…you only serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color for the season.
…you didn’t know chow mein noodles were a Chinese food.
…when someone mentions red and green (in terms of Christmas), you immediately think of a battle over hymnals.
…during the entire service you hold your hymnal open but never look down at it.
…during communion you hum the hymns so you can see who’s at church that Sunday.
…rather than introducing yourself to a visitor at church, you check their name out in the guestbook.
…you forget to put water in the baptismal font but never forget to put water in the coffee pot.
…the pastor skips the last hymn to make sure church lasts exactly 60 minutes. (Gotta beat the Baptists to Burger King, The Mormons to McDonald’s and the Catholics to Cracker Barrel then)
…you make spaghetti at your house with the little macaroni noodles because they’re not so messy then.
…you don’t make eye contact when passing someone in the hall because you think it’s impolite.
…in response to someone jumping up and shouting “Praise the Lord!”, you politely remind him or her that we don’t do that around here.
…your choir believes volume is a fair substitute for tonality.
…you make change in the offering plate for a ten.
…your dad’s name is Luther N., your brother is Luther Hahn and you are Lew Theran.
…you think butter is a spice.
…the church is on fire, and you rush in to save the coffee pot.
…you have more than five flavors of Jell-O in your pantry.
…you know what a “dead spread” is.
…someone asks you after church if there’s any “decaf coffee” and you laugh because you KNOW that if it doesn’t have caffeine, it can’t be coffee!
…you think anyone who says “casserole” instead of “hotdish” is trying to be uppity (or maybe even Episcopalian!)
…you think the term “Jell-O salad” is redundant.
…you think you’re paying your pastor too much if he gets a new car for the first time in eight years.
…your LCMS pastor refers to St. Louis as “the holy city.”
…at Thanksgiving you serve lutefisk and try to convince your kids it’s really a turkey.
…you’re at an evangelistic rally and you actually manage to raise your hands waist high.
…the only mealtime prayer you know is “Come Lord Jesus.”
…you and your family of six squeeze into the last pew along with the 140 members already sitting there.
…you’re 57 years old and your parents still won’t let you date a Catholic.
…you can actually come up with responses to this.
…you sign a petition to have Campbell Soup Co. rename its “Cream of Mushroom soup” “Lutheran Binder!”
… you pronounce the word Lutheran “Lutern.”
…requests you hear are preceeded or followed by the phrase, “If it’s not too much trouble then…”
…you know all the words to the first verse of “Silent Night” in German but can’t speak a word of it.
…you carry silverware in your pocket to church just in case there’s a potluck.
…you have an uncontrollable urge to sit in the back of any room.
…your house is a mess because you’re “saved by Grace,” not by works.
…you think that an ELCA Lutheran bride and an LCMS Lutheran groom make for a “mixed marriage.”
…Folgers has you on their Christmas list.