Wow...sinking deeper than ever


#1

****....If I had imagined giving up my addictions to God would have ended up like this...I would have thought twice...

The anxiety is so bad at times....and the mood swings that now I know why I had them....

I seriously want to have an accident...like going to the railroad tracks...

ending the pain...
...the craziness...

I almost feel unsalvageable....

I dont know who I am....where I am , where I am going...

I dont event feel like asking anyone for prayers, but here I am on the Prayers thread...just wanting to die

Feel sick...dont want to go home even....

Had a hard time leaving my home this morning, had a good couple hours where I volunteer, but now....I am sitting in my office....after having cancelled appts with my clients...and I cant move....dont even care

Cant act on my addictions...cuz I gave them to Jesus for Christmas


#2

are you going through the battle alone? no support group? priest etc?

i have to run now, but will come back tomorrow. keeping you and everyone on caf in my prayers.

peace, peace, peace be with you! Lord guide this poor person.

jen


#3

[quote="jen_fla, post:2, topic:182870"]
are you going through the battle alone? no support group? priest etc?

i have to run now, but will come back tomorrow. keeping you and everyone on caf in my prayers.

peace, peace, peace be with you! Lord guide this poor person.

jen

[/quote]

Thanks Jen

No...no support group...there isnt one in my small rural community...
not even for my addictions...been looking for quite some time
....not even for incest survivors either
Priest cant give me the kind of help I need....
Am supposed to see a shrink...next month
see a spirtitual advisor once a week...thats about it
she tells me if I have to learn to parent myself...HA!
easy to say when you dont have depression, anxiety and whatever else....


#4

Please get help to get through this part… it gets easier afterwards but you need support. Even a friend who knows you or a prayer partner or clergy person or someone. This sounds serious. I agree with above poster. Do not do this alone.

You have my prayers.

PS. we posted the same time so I want to add… that parenting yourself stuff is a horrible thing to say! If there is nothing in your area, how about getting a phone book and looking up a hot line for addictions or depression? Or crisis? sometimes a listening ear like that can help a person get some coping ideas till they can see someone in person.


#5

My dear child of God, you are suffering with a severe bout of depression. Been there, done that. You must seek professional help now. Your suicidal ideations are really troubling. Please know that what ever you are feeling now will pass. As a stop gap measure know that your concerns, although very real now, when put into perspective may not as great as the wonderful things in your life that sustain you. God bless and talk to someone very soon. You are not alone.


#6

there is a post by another also suffering with depression and other issues, its been posted to recently… many of the commentors suggested prayers and readings that i think you may also find of use.

I personally have found teh reading of the Screwtape Letters to be of great value. especially the advice “the devils favorite sport is to make us give up when, had we but known it, help was about to arrive…”

first, call a hotline, talk to your priest, ask for a referral to a Catholic friendly therapist even if it means going to the next town
you need to see someone …you need to get help with this.
you may indeed need to learn to “parent yourself” but you need more immediate support right now.

until you can get more professional help, i will advise spending time in adoration of the Eucharist, and the Rosary.

The Rosary keeps your body AND mind busy, and is a great comfort. i suggest www.rosaryarmy.com as a good starting place.

i will also say that many people find physical exercise or motion to be of great use (unless your case doesnt, please do not do anything that would be harmful to you)

I would advise the Memorae…
Remember, O gracious
Virgin Mary, that never was
it known that anyone who
fled to thy protection, implored thy
help or sought thy intercession was
left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence,
I fly to thee,
O Virgin of Virgins and
my Mother; to thee I
come, before thee I kneel,
sinful and sorrowful;
O Mother of the Word Incarnate,
despise not my petitions, but
in thy mercy, hear and answer me.
Amen.


#7

[quote="FMLJoliecouer, post:3, topic:182870"]
Thanks Jen

she tells me if I have to learn to parent myself...HA!
easy to say when you dont have depression, anxiety and whatever else....

[/quote]

I;m remembering you in my prayers tonight.

