Would you consider a guy who does not have time for you?


#1

I have been thinking hard about certain happenings in my life lately.

My bestfriend called me a few weeks ago announcing that her brother, a medical doctor, has never stopped thinking about me. My first reaction was “giddy”, as I admire him very much—I find him very intelligent.

You see, a few years ago, it had been our habit to go out on friendly “dates” after work. People said then, if it feels like a date, looks like a date then its was a date. But I couldn’t exactly say those were dates (in the romantic sense) because he never defined the relationship.

When he quit his job ( we were working for the same company then), it was a big disappointment for me to find that these friendly “dates” were co-terminus with his job with the company. There was no effort on his part to contact me save for a few text messages here and there and the usual Christmas present he drops off in our house for me every year for over a decade already. This is even though he knows my address, telephone number and cellphone number.

I was told that he was a busy doctor and that he was cautious with women.

Since then, I dated other guys (not at the same time). Though I like this brother of my friend very much, the other guys made me feel more treasured. One guy even went out of his way to visit me several times here in my country even though he had to attend business elsewhere.

I thought, this guy could find time for me even though he lives in another continent, why can’t this brother of my friend do the same when we live in the same country, about 1 1/2 hours drive away from where I live?

The other guys were gentlemen and good to me, but my problem was that they were not Catholic. I guess, its hard to shake off the thought that I can only marry Catholic. This brother of my friend is Catholic.

Then, a few days ago, his sister in law invited me to their house for lunch. They told him to sit beside me…and we just looked at each other knowingly that his family was at their “matchmaking” mode again. We’re used to it. You see, before his dad died, he told the sister in law that he "wished"that his son and I will end up together.

Though I felt grateful for his father, who I loved like an uncle, for thinking that I was worthy for his son, whom he raised lovingly. To me, this was a most beautiful compliment from his father but it is not “written in stone” that we all have to follow it.

During lunch, the sister in law regalled us with a story about an uncle who got old never marrying…perhaps to “scare” us to stop
taking our time. I know she had good intentions…truth is, I am at a point in my life where I think that I am getting past my time and this story did hit home.

After lunch they told me that they wanted me to see the brother’s new place, which was almost finished. When we got there, the brother told me that he made sure that his place was color blue. As he well knows, blue is my favorite color. Even his plates were blue! I am not sure if he was hinting that it had something to do with me.

Then he showed me his cablinets saying, “See, I made sure that I have a lot of storage.” Last New Year (2007,not 2008) I told him that my mom didn’t like that filled my pink room with big blue plastic boxes in an attempt to organize my stuffs. His reply made me pause then, “I’ll make sure I’ll have lots of storage in my house.”

Then when we got to the bedroom…he said, “I thought I’d end up with a single bed, but I decided that I needed one that could fit two people.” He seemed serious.

Me…I was confused, but my heart did “jump” and just mumbled “Oh good.” and quickly joined the others outside. The things is, at this point, after seeing him only one week a year during the past years since we stopped going out, I felt that our friendship had regressed to comfortable but “shallow” friendship. Many things have happened in my life and I don’t know much of what is happening in his. My group of friends know more about me than he does!

I feel that it was like “I was just starting a new sentence…suddenly I am thinking of the period at the end of the paragraph.” It felt like skipping everything in between…especially the “getting to know you” part and it felt a bit odd.

Later in the car, his sister in law told me that she had asked him, “You like her…she likes you…so what is the problem?” His answer was that he didn’t want to get in between me and my dream to work abroad. He was scared that given the choice…I would choose the latter. He doesn’t know that I am taking this course because of necessity.


#2

Honestly, I like him very much and would like to get to know him better. It is true that I feel my “biological” time is ticking loudly already…and that I shouldn’t wait too long if I want to have my own children…but I am thinking too much “why’s” and “what ifs” lately—like, “Why doesn’t he have time for me now if he really likes me?” and “what if he is just feeling the family pressure?” and “what if I ended up with him…what about my responsibilities to my family. I would still need to work abroad and he can’t leave the country because his work is here.” and “what if time passes me by and I live the rest of my life regretting never having children of my own.”

Most important of these issues are: “Can I consider a guy who did not make time for me?”

I prayed that if I was to marry, that it would be someone I could make happy, but at the same time, someone who could truly love me for who I am." If its not meant to be, then it will be God’s will and for the best.

Please pray for me to know what vocation is best for me: Single blessedness or marriage. I feel the pressure pulling me both ways.


