Yet another dating thread


#1

Here we go…

Yesterday was St Valentine’s Day. I did not have a date. Nor will I have one this weekend, the weekend after that, &c. Any girls I show interest in don’t seem to reciprocate. So, here’re my pathetic questions:

  1. How can I tell if they like me?
  2. What’s the best way to meet them?
  3. Is there really such a thing as a soulmate? Has God predestined me to end up with one person, or am I free to choose, or is it somewhere in between?
  4. Why’s it so hard to find good Catholic girls?
  5. Any other good advice?

Well, I’m 22 and a college student, graduating this May. I’d like a nice Catholic girl who’s strong in her faith, although personally I have issues with mine (see the Eastern Christianity forum). Prayers and petitions.

–Adrian

PS: Is there a patron saint for lonely singles?


#2

First thing Is you need a different mindset. If you truly believe that your normal life on the weekends in the future will not involve girls then it will happen. When you think negative your body reacts to it. You wont smile, you will walk around defeated. You need to start believing that its odd that you don’t have a nice girl to talk and spend time with this weekend.

  1. Most women your age will not say say they like you unless you have sex with them, and obviously that is not your goal. Girls give off these subtle hints they like you without telling you. It is like a game, or to men bargaining for a car, you may love the car inside but you need to bargain to buy it first.

The basic rule is anything you wouldnt do to your best male friend is a way a girl shows she likes you. An example is if you make a joke and she rubs your arm, you wouldnt rub ur male friend if he was funny would you?

  1. If you just want to meet any girl than go to a bar, that is where girls who want to meet guys go. If you want to meet a future wife then spend more time involved with groups of people doing your hobbies.

  2. Don’t know this one

  3. In all honesty it is more satisfying to women under 25 to drink, be flirty, and have sex, than try and live life morally.

  4. Be outgoing and smile. Talk to everyone, male, female and get into the habit of being a nice friendly outgoing guy who smiles. Women like that. Second focus on your own life and own goals. Women should compliment your life not be it.

Please PM me if you want to talk further


#3

On second thought, the Don’t marry HER if… thread has enough brilliant advice for me, and then some. :smiley:

hlmem, thanks for the good advice. I do have some self-confidence issues, but it’s nothing major. Romantic issues should definitely be on the backburner for me.

–Adrian


#4

Find one in her late 20s…most of the younger ones as alluded to above are not sure of their course in life yet, and want to sew their wild oats. The right one will just drop into your life when the time is right. Don’t obsess over it.


#5

Stay in tune. Listen. With more than just your ears. If you really want, you can read some books about unverbal communcation, generally communication and all, but in fact, perhaps just tuning yourself to the other person should be enough. More than enough. No books cover that.

  1. What’s the best way to meet them?

Wish I knew. You generally meet people at schools you go to, work, social events, perhaps Internet environments (but be careful… poor girls really suffer from long distance, such as my poor, poor last one :(). I don’t believe in match-making, but for some people it has worked. I’m a believer in developing a common history. Life’s been kicking me hard over this, so maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t particularly wish to change. Just so you know that my advice may be flawed. Likely is. But whatever works for you I’m happy to tell you.

  1. Is there really such a thing as a soulmate? Has God predestined me to end up with one person, or am I free to choose, or is it somewhere in between?

Depends. The self-fulfilling prophecy works like this:

  1. You fall in love, it looks like a great match and everything works, you understand each other very well. You don’t split. You believe it’s the real thing, the other one is your soulmate, you might even believe in fate. I have believed in God’s leading me in certain directions and I still believe He made it that we got together with my best friend and until-recently girlfriend, which chance I wasted.

  2. You don’t survive. It falls apart. You’re dissatisfied. Or you find someone new. You believe it wasn’t it.

  3. You don’t survive. You blame yourself. You don’t get together with anyone else or you generally lead a lonely life. Perhaps you remember and recall the person forever. Then you may believe it was it and the chance was wasted.

As it looks, you just can’t really disprove the soulmate idea and whatever proof you can offer is quite self-constructing, that is, whatever you come to believe proves itself.

