so I went to mass and adoration tonight, and then a lady from church insisted on driving me home.
the my thing is, my mom has this weird thing where she doesn’t like people knowing where we live. though to be fair, the lady actually accidentally dropped me off infront another house, so technically she didn’t bring me to my house
anyways, my mom asked me if my dad had picked me up and I said no, she then asked if I came home myself, I had started to wakl away at this point and sor ot mumbled yes, but I kind of thought she was still referencing me coming myself without involving my dad. but what she probably meant is if I came home on my own taking the bus.
I feel like I lied, without meaning to, even though she didn’t directly ask me if someone drove me and I would have told her if she had asked that. but a part of me feels like I was avoiding answering because she would be mad…
also, is it disrespectful to let people drive me even though my mom has this paranoid thing? she thinks people will get jealous of our house or something like that.
would you guys say this is sin?
I know if she were to find out now that someone drove me, she would probably think I lied to her because I didn’t mention it and sort of let her believe that I came on my own
i don’t think you sinned,.
But I think you should clarify your situation. Are you under age? If so it’s important to follow your parents’ rules.
I would think it would be safer to have someone drive you home, if you know them, than walk or bus alone after dark. But I think you should ask your mother what she expects. Is it all right for you to accept a ride home from church?
If not, you could just say to the well meaning woman that your mother doesn’t want you to accept rides home.
If you’re an adult, then of course you could make this decision for yourself.
she doesn’t like people kknowing where our house is, she’ll say I could have asked my dad ot pick me up, but he doesn’t always want to or have ime to
and if they give me too many rides, they get mad when they have to pay for more gas. so I try to take the bus or go on my own whenever I can.
I am not underage
I told my dad before I left church that she was driving me since he texted to ask where I was and he said it was fine. and she didn’t actually stop right in front my house so technically, I guess I could say that
You didn’t sin in taking the ride. Your problem is when you purposely avoided telling your mother the truth. You’re in college now, and you must explain to her that people (maybe due to your disability) feel obligated to offer you a ride. Ask her if she would rather you be rude and not explain why, or would she rather have you explain that she doesn’t like people knowing where you live. Those are both very difficult positions to put you in.
It’s your prerogative to accept in charity, those charitable acts of others.
If you don’t want a ride, you can say so. :shrug:
I find it more disturbing that you would rather suck it up with a casual acquaintance from church than tell your mom you got a ride home.
If your mom would rather you be at risk on the city bus than accept the kindness of a fellow member of your parish…well… I don’t know what to think about that.
Her thinking is skewed, and you are affected by it.
Next time, just tell the truth. Or take the bus.
accepting a ride is not a big deal and I don’t like being put in a position tha makes something like this difficult
I have tried to talk to her about it, her answer, either I get myself home or I shouldn’t be going. or ask my dad for a ride, but he’s not always happy to do it
and this parishioner is very persistent, she will not let me go on my own, I’ve tried. and she’s also not just a casual acquaintance, I know her quite well and we are pretty close. and if I mention this issue with my parents, she will try and go talk to them about it, which is an extremely bad idea, my mom is not someone you want to get in an argument in with. and if she does get mad at someone, she will do everything she can to keep me away from that person, I don’t want this to happen with this other lady
my mom just doesn’t trust anyone, she thinks she’s the only one who really cares about me and that the rest of the world is just out to get me or take advantage of me. but I’m tired of living like that, I don’t want to be afraid or mistrustful of everyone
do I need to go to confession for this? I thought not revealing truth wasn’t necessarily a sin? I wasn’t really trying to deceiver her per say, because she was mainly talking about if my dad had picked me up, which he didn’t, but I do know that if I mentioned getting a ride, she would be mad so I avoided that part since I didn’t want a big issue out of nothing. and if she gets mad about that, I just will have to stop going to daily mass or adoration. they already don’t understand why I want to go
I think your mother does have a right to know when you get rides from folks that she hasn’t okayed to know the location of your house. Therefore, I do think that you have a moral obligation to be up front with her about such information.
But I also wouldn’t consider this – for what little my opinion is worth – a mortal sin, surely.
The best option would be to respect her wishes, but to try to negotiate with her. If she is unwilling, then this should be accepted.
I think it would be nice to tell her about the situation, and to let her know that you won’t do that anymore.
I think that a visit with the priest is more in order for your mom.
She seems to equate love with control. She really needs to talk to a priest about this, but from what you’ve said over time, I doubt she will ever go.
In short, she’s made herself a career out of shepherding you. Which is her job as a mom. But it’s also her job to prepare you to leave the nest, not fearing that you will leave and never return. She’s afraid.
