Would this worry you?


#1

My BIL became a father for the first time yesterday, his girlfriend (both are going through a divorce at present, but she’s been his mistress for the past 2 years) gave birth ALONE after a 3 hour labour, and 2 hours after the birth he still hadn’t left work…Now, my in-laws were with her by then (MIL was fuming BIL still wasn’t there…)…but…what job is so important that when your girlfriend goes into labour, you insist on ‘finishing work’ (he’s a lawyer) before you even take the metro up to the hospital?

Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is weird? I’d like to hear from both men and women, is there EVER an excuse (apart from being stationed in Basra!) not to even attempt to be at the birth of your child, or at least in the corridor if you’re squeamish? A 3 hour labour would have given him ample time to put his files away, walk to the underground station, catch a metro and get to the hospital…it only takes an hour!

Any men here have an insight into why a man would miss the most important event of his life:shrug: ?

Anna x


#2

The whole thing is wierd, expecially the part where none seem concerned that these are two people in the midst of adultery, showing by thier actions and their lifestyle that the most important thing to each of them is themselves. Your bil does not surprise me at all. Disgusts, yes: surprise, absolutely not. He is actually acting normal for who and what he is. Pray to God that he repent, do penance, and grwo close to God…


#3

Ofcourse everybody has metaphorically beaten him over the head with a stick for abandonning his wife of 15 years…but…most in the family feel they can only say it’s wrong, and the rest is up to him.

Interestingly, his wife was infertile and they went through 6 IVF attempts (her religion was okay with that) and a failed adoption…When he got this woman pregnant, she found out…and the rest is history. Interestingly he’s still living with his wife (seperate bedrooms) and only stays with his girlfriend at weekends…So, that’s already odd.

But…apart from all that: for a first-time father NOT to do everything to be at the birth, is that ‘normal’:shrug: ? I said to dh I’d have killed him if he hadn’t tried to be there…

Anna x


#4

Maybe he does not want to be a father. At least not the father of the woman he uses for sex. He wasts to be the fatheer of his wife’s child , not his Mistresses. After all, historically speaking, she has always just been his sex toy on the side. Why would he want to be the ather of a child whose mother he has no respect for?


#5

Interesting idea…We’re getting the idea she ‘tricked him’ into getting her pregnant, so he would leave his wife…He seems very confused as to what he should do, saying on the one hand ‘when the annulments come through I’ll marry her’ and ‘I’d like a family with her’, but on the other hand…it’s all very weird. She has a son with her ex already, and he’s quite a good step-dad to him, from what I’ve seen…so this puzzles me:confused:

Anna x


#6

What a mess your BIL has got himself into. It is so weird that he and his wife tried so hard to get a baby and when that does finally happen with another women he is not there.

Maybe he did not really want a child did that ever cross your mind. Maybe he had already decided a long time ago that it was not going to happen with him and his wife. The fact that they are still staying together sure does say alot. If he has not moved out the house by now he has not intentions of ever doing so. That women is not going to be content to have somebody as a weekend special. The fact that he did not run at a crucial point in their relationship sure says alot.

I would also be angry if my husband was not there for the birth of out kids. That is the amazing part about my ex and me he was there for me right through my 2 pregnancies was there for the birth from start to finish and when his mistress gave birth thousands of miles away her parents were by her side not him. When the child was baptised he still was not there.When the baby was 4 months she left him with her parents to follow this married man and stay with him. He has not really bonded with this child because he has not stayed with this child long enough. What I have realised that my ex does not want the responsibility of looking after kids. That is why it is convenient for me to look after the kids and for him to life his life.

Is your BIL not even excited about this baby that should also tell you alot. Most men get so excited by a birth of a baby they fall over themselves to be there.All you can do now is pray for him and pray that he comes to his senses and realises what he is doing.


#7

This would not worry me because it has already happened. You can not expect for a rosy picture when all the items in that picture are disfunctional. Can it ever be straightened out-yes, all things are possible for God.


#8

DH is an attorney. He made plans several months before DS was born to not have any significant trial work (nothing that would put him in court for more than an hour or two) for the 3 weeks around my due date. Short of delivering preterm, I’m certain that no matter what the work situation, he would have been at the hospital relatively quickly (DS was born on a Saturday, so it never came into play).

I won’t speculate as to what was going on inside this man’s head.

