Would you be okay with this?


#1

A few months ago, a relative of ours was in desperate straights. She emailed us (we hadn’t heard from her in several months, as she was angry with us) and told us her son was in emergency care. She asked for our help. It turned out she was with her son in another state for several weeks, due to his critical condition. Thank God he is now fine and she is home. We did help her financially, as she told us she was not able to pay her expenses. In fact, several family members did help her out in that way.
Another relative called to let me know that same person is taking her entire family, spouse and children to an all inclusive resort next month.
My family will not be taking a vacation this summer, as we can not afford it. In fact we couldn’t really afford to help her when we did, but how could we say no?
Would you be okay with this?


#2

I don't know if this relative actually set out to take advantage of you or not, but even if she didn't, it would still leave a bad taste in my mouth. Not much you can do about it now. You've seen her true colors, so just file this knowledge away for future reference.


#3

If the money was a loan with an expectation of repayment within an agreed period of time, I would have a problem if the time was near and payment was not forthcoming.

If it was a gift/donation - no problem.


#4

[quote="MtnDwellar, post:3, topic:245506"]
If the money was a loan with an expectation of repayment within an agreed period of time, I would have a problem if the time was near and payment was not forthcoming.

If it was a gift/donation - no problem.

[/quote]

I don't know. Even if it was a "gift/donation" it was given because the relative was in a desperate situation. If this relative had said, "Please help me with these medical expenses so that I can afford to pay for a vacation, I doubt the OP would have felt compelled to contribute.


#5

[quote="Lovemyfaith, post:1, topic:245506"]
Another relative called to let me know that same person is taking her entire family, spouse and children to an all inclusive resort next month.

My family will not be taking a vacation this summer, as we can not afford it. In fact we couldn't really afford to help her when we did, but how could we say no?
Would you be okay with this?

[/quote]

"Don't lend money to a friend. It may damage her memory."

It's reprehensible that this woman is going on a lavish vacation when she owes your family money. And I feel for you about having a staycation this summer, which is exactly where I am because of money.

This may sound harsh, but short of starting a feud, I don't see what you can can do to call in this loan. If you have a signed IOU or another kind of loan document that can compell her to repay you, you may have legal recourse. If not...:shrug:

Take this as a lesson learned, I supposed.


#6

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:


#7

[quote="Lovemyfaith, post:1, topic:245506"]
A Would you be okay with this?

[/quote]

well I would have two choices
since now I know about what she is like, and that she will not change, I can . ..
stew about it, build resentment, keep talking about it, make sure I tell the rest of the family, and make myself miserable.
or
make a free gift of the money I loaned her and put it out of my head

since I am not a saint I can only wish I would do the second.


#8

they might of booked and paid for it in advance....that said my in-laws are exactly the same. We gave them a loan to pay their mortgage off several years ago. They had a payment plan in place but pled poverty when it was time. They take extravagant vacations to places like Bali for three weeks, Fla., for three weeks and Egypt for a month. When they came out last to see us and pay back some of the money his mom cried everyday because they would have no money when they got back home and had no idea when they would see the grandkids again.......DH gave half of the money back out of guilt and it was six months later when they went to Egypt for a month:confused:.
It won't go over well with her but I don't think it would be a terrible thing to ask her about it.


#9

I think it all depends on an number of factors, first has anyone called to ASK her anything about this or is everyone just gossipping (mortal sin) about what they think is going on?

It could be as one person said the trip was already booked and paid for in advance.

It could be that a Physician suggested that her son or her needed time away

It could be that she asked for help and when she said, I'll pay you back, they said no no don't do that.

Did you, the OP, ask to be paid back? or did she offer?

I thinks someone should show some honor and actually call her and tell her what the "family" is saying behind her back and get the real info. She may be so caught up in the moment of her sons recovery and on the brink of a break down she not only needs the time but hasn't even considered someone might be angry about it.

And I haven't had a vacation since Clinton left office so I can completely sympathize with your situation.

Joe


#10

[quote="Lovemyfaith, post:1, topic:245506"]
A few months ago, a relative of ours was in desperate straights. She emailed us (we hadn't heard from her in several months, as she was angry with us) and told us her son was in emergency care. She asked for our help. It turned out she was with her son in another state for several weeks, due to his critical condition. Thank God he is now fine and she is home. We did help her financially, as she told us she was not able to pay her expenses. In fact, several family members did help her out in that way.

Another relative called to let me know that same person is taking her entire family, spouse and children to an all inclusive resort next month.
My family will not be taking a vacation this summer, as we can not afford it. In fact we couldn't really afford to help her when we did, but how could we say no?
Would you be okay with this?

[/quote]

No. I would feel used and lied to, and I would never give that person money again. I almost never give anyone money because I have to do it with the expectation that I will never see the money again, and usually the person asking wants substantially more money than I feel I can set free. I had a friend who asked me to loan her several thousand dollars. I told her I could send her about $200 as a gift. I never heard from her again.

The relative who let you know must also have a grudge against the relative who took the loan, or she wouldn't have gossiped about her like that.


