second husband (who is being totally awful to me at the moment) that we may rekindle things, he’s even mentioned that he would get married again in the future as I’m the mother to his child he holds me very dear as a friend, obviously he’s hoping for more. I should mention my first husband is also a Catholic. He says that he thinks this is an opportunity from God to prove he has changed and make a real difference in my life. It’s so amazing being able to speak to my family again, I think I’ve already said they totally give their blessing.

I know some hardcore Catholics will say I’m in the wrong, but you really should understand I needed to move somewhere I could get the help I need for my health issues, I needed someone who could support me through all of this, I do feel sort of blessed to have someone there for me who is so supportive, if things progress in the future then its a case of taking things step by step, I won’t have any sexual relations before marriage or anything like that as its something that is important to me.

I hope you can see that I’m in total turmoil as to my situation at the moment, I think the most amazing thing is my little boy has his mummy and daddy back together again, we had split custody before as he was always a fantastic father and my family regard him highly.

I know I’ve said this a few times, but I’m literally being sick with panic that should I die I will go to hell as even thought the relationship has ended I am still technically married. My current husband has looked to divorce me already as he’s keen to do this quickly to move on with his life, but he can’t do that until we’ve been married a year.


#2

Please please help me :confused:


#3

Hi Pucca-

Prayers for the strength to deal with this entire situation.

I'm afraid I don't have much advise that's specific to the situation other than to suggest that you speak with a priest about the entire situation. Explain everything you've told us and then ask his advice.

I do have one other question that might help others answer: Were you married in the Church the second time? From reading the post my guess was yes, because you said the first marriage was annulled, but I thought I'd ask...

Praying for you.


#4

I don't understand what you think you are "going to hell" for. I don't see that you have committed any mortal sin in this situation as things stand now.


#5

[quote="pucca84, post:1, topic:242613"]
I sort of need to know something sort of urgently as I'm making myself really poorly worrying about it. I'm really worried that should I die I'll go to hell.

I got married for the second time last October, I thought I was getting married for life, at the time the guy knew I had issues with my health and fertility. In January he said he wasn't sure if we could still be together, he cited these issues and that he was struggling with coming to terms with the fact he might never be a father, he was also struggling about my health getting worse. I was never allowed to speak to my family when I was with him, he was really funny about me speaking to anyone other than a few friends I had.

A few weeks ago he came to the decision that we were to split, recently I've been really poorly and he was struggling to cope with everything. He's totally adamant that we'll never get back together again, its quite shocking really how quickly he's managed to get over it all. The other day I went to his in tears and he was quite cold, he seems to be looking forward to his new life that doesn't have the burden of me in it.

When I got married the first time I had a son who is now approaching 4, I was discussing the separation with my ex husband as it was going to impact my son. My marriage was made null and void before I married husband number 2 just to let you know. We split due to domestic violence issues, he's had intensive anger management therapy and all that kind of thing to deal with his problems and he's totally full of remorse for what he did to me, he's adamant that it would never happen again. When I was discussing me splitting up from my current husband and he suggested that he helped, I said I was reluctant due to previous issues but I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, should they occur again I would be out immediately.

My first husband knows about my health issues and everything, he offered to help, having me move in with him. We've remained good friends as parents have too. With my care needs and everything like that he really has been totally amazing looking after me so far. The guy I've just left seemed to get totally bored with me being ill and all that, it just felt that he was eager to leave and not have the burden of me.

I wondered where I stood in reference to sin and being able to receive the sacrament and that kind of thing. I'm really scared that should I die I will go to hell.

My first husband is keen once I have grieved the loss of my second husband (who is being totally awful to me at the moment) that we may rekindle things, he's even mentioned that he would get married again in the future as I'm the mother to his child he holds me very dear as a friend, obviously he's hoping for more. I should mention my first husband is also a Catholic. He says that he thinks this is an opportunity from God to prove he has changed and make a real difference in my life. It's so amazing being able to speak to my family again, I think I've already said they totally give their blessing.

I know some hardcore Catholics will say I'm in the wrong, but you really should understand I needed to move somewhere I could get the help I need for my health issues, I needed someone who could support me through all of this, I do feel sort of blessed to have someone there for me who is so supportive, if things progress in the future then its a case of taking things step by step, I won't have any sexual relations before marriage or anything like that as its something that is important to me.

I hope you can see that I'm in total turmoil as to my situation at the moment, I think the most amazing thing is my little boy has his mummy and daddy back together again, we had split custody before as he was always a fantastic father and my family regard him highly.

