Write her a letter? What do I say?


I know some of you have been following my thread about my situation. The divorce is almost complete. I’m still heartbroken. She has made absolutely no contact over the past couple of months. Yet I’m still really saddened, frustrated and hurt. Emptying boxes of both of our stuff just to repack it was really difficult. It hurt me to see her clothes and all of our pictures. Me moving was supposed to be a joyous reunion of us. It is so empty to be in an apt alone. I’m usually a happy person but I’ve become really depressed. Just a couple of months ago I thought we were ok, not amazing, but well within that range to make it. Now I find out she became very active in the whole same-sex world very early on after she moved. I’ve also heard rumors of worse things that she has done since moving (paid opportunities). This behavior is just so not like her.

For my part, I am really saddened because on reflecting on my actions in the marriage, I know I was not perfect. I struggled at times with pornography. A struggle I kept secret. Because of that struggle I would sometimes make mean comments asking her to dress more seductively and focusing on the lack of sex as well. I justified the porn b/c of the lack of sex. She justified the lack of sex due to me being lazy around the house or too tired. She always accused me of being selfish. In some ways, she was right. But in others, she was really wrong. I took care of almost every one of her needs. I paid for her grad school, she had a new car, a nice house and anything she wanted. At times I admit that I was controlling but I was also learning and felt I was becoming less so as I matured. Since being separated, I have really turned back towards God. That struggle was really removed from my life completely by His grace. I remember praying last year to God to break my heart of stone because I was becoming someone that I didn’t want to be by drinking too much (not all the time, just more than I should’ve been) and lacking the compassion for people that I used to have. I hate that sin stole my marriage. I never really despised sin before this. I more bargained with it. God removed a boatload of temptations and struggles for me…unfortunately, I lost my wife in the process.

I guess I just want to know if I should attempt to write a letter to her before the divorce is final. I don’t even know what to say but I don’t want it on my heart that I didn’t try everything. I want to express my hurt, my sorrow for my sins against the marriage, my love for her, the sadness and frustration at her not even being adult enough to let me know it was over. Yet my other burden now is that my family says that she has hurt me so much (and acted so gravely against marriage vows) that if I ever got back with her, they would not talk to me anymore. What would you do? What do you recommend?


I would, if you insist on writing a letter, reword most of what you just wrote in letter form to her and send it. And thank her. Because the point of marriage is for two people to help each other save their immortal souls. And oddly enough, through her actions, through your pain in your divorce, you are back on the path to saving your soul. God writes straight with crooked lines. It sounds trite till you see the principle at work in your own life.

Thank her for what you learned from her and tell her you will pray for her. Then keep going. Focus on God and don’t take your eyes off of Him.

As for your family, sometimes our families hurt more for us than we do for ourselves. They took her in and accepted her? She betrayed them too. But they are dealing with rejection too, without any of the good memories you might have had of the love you shared. And they are worried about you and blame her.

Allow them their feelings. They are dealing with shock and the whole “How were we so easily deceived” emotions that go with having completely misjudged someone.

Don’t worry about getting back together and who would accept her. As you walk further down the path toward God and away from what your life with her was, you might find that you wouldn’t want her back either.

Good luck. I know it hurts. I’ve been there. Right now everything is radioactive with this emotional half-life attached to it. Only time can take care of that. Put stuff in a box. You’ll reopen it in a few years and find that it’s stopped glowing in the dark.


I wouldn’t. You are at a point now where she has accused you of abusing her, had her whole family in on it, etc.

Ask your lawyer first. I don’t think it’s a good idea.


check with your lawyer first
if you could not communicate well while you were married, do you really think a letter will convey what you want to say? do you even know what you want to say?


Ask your lawyer. You’ll need to show him the whole thing before you send it. Better this than getting yourself a restraining order or some other unfavourable verdict.


You could write it and not send it – it might help you, if anything. I agree with others–to check with your lawyer. I’m sorry this has happened to you–I have followed your threads. You’re in my prayers.

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