Would anyone else be irritated by this?

#21

[quote="petitfleur, post:20, topic:245668"]
I am coming in a little late I am hearing a lot of yeah buts- and my case is different. And this might not sound nice, you seem determined to have a miserable time. you don't seem to want advise but to complain.....you can do this.
I can go on and on about the crazy things my MIL has done, she is nuts, and I can't trust her with my kids.
How are you enabeling her when you kill her with kindness????? what is the alternative?
Do you think she is looking forward to being alone with you for three weeks without her husband in a country where she doesn't speak the language?

[/quote]

:thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup:

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#22

I have a different take too.

I personally HATE having house guests. The thought of having someone for more than a couple days would totally stress me out. My husband knows better than to even ask for something like 3 weeks. (In my defense I hate being a house guest too).

You were told and agreed to 2 weeks, and your MIL booked for over 3. Not cool, and a total disregard for your wishes and the invitation extended to her. You do not invite yourself over to people's houses even if they are family. You should talk to your husband and he needs to exlain to his mother that 2 weeks was the agreed on time and that is what is being offered. You also need to enforce the time frame you are comfortable with for Christmas as well.

It is unreasonable to expect a 6 month pregnant woman with 4 kids (2 with special needs) to host someone for 2 weeks let alone longer. The fact that no one but you has a problem with this is kinda odd.

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#23

[quote="Alix1912, post:22, topic:245668"]
I have a different take too.

I personally HATE having house guests. The thought of having someone for more than a couple days would totally stress me out. My husband knows better than to even ask for something like 3 weeks. (In my defense I hate being a house guest too).

You were told and agreed to 2 weeks, and your MIL booked for over 3. Not cool, and a total disregard for your wishes and the invitation extended to her. You do not invite yourself over to people's houses even if they are family. You should talk to your husband and he needs to exlain to his mother that 2 weeks was the agreed on time and that is what is being offered. You also need to enforce the time frame you are comfortable with for Christmas as well.

It is unreasonable to expect a 6 month pregnant woman with 4 kids (2 with special needs) to host someone for 2 weeks let alone longer. The fact that no one but you has a problem with this is kinda odd.

[/quote]

Maybe the MIL can't afford a hotel for that long. Perhaps the OP and her husband can put their guests up in a hotel if they would rather that. It might be easier for all involved.

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#24

[quote="sharmin, post:23, topic:245668"]
Maybe the MIL can't afford a hotel for that long. Perhaps the OP and her husband can put their guests up in a hotel if they would rather that. It might be easier for all involved.

[/quote]

Just because you want to visit for 3 weeks and were only invited for 2 doesn't give anyone the right to impose on another person for an additional week. That is the piece that is being missed here. The agreed upon length of the visit was 2 weeks and MIL chose to book for longer. She needs to change her travel plans of make other arangements, not simply expect someone to put her up because she has essentially forced their hand.

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#25

In most cultures it is the norm for a parent to assume they are staying with their kid and invite themselves to stay. My inlaws do, they are from the UK. My brothers inlaws stay for a month at a time, they are from Taiwan. OP's inlaws are from South America. I am assuming don't see the family often, so yes it might seem rude or stressful but hopefully op will make the best of this situation.
I think what everyone is saying that yes they would be annoyed, but are trying to encourage her to make the best of it. I know my inlaws at their age always come for three weeks because the travel is hard on them, they also come out only once a year.
OP's MIL also doesn't speak the language so having her stay in a hotel might not be the best option.

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#26

[quote="Alix1912, post:24, topic:245668"]
Just because you want to visit for 3 weeks and were only invited for 2 doesn't give anyone the right to impose on another person for an additional week. That is the piece that is being missed here. The agreed upon length of the visit was 2 weeks and MIL chose to book for longer. She needs to change her travel plans of make other arangements, not simply expect someone to put her up because she has essentially forced their hand.

[/quote]

I disagree. A mother wants to see her son and grandchildren for 3 weeks. SHe can't expect to be able to? That makes no sense to me.

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#27

I might have missed it, but this is something that should be up to your husband...how does he feel? Honestly feel. Like if he thought you didn't care...how would he feel? I know you wouldn't make him feel as if he needed to choose between you and his mother, but maybe he subconsciously feels that way? Is there a way you can tell him you will do the 3 weeks if he wants them there, because you love him? And if you did, let him choose and handle it himself.

