I know some of you have been following my thread about my situation. The divorce is almost complete. I’m still heartbroken. She has made absolutely no contact over the past couple of months. Yet I’m still really saddened, frustrated and hurt. Emptying boxes of both of our stuff just to repack it was really difficult. It hurt me to see her clothes and all of our pictures. Me moving was supposed to be a joyous reunion of us. It is so empty to be in an apt alone. I’m usually a happy person but I’ve become really depressed. Just a couple of months ago I thought we were ok, not amazing, but well within that range to make it. Now I find out she became very active in the whole same-sex world very early on after she moved. I’ve also heard rumors of worse things that she has done since moving (paid opportunities). This behavior is just so not like her.
For my part, I am really saddened because on reflecting on my actions in the marriage, I know I was not perfect. I struggled at times with pornography. A struggle I kept secret. Because of that struggle I would sometimes make mean comments asking her to dress more seductively and focusing on the lack of sex as well. I justified the porn b/c of the lack of sex. She justified the lack of sex due to me being lazy around the house or too tired. She always accused me of being selfish. In some ways, she was right. But in others, she was really wrong. I took care of almost every one of her needs. I paid for her grad school, she had a new car, a nice house and anything she wanted. At times I admit that I was controlling but I was also learning and felt I was becoming less so as I matured. Since being separated, I have really turned back towards God. That struggle was really removed from my life completely by His grace. I remember praying last year to God to break my heart of stone because I was becoming someone that I didn’t want to be by drinking too much (not all the time, just more than I should’ve been) and lacking the compassion for people that I used to have. I hate that sin stole my marriage. I never really despised sin before this. I more bargained with it. God removed a boatload of temptations and struggles for me…unfortunately, I lost my wife in the process.
I guess I just want to know if I should attempt to write a letter to her before the divorce is final. I don’t even know what to say but I don’t want it on my heart that I didn’t try everything. I want to express my hurt, my sorrow for my sins against the marriage, my love for her, the sadness and frustration at her not even being adult enough to let me know it was over. Yet my other burden now is that my family says that she has hurt me so much (and acted so gravely against marriage vows) that if I ever got back with her, they would not talk to me anymore. What would you do? What do you recommend?