I used to believe in the one right person, but I stopped. I used to believe there was no such thing and you could just find great matches, maybe one, maybe several. I’m not so sure anymore. I don’t believe in matching that much.

Note: Most people are with one spouse. It’s not hard to believe in destiny getting you two together in such circumstances. You may believe the person was your “right one” because, well, it’s the only one you have in the sacrament of marriage. It’s supposed to be the only for as long as you both live. If you remarry later doesn’t mean you don’t see one of your marriages as the “essential” one.

Ideally, I’d like to see God’s finger and some of the soulmate thing in marriage, but the fact is that you receive very special graces in the Sacrament, while it stands that God cares for you and since He cares for every little bird, He surely isn’t indifferent to whom you marry.

Honestly, I don’t know if this is good spiritual practice, but I occasionally pray for my eventual wife, to find her, sometimes even for the daily matters to go well for now that she doesn’t know me. Getting romantic, I guess, probably not making it easy on myself, but so long as I don’t lapse into error… People have done this. Some are happy with it. Ask your priest?

  1. Why’s it so hard to find good Catholic girls?

Believe me I keep asking myself that. I live in a Catholic country. But take the populace of Catholics and divide by three for whom goes to church actually. Then think who of those people actually cares for such things as no sex before marriage or lenten discipline. Dear… Then find someone who isn’t a secular nun or monk, who is not the happiest with celibacy and disinterested in err… marital matters. And remember that you generally need to be attracted to the girl. Words such as pretty, smart etc come to mind. You may well die before finding one - and it working out (it can always not work out). I trust God will help. And I try to stay away from temptations to compromise my faith.

Note: Just because someone isn’t Catholic doesn’t mean she isn’t a good girl. May well be closer to salvation than I am. Makes me think of my best friend and recently not girlfriend…


#6

Another thing is what’s been said about the wild oats and having sex and drinking and partying and whatnot. Nothing wrong with sex (in marriage), drinking (in moderation - and in moderation in moderation :D), partying (yup, gimme… just not now). I just don’t really want to be a parking lot for someone who wasn’t there when she needed some fun but is there when I’m to provide for her and our children. Maybe I’m selfish.

  1. Any other good advice?

Yes. Avoid compromising your faith. Just know what is your faith and what is your ideas about your faith. You don’t have to make everyone Catholic or obey every rule. They have their own path of development and you are there to help them, not to push them or force them. Something I didn’t remember in the last relationship, which I regret. Remove the log from your eye before removing the splint from your neighbour’s. Wish I had remembered. Anyway…

Be lenient and merciful. Don’t have too high expectations. You don’t have to play along with everything, but people aren’t meant for upgrades, for meetings standards of other people like that. It’s not good to have unhuman expectations of other people. Or of oneself probably too. They aren’t God or saints, they’re people. So are we.

Be kind. Don’t get offended. Try not to get too hurt. Remember 1 Cor 13… As I should have.

Now, good luck. I’ll pray for you.

PS: Is there a patron saint for lonely singles?

I’m working on becoming one.


#7

When a girl is interested in you, it is not hard to tell. They make themself available, they show up where you are, they respond to your phone call and invitation to do things.

Also, when a girl is interested, it’s not difficult. By that I mean you are not doing all the work. She is reciprocating interest by accepting your invitation to a date, making suggestions of things to do, returning your phone calls promptly, etc.

At your age there are so many ways. Strike up a conversation in class, maybe ask about studying together. Meet them in the Newman Center if you have one at your college, or else through whatever Catholic group you do have. Ask friends to set you up.

Just hang out and be, do things that are interesting to you-- hobbies, causes, charities, etc-- and you will find women who are also involved in those same things.

God always wants what is best for us, but allows us to choose. There is no one soulmate for a person. There are many compatible people and you make the choice of the one with whom want to spend the rest of your life. Prayer and discernment will help you to know if you are making a good choice.

For the same reason we women find it difficult to find good Catholic men. Both are rare species at this time in history, when the secular culture permeates so much of our lives. Good women are out there, and they are worth the wait.