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#28

It seems to me that the main problem is the cultural difference. In most Latino cultures, this is the norm. Several generations of families live together. When the parents live in a different country, it is common for them to come and visit for weeks at a time. I think your husband and MIL probably don't even think it would be a problem because if she can stay longer, why wouldn't she? I know that if any of my or my husband's family members wanted to come stay with us, there would be no question, they're welcome to at anytime. We come from Mexican families.

I think these visits are very important for your children and maybe you could learn a little more spanish to make the visits easier since that is your husband's language and culture.

Just my two cents but maybe the cultural difference is something you could think about to get a different perspective.

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#29

I think you are spot on. This is a cultural thing. When the OP married her husband, she married the entireity of that person…his culture being a big part of who he is.

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#30

After rereading your posts I think the root of the problem lies in communication between you and your husband. I would sit down with him and ask him to at least try and take some time off to take the pressure off. And weather he listens or not tell him how you feel. I will say he might not react well but it doesn't mean he is not listening. At the end of the day your husband is making the plans for her visit especially since you don't speak Spanish.
Perhaps get him involved in the planning of activities. I don't think you should feel the pressure to entertain her. It's okay to just go about your business during the day and let her join in.

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#31

[quote="sharmin, post:29, topic:245668"]
I think you are spot on. This is a cultural thing. When the OP married her husband, she married the entireity of that person...his culture being a big part of who he is.

[/quote]

When he husband married her he also married her as a person in the entirety, including her cultural background and family's way of doing things. He needs to be sensitive to the needs of his pregnant wife as well as the needs of his children. For him to expect his wife to entertain his mother, take care of the kids, and the house while he works long hours is a bit unfair. Then she come to ask advice and everyone tells her she should learn spanish, and make the best of it. I think some accomodation on the part of her husband and his mother needs to be made too. You cannot expect her to completely embrace their culture without embracing hers as well. Perhaps a reasonable comprimise would be that if MIL cannot change her plans, then the husband needs to take time off to entertain and spend time with his own mother and give his wife a break.

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#32

Definitely, I think you need a plan.

I am a lazy thread reader, did you say if your dh can take some time off during the trip?

You should definitely plan some activities out for yourself when yourself when your dh is home.

You might want to invite friends over "to meet" your mil. It can be a buffer. This also might be a nice time to visit some Spanish speaking Masses in your area. Our city has a daily Mass which is in Spanish.

Do they take a siesta in Argentina? I think your mil would respect you taking a nap with the kids everyday.

I wouldn't handle a visit like this very well, myself, but I do see much merit in it. I think probably you just need to get some help from your dh and friends. If your mom lives in the area, it might be nice if she could help you entertain your mil. I've noticed that most grandmas with grandchildren in common seem to get along well.

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#33

[quote="sharmin, post:19, topic:245668"]
If that's the case, I would say you should honestly just deal with it...grin and bear it so to speak. It sounds like you wouldn't be happy with a 3 week visit no matter when the timing may be and that's not really fair to her either. This is her son....she probably has to pay for a plane ride, go through a lot of hassel to get there, and 2 weeks probably doesn't seem worth it to her. I can't say I blame her.

I also feel your pain. I really do. But I think her needs trump yours at this time, based on the info you have given (you don't have to clean after her, you are physically well enough to have her over, etc.). She won't be around forever and your husband and his mother will never get this time back.

Sounds like most inlaws! LOL

I think I would rethink causing all this turmoil, and putting your husband through this with the family he doesn't see very often, for the sake of only 7 extra days. But, just my opinion of course. You need to pray about it and listen carefully to what God tells you. He'll have better answers than we will. God Bless!

Hi Sharmin and Petitfleur,

This is for both of you, as well as for other posters who are of the "go ahead and accept three weeks" school, so I avoid over-posting and over-quoting. I will clarify that my MIL visits for a full month each year. It is not an issue with me refusing longer visits from my MIL across the board or disrespecting her legitimate need to see her son and grandchildren. I will also clarify that we had planned for her to come again this Christmas for another two weeks (which will probably also be three if this one slides)

The plan here had been for two weeks, with her alone in contrast to other years when she comes with my FIL and so has companionship. I believe that three weeks alone in my house with little to do and nobody to talk to much will have a stressing impact, and her tendencies will be to get cranky and hard to deal with. I am a little on edge myself at this point in my life because of other stressors in my life. So this is a matter of prudence and knowing my boundaries.

