Would this be considered "shacking up?"


#1

As many of you know, I am about to be married in about 4 months (see counter below). My fiance and I have been thinking about moving to Southern Maryland, which is where we are both from to be closer to our families. His parents are getting older and need help around the house, and we both love it down there.

My fiance was offered a very good job down there this morning. He has to go thru a background check, which he should pass, and when that’s done we are going to buy a house.

Here’s the thing. I would like to move out of my apartment as soon as possible. I don’t have much of a kitchen besides a sink, dorm fridge, toaster oven and microwave. It’s an attic apartment, very small, don’t have my own entrance, etc. On top of that the rent is high, and I’d rather put my money toward a lifetime investment, like a house.

If we get a house before the wedding, would it be acceptable to live together, if we lived as brother and sister? We are chaste now and are totally committed to remaining that way until our wedding day.

Has anyone else done this, or heard of anyone doing this before?


#2

This would be a near occasion of sin, and also could give scandal. I would not advise it. Your wedding is very close, either stick it out in the apartment, or live with your parents for this short 4 months.


#3

I say it depends. It depends on how you feel about appearances. Do either of you have cousins or siblings for whom you are trying to role model appropriate relationships? It also depends on just how much will power each of you has. I think sharing a bedroom would be a bad idea.

How about one of you living with family and one of you living in the new house in S. MD? And you never know, but it might take you all of that 4 months to find a place you like.


#4

Three problems, right off the bat:

  1. The near occasion of sin. (Of course you don’t want to sin or lead him into sin but there you’ll both be.)

  2. Giving scandal to others. I predict that you’ll get a bunch of posts saying that it’s nobody’s business whether you’re having sex or not. However, that’s just the point. Taken at face value, that is the natural conclusion that others will make about you both.

  3. Living together is a privilege of marriage, in my opinion. There is something very special about waiting, waiting and waiting for this gift, rather than getting a headstart on the unwrapping process.

My 3 cents.:wink:


#5

You all bring up excellent points that I have pondered. I would like it to be special when we finally live together as a married couple. As for the scandal, on one hand I care what others think, and on the other I don’t. Sharing a bedroom would be out of the question. We live in an area where shacking up is normal and people already think we’re crazy because we DON’T. Backward, eh? And the poster who said it might take 4 months to find the right house, good point.

What about this…say I decide to wait, when would it be appropriate to move out of my apartment and into our house? A week before, a month before? Where would I stay? My parents live too far down in Southern MD, approx 60 miles away from work. I could stay with a friend or my brother I suppose…


#6

If you decide to wait…then the day of the wedding is the right time to move into the house or shortly after:D
As to where to stay…let your DH (to be) live with his folks and you live in the house:thumbsup: and then he can move after you guys are married


#7

True, but then I’d have to pay another months’ rent. No fun.

Your second point is a good one! I should bounce that off of him.


#8

I think that’s an excellent idea. It will be sooooooo much more special when you come home as husband and wife. I would do nothing to mess that up - regardless of the financial or practical reasons.

I think it’s awesome that you guys are an example that people DO wait until they are married - especially if shaking up is the norm where you live… way to go! :thumbsup: Who knows how many people are noticing your good Christian morals!!!


#9

Bascially the only way to avoid the grave sin of scandal is to post a sign in your front lawn declaring that you are living chastely as brother and sister due to circumstances before your Catholic wedding. Otherwise, those who know you or come to know you (neighbors, aquaintences) beyond common knowledge of your chaste living arrangement will, in our current cohabitating culture, assume that you are of/have joined the ranks of cohabitating/fornicating couples.


#10

Ok…and where can I get that sign? :wink:


#11

SInce you mention that people think you’re wierd for not living together - continuing to not live together could be a good witness to these people around you. Even at the expense of more puzzled looks.

If you buy a house together, it’s probably helpful to be able to have your married name on all the paperwork, presuming you plan to change the name. I can imagine some logistical difficulties otherwise.


#12

Ehhh I live with my boyfriend. We have a two bedroom apartment. I sleep in my room. He sleeps in his. Except when I fall asleep on the couch watching tv, which is like every night. Then he wakes me up by throwing a toss pillow at me and says he can;t hear the tv over my snoring.

I can’t afford to live on my own. It’s too expensive here, and I don’t make enough money. We can split expenses. Plus, we’re going to get married… I’m the one who’s not ready yet. I just don’t have time to plan a wedding, I don’t even have time to plan a teeny tiny moms and dads only wedding. I have exactly one free weekend between now and next July, and there is a good chance that that weekend will get booked soon.

I don’t really care what people say about me “shacking up with my boyfriend” We plan on buying a house within the next year, and it’s just easier for us to save money by being roommates. While my parents aren’t thrilled with the situation, which is a loooong story involving former roommates, the police, stolen property and a lawsuit (that was thrown out).


#13

OP, please don’t take the easy way out and think up a justification for why it is OK to live together before your marriage. It does create scandal whether you care what people think about you as individuals because if they know you are Catholic, then it is just another black mark against the faith. You’ve probably heard some statements like this before. “Those Catholics don’t really follow their own rules. You know they just go to confession and keep right on sinning.” We do have an obligation to not create scandal in our lives and to live as a witness to the faith by our example.

I believe you can find a solution and hold out until you are married. You can offer up all of the inconvenience, frustrations and any extra expense to God for your future marriage/spouse along with your prayers!


#14

No, there are no problems buying a house before getting married. My DH and I bought before we got married (I moved in a month before our wedding and he moved in the night before WITH our whole wedding party crashing in the house, so there was NO funny business going on!) My maiden name was on the mortgage and property tax info until this past summer (16 years) when we refinanced and finally changed the name over.

Actually, I still have a credit card in my maiden name also. I rarely use it, but I still have it.


#15

Yes, that is shacking up.


#16

By appearances, yes. IMO, by her strict definition of what actually is happening, no.


#17

Would you not agree that it is in the appearance where the sin lies?


#18

Are you kidding me - you really don’t know?

You move in with him when you get back from the honeymoon, and not a moment sooner.

You can have your bridesmaids move your clothes and stuff to his place on the morning of the wedding (I think in my case, it was my Dad and my matron of honour’s husband who moved my stuff to my husband’s place - they did it while I was getting my hair done), but you don’t sleep overnight there, or even so much as walk through that door, until he carries you over the threshold, after you guys get back from the honeymoon.


#19

and what happens if there is no honeymoon…does she have to wait for it to happen (the honeymoon) before she can walk into her own house:eek: ???


#20

Hey, thanks for making me feel like an idiot. :frowning:

No, I really don’t know. Do you realize that I am the only one in my family who has NOT shacked up? I don’t know how this is supposed to pan out. That is why I am asking for advice, not to be admonished for not knowing something I was never taught.


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