Yes, focus on being the best future husband possible. I highly recommend you pick up a copy of the book Date or Soul Mate by Dr. Neil Clark Warren.

You have plenty of time, don’t rush it. My husband felt as you do. He longed for a good, Catholic spouse. He joined Ave Maria online and had many rejections-- until he wrote to ME. Now we are married. I too always felt the dismay at not being able to find a spouse right for me. We did not marry until late in life-- I was 38 and he was 43.

And, perhaps this is why you are not yet ready to meet your spouse. You must have your own house in order first. If you are currently struggling with issues related to the faith, or otherwise, then you need to focus on that and let the rest come in its own time.

St. Raphael


#8

Thank you , hlmem for that extremely depressing assessment of women under 25.

There are in fact, some women under 25 who want to be good catholics. Not all of them are actively looking for husbands, though. Many are just living their lives, working, going to school, etc. Some are wondering where all the good catholic men are!

While it’s true that most women aren’t marriage material when they are only 18 or 21, not all of them are just interested in recreational sex with random partners. Honestly, a woman desperate for marriage is almost as bad as a woman determined to avoid it.

To the OP:

That brings me to my next point: the best way to find the person you are looking for is to stop looking. Just do your thing, meet people, and if the love of your life is in there somewhere, you’ll find her. In the meantime, you’ll make some cool friends and you won’t be so lonely. Loneliness is never helpful, it makes people desperate, and desperation is never attractive to a woman in her right mind. (or to a man, for that matter)

Another important note: You are only 22. It’s not like you’re going to be an old maid or anything. You have time.

As to your specific questions:

  1. How can I tell if they like me?
    This tends to vary from one woman to another. One thing hlmem was right about is that it’s often hard to tell, but many wait for the man to read their mind and make the first move. Chances are, though, that if she likes you and knows you well enough to feel comfortable, she’ll say yes if you ask her out.

  2. What’s the best way to meet them?
    First, pray. Give your love life over to God, and then make yourself stop worrying about it. If you start to worry, find somethign else to preoccupy yourself, (see my answer to number 5)

After that, just do your normal stuff. Go to mass. Maybe get involved in a ministry that is interesting to you. (DH was a eucharistic minister when we met, I was in the choir at our parish) We both met when we weren’t expecting it, and we weren’t looking for it.

  1. Has God predestined me to end up with one person, or am I free to choose, or is it somewhere in between?
    As with most things, there is God’s will and there is free will. Unfortunately, our choices are not always the ones He wants us to make.

  2. Why’s it so hard to find good Catholic girls?
    It’s like waiting for a pot to boil. If you obsess over it, it’s way harder to be patient, and it seems a lot harder to get to your goal. You’re about to graduate from college. Concentrate on celebrating that blessing, and finding your first job.

    1. Any other good advice?*

Yes. Find a cool hobby. Take up jogging. Carpentry. Blogging. Hike. Travel. Get a telescope and be amateur astronomer. Go birdwatching Read.

Single life is rewarding too, it offers one a certain level of freedom and discretion as far as how one spends his or her time. Enjoy it while you have it, and concentrate on being a whole man. (This is good for women, too actually. Regardless of one’s gender, it’s no good to waste time moping about singleness)

That way, if God does call you to marriage, You’ll have a more complete self to give to your wife. It’s good to have purpose in your life before you marry. That is something spouses can share!

Or, if you find yourself called to single life, then you won’t have to worry about having nothing to do!

Also, you say you are having trouble with your Catholic faith. Get yourself to a solid place before you think about seriously dating anyone. That could affect whom you choose, and who will choose you. There are some good catholic girls who won’t date men they can’t share their faith with completely.

Is there a patron saint for lonely singles?

No clue. My husband prayed to st. therese of Liseux before he met me. She’s my confirmation saint. Coincidence? Probably not.


#9

Yo Adrian! (sorry, couldn’t resist).

This reminds me of the Star Trek Next Generation episode where data was asking Capt. Picard advice about women and Picard’s answer was along the lines of “I’ll be happy to give you answers when I find them out myself”

Anyway, as a single male myself (old enough to be your dad if I had lived an immoral youth), I can only offer this:

Sometimes, half the battle is just to acknowledge you. If they are actually willing to carry on a conversation, that is a start. If they are willing to give you a phone number, initiate a phone call, ask YOU if you want to do something on the weekend, etc. is a good sign.

