Would you marry someone who was divorced twice?


#1

Hi, I am on my second marriage and I fear it might end in divorce.

My first one was annulled, and I believe I would easily qualify for a second one. Long story short, I seem to have a pathological attraction to women with low self esteem; or maybe rather, they are attracted to me.

But the question is, if you met someone you really liked, but after a few weeks he (or she) revealed to you that (s)he was twice divorced, would that be an automatic deal breaker? Naturally, I’m talking about a twice annulled marriage too.

There was a time in my life when I used to be very judgmental of divorced people, but wow…I’m not so judgmental anymore.

In my case I have no children (turns out I am infertile), I am very much a practicing Catholic.


#2

I would certainly get marriage counseling and try to save the marriage.

I am also divorced, remarried to a wonderful man for almost 13 years (my first marriage was 1 year and a half old)

With my first marriage, I begged and pleaded with him to go to counseling with me. I remember praying to God very hard to save my marriage. The very next day, because my ex was very immature, he kicked me out of his parents’ house. (Alcoholic who couldn’t hold a job and his parents tended to enable him.) But I did try to save it, so I am at peace for what happened afterward.

I hope the two of you will be okay…will pray for y’all.


#3

Two of the nicest men I know are both in their 4th marriages, both very happily (this time).

If I were looking for a husband (I'm not; I'm discerning a call to the religious life), I would be far more leery of a man my own age who had never been married.

So a divorced man has made a few bad choices--haven't we all?? I wouldn't judge.

Miz


#4

#5

Well, first of all by calling yourself divorced twice yes a red flag would go off in my head a lot faster than if you said 'I have two annullements'. It might be a play on words but it would still make a difference to the person hearing it.

As for hearing it after a few weeks Definetly a deal breaker. Unless someone asks directly, I would hold off telling them.

I would make sure I told the person all the work I did. eg I use to tend to attract woman with low self-esteem and I examined myself to find out why that is. I found I used to (xyz) and I changed that by doing (ABC).

Then you can tell them about the 2 annullements after they know you have taken steps to avoid a third annullement.

Here is the catch. You actually have to take the steps to become more healthy and have the fruits of your work show before you can date again. If not, you will be in the same boat againg

CM

PS, I was simply answering your question. For the record I agree with trying to save your marriage


#6

In all honesty it would probably be a deal breaker. After being married for almost two decades, I KNOW firsthand that it takes alot of dedication and hard work. How easy it would have been to just throw in the towel, many times.. but my husband and I both value marriage and our family too much to ever quit.

I would worry that a person divorced 2X was a quiter.

So fight to save THIS marriage so you'll never have to worry about what someone else thinks.


#7

It wouldn't be a deal breaker, unless they had kids. I don't want an ex hanging about, and children bind two people for life (ie child support, having an excuse to always talk).

Of course, try to save the marriage! :)


#8

It would be a deal breaker to find out the guy was wondering if it was possible to marry someone else while he was still married to his 2nd wife.


#9

Dude, you aren't even through with your second marriage and you're already thinking about lucky number 3.

But to answer your question, it would be a deal breaker for me. It shows that the person puts more thought into what they will eat for breakfast than who they will supposedly spend the rest of their life with. I don't want anyone with that kind of poor judgement in my life.


#10

I tell this story often:
I used to know a couple before I was married myself, second marriage for both of them. They were both past the age of having children when they married, their children were all adults, but they were both very involved with both his children and hers. They got along well with his ex-wife. I once had a chance to talk to him outside of her earshot, and learned a lesson I won’t ever forget.

He told me that he wished very much that he had figured out what was going wrong with his first marriage before he had given up on it. When his second marriage began to hit the skids, his second wife insisted on counselling. Through that, he realized that at least part of the problem was him. Actually, what he told me was that the problem with both marriages had been that he was a jerk, while convincing himself that all the problems were someone else’s fault. Once he realized how he needed to change, and began to change himself, the second marriage went very well.

He said he would never tell his second wife this, but that he regretted that he hadn’t figured this out sooner, because by his reckoning, instead of having two families to look out for, he would have had one family with better relationships and less damage done to all involved.

He said that he tells everyone he knows who is contemplating divorce not to leave the marriage until they have gone to the trouble to figure out what went wrong. He thought that this was the least you owed to your commitment to the marriage. You don’t leave until you know the problems can’t be fixed, so at the very least you don’t go jumping into the same problems all over again. Otherwise, his theory was that you’ll usually be attracted to another person very similar to the first one, ignore the warning signs you ignored the first time around, and you’ll be in the same boat again. It’s been twenty-five years since he told me that, I’ve seen marriages come and go, some lasting and some not, and I think he is absolutely right.

If you can, get counselling with your spouse. If you can’t, get counselling alone. Get a legal separation, if that is needed for your safety, for the safety of children, or for just protection of mutual assets. Otherwise, try to hang in there and be no less than decent in your behavior, no matter what your spouse does. If it is within your power, don’t divorce until you know that the marriage is ruined, as well as what ruined it. Don’t date again, even if you are granted a decree of nullity, until you’ve looked well into what your contribution has been to these situations. When lightning strikes twice, you gotta wonder if you’re not looking at a lightning rod.

By the way, “low” self esteem isn’t an impediment to marriage, per se. Most of us have low self-esteem, under certain circumstances. Few of us are so healthy that we are unaffected when those close to us undermine our self-esteem or when we encounter difficulties and failures over a long stretch of time. There are people who always humble and healthy, but a lot of validly married people don’t quite reach that benchmark! :rolleyes:

Seriously, though, consider the possibility that if being married to you hasn’t improved your wife’s esteem of herself, you may even, unknowingly, be part of her problem. This is a particular concern if you sense you have a pattern of attracting women with low self-esteem. I would be careful with the use of the word “pathological”, though. Though you might truly be displaying the effects of some psychic injury of your own, lacking some particular skills and virtues of relationship doesn’t make you diseased. You may simply be ignorant of what to do, and may mean well and go about “helping” in unhelpful ways that actually undermine your relationship. When you learn a healthier way that works better, you may be only too happy to employ your new-found skills. It is not as if we learn relationship skills by instinct. If there is one thing that The Fall means, it means that virtue is no longer our first instinct.