One night a very close person in my life told me she couldn't stop thinking about how alone she was during a traumatic period of her childhood. That loneliness was a source o both bitterness and sadness. Not to mention an ever pervading sense of loneliness that never went away. I said that I wish there had been someone there to share her tears back then, She hadn't been very much in touch with the pain of her childhood experience untill she cried for that lonely abused little girl herself. She could understand and forgive the absent mother who wasn't able to cry for her daughter when she was finally able to do it herself.

Not sure if this relates to you at all but this incident came to mind when you wriote that about parenting yourself. My heart reaches out to you and what you wrote makes you very dear to me.


#8

[quote="FMLJoliecouer, post:1, topic:182870"]
****....If I had imagined giving up my addictions to God would have ended up like this...I would have thought twice...

The anxiety is so bad at times....and the mood swings that now I know why I had them....

I seriously want to have an accident...like going to the railroad tracks...

ending the pain...
...the craziness...

I almost feel unsalvageable....

I dont know who I am....where I am , where I am going...

I dont event feel like asking anyone for prayers, but here I am on the Prayers thread...just wanting to die

Feel sick...dont want to go home even....

Had a hard time leaving my home this morning, had a good couple hours where I volunteer, but now....I am sitting in my office....after having cancelled appts with my clients...and I cant move....dont even care

Cant act on my addictions...cuz I gave them to Jesus for Christmas

[/quote]

I hope I am not out of line and I will take the chance based on the seriousness of the situation and my own personal experience. I have been in the place where I have felt abandoned by everyone in my life because there was a lack of understanding, but by the grace of God he spared me; although at the time I did not feel it nor know it.

May I ask what are your addictions? Don't answer if you feel uncomfortable you could say something generic like drug or sex or nothing.

This book helped put things into perspective for me and so I am going to post a link for it.
HERE

Immediate access to "When the Darkness will not Lift" click here.

Father, You gave life to FMLJoliecouer for your purpose's, which we cannot always see nor comprehend and in out human frailties we fail to see you in all things as we want and desire. I pray you will take FMLJoliecouer by the hand and make your presence and your will known. I ask Father that you would take the heavy burden of addiction and bear it for FMLJoliecouer and bring someone alongside of FMLJoliecouer to which they can drawl comfort and support in this terrible time of grief, anxiety and depression which has debilitated our neighbor; I beg you Father to intervene and express your love , kindness and mercy so that through FMLJoliecouer your name will be glorified. In Jesus name I ask amen....with tears of sorrow for I hurt with you and wish I could do more.


#9

Almighty Father I beg you to help your child get rid of his additions and be able to come home to you on this earth. Please Lord give him the strength to overcome this pain. Help him to know that you are always with him and will never leave him.
May he have the wisdom to search for our Lady your Blessed Mother and ask for her intersession. Show him the way to the rosary... please guide him..

His hands are in yours my Lord

Amen


#10

[quote="Benadam, post:7, topic:182870"]
I;m remembering you in my prayers tonight.

One night a very close person in my life told me she couldn't stop thinking about how alone she was during a traumatic period of her childhood. That loneliness was a source o both bitterness and sadness. Not to mention an ever pervading sense of loneliness that never went away. I said that I wish there had been someone there to share her tears back then, She hadn't been very much in touch with the pain of her childhood experience untill she cried for that lonely abused little girl herself. She could understand and forgive the absent mother who wasn't able to cry for her daughter when she was finally able to do it herself.

Not sure if this relates to you at all but this incident came to mind when you wriote that about parenting yourself. My heart reaches out to you and what you wrote makes you very dear to me.

[/quote]

Actually....that was very helpful....you reminded me of how sometimes I have asked Jesus to hold the child i was and then we hold her together....then I dont feel I am doing it alone....in defense of my spiritual advisor, she doesnt really know how bad things have got since I havent seen her in a week....I did call her tonite after my earlier post and it was helpful....even though I was just anxious then...not really depressed


#11

thanks to all for your prayers....
Although I am up and down alot...I do know that it is helpful to just have people praying for me...


#12

Praying for you and hoping that you will find a support group to get you through these rough patches ...

Hail Mary,
full of grace,
the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb,
Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of our death.
Amen.


#13

Praying hard for you.