I try to participate in Catholic activities, although as another poster alluded to, many times the Catholic women are not interested in getting married in their early 20s (I think this may be mostly in urban areas where there are more professional women). I think many times women may not get serious until their later 30s when their clock goes off so loud that people call ATF…

We’re Catholics, not Calvinists. Too many people seem to have been co-opted by the view that God micromanages our lives. I’d be afraid to accept a ride from them, because they’d probably stop in the middle of the Dan Ryan in the middle of traffic praying novenas to find out if they should take the locals or express. I honestly think that this is more a mater of inability to make a decision on one’s own.

I know of only one place in the Bible where one’s spouse was pre-picked for them - soemwhere in Tobit.

On the other hand, the Cathechism - I think it is in paragraph 2230 - talks about parents’ need to allow children to make choices regarding state of life and spouse.

I wish I knew the answer, but part of the problem is that Catholicism is not ENFORCED by our Church leaders any more and stigmas (like those against pre-marital sex) that kept people’s behavior in check in the past no longer exist. Teaching is often lax, and I have found that people talk about Catholic principles, but when it is time for them to live up to it, they renege on it. The fact is that there are not as many “good Catholic girls” around anymore. They are definitely the “pearl of great price”.

Aside from what others said about living your life the best you can and being a good Catholic, be independent, because you could still be looking in your 40s, and if you don’t know how to cook and do your own laundry, you will starve to death in smelly filthy clothes or be spending a lot of money at Boston Market.

Don’t compromise your faith.

Be on guard against those who say only certain people are called to or are qualifed to get married. They have been deceived by the lesbian feminazi man-hating children-of-the-60s-and-70s “I don’t need a man” culture that is not based on Christian service but rather free love that comes from the contraception culture that has wreaked havoc on society. Rather, there is a part of the cathechism that states that marriage was instilled in everyone’s nature atthe beginnign. The bible attests to the fact that not everyone can handle celibacy, and it is in fact celibacy that is the minority vocation (see 1 Corinthians 7 as well as the part in Matthew - I think it is in chapter 18 - that talks about those who freely choose celibacy/become eunuchs for the Kingdom of God).

On that note - if you haven’t done so already - discern if you have a call to priesthood. You could take a lesson from what people have to consider when discerning whether or not they have a priestly vocation. Why do I say this? Because when people question whether or not God means for you to get married and if your discernment is that lifelong celibacy is not for you, you can tell them straight out that you did your discernment and they should stop questioning your discernment. Trust me, I went through the discernment process myself, and I wish people would stop questioning it; in fact, these people flat out need to be told to shut their pieholes.


#10

Have you ever looked in the “singles” ads? It’s almost all lonely men in their 20’s who can’t find anyone, and lonely women in their 40’s who can’t find anyone.

Hang in there for a while. Women in your age bracket, most of them, are not ready to get serious.

If you want a good Catholic wife who is strong in her faith, then develop the qualities that she would look for. Be a strong believer yourself; let it be known to others that you are firm in your faith, that you are a good spiritual partner, a good prayer partner. Someone, someday, will respond positively to these qualities, deciding that she wants you.

I was very lonely in my 20’s. I finally found a good Catholic girl when I was 27. We married when I was 29, and are about to celebrate our 27th anniversary. It’s been a very happy marriage. It can happen! Don’t lose hope.

I’m going to Mass an hour from now, and will mention you in my intentions.

Blessings… - Rob in Oregon


#11

To the comments about women under 25…

Well I did the sex, drink, partying thing at that age but believe me, it wasnt really because thats all i was interested in. It was a slippery slope i fell into because I wanted to feel loved and cared about. It soon became apparent to me that the way to get that feeling was to behave in a sexual way towards the men I was spending time with. I regret all of this so much and I wish I had met a man at the time who did not simply want to get me into bed. Anyone who says that this is what young girls are looking for is an idiot. This is what young girls do because thats what men seem to only want that from them. Girls get used and abused - but idiots who think thats all that women that age want. Man that makes me so mad! I never wanted that stuff- i just wanted to feel loved!!!