My suggestion? Do what you need to do within reason, and with safety in mind. And don’t try to hide your comings and goings. Once your parents understand that you can be trusted, that you are not trying to oppose them, that others also can be trusted, they might see you in a different light. Like a young woman growing up, and being able to stand on her own two feet.
It’s worth a try anyway. They might respect you more if they didn’t have so much control. Maybe they believe that you can’t make a decision on your own. I don’t know. :shrug: Hard to say.
I wasn’t really trying to hide it either. I just don’t want to get in to a full blown argument over something like this so I just thought it wasn’t really worth bringing up
and you’re right, she won’t go to the priest, she thinks she’ll be judged
I haven’t mentioned this yet but my dad had an affair 12 years ago, that’s when things really went off the rails
she just hasn’t been the same since then. yeah, they’re still together but the marriage is not really there.
as a result of this, she compensated by overprotecting me, everytime she sees me going somewhere, she thinks I’m also going to betray her somehow. there are many conversations of “I’m the only one who really cares about you, once I dead, you dad will just find another women, if he hasn’t already got one.” or “I can’t count on your dad to take care of me when I’m old, so you have to do it.”, it really causes a lot of pressure
I can’t say that it’s hasn’t gotten a little better, at least she does let me travel on my own to school and some other events. but my dad just gets mad if he has to pick me up too often. I try not to cause trouble for anyone by taking the bus as much as I can.
but you mentioned it, how do you mention that your mom doesn’t like people knowing you live? that is just weird and no one gets it.
I just usually don’t bring this stuff up because I don’t want to fight
Protecting yourself form emotional abuse is not a mortal sin, particularly if your Spiritual Director knows about it and you guys are working on it. Just my 2 cents.
I get it. My mama didn’t ever want anyone to come over to our house. I could never have kids over, and I couldn’t spend the night anywhere or accept a dinner invitation because they might expect me to reciprocate. But not because people would be jealous. She was ashamed of our home. It was all I knew, so I thought it was fine, Plus, on the long walk home, I had often stopped in at the other kids’ houses, and believe me, they were just ramshackle as our little place. But she was mortified. We used to visit all the relatives before they might EVER have a notion to drop in on us.
I get it.
Women feel the need to be perfect sometimes, and since she was put aside for another woman, this has made it a HUGE deal to her. All you can do is reassure her that you love her, you’ll not abandon her in her old age, and that you’ve got to get out, make friends, do things to make you well rounded so that you will be fairly successful in order to accomplish what life has in store for you.
She really needs to talk to the priest. Judging? People think that any opinion that is opposed to theirs is a judgment. It would take a huge amount of trust in a very good and approachable priest. Pray about that, maybe someday one will appear in her life. In the meantime, respect her, and tell her you love her. That’s what she is craving. It’s not about the ride or the other lady, or anything. It’s about her insecurity.
The only thing you can effect is how you interact with her. Your dad? Another story. They need counseling. Sounds like they won’t go though. :shrug:
Commend them to God’s mercy.
thanks for the advice, always appreciated, even though it seems like I’m stubborn and don’t listen
I guess it was feeling like sin because I avoided answering a question that I knew wouldn’t go over well. I didn’t exactly tell an outright lie but I guess my silence let her believe something that wasn’t necessarily true. she didn’t push the issue though so I just let it pass. if you know what I mean.
it’s not just the rides either, there are other similar things, for example, she always tried to make me lie if we ever go on vacation. that puts me in an akward spot if someone asks if I’m doing something over the holidays, if I say yes, they always want to know where, if I tell them and my mom finds out, it’s no end of trouble for me. either that, or I have to tell lies, which I don’t want to do.
sigh… I have hope hat one day it will get better
but you are right though, I know it’s not really about me, this is collateral damage for everything else she has to deal with. and I understand why she does the things she does, but I still find it irrational behaviour. I feel trapped by her problems when I’m trying to find my own way through life.
having the disability makes it difficult too, since she basically thinks the rest of the world will just hurt me and do bad things to me. which, yes, can and does happen but I know God will give me the strength to deal with it. and also, not everyone is like that either. I don’t want to live with fear and mistrust that have been instilled in me
anyways, my main concern for the moment was receiving communion tomorrow but I guess it’s ok for now
One of the things I always tell my students is that we have to pack our bags for Mass. We need to bring our thanks, our love, AND our problems and lay them upon that altar. When they take up the offertory gifts, mentally put all your worries and fears with all the money and prayer intentions.
Remember the Divine Mercy prayer “Eternal Father I offer You the Body, Blood, soul and Divinity of Our Lord Jesus Christ in atonement for our sins and those of the whole world.”
Look up at the huge crucifix in the sanctuary. See His arms outstretched ready to carry this for us.
God bless. Hope you have a lovely Mass tomorrow. Goodnight!