Writing a love letter when you don't love someone


#1

I want to write a love letter to my girlfriend, but I don't love her. That is, we haven't yet said "I love you" to one another, and I must admit that I'm afraid to even though I really like her and care for her greatly. I guess we have what is considered to be a long distance relationship and have only met in person once - our second meeting will be this weekend when we spend all Valentine's weekend together. We talk on the phone, by text and chatting online several times a day and so I feel very emotionally connected to her as a result of this, but not only am I afraid to say "I love you" (is it too early yet?) but I can't even compose a love letter because how can I say all those typical things that go into love letters when our relationship hasn't developed to that level yet? Don't get me wrong. I do love her and I want to tell her - in fact, I had a dream last night that I told her "I love you" on the phone (our first I love you) and knew that I had ruined it because I should've waited until we were together - but, again, it just seems like now isn't the right time. Things in a long distance relationship seem to take more time even though we're closer emotionally than I've ever been with anyone. Most relationships have that physical barrier which need to be crossed, but she and I have avoided that for the better, I think. I just wanted to write her a love letter for Valentine's Day, but I don't know what to say or how to say it. Maybe I ought to pray about it and write from the spirit and less from the heart.


#2

I don’t know how old you are, but as the mother of a teenage girl, I would tell you not to drop the L word unless you mean it. In my daughter’s circle, that phrase is passed around so lightly, kids who are “going out” say it after only a week or two, and as much as I try to tell her that she really isn’t in love with these guys, well…

If you are a romantic and want to write her a letter for Valentines Day, how about writing about The Things I Love About You. You can list the things that make you enjoy being with her, and the things about her that make her special to you.

Hope your weekend goes well.


#3

Do not tell her you love her until you are ready to make a long term committment, ready to discern marriage with her -

To do otherwise will rip her heart out and kick it when you break up.


#4

If you don’t love her, then don’t write a love letter!

I don’t understand what’s so complicated about this.


#5

As a woman, I have to agree with kage_ar. I myself become very uncomfortable when a guy tells me I’m beautiful, for those same reasons.

Nothing wrong with telling her that you care about her or telling her the things that make you smile when you think of her. But be careful. Take it slow.


#6

[quote="ack, post:4, topic:186300"]
If you don't love her, then don't write a love letter!

I don't understand what's so complicated about this.

[/quote]

I think you're right. I can't force it. It would be dishonest of me. Instead, I will just enjoy our time together. Yes, I think taking it slow is best.


#7

[quote="sanctamaria17, post:5, topic:186300"]
telling her the things that make you smile when you think of her.

[/quote]

That's a good suggestion. It's much more light-hearted and not so intense. This (or something similar) would be a good sweet thing to do without doing too much, too fast.

I remember that first Valentine's Day. ;) It's nearly impossible to find a Valentine's Day card that doesn't say "love" on it. My advice on that is to wait longer than you think you need to before you say it. Once it's out there, it's out there.

I think you're right that long-distance relationships generally move slower. The online/phone interaction can be great, but nothing replaces the face-to-face time.


#8

DON'T give into the hallmark card company pressure. St. Valentine has nothing to do with chocolate or romance.

You do not have to be pressured to do something just because the retail store say you should. It is NOT a real holiday.


#9

You said in the very first sentence that you don't love her. And then later on you say that you do. Confused?

I think you should hold off, even if you have really strong feelings. There is no hurry and you have only had a face to face meeting once. You need to spend more time together face to face, in my opinion.


#10

I agree with not forcing yourself and resisting the pressure of hallmarks, milestones etc. Can you be yourself? If so, be. If you can say you don’t love her, you’re unhappy with her, then you’ll have to quit and the sooner the better because the longer it takes, the more she will suffer.


#11

[quote="kage_ar, post:8, topic:186300"]
DON'T give into the hallmark card company pressure. St. Valentine has nothing to do with chocolate or romance.

You do not have to be pressured to do something just because the retail store say you should. It is NOT a real holiday.

[/quote]

True, but I think he should still consider what the girlfriend might be expecting. My wife knows that Valentine's Day has been puffed up by commercial entities and that, liturgically speaking, February 14 is Sts. Cyril and Methodius Day. But she still appreciates my doing something for her for Valentine's Day. :o


#12

That is what my wife always says! :thumbsup:

The only problem is that she has drawn a big red :heart: on her calendar. :doh2:


#13

Love is action. "I love you" is meaningless without acts of love. And if you act lovingly your girlfriend will come to understand that you care for her. "I love you" may be expected, and it will surely be tossed around in stopgap measures come Valentine's Day. Generally speaking, women expect it and men are ambivalent about it, this professing of love for a significant other. Valentine's Day is pregnant with snares, romantic and otherwise. It is a created "holiday", whose original intent may have been sweet and innocent but has since morphed into a deal-breaker for lots of couples.

As a woman, I have occasionally wished that a beloved not tell me he loves me. It has made me explore the relationship in more depth; it has opened up the "patience valve" so that I could practice loving without expectation. Women of 20 likely will not understand this; it's a hard-won reward of surviving into the autumn of life. All hail those women who deeply understand the unspoken. It makes the spoken delicious and lasting.

Limerick


#14

[quote="limerick, post:13, topic:186300"]
Love is action. "I love you" is meaningless without acts of love. And if you act lovingly your girlfriend will come to understand that you care for her. "I love you" may be expected, and it will surely be tossed around in stopgap measures come Valentine's Day. Generally speaking, women expect it and men are ambivalent about it, this professing of love for a significant other. Valentine's Day is pregnant with snares, romantic and otherwise. It is a created "holiday", whose original intent may have been sweet and innocent but has since morphed into a deal-breaker for lots of couples.

As a woman, I have occasionally wished that a beloved not tell me he loves me. It has made me explore the relationship in more depth; it has opened up the "patience valve" so that I could practice loving without expectation. Women of 20 likely will not understand this; it's a hard-won reward of surviving into the autumn of life. All hail those women who deeply understand the unspoken. It makes the spoken delicious and lasting.

Limerick

[/quote]

Thank you for your thoughtful words.

I don't want to say our weekend is all planned out, but I do know that she is looking forward to us cooking dinner together Friday evening, going to the Biltmore House all day on Saturday and sharing a picnic, and going to Mass together on Sunday. In between we will read together, watch movies and TV, play Wii, and, of course, talk and enjoy each other's company. She's already got me a framed picture of herself and a card, I know. I've got her a (silly) card, a small bag of her favorite chocolate, and a silver Mizpah charm necklace. I've sent an e-card which will arrive on Friday before I arrive telling her how much I look forward to spending time with her. I'm sure that's enough, really, but there was just something in me wanting to surprise her each day with something, but we both realize that getting to spend any amount of time together is the most important thing.

My girlfriend has more sense than me and so much more perspective about this relationship than me, which is why I admire her. And I do care for her very much and always try to express that as best I can not just in words. I've just never been in a relationship like this which wasn't soaking wet with romance and physicality and sex.


closed #15

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.