My husband will see less of his mother than you may think. He works until 8:30 p.m. as a matter of course, though Argentinians do stay up late.

I doubt at this point that I will consider going to be with my parents during her visit as the solution. I consdiered that while still angry. It would be better to contact her myself with my position if my husband will not do it (which he can and should).

I am very appreciative of all input, including those who are disagreeing with me. I had not expected such a long and contentious thread!

God Bless,
Joan

[/quote]

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#34

[quote="Alix1912, post:22, topic:245668"]
I have a different take too.

...You were told and agreed to 2 weeks, and your MIL booked for over 3. Not cool, and a total disregard for your wishes and the invitation extended to her. You do not invite yourself over to people's houses even if they are family. You should talk to your husband and he needs to exlain to his mother... It is unreasonable to expect a 6 month pregnant woman with 4 kids (2 with special needs) to host someone for 2 weeks let alone longer. The fact that no one but you has a problem with this is kinda odd.

[/quote]

Hi Alix,

Thanks for the sympathy! This sort of thing has so many factors that its tough for people to make a judgment about it from a distance. My problem is that I'm so close to the issue that it's hard for me to be certain that I'm being fair to everyone. But thinking it through with the help of the thread is good.

In my MIL's defense, I think communication about the trip length might have been poor, and her overbooking as been tolerated in the past. If she had my FIL with her, I doubt I would be nearly so upset since he would be her principal companion during the visit, not me.

God Bless,
Joan

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#35

Hi Leonie,

My husband will take probably three days for two beach trips, and an amusment park trip, with the MIL and kids.

I find physical “fun” like this tiring rather than enjoyable so I try to let him do as much of it as possible when extended family is in town and I just get a day off. I will do some of it for DH and the family during the rest of the year, but it’s not a break for me since child care at a park is so much more difficult.

I don’t see this sort of thing as taking up more than three days at most- a good portion of a two-week visit, but only a small portion of a three week one.

God Bless,
Joan

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#36

I see, that can be akward. What does your husband think of all this?

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#37

I thought my comment about the cultural difference would help you see your MIL's perspective and see why maybe your husband and her don't think its such a big deal. You haven't mentioned your husband's position on this and I suspected maybe he doesn't see it as a big deal because that is what he is used to.

I'm not trying to disregard your feelings at all. Believe me, my MIL gets on my last nerve because of her cleaning habits and such. So I understand the frustration of having her come stay for an exteneded period. But I think you need to consider another point of view in that in your husband's culture, it is completely disrespectful to tell his mother that her visit is not welcome.

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#38

[quote="Alix1912, post:31, topic:245668"]
When he husband married her he also married her as a person in the entirety, including her cultural background and family's way of doing things. He needs to be sensitive to the needs of his pregnant wife as well as the needs of his children. For him to expect his wife to entertain his mother, take care of the kids, and the house while he works long hours is a bit unfair. Then she come to ask advice and everyone tells her she should learn spanish, and make the best of it. I think some accomodation on the part of her husband and his mother needs to be made too. You cannot expect her to completely embrace their culture without embracing hers as well. Perhaps a reasonable comprimise would be that if MIL cannot change her plans, then the husband needs to take time off to entertain and spend time with his own mother and give his wife a break.

[/quote]

True, and if her parents do things differently he should honor that and honor them as I think you should too.

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#39

That is a tough situation. My only advice is to try to be calm when discussing it with your husband. I do not get along with my MIL and I now realize that when I was angry at her and venting to my husband, it was hurtful to him. I never understood why he didn't see my side. It took my 20 years but I finally get it. Her actions were painful to him. My family is out there with our problems. His family is passive aggressive, cold and unloving.

I just try to avoid her. She hasn't visited in years. I just see her at family get togethers.

I will pray for you.

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#40

Importance of your covenantal marriage comes first and foremost (I mean after God/Jesus), your children next, and somewhere down the list comes respecting your parents.

I still stick with my original recommendation of having your husband set boundaries and expectations. Something like this is (theoretically) an easy fix, something that should not be bringing you down.

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