I know I've said this a few times, but I'm literally being sick with panic that should I die I will go to hell as even thought the relationship has ended I am still technically married. My current husband has looked to divorce me already as he's keen to do this quickly to move on with his life, but he can't do that until we've been married a year.

[/quote]

I think I have good news for you!

Clergy bend rules. It happens. Technically speaking, even physical abuse is no grounds for anullment in the Church: But some Priests may still perform them. Nonetheless, it's technically not quite right.

So really, you should probably still be married (in the Churches eyes) to the first guy, and your second marriage be considered illegal. So, I would have thought you can repent of the second marriage, which you seem to, and recongnize the first as that which "no man can split asunder", which it always technically was.

I think?

Nonetheless, I have to say, I worry about you. Neither of these fellas sounds especially affable. No 1 was violent, no. 2 is uncaring. I pray things work out for you, whichever, especially if they do with no. 1, who is probably nonetheless probably technically your true husband :crossrc:


#6

[quote="Mystic_Banana, post:5, topic:242613"]
Clergy bend rules. It happens. Technically speaking, even physical abuse is no grounds for anullment in the Church: But some Priests may still perform them. Nonetheless, it's technically not quite right.

[/quote]

Priests do not "perform" annulments. And they do not "bend the rules" by performing invalid marriages.

[quote="Mystic_Banana, post:5, topic:242613"]
So really, you should probably still be married (in the Churches eyes) to the first guy, and your second marriage be considered illegal. So, I would have thought you can repent of the second marriage, which you seem to, and recongnize the first as that which "no man can split asunder", which it always technically was.

[/quote]

You are completely mistaken. It is very unwise to give advice when you are so uncertain regarding what are talking about, especially on a topic such as nullity and validity of marriages.

Re-read the OP. The OP stated that she received a decree of nullity regarding her first marriage.


#7

you're no longer married to your first husband, your marriage was annulled. but you are married to your second husband. if you were married in the church, you're married both civilly and sacramentally. to live with another man, esp. someone with whom you have history of intimacy, gives great scandal.

additionally, to move in with a fellow who has a history of abusing you-- especially when you're so vulnerable now, is very very unwise. you say you'd leave in a minute if abuse began, but where would you go? you already have no place to go.

if first husband's intentions are so good, he can support you without living with you. he can help you find resources. he can help you most amicably raise your boy. after a few years of this, he'll have proven his new-leaf change. or he'll demonstrate something else.


#8

I am sorry for your difficult situation and will pray for you.

Please note that you have been married only once (since your first attempt at marriage failed as attested by the decree of nullity). As a married woman, moving in with another man (even if you previously had a child with him) would be scandalous and a near occasion for sin possibly resulting in adultery.

This would also be very confusing to your child.


#9

[quote="lutherlic, post:8, topic:242613"]
....This would also be very confusing to your child....

[/quote]

This was my first thought, what is your child going through?

Are you terminally ill? Do you need to go into a nursing home or receive other care? Is this illness long-term? Are you receiving good medical care?

Do you and your current husband still share a home or apartment? Do you still have furniture and belongings there or have you completely moved in with your child's father. I have to say although I have great sympathy for the predicament you are in; it is really not optimal to move in with your child's father but you already know that.

You are ill, you are vulnerable and your child's father was an abuser. Not only that but there seems to be a huge piece of the puzzle missing here. You have only been married to your current husband a handful of months and suddenly he is cold and cruel and the breakup is entirely his fault? It seems you either married a complete monster without really knowing him or you, too are at fault and not eager to admit any wrongdoing.

So many questions, this is complex. I don't have good advice for you but I can offer you my prayers. God bless.


#10

Yes I admit I must be the worst person out there if my husband decides to leave me after half a year being married.

My husband left me because I can't give him children and because of my health getting worse, both things that he doesn't want to have to cope with anymore. It's easy for people to sit there and say well its not the end of the world if you can't have a family, but it was hard for him with me already having a child and the fact that he'd always wanted a large family of children. It all came to a head with my health after a hospital stay and subsequent appointment with a specialist who advised that I have a permanent diversion of my bowel into a bag. (Seeing as I already had a permanent catheter this was too much for him to handle)

You'll be pleased to know that I've now moved in with my parents, as arrangements have been made to ensure that there's always someone around to help. This has turned out to be a really good option as I am no longer in a state of sin, I've got the love and care from my family around me at this difficult time.

I've got to say I am quite shocked at the tone of some of the people on here, I thought that there was meant to be an element of empathy and support. I can't believe I'm in the situation I'm in now, I admit I've sat there crying my eyes out in front of my husband begging him to change his mind, but he refuses to do so, he wants this whole new fancy life without a wife who can't give him children and a wife who can't do much without help!

