Would you consider this infidelity?


#1

my husband didn’t come home from work on time. I knew he was at this club he started recently going to. He goes to clubs before, but now he’s started going to dance clubs. I went there after I talked to him and he said he would be home in 15 minutes and wasn’t home over an hour later. I went there and found him inside dancing with this woman (I want to use another word here :mad:). She was rubbing her backside against his umm…you know and he was closing his eyes enjoying it with his arms around her dancing. I was so mad, I grabbed him and yelled at him right there. She looked at me and swore - knowing who I was.

He had the nerve to tell me that I embarassed him infront of the people in our small town and that he coulddn’t go back to work or face anyone.

I am almost 7 months pregnant!!! And he’s worried about embarassment? I asked him why he wasn’t embarassed that some “woman” was rubbing herself on him while his 7 month pregnant wife watched and his “friends” watched. He said she was drunk and grabbed him to dance, grabbing his arms and that he wasn’t holding onto her. It looked like he was holding onto her to me and I asked if I was supposed to believe a 120 pound 20 whatever year old (he’s a few yrs from 40) FORCED him to dance. He said no.

Then he called and said that he understands why I’m upset and that a married man shouldn’t be doing that. I am sorry but that’s not enough.

I mean, I can’t get over this. How am I supposed to get over this??? I don’t think he’s going to stop going to clubs - I can’t trust him. And he thinks I’m too clingy and that I check up on him. I check up on him because he is doing this kind of stuff. He doesn’t get it. I can’t leave but I don’t know how I am supposed to stand this. I keep picturing him and her and wondering how many other girls has he done that or worse with??? It’s driving me crazy.


#2

I understand fully and completely how upset you are. In MY book, it is. He was not getting those feelings from his wife, and was undoubtedly sexually enjoying himself. He lied to you as well.

Where you go from here? I don’t know. My car automatically goes to church…

I’m sorry, honey!!


#3

I’ll let others haggle over whether it’s infidelity or near occasion of sin, etc. In any case, it is unacceptable behavior and needs to stop. Married men have no business in a “meat market”. You need to have to have a heart to heart (possibly with a neutral party) and get clear what your expectations are for each other. Prayers for you!


#4

All my heart goes out to you. You have to sit down and explain why this is unacceptable and you have to try and do it in a way that doesn’t seem to judgemental. His behaviour is completely unacceptable, I would be very interested in talking to him personally and finding out what the hell he thinks he is up to!! :mad:

thinking of you and praying for you!

xx


#5

Hi. I feel sorry for you and your husband.

First of all, what your husband did was not proper (you can say it is not right) by knowingly and intentionally going to the place where he did. Drinking and doing the thing with other women that he should have done with his wife is not right for a married man. The fact that you are well advanced in your pregnancy and he did that is simply inconsiderate, irresponsible, unfeeling and cruel.

I cannot say for sure without adequate information from you but this kind of happening does reflect the state of your marriage and relationship as well. In this case I think it is not too good. I am saying this because you have to realize this first - your husband action can be a result of the kind of relationship that exists in your marriage.

The good thing about all this is that he was sorry for his action. There is no point in ‘keeping score’. I would strongly advise you to take the ‘olive branch’ and move on to work to restore what had been damaged by his irresponsibility. You did not do well either though I cannot blame you much - but of course you should not have done what you did in public like that.

In a case like this the solution is always forgiveness. Forgiveness is a big word; it is difficult. I just can understand what you have gone through but you have no choice but to really forgive sincerely and be pro-active about it and mean it like you really are forgiving him. You need to ask for forgiveness too for not being able to control your anger and he has to forgive that. Both are hurt. He is hurting too even more by his irresponsibility towards you.

Forgive him and love him. Show what a good and loving Christian wife you are. Unfortunately or fortunately, this always starts with yourself first. You may not like to hear that but it works like that.

Pray for your marriage, for a good husband/wife relationship and God to protect your marriage because it is a gift from him. He is the third person there and he will protect it.

God bless you.


#6

I wouldn’t say that his behavior was textbook infidelity, but obviously your relationship is in big trouble, and he is having loyalty issues. He NEVER should have been in that place, and to blame it on the other girl makes it even more despicable. You guys need marriage counceling ASAP; if he won’t go, go by yourself, it will give you strength and perspective to plan for the future for you and the baby. :hug1:


#7

Hi,

I know how you feel. I don’t want to overwhelm you with my story. Pray. It is so powerful. Pray for your husband’s soul. He has fallen and his soul is in danger. As his spouse you are responsible for his salvation.