Remember the famous definition of a dsyfunctional family: “A family with more than one person in it.” You’re not going to ever find an easy marriage or an easy family, only a difficult marriage or family whose work, stresses and frustrations you wouldn’t trade for the world. Believe that your marital problems can be solved until you’ve proven otherwise…and may God be with you!


#11

[quote="agapewolf, post:8, topic:199084"]
It would be a deal breaker to find out the guy was wondering if it was possible to marry someone else while he was still married to his 2nd wife.

[/quote]

Exactly what I was thinking!


#12

[quote="agapewolf, post:8, topic:199084"]
It would be a deal breaker to find out the guy was wondering if it was possible to marry someone else while he was still married to his 2nd wife.

[/quote]

Yes, that is an extremely bad sign, particularly if the suitor tells about his musings later in life without ever hearing the irony in his own story. I would run, not walk, from someone who was back in the dating scene for Round 3 who was still that clueless.

Still, having been tempted by the devil doesn't put you in league with the devil forever. It is possible to catch on to the Old Liar's game. Usually the truth you need to do that requires looking very hard at yourself, though!! :rolleyes:


#13

I’d have to say it’d be a deal breaker for me, but then I don’t believe in divorce for myself.

I’m sorry, but when you say that an annulment for this second marriage should be easy to get you sound cocky. It sounds like you haven’t figured out what is wrong with your choices and why you have went into the marriages for the wrong reason. And forgive me if I’m wrong, but from what I gather, it’s harder to get a second annulment than a first. Because, with the first you should have learned what you did wrong before you started on your second marriage.


#14

I do so enjoy watching the Devil’s machinations take shape in a single reply. What was right becomes wrong. Watch the progression here.

  1. Note the men who have been married 4 times. The implication is that with practice comes success. Sacred oaths before God and man are secondary. Note the emphasis that they are “happy”. Happy trumps holy.

  2. Rather than view divorce as immoral, we now view the unmarried guy at a certain age to be suspect. Unlike the divorcees, he respected the sacrament and either never found a wife or decided he could not go forward with it at the time. The man that remained unmarried, and doing nothing wrong, becomes worse than the man who marries and divorces and rinses and repeats. Quite the inversion there isn’t it?

  3. “So a divorced man has made a few bad choices–haven’t we all?” Note how those “bad choices”, presumably the sin of divorce, are equated with any bad choices. Divorce is no more severe than cheating on your taxes or running a red light. It’s all relative. Which leads perfectly to

  4. My personal favorite: “I wouldn’t judge”. Never mind the fact that we are all called in the Bible to constantly judge what is holy vs unholy. We are called to judge ourselves first and then others. We are called to judge and embrace what is Godly and judge and reject what is ungodly. Even the phrase “I wouldn’t judge” is itself a judgment about judging.

One of the main reasons for so many divorces is the failure to judge. Divorcees are not necessarily toxic, but anyone thinking of marrying a divorcee should be doubly cautious for themselves and for the divorcee.

I can’t think of a more appropriate time to judge than when getting to know a spouse.


#15

Nope. It's a deal breaker for me.


#16

Also, if a tribunal finds that the state that led to the invalidity in the marriage (e.g. lack of intention, mental illness, incapacitating immaturity) still exists in the person, then the decree of nullity issued may include the condition that the person still having the original incapacity is not free to marry. IOW, there is no guarantee that a person who was declared free to marry after a first annulment will also be declared free to marry after a second one, since the evidence is different.


#17

Excellent post!!!


#18

It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, but it would be a serious, serious concern. It goes right up to the line of "deal breaker" and might cross it.

Perhaps if your always attracted to the wrong type of person it could be a problem with you as well. Not saying anything, and certainly not trying to downplay your concerns, but to me, it could be a problem with the picker and pickee (know what I mean?)

Depending on ages and circumstances, two divorces is a mega red flag, regardless.


#19

[quote="Miserys_Fence, post:3, topic:199084"]
Two of the nicest men I know are both in their 4th marriages, both very happily (this time).

If I were looking for a husband (I'm not; I'm discerning a call to the religious life), I would .

So a divorced man has made a few bad choices--haven't we all?? I wouldn't judge.

Miz

[/quote]

But you are judging, by expressing the profoundly ignorant, uncharitable and downright offensive sentiment that there's something wrong with a man your own age who has never been married.


#20

Divorce is a sin???

Living in an abusive situation with one party unwilling to behave as a married individual (that means more than adultery), who steals your money and credit cards, refuses counselling, tells your at least every other day to get the hell out of the house, won't sleep with you, refuses to keep a job, won't come home till 3 in the morning, and feels we should suffer for his refusal to live like a law abiding mature citizen, has no use for the Church whatsoever..just does whatever he feels like doing and to heck with anyone's feelings ....divorcing him (a state action) is a sin?

Even after 15 years, I don't feel the least bit of guilt divorcing my ex. I hope it was a wake up call for him.

Sorry, but I think I had very good grounds (in the eyes of the State and God's) for cutting ties to him. Marriage to him was impossible. And yes, I prayed, and I prayed a LOT. I got my answer when he threw me out of the house after all of the good I tried to do for him.

Sorry, but this comment hit a nerve with me.


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