Would you attend an invalid wedding?


#1

I am at a complete loss. I am really conflicted on whether to go with DH to his mother's wedding. She has rushed into a new marriage after her husband of 25+ years cheated for the second time and left. As far as we know they did not annul the marriage so in my eyes it's one big adulterous mess. We have only met the new guy twice for maybe a total of 6 hours and it was very uncomfortable. I do not get along with his family (though it is now civil, just really forced) and would be forcing myself to go. DH is so uncomfortable and sick over the whole thing but he's too nice to not go as he never sticks up for himself with them.

On top of all of that, even if I can force myself to just go, it is going to be so much work. Our daughter has never been on the car for more than 45 consecutive minutes and hates it. I feel bad putting her through it. It will suck and goes against every motherly gut feeling I have. She will melt down and she has major stranger anxiety. She is still very limited with what solids she'll eat so I'll have to pack everything cause she won't just eat what is there. I am severely lactose intolerant and no lactaid pills work so I can't really eat out and I've learned people just don't get what no dairy means. So I will have to pack all of my meals as well. And it will be memorial day weekend so the roads won't be as safe, the hotel expensive and someone has to watch our cats. :(

I'm tired and don't want to do all that work and be emotional crutch too.

So I need to figure out how serious the whole invalid aspect is. I can't tell if my other reasons for not wanting to go are inflating the invalidity or if that really is serious and truly worth being the reason I don't go.

Would you attend an invalid wedding of a family member?


#2

I would probably go, just not participate in it. Maybe not even go to the reception.

For what it’s worth, my personal opinion is to take a very liberal (not the political or religious usage of the word) approach to attending weddings. I will only not go if it’s something truly bizzare-like a ceremony honoring Jupiter, the space god.

I’ve gone to a commitment ceremony, a civil marriage, etc-I try not to let myself be the judge of the people getting married. I have my opinions, though.

As to the daughter thing-I cannot offer the slighest bit of suggestion because I don’t have kids of my own, and I don’t know ANYTHING about them. I probably couldn’t tell a 3 year old from a 7 year old! :o


#3

[quote="rcmama, post:1, topic:194480"]
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Would you attend an invalid wedding of a family member?

[/quote]

no I would not and have not, but I usually manage to get an excuse that does not outright attack them, you have the perfect excuse in that your daughter, I feel sure, will not be well enough to make the trip and you must stay home to care for her. What DH does is up to him.


#4

[quote="puzzleannie, post:3, topic:194480"]
no I would not and have not, but I usually manage to get an excuse that does not outright attack them, you have the perfect excuse in that your daughter, I feel sure, will not be well enough to make the trip and you must stay home to care for her. What DH does is up to him.

[/quote]

Exactly!!


#5

Honestly, I understand your religious feelings, however it is so supremely judgemental to refuse to attend a wedding. Doing so, with that attitude, has nothing to do with Christian love, or with understanding.

Having said that, I also understand that you are angry at having to play the “emotional crutch” and subject your daughter to it all. So for that reason, I do not think you should go. And in fact, subjecting yourself to a ceremony that causes you so much discomfort from a moral standpoint, is not something God expects, I think.

If you go to support your DH, you’ll hate yourself and him for it. It sounds like you are not feeling truly supportive, and so will resent it.

If you do not go, you will be sending a rather rude message to a family you already have strained relations with. Not Christian, imo, and not smart. So you have to do something.

So here is what I would humbly recommend, since you asked :wink: - write your DH’s mom a really nice note (a card, perhaps?) and say you won’t be there, because you need to think of your daughter and the complications of coming. Wish her all the best (which you DO, right???), and leave it at that. Let your DH go alone. He’s a big boy. Your going along just helps him maintain his bad relationships.

In the end, the truth is, that no matter how you DISAPPROVE of this wedding, it really is not your decision to make. It is in fact, none of your business who she chooses to marry. God calls on you to behave in a manner showing Christian love - such as a kind note would. But judging her. . . that is His role, not yours, Sweetie. ;).


#6

I would go. Just try not to stare. :D


#7

however it is so supremely judgemental to refuse to attend a wedding. Doing so, with that attitude, has nothing to do with Christian love, or with understanding.

it is not supremely judgmental to hold fast to one’s beliefs about what God intended for marriage.

only misguided Christian love and understanding would motivate one to show support for an adulterous union.

the PuzzleA’s advice is good: maintain standards of belief and stay away. maintain an open door for diologue and offer less offensive reasons (and still true ones) to stay away. allow that husband may choose differently.