If he keeps on misbehaving offer your pain to the Lord. God instituted marriege therefor he protects it. Think of the most beautiful gift God gave you: a BABY!

I know it sounds so simplistic but our faith is simple.

Physical or verbal violence doesn’t help at all. Concentrate on your baby. You have the upper hand because you have his child not this prostitute.

If your husband believes in God tell him he has committed mortal sin. He cannot go to communion without true remorse and confession. If anything should happen to him (God forbid) his soul will not be with the Lord. You know this.


#8

What he did was wrong and terribly mean, but he said he was sorry. He needs to gain back your trust. He can’t go out anymore …no facebook or myspace, no strange, private calls…
Good luck to you and your baby:)


#9

Healing this is not easy and requires that you both are willing to work hard to create an environement that healing can take place. Ive seen marriages fully restored by doing the things I’m going to describe.

Rebuilding trust will involve him accepting and behaving as a person who is not worthy of it anymore. As a person who lost something too valuable to not do whatever necessary to have again.That means maintaining whatever level of communication that prevents you from re-experiencing feelings of abandonement. That means informing you if he isn’t where you expect him to be. He must account for his time and blame himself for any embarassment or humiliation he feels. He must strive for presenting you with and being a person who would never do this to you. He needs to become a person who you would think could never purposely damage your trust. For your part if trust isn’t renewed in you, you must begin treating him as someone you trust even if you don’t. You have to pretend like you trust him and strive to not allow your feelings of distrust poison the family environment.

I’ve seen the damage caused by full blown infidelity healed this way.

A touching story of healing I can relate happened to a newlywed couple.I know

In the first month of their marriage she didn’t come back from a visit with her brother and her whereabouts were unknown untill she returned home the following afternoon. The evening she was gone was not accounted for in a way that satisfied reason for such a complete absence. No call, no way to contact, complete abandonement with reasons completely lacking the seriousness required for such an inc ident. I mean she wasn’t buried in an avalanche or taken hostage at a bank or anything. Finally she admitted to spending the night in the arms of her exhusband. He decided it was too much and decided to call it quits. This, believe it or not, wasn’t included in her assessement of possible results for her actions. When she realized she had destroyed their newly formed marriage she was willing to do anything to restore it. She did precisely what I described above and was willing to do it for however long it took to heal her husband. They preserved a peacefull existence, but once or twice a month he would need to discuss how she could cheat on him and who she loved more him or the ex, in short he doubted her love for him. This would fill an entire evening sometimes two and reduced her to a sobbing wreck every time. In other words he would kind of need to talk it out every few weeks or so even though she was accepting herself as unworthy of his trust and enduring any humiliation and even these cyclic episodes without a hint of complaint.

On their first anniversary they had just been going through one of these struggles the day before and neither had planned anything special. He was reflecting over the year gone buy and was confused as to why things weren’t working out. He blamed it on the depth of the hurt she had caused and was unable to appreciate how focused her life had been on restoring their love. She went upstairs and prayed for God to give her whatever it was that he needed from her. At that moment she said she began seeing the last year like a movie film but not as herself. She was being shown the year from his eyes. It broke her heart. Downstairs he suddenly saw her as having been a very good wife for what could be called the entire year. She had been a good wife he made cry every few weeks without fail like an appointment that couldn’t be missed… As he was becoming aware of this he saw her face in his mind crying. He had for the past year a very good wife who’s love was sacrificial and precious. He had been a husband who need to rehash history had made a deeply loving wife cry systematically without fail continuously. Her crying face didn’t register in his mind as something worth consideration before. Now the image of her crying face was indeibly etched in his mind and it seemed to reappear periodiclly just as he had made it happen and would moved him to bury his face into hands and weep every time.

This was their present from God on their first anniversary and they never experienced the cyclic episodes again. Their love had grown stronger than it ever was before.:bighanky::heaven::bounce::heart:

Oh I forgot to mention that he was a lapsed c\Catholic who returned home and she became Catholic. This experience was a beginning of a life of faith and renewal and a properly ordered matrimonial bond.


#10

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