#14

[quote="FMLJoliecouer, post:10, topic:182870"]
Actually....that was very helpful....you reminded me of how sometimes I have asked Jesus to hold the child i was and then we hold her together....then I dont feel I am doing it alone....in defense of my spiritual advisor, she doesnt really know how bad things have got since I havent seen her in a week....I did call her tonite after my earlier post and it was helpful....even though I was just anxious then...not really depressed

[/quote]

Hope you are doing better today. Jolie, do you or have you ever kept a journal? You seem to know your ups and downs pretty well. Imagine Whirled Peas. :D


#15

[quote="Benadam, post:14, topic:182870"]
Hope you are doing better today. Jolie, do you or have you ever kept a journal? You seem to know your ups and downs pretty well. Imagine Whirled Peas. :D

[/quote]

Yes...I do keep a journal, but more recently I started keeping a mood tracking journal...

THings have just gotten worse this January becasue work has come to a standstill, and I cant find supplementary work...which I have been looking for for ages

I have started going to daily mass again...i hope that continues...


#16

hi FMLJoliecouer,

sorry i haven’t been on caf for awhile.

well i am really sorry to hear that you are going through all this in a small rural town. that must make you feel even more isolated and alone… and my friend, you simply can not go through all this alone. no one can. you must rely on God because no therapist or drug can heal the pains of sexual abuse. yet at the same time, you must be aware of how God can work through people like a good physician that can help you with the right treatments.

one of our members posted an old russian saying that went something to the effect of a man was drowning in the ocean and he cried out to God to save him. God replied, swim as best you can and i’ll take care of the rest. i think i just mangled that saying, but regardless, you might have days where you can’t swim at all and the best you can do is literally just ask God for help. only He knows what you are and are not capable of. your posting here has meaning. your life has meaning and if you say yes and completely give over yourself to the Lord, something beautiful will come from the horrors you have had to endure. i know i am fast forwarding to the future but i do believe with all my heart, that if you stay close to God, there is a place on the timeline that is waiting for you and when you arrive at the place, you will find out that you now have the strength and desire to help those that have been down your painful path. you could be the person that you need right now to someone else. you are needed in this world and your experiences no matter how unspeakable CAN grow into something larger than us all and CAN clean up some spiritual pollution that plagues us.

so that probably didn’t help and i hate how my eagerness to reach out to you comes off like a silly little pep talk…but i am here for you if you want to pm me and just vent about things.

i also found these caf groups under addictions.

and online there are message boards for incest and rape survivors.

aftersilence.org/

pandys.org/

and praying the rosary in front of the exposed Eucharist is far too valuable for me to express. even if you don’t feel the benefit in that moment, you will notice a difference at some point in your life. Mother Mary please intercede for our new caf family member. guide, heal and protect FMLJoliecouer.

praying for you, :hug1:
jen

ps i like the saying on after the silence’s site:

“the lotus is a flower that rises from the mud. the deeper the mud, the more beautiful the lotus blooms”


#17

I don't understand your situation, but I can empathize with the feeling lost part. I hope God guides you. Peace be with you.


#18

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen.


#19

I’m only vaguely familiar with a mood tracking journal. Inputting the day is more structured ? Being out of work isn’t fun anytime that’s for sure. I get depressed if looking for it doesn’t fill my day. Daily mass is a very good thing. Rub some of that Grace on me. My devotion hasn’t been exemplary to say the least. Keeping you in my prayers. Marv.


#20

From all eternity, O Lord, You planned my very existence and my destiny. You wrapped me in Your love in baptism and gave me the Faith to lead me to an eternal life of happiness with You. You have showered me with Your graces and You have been always ready with Your mercy and forgiveness when I have fallen. Now I beg You for the light I so earnestly need that I may find the way of life in which lies the best fulfillment of Your will. Whatever state this may be, give me the grace necessary to embrace it with love of Your holy will, as devotedly as Your Blessed Mother did Your will. I offer myself to You now, trusting in Your wisdom and love to direct me in working out my salvation and in helping others to know and come close to You, so that I may find my reward in union with You for ever and ever. Amen.


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