MJ


#9

Robyanne, I’m so sorry you’ve BEEN in that situation…but yes, you do have one thing right: he never once went with his wife to an IVF appointment, even said to me in private he’d prefer the latest BMW…but his wife was desperate for a baby and would have done ANYTHING… When I saw him with his heavily pregnant girlfriend, he looked ‘distant’…but sat with his sleeping stepson on his lap all evening! So, it’s not like he doesn’t like kids, I think…I just think he feels as ‘trapped’ now as he did in his marriage…I’d like to help him sort this out, but I don’t think he really knows what he wants! sigh:rolleyes:

Anna x


#10

Well…he’s only a very junior lawyer as he only graduated last year (after 16 years with British Airways)…so, I can’t imagine ANY court-work to be so crucial he couldn’t have said ‘Gotta go, girlfriend having a baby!’…you know…:shrug:

Anna x


#11

It’s not about what BIL “wants”. It’s about what’s the right thing to do. :rolleyes: First thing would be to stop committing adultery and get himself into the confessional.


#12

Sigh…I agree, and when I first heard about all this, I told him that…I haven’t heard from him since:rolleyes:

The thing is, his wife is a good friend of mine and this is really breaking up the whole family…

Anna x


#13

Aside from the adultery issue, which is clearly the most important issue here, the idea of a man being present at the birth of his children is a relatively recent one.

When I was born in the early 1980’s my dad was there, but this was still something of a new/odd thing in Scotland. I think it’s been around a little longer in the States, but not by much.

Certainly 50 years ago this wouldn’t have been allowed at all, a midwife would rarely have allowed anyone else present at the birth, except maybe an older child to bring towels and hot water.

Some men still don’t feel that childbirth is their area, and it’s not something they feel comfortable being present at, or they would rather allow it to be the mother’s moment alone, as the man can’t really do much other than serve as a punchbag during the labour!

It doesn’t necessarily mean the man loves his wife/partner or child any less. Though of course you’d think it would be something they would discuss as a couple before it happened.


#14

DL82, that thought crossed my mind…but my FIL was present at the birth of his sons born in 1966 and 1971 (in London) and in the corridor just outside in 1963 when BIL was born…which is why I saw ‘or in the corridor’. Yes, he went to see a football-match at a pub while his wife was in labour, but he WAS just outside the door when she gave birth…And these days, here in Britain it’s unthinkable for a husband not to make an effort to be there…look, I see you’re from London: he was in Oakwood, his girlfriend was in Barnet hospital!!! That’s only up the road, and it took him over 7 hours to get there, by which time the baby was almost 4 hours old…

Maybe it’s just me…but if my dh had done that, I would NOT be a happy bunny:mad:

Anna x


#15

Guilt, embarrassment, and shame, can make you act strangely. He is definitely educated enough to know better and plan his time better (especially if he can manage a wife he still lives with and a mistress on the side and a law practice).

God bless the whole family through the hurt and pain of these relationships and bless the new baby and their future.

I’m a “real” Dad - I would and did move heaven and earth to be there in the operating room when my wife had our two boys. I worked 90 minutes away and when I got the call - it was Talladega time buddy. I don’t remember driving there, but I do remember being there to cut the cords and kiss that beautiful mother and baby boy(s).

Good luck and God Bless you and your family. Prayers for healing and comfort to all.


#16

It is hard for me to understand. Seeing my son born was the most profound and amazing moment of my Earthly life. When I held my baby boy in my arms, it was truly the first time I felt unconditional love (in human form). No words could ever capture the joy I felt in my head watching him come in to this world.

Obviously, the situation isn’t ideal and I’ll spare you most of the clear cut reasons because you’re already aware of what is wrong here, but whether or not he was “trapped by her,” as you say, or whether or not he “wanted to be a father,” he is. God has given him a gift more precious than anything and he has a responsibility to accept it.

Psalm 127:3 says: “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward.” Regardless of what steps it took to get your BIL here, he is here and he is blessed.

I don’t pretend to know what is going through his head, but I suggest you talk to him directly, and not in a confrontational manner. Please ask him to talk to God. He needs to work out whatever he is going through, for the child’s sake.

Hopefully, with a little bit of encouragement and understanding, he will fully realize the blessing of having a child. It is the most rewarding of all life experiences. If he doesn’t want to be a part of that, it concerns me. There are only two kinds of people that concern me: *People that go out of their wway to tell you how intelligent they are * and People who don’t like the laugh of a child. This country is full of fathers who don’t want to be accountable, who are ignoring God’s command. Please talk to your BIL. Tell him how blessed he is. Tell him he has to leave his ex-wife’s home and become a man. He needs to be there for his child.

A child’s love is rewarding. When I am depressed about things in my life, all it takes is two minutes playing with my son and I realize how petty my grievances were. From the moment he was born, I was eternally changed. Those who haven’t experienced it, probably can’t understand it. But, I tell you, it was the greatest thing I have ever been a part of. And I would do anything for my son. I’d walk through a volcano in a gasoline suit to be with him.

So please, just talk to your BIL and try to make him understand how blessed he is. For his sake, for his girlfriends sake, but most importantly, for their childs sake.

They will be in my Prayers.

Yours in Christ,
Ryan


#17

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