#3

Hi

Being single is a difficult choice, so is getting married. It sounds to me that he does not understand how you feel. Suppose you sat down with him and talked to him. Tell him you like him and want to date him. Ask him if he would like to date you. Anyway, something like that. If you do marry him you will have to resolve many questions in your future, so you might as well get started with that one. Sounds like he wants you in his life. Be encouraged and be gentle. If he has feelings for you that might explain why he is still single. On the other hand, maybe he really doesn’t want to get married to anybody. But, before you do all this make sure if he says yes, he wants to date you, that you are willing to give dating and marriage to him a chance. If you really want to be single then be single.

God Bless and good luck.


#4

You need to cut children out of the equation. Don’t think about that right now. You owe him more than just viewing him as a possible man to father your children. Maybe he has waited to pay off student loans and stuff and waited to be able to afford a wife.

There may be cultural differences and customs at work here about meeting and greeting and dating? You need to spend more time with him. If he has no time for you, he’ll be the kind of husband who is never home. If you can’t live with that, and don’t want a lovely house full of children but a busy husband, then follow a different dream.

Or maybe he’s shy. We aren’t the ones to ask. You need to spend time with him. You will either both discover you really love each other deeply, or you will find you would rather be alone.


#5

Simple answer to your question: NO
Kathy


#6

Let me tell you the one thing I know about men:

Men make money and time for the things they WANT to make money and time for.


#7

Quick answer: No.

Find out his priorities and where you would be on that list. It better be no lower than #2 (with God being #1.)


#8

I gotta tell ya, this would confuse me too. Why not ask HIM directly - "Do you want to make time for me, court me with an eye towards marriage, or not?"
Go on…I double dog dare you…


#9

No way. To quote the title of a popular book, “He’s just not that into you.” Sorry to say, but if he were really into you, he would be calling and pursuing you, not treating you as he does. If he doesn’t change his priorities, you are dooming yourself to a lifetime of loneliness if you marry him. In fact, it might do you some good to read that book. It does contain some sexual stuff and language that are not consistent with Catholic teaching, but the basic message applies regardless of religion.


#10

1ke, you are an extremely wise woman.


#11

Ma. Eugenia, I’d probably hesitate if I were you. It would be one thing if he was often in touch, but couldn’t make time to see you. Not making time to send you an SMS or an e-mail makes it harder to believe that he’s really interested.

I think he’s not convinced that he could have a place in your life plan. He probably believes your hopes and dreams aren’t compatible with his, like you suggested. The problem here is that he hasn’t made a chance for the two of you to discuss it. He has just decided on his own that it couldn’t work out. Maybe he has changed his mind now, but I’m a little concerned that he’s the type of man who would make important, life-changing decisions without consulting you, if you dated or married him.

I had a man interested in me a few years ago. He smiled, he dropped hints, his friends always sat him next to me… but for over a year, he never asked me out. Finally, I asked him out. He said no. It turns out that although he was attracted to me, and wanted someone like me, he had already decided that it could never work out. It didn’t stop him from continuing to give me mixed signals, though.

My boyfriend (who is Filipino, by the way) was really not confident that he could have anything to offer me - he has a large family at home to support, a low paying job, and not much education. But that didn’t stop him from approaching me and giving me the chance to say yes or no - and it didn’t take him a year or two to make up his mind.

I think that if your friend were really interested, he would have said something by now. The fact that he hasn’t suggests that he sees major problems with the possibility of marrying you. Maybe he’s wrong, but that doesn’t offer you much comfort if he’s willing to give up on you that easily.


#12

I agree with everyone here…if a man wants to be with you, it won’t take eons to make that known–and if it does–I am not sure I’d want to be with someone who takes that long to decide if he wants to even spend time with me! ha

I have two words for all single women…don’t settle. Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t treat you with respect. Don’t settle for someone who you need to compromise your values to be with that person. Don’t settle for someone who make empty promises and never follows through. Simply put–don’t settle. :slight_smile:


#13

generally, i’d say, Eugenia, keep walking. but there are some weird clues and hints. you sound old enough to be able to say to him, “Answer me this:…”

if he’s not thinking on you, the WORST you will be is embarassed and disappointed, but then you’ll get your brain/ time/ emotional energy/ life back, uncluttered by his stuff.

as for your potential family obligations-- if you are called to the vocation of marriage, then extended family and parental obligations are not FIRST (except maybe in a crisis), but they’re not ignored, either.


#14

Funny… I just got this in my email today:

Saved & Single

  • Author Unknown

What makes you think that just because I am an
Attractive woman of Godly intelligence
That I’m incomplete without a mate?
Who told you
that
Without a man
Something’s missing
From my life?
And if so,
What would that be?

Love?
I love myself
And more importantly
I love the Lord
He told me that when I delight in Him,
He will give me the desires of my heart
Security?
I have everything I need according to His riches in glory.