Can't any of you see how bad that must make me feel, know that down to things I can't control, a guy that was meant to love me just upped and left because he got bored of the whole situation.

Do any of you have a heart?


#11

I’ve got to say last night I went through the whole process of signing up to donate money to the site on a monthly basis, I’ll definitely be rethinking that if all I’m going to be getting is abuse and people telling me that I’m in some way to blame for this situation.

I hope the hosts of this website don’t mind losing out $20 a month because of the way I’ve been treated!


#12

Praying for you, pucca84,

May the Lord bless you and heal you.

It’s terrible to be abandoned due to ill health.


#13

:confused: All I see is concern for you!!!

Like this:

Hi Pucca-

Prayers for the strength to deal with this entire situation.

And this:

Nonetheless, I have to say, I worry about you.

This:

I am sorry for your difficult situation and will pray for you.

And this:

So many questions, this is complex. I don’t have good advice for you but I can offer you my prayers. God bless.

Not one of the people who responded were anything but concerned for YOUR SAFETY and well-being. Please go back and re-read their supportive messages. What they were concerned about was that you were going back to a man who was not supportive in the first place, not that your current husband deserted you. I mean, they were concerned about that too…Everyone was just trying to help you.

:shrug:


#14

to whom or why you donate your money is your own free choice and your own business. it is notable though, that you feel like all you’re ‘getting is abuse.’ the evidence of such is not on this page.

moving on: what a great blessing to move in with your parents. if/ when you’re ever free to marry again, it’s precisely in this sort of well-supported situation that you’ll be able to, over time, discern your child’s father’s transformation or lack of it.


#15

I’m so sorry for your situation and I can’t imagine the pain and heartache. However, for you to turn around and say no one has been kind and you have been treated so poorly and blamed? I see absolutely no evidence of this.

I see nothing but offerings of prayers and good advice, like seeking the guidance of a priest which would be the first thing I would do.

I’ll say a prayer for you.


#16

I was never allowed to speak to my family when I was with him, he was really funny about me speaking to anyone other than a few friends I had.

I wouldn’t enter into any further relationships until you discover why you are attracted to men that abuse you.


#17

Totally lost here-how did you get that everyone hasn't been nothing but caring and prayerful towards you? Maybe we're wrong-maybe we're missing something. Could you tell us what?


#18

What about the person who suggested that the separation is in some way my fault?

Yes there have been some really nice messages, but then I get back to check and someone is suggesting that in some way this is all my fault! I guess in a way it is my fault because I'm the one thats ill and I'm the one that can't give him children due to infertility issues.

Surely you can see why I would be upset with such a comment.

xx


#19

I don’t know why you are panicked about sin since you haven’t committed one yet, but even if you have, then you simply go to confession.

If you go back to a relationship with the abusive husband the abuse will start again. It is doubtful you were well prepared for the second marriage if the issues erupted such a short time after the 2nd made his vows.

When you are in this much pain the remedy is to seek help from professionals, not strangers on the internet who can offer you nothing but prayer. Do not even contemplate marriage until you have had intensive counselling to help you understand why you have been drawn into 2 destructive relationships. From the bleachers it looks as if your ex is manipulating you by using your current situation and using you.

If you are worried about sin, or any aspect of your spiritual life, see a priest. If some of your issues are physical, see a doctor. If they are psychological and again I am judging only by what you say here, get counselling. Under no circumstances should you bring yourself and your child back into a situation where the abusive first husband has influence over you.

you have received nothing but advice, which you asked for, offers of prayer and answers to your questions. If you find what you have received unhelpful simply ignore any advice that does not apply to you. Do not look for ill motives where none exist.

Since you indicate you do not want advice, feel free to ignore my warning made out of charity and bitter experience. We will be praying for you.

If you cannot be honest with yourself about the reasons you entered into these relationships, and why they failed, you will never benefit from any help, friendly, professional or otherwise. You have a child to consider here.


#20

Which message specifically are you talking about? I have read back over this thread several times and I just am not seeing any condemnation. It comes across to me as concern that you do not place yourself back into a situation which will continue to be harmful to you. We read your initial message and we understand that you are medically affected, which leaves you vulnerable to abuse. That’s why people are saying you need to be careful about going back to your previous husband. I am glad you are now with your parents. Do not make any decisions without talking to a priest, your parents, and others you trust (not your ex-husband or the one who just left!).

Lots of people are praying for you, dear sister.


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