#12

Yes, Cadence, that is true. I can attest to that from all what I know. I think it’s sad for the girls. I surely don’t take it against them. I may have been cruel in what I previously said. I don’t know if it’s true about all the girls at that age, but certainly about some, perhaps about most. Another thing that’s come to my mind is perhaps that “want that” can mean “will that” rather than want it truly. Many people at that age (well, my age, I’m 24 myself) are after sex and that’s their will, although not really what they want in the sense of wanting it rather than true love.


#13

Thanks, I appreciate your reply.
It sucks that I’m only 26 and already feel as jaded as I do. So much for all the dreams I had when I was a little girl huh?


#14

Dear Cadence and friends,

I just had another birthday (age 46) and I have never been married. I am what some would call an “old maid”. I just spent a long vacation in Florida with my mom, my brother, and his family (including two pre-teen girls) and I spent Valentines Day with them, and it was the BEST.

When I was 26 I was as jaded as you. In retrospect, I am so blessed today, even without a husband! Over the years, I have put my present and my future in God’s (and Immaculate Mary’s) hands. If that future include a husband, I’ll accept God’s Will, but right now I’m having a great time. I’ve gone back to school, travelled a lot, am working on a writing career, and have made many many friends, and am simply enjoying my family.

When I was a little girl, if I knew my life would be like this at age 46, I would be awestruck, because God’s dreams for me have far surpassed my own. Sorry to bore you. Please know that I am praying for all you single 20 somethings. It gets better, it really does! :slight_smile:


#15

Sin does that. Make sure you’ve made a good confession, ask for guidance from your confessor with regard to the guilt and jadedness you feel, place God at the center of your life and vision. Consider that human beings are each spokes sticking out from the center that is God. The closer we get to God, the closer we get to one another.

As for the good advice, stay away from sin. When I was in college my church community was filled with young adults who were chaste and committed to remain so. When I strayed from that community, my whole life just got so messed up. Now I’m a single, 39 year old mom with a really ugly past.

The good news is that I’m forgiven and have set my sights on God and His will for my life. That is what He asks of every one of us. Life is not over because of sin. We have forgiveness and the opportunity to begin again (and again and again…).

Blessings to all.

Gert


#16

Thank you, Cadence, as well. You say ou are jaded, which seems to be true to some extent, but I can also sense something opposite to jadedness coming from you. Still have hope? :wink: Good. Certainly, I do as well, though I’m way too cynical for my age. I’m 24 and people have called me their favourite 90 year old… Still, God’s the best planner ever and I’m sure He has something great there for every one of us. I wonder what He has for me and even the plain human curiosity beats any jadedness. I just trust that everything happens for a reason and I try not to make it too hard on people. Though the results are varied. :wink: Anyway, wish you all the best. You’re still young. :wink:


#17

Hey Augustinian,
well, I would recommend not thinking about girls that much. Really. Ask God what he wants in your life. “Lord, thy will be done. I know what I want, but if it is not what you want, I do not desire it either. I want to do your will”. And that’s it, don’t think about girls too much. You need to know something about that prayer though, it is hard to say, BUT rest assured that whatever God wants for you will bring you the greatest happiness so don’t worry so much alright! God loves you.

-Alison


#18
  1. Ask them. It’s the only way you’ll know for sure, and honesty is SUPER IMPORTANT in any relationship.
  2. There’s no best way, but talking to them is a good start. ^^
  3. It’s somewhere in between… you’re always free to choose, but there is probably one person out there who God intended for you. Prayer is the best way to determine this. Don’t worry to much about messing up God’s plan; He’ll guide you if you let Him.
    4)Because they aren’t the majority of the population. But you can and will find them. Just pray. Who knows, you could meet one tomorrow. ^^
  4. Just to reiterate: PRAY and BE HONEST. #1 mistake most people make is not being honest, and prayer NEVER hurts.

Good luck! ^^


#19

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