Intimacy?
Now, how’s a man going to get to know me
When he doesn’t even know who he is in the Lord
See my Father told me I’m above a ruby’s worth
And a gem does not seek
It is sought

I’m single and that’s all right with me

See,
it’s not that I oppose relationships
It’s that I detest co-dependency
As a woman
I know it is not my role
To chase after any man

Esther 2:14
reads That I am to wait on my king and when he’s delighted in me. He will call me by my name.

My Lord does not intend for me to be needy or desperate.
I am to be Cherished, Relished, Valued, and Honored,
It’s not my job to convince him
Or Convict him of that,
My mate will already know it
And consistently show it
And he will stay on his knees daily
Not just to adore me
But to praise the Lord for
The virtuous woman he has found
So, when you see me by myself
I’m not alone
I know what I have coming to me

I’m single and saved, and right now that’s all I need to be!


#15

Nice post liberano!:thumbsup:


#16

Odd that I was just responding to a PM in a similar fashion regarding my Journey Home…

Sometimes our plans, our best laid plans, aren’t what God has in store for us. We have our free will and can always force the situation but I believe if we trust in Him, He will lead us where and when.

If this person is a Medical Doctor he has been working and going to school non-stop for probably 8 to 12 years now… As I was almost a Physician I can tell you that all my friends who are had little or no time for their family (if married) or friends for years.

Perhaps the reason things didn’t work out then is because he truly would not have had time for you. Perhaps he didn’t push the relationship then for fear of loosing you forever… who knows… God knows.

I would definitely pray about this… AND I would talk to him. You are both adults now, lay it on the line. Tell him most of what you told us here. Tell him that you had feelings for him but then he just disappeared and ask why… see if his response is reasonable. Tell him you were looking to study abroad out of necissity but aren’t tied to those plans. Ask him if he has feelings for you, if he does and you do, just ask him if he wants to start spending more time together to see where it takes you.

That’s probably very difficult and may even shock him at first but I believe honesty is most important. You aren’t kids anymore, no need to play games. Given and no age do you want to scare someone on a first date or re-date with “what are we going to name our kids” type stuff. But there is no reason if you loved each other as friends at one time that you can’t now take that to the next level.

People sometimes forget or look for a mate in all the wrong ways… our culture definitely promotes that. I’ve always stressed that your spouse must first be your best friend (not a popular idea in HS and College, heh). If you can’t be friends first, why do you think you have any hope of spending the rest of your life together? Best friends will share more than physical love, they will share a love for Christ if they are both Christians and His Grace is what will keep you together in the long run by bringing you closer than you ever thought possible.

So I say give it a shot :thumbsup: What do you have to loose?

Joe


#17

Yeah, that is so frustrating. I had one like that in my life for awhile, but I never asked him out, and I’m glad I didn’t! :blush: Turns out he was sort-of-engaged (ring but no date set) to someone else whom I’ll call “Annie,” and never so much as mentioned her to me! Yet he would hang out with me at church, greet me with a hug, etc. It’s as if he was keeping me around as a backup in case things didn’t work out with Annie. :rolleyes: Eventually he took a job transfer to the other side of the state and left both of us behind. Rather than seeing Annie as the competition, I felt badly for her and kinda wanted to give her the heads-up that her man was hanging around with other women and not letting on that he was in a relationship with her. But I kept my mouth shut and minded my own business.

So, Ma. Eugenia, don’t follow Annie’s path to heartbreak. If this guy isn’t making his intentions clear, he most likely doesn’t **have **any real intentions!


#18

While he may not have intentions he could also be somewhat shy, especially if he has spent many years alone he may not know how to verbalize those… I still say better to find out than spend your life wondering what if :slight_smile:

Joe


#19

I agree don’t settle, (not saying this guy would be a settle though) and men/women make time for what they want.

My DH started law school soon after we were married and getting to know his single friends I noticed that they didn’t have committed relationships and the relationships they did have were with others in Law School because they had no time, and people who weren’t in school with them didn’t understand. Maybe this guy is scared that you wont understand the demands on his life as a Doctor? I agree you should ask him, he might think that you aren’t that into him, as my DH says - sometimes guys are dumb - spell it out for him. :slight_smile:

Mary


#20

The guy’s not into you. If he were nothing would stop him from pursuing accept your request for him to do so. Life too short to pine over this guy. Tell him how you feel. If he’s willing to put up the goods and make an effort then maybe there’s a future there but if not be prepared to let the relationship go. If you settle for less then that’s what you’ll get. :thumbsup: It’s hard but it’s the truth and it took me a long time to learn it. Spare yourself the pain and stick to your guns…not literally of course…:smiley:


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