#11

Could someone have gifted this family with the vacation?

Could it have been prepaid for/ no cancellation?
Was the money given to her a loan or a gift?
Maybe she doesn't have the money and took out a loan for this vacation as a once in a life time family vacation since they almost lost their son?


#12

Did you give this relative money. Or was it a loan. It's not clear from your post.

Is the vacation paid for with money given to her? Or is someone specifically trying to treat the family?

I get how it leaves a bad taste in your mouth when you help someone with resources you really don't have and then then that person seems to be rewarded for having problems. But I can also see it from her family's perspective. They had horrible problems and now they are celebrating that those problems are over.

It just would have been nicer had they celebrated in a way that includes all those who had helped them. But when people are in desperate situations they often are unable to comprehend that anything matters other than their lives.


#13

[quote="jwashu, post:9, topic:245506"]
I think it all depends on an number of factors, first has anyone called to ASK her anything about this or is everyone just gossipping (mortal sin) about what they think is going on?

It could be as one person said the trip was already booked and paid for in advance.

It could be that a Physician suggested that her son or her needed time away

It could be that she asked for help and when she said, I'll pay you back, they said no no don't do that.

Did you, the OP, ask to be paid back? or did she offer?

Whether or not she asked to be paid back isn't the question. OP hasn't heard from this relative since this happened. Even if someone said don't pay me back I would do something else to show appreciation.
Why shouldn't she ask about the vacation? If this relative did nothing wrong it's better to clear this up than to go on thinking she is using people. I didn't say confront her or pick a fight.

I thinks someone should show some honor and actually call her and tell her what the "family" is saying behind her back and get the real info. She may be so caught up in the moment of her sons recovery and on the brink of a break down she not only needs the time but hasn't even considered someone might be angry about it.

And I haven't had a vacation since Clinton left office so I can completely sympathize with your situation.

Joe

[/quote]


#14

I was typing on my iPad and it didn't scroll down to the bottom:D
The point isnt weather she asked to be paid back or not. It doesn't sit well it sounds dishonest. She hasn't heard from this relative since this happened. If it were me and I couldn't pay someone I would try to pay them back some other way to show gratitude.
Why not ask about the vacation???? If there is a simple honest answer what is the harm? better than thinking this person is behaving sketchy. I would rather someone ask me than think I was dishonest or using them.


#15

As someone who is not religious I would have a lot of difficulty dealing with this sort of thing. I would wish I were a Christian so I could 1) give freely because it was asked of me, 2) not judge and 3) if the facts were clear, forgive. Then I would have a clear happy mind and be able to get on with life. actually despite my lack of belief I do try to do these things - they are part of the many sensible aspects of Christian tradition.


#16

I think Annies answe is better than mine....but would probably still at least ask NOT CONFRONT them becuase it could be something innocent.


#17

[quote="Lovemyfaith, post:1, topic:245506"]

Another relative called to let me know that same person is taking her entire family, spouse and children to an all inclusive resort next month.

[/quote]

All you have is gossip and heresay. Who is paying? When was it paid for?

People often book vacations well in advance of the travel dates. We booked one last year for this year. It's already been paid for, but we are just traveling NOW. (good thing, too, because the air fare alone has about doubled since we booked the tickets!)

Maybe her son is paying for it. Fact is, you just do not know.


#18

You heard a rumor. It will naturally be difficult, but reserve judgement.

I would ask yourself this about the conversation to which you were directly a party: Why did the other relative say they were call telling you this? Were you commenting that you were short of money? Did the topic just show up in the conversation, because it is interesting to know what nice things the relatives are doing? Do they have any other motive for wanting you to know this? Did they also get hit up for money, and now they're trying to build a coalition to confront this relative about it? Do they have a habit of stepping in to "fix things" where they aren't asked?

Consider that there are many motives that could be at play, and what rules you'd like to have in place when the tables are turned and it is your judgement that is called into question. It is easier to reserve judgment than to take it back once you've let it fly.


#19

It would certainly put a bad taste in my mouth I doubt that I would help her again financially.but I would continue to pray for her.


#20

[quote="EasterJoy, post:18, topic:245506"]
You heard a rumor. It will naturally be difficult, but reserve judgement.

[/quote]

I couldn't agree more. Years ago, my wife and I were in dire financial straits. We found ourselves having to borrow money in order to make ends meet. A couple months later, Christmas rolled around and I was lambasted by a few people in my family for giving "lavish" gifts to my wife & son. The people who criticized us knew we'd borrowed money but didn't bother to ask if we'd paid it back (we'd paid back about 80% of it by that point), or how I'd been able to pay for those Christmas gifts (they'd been bought early in the year using a bonus I'd gotten from work). They also didn't let the fact that I didn't let my wife buy me anything for Christmas so I could keep paying back the money and not go further into debt stand in the way of telling me (and others) what a terrible person I was.

As for me, I refuse to loan money to family or friends anymore. If I can afford to give it to them, then it's a gift. There's nothing more harmful to a friendship than borrowed money.


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