Writing Love Letters To Future Spouse

Recently, through the help of others (Including a Sister), and through tough discernment and observance of God’s signs for me, I have realized I think God is calling me to marriage. In light of this, I got really excited and happy, and I decided that, since I love my wife but I don’t know who she is yet, I will start writing love letters to her. All the girls I have told this to absolutely went nuts and said this was the sweetest thing they ever heard and that my wife will go crazy for me once she reads them, but I’m getting a lot of flak from guys about how I’m making a huge mistake by making these letters. I don’t understand what the harm is in doing this. I got the idea from Jason Evert, and to give you an idea of what these love letters look like, watch this video:


Is there really any harm in writing these love letters? I feel close to my wife when I write them, and they make me a better person. I am working harder in school in order to get a good education for my wife, I am working harder on becoming a better person, and better yet, I have zero temptations because of it. Every time I’m even slightly tempted to do anything, I think of my future wife and suddenly, I’m not tempted anymore. Writing these letters has given me a deeper appreciation for marriage and for my future wife, and I don’t see why these guys think this is a bad idea. :shrug:

I am not a guy, but I can hazard a guess. For many men, especially young, unmarried ones, acknowledging emotions is seen as a bad thing. It’s seen as weak, or feminine. But many women appreciate it when a guy can be open with them (think about the reaction you’ve gotten from your female friends). I agree that it is sweet. On a few occasions, my husband wrote me poetry (though this was after we met.) If his male friends knew about it, I’m sure he would get some jabs about it - but then he’s happily married, and most of his friends are still single. His approach seems to work better. :wink:

Thank you for your opinion! I’ve always been a romantic at heart, and I know what most women think is romantic or not romantic, and I knew most women would love this, and I wanted to do it, so I didn’t see any reason not to. I guess I’ll follow your husband’s lead and not be afraid of expressing romantic emotions. :thumbsup:

Yeah, go ahead and do it; it’s an awesome idea.

Just don’t talk to your guy friends about it. :rolleyes:

Haha, okay. I was just confused because they’re good Catholic guys. They were just on my case telling me it was a bad idea because apparently I would get an unrealistic expectation of what my wife will be like. That makes no sense whatsoever. :smiley:

I don’t see anything wrong with writing these notes. I personally would have found it strange if my husband had done this, but I am sure it depends a lot on the person. I wouldn’t like it because I see our relationship as something that grew and I didn’t feel that " I loved my future husband" because I didn’t know him and my husband thinks the same way. If you ended up with someone who thinks like me, then you might run into problems, but chances the kind of girl you would end up would really like it. It certainly can’t hurt to write the notes.

Harmful? Doubt it.

Weird? Uh, yeah . . . .

Yeah. Like everyone I have a particular “type” in a girl, and part of it is them being super girly and loving this kind of stuff, so I can’t see this ever being a problem with my future wife. But to kind of help you understand, when I write that I “love” my future wife, I don’t mean that I’m in love with her. I obviously can’t be because I don’t know her. But that doesn’t mean I can’t still love her and do things out of love for her. Does that make sense?

I’d prefer my husband write me love notes after he knew me.

Not to be rude, but I think your idea is a little odd. I would be really put off by it, as a woman. But, I admit that I am definitely the type to prefer men with more traditionally masculine qualities, including being a little more stoic and conservative with the outward displays of emotion.

Careful, that can get close to having friends who are invisible to anyone but you.

He just answered that with this post:

The purpose of these love letters is not to be all lovey-dovey oohey-gooey, and to talk in a flirty way. Their purpose is to convey the true devotion and intent of the person writing the letter to aim their life towards making the best possible marriage when it comes along, and to be able to show their future spouse by these love letters that when they were courting, they really were seriously thinking about true love in the process; not superficial love, sacrificial love.

You completely missed the point.

The other poster answered for me perfectly, but as for being masculine, I am masculine. I love doing masculine activities and rough-housing and all that good stuff. I’m just also a romantic. Nothing wrong about that, right?

I think it is a great idea! In the book of Tobit God says to Tobit about his bride to be, “Do not be afraid I have made her for you from the beginning.” This means that should you be called to marriage, you are basically already married. That is why fornication is basically adultery. You can cheat on your wife before you have even met her.

Plus, your heart pouring out to her she will feel and she will probably know you the moment she lays eyes on you.

Lady Love, you are as romantic as your title promises. :smiley: Thanks!

For the right woman, I’m sure it would be just fine :slight_smile:

I may be an old curmudgeon, but I learned a long time ago to never, ever put anything in writing that can come back an bite you in your backside at some future date!
If you are married to the lady and it is a good solid marriage, then express yourself to her by any and all means. However if you are merely wooing her and she is not yet committed to you BEWARE! What if you don’t marry her but someone else…and, for whatever reason your wife comes across your torrid letters to someone else? Big Gruesome, Bloody Trouble of the kind that no man deserves in this life.
So, be prudent and reserve your romantic epistles for your one and only wife. Do your wooing orally and commit nothing to paper…or video for that matter.

I’m a man, so it will not likely surprise you that I find the whole idea odd. My thoughts are similar to these two above. I think love letters are best written once you know the person.

I have a few thoughts as to what are the potential problems with this sort of approach:

a) It’s completely impersonal. You don’t yet know your future wife, so why would she want to read letters written to some idealised version of herself? Better to wait until you meet and start dating and then roll out all the prose and poetry that she can handle.

b) Following from that, I think there is a great danger in creating an idealised woman in your own mind that your future wife can never live up to. You already talk about having “a type” and seem to have expectations for your future wife. Be careful of this.

c) What is the point of these letters? To show her that you’re a serious man and are preparing well for a future marriage. The old saying “talk is cheap” may well apply here. No need to write such things…show her through your character and how you treat her.

d) “Girly” women, who you identify as your type, may like this sort of thing, but they also may like strong, stoic, masculine men. At the risk of incurring great wrath on this forum, I’d suggest that many women are in constant contradiction in wanting sensitive/emotional partners but also traditionally masculine partners. It’s a fine line to treat at times, so be careful.

Anyway, these are only *my *reasons why I would never have done such a thing. You can of course make up your own mind. Perhaps these letters serve the purpose of say a journal, where they are more for your own sake in terms of expressing thoughts and feelings, and then if you share that with your wife later on, it may be interesting for her to read…or it may be very odd.

But it won’t bite me in the backside. These letters are reserved to be read only when we get married. That means nobody but my wife will read them.

People seem to misunderstand what these letters are saying. I shall elaborate.

What these letters DO NOT say:

“I love you so much. You are brighter than a thousand suns, and I dream of walking on the beach with you and singing Barry Manilow songs softly into your ear.”

What these letters are SIMILAR to:

“I found out that I passed all of my tests and I am now a graduate. I am so proud of myself, because it was so hard getting to this point, but I did it out of love for you. Whenever it became hard to keep going, I thought of you, and now I have made it. I did it out of love and respect for you, and I hope I can build on this success.”

Like I said, it seems more like a journal entry than a love letter.

But the problem I raise still holds…the “you” is an impersonal you. It’s not addressed to your actual wife, but an idealised version of her in your mind at the time.

It also conveys a very stange message. That what you’re doing now is all out of love for her. Weird. What if you don’t get married? Would that render all your accomplishments worthless? What does that say about your attitude to your life now and whatever purpose God has for you now? It sounds a little like the “love and respect” you’re expressing in this letter properly belongs to God, not the idealised future wife who really only exists in your own mind right now.

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