#8

It sounds like you've got a very good reason to stay behind. Simply say that dd gets very car sick, so you will be unable to go because of that. DH can go by himself if he feels he must. If he does go, he needs to remember that he is there just to see it, not to participate. In other words, he needs to avoid being roped into any specific role in the wedding ceremony. I assume he is also Catholic, so it would be better if he didn't go either. But it doesn't sound like anything short of a puking daughter will be a good excuse for his mom.


#9

[quote="monicatholic, post:7, topic:194480"]

only misguided Christian love and understanding would motivate one to show support for an adulterous union.

.

[/quote]

I see what your saying, I just personally disagree with it. How do we know the details? Perhaps they got annulments and we simply don't know.


#10

This sounds like an awful situation to be in. You are right, without an annulment, she would be committing adultery (Matthew 19:9). I admit that if I were in this situation, I would have trouble making a decision, but I still encourage you not to go. I would be concerned about sending the message to your daughter that invalid marriages are alright. With the health of your daughter and yourself affected as well, I do not think you should feel bad about not going.

Still, I encourage you to approach the situation with a spirit of love.

I saw this link on another thread; maybe it will be of assistance to you or someone else in a similar situation.

I will pray for you and your family.


#11

Perhaps they got annulments and we simply don't know.

perhaps. and then, if OP stayed away, she would be erring on the side of caution in respect to her faith.

if they go to the wedding on the flimsy hope that somewhere, somehow an annulment was granted unbeknownst to them, they'd be erring on the side of weak, wishful thiking.

raskalking, people who value marriage enough to seek annulment are usually the same people who value annulment enough to mention it before they enter into another union.


#12

it is going to be so much work.

Our daughter has never been on the car for more than 45 consecutive minutes and hates it.

She will melt down and she has major stranger anxiety.

She is still very limited with what solids she’ll eat so I’ll have to pack everything cause she won’t just eat what is there.

I am severely lactose intolerant and no lactaid pills work so I can’t really eat out and I’ve learned people just don’t get what no dairy means.

So I will have to pack all of my meals as well.

And it will be memorial day weekend so the roads won’t be as safe,

the hotel [is] expensive

someone has to watch our cats.

I’m tired and don’t want to do all that work

Oh for crying out loud. You’re obviously looking for every excuse in the book not to go. Do everyone a favor and stay home.


#13

Hey now-It’s Rascalking…not raskalking. :wink:

I politely disagree. I’d still go to the wedding, and I place a super high value on marriage.


#14

No, it is Rat-stalking :rotfl:I crack myself up.


#15

You crack me up as well!

I leave the Rat-stalking to my sisters cat.


#16

[quote="Rascalking, post:13, topic:194480"]

I politely disagree. I'd still go to the wedding, and I place a super high value on marriage.

[/quote]

On a serious note, I do not go to invalid weddings because I place a super high value on marriage.

How does going to a fake marriage wedding value marriage?


#17

I don’t presume them to be “fake marriages”.

In my opinion, (and it’s just my opinion) I don’t see how simply going to a wedding implies you agree with everything that couple has done.

Like I said, just my opinion.


#18

But, if we know Jesus said that it is adultery to divorce and remarry - how can we say that a person who gets a civil divorce and remarries is not committing adultery? This one is a clear cut “the Bible says so”.

I know it is your opionion, however, it is a very prevalant opinion and it intrigues this convert that so many Catholics wink at that Scripture passage.


#19

[quote="kage_ar, post:16, topic:194480"]
On a serious note, I do not go to invalid weddings because I place a super high value on marriage.

How does going to a fake marriage wedding value marriage?

[/quote]

I place a super high value on marriage too. Having been faced with a similar situation this past weekend, it pains me to read "How does going to a fake marriage wedding value marriage?" In our case, it was a very difficult decision and I wrestled with it for a very, very long time, as did hubby, and I was never really at peace with our decision but decided to support my husband. Hubby and I sought counsel of our priest and deacon and followed their advice (they each told us that we should go), read everything we could find about attending invalid weddings of family members and prayed a lot about it. In the end, we did the best we could with the decision, though on my own, I likely would not have attended. I do value marriage and I hope in our family case, the relevant party will one day seek and hopefully receive a declaration of nullity and then follow-up with a convalidation.


Civilly Divorced Brother-in-Law Dating Without Annulment - Advice Please
#20

[quote="Rascalking, post:2, topic:194480"]
I will only not go if it's something truly bizzare-like a ceremony honoring Jupiter, the space god.

[/quote]

I don't know...I might attend that out of pure curiosity. :p


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