Young adult children not dating


#1

Does any one have any adult children who rarely date and have had no ongoing relationships? Are some kids late bloomers? When should I worry? I don't think my son is planning to become a priest but he's 24 and not dating.
Shouldn't he show more interest in meeting a nice girl at his age? He says girls just don't travel in his current circles. He's interested in constitutional law and making radical changes in our current monetary system. I've been to his rallies, there really are no women there. Most of his meetings and organizations are just too radical, too testosterone laden. I also suspect he is very shy with women. Should I worry?


#2

God calls everyone in a different way.

Some people are called to Holy Orders early in life or late in life.

Other people are called to Marriage early in life or later in life.

There are yet other people who are neither called to Holy Orders or Marriage at any point in their life.

At this point, i wouldn't worry. There could be a day where he takes an interest in women. i have an aunt and uncle who met later in life. They were already into their 40's when they met and late 40's/early 50's when they got married and hardly ever dated before that point in their lives.

If God does want to call him to marriage and if he is too shy to confront women, i would guess (but it's only a guess) God would send a woman to confront him to initiate things.


#3

What is there to be "worried" about?

Your son has a right to self determination when it comes to his vocation and choice of a spouse. Stay out of it, Mom. It's not your business.


#4

[quote="m_crane, post:1, topic:180642"]
Does any one have any adult children who rarely date and have had no ongoing relationships? Are some kids late bloomers? When should I worry? I don't think my son is planning to become a priest but he's 24 and not dating.
Shouldn't he show more interest in meeting a nice girl at his age? He says girls just don't travel in his current circles. He's interested in constitutional law and making radical changes in our current monetary system. I've been to his rallies, there really are no women there. Most of his meetings and organizations are just too radical, too testosterone laden. I also suspect he is very shy with women. Should I worry?

[/quote]

I wouldn't worry. My brother is 31 and he hasn't dated in years. The reason being is that he's so busy with work and finishing up his masters degree, there's literally no time for him to date and to him, it doesn't make sense to date when he's financially not ready to marry or to give any time to a girlfriend/spouse. It is also harder to meet people once you're out of college.

My sister had the same problem until recently. She's in her mid twenties and after college had a very difficult time meeting men who she'd be interested in. Now she has been with a wonderful guy for a little over a year. She met him through a mutual friend and unfortunately they have a long distance relationship, but they are very happy and I wouldn't be surprised to hear of some good news in the next few months.


#5

[quote="m_crane, post:1, topic:180642"]
Does any one have any adult children who rarely date and have had no ongoing relationships? Are some kids late bloomers? When should I worry? I don't think my son is planning to become a priest but he's 24 and not dating.
Shouldn't he show more interest in meeting a nice girl at his age? He says girls just don't travel in his current circles. He's interested in constitutional law and making radical changes in our current monetary system. I've been to his rallies, there really are no women there. Most of his meetings and organizations are just too radical, too testosterone laden. I also suspect he is very shy with women. Should I worry?

[/quote]

Perfectly normal. I don't know if such young men are average or not. But they are perfectly normal.


#6

[quote="1ke, post:3, topic:180642"]
What is there to be "worried" about?

Your son has a right to self determination when it comes to his vocation and choice of a spouse. Stay out of it, Mom. It's not your business.

[/quote]

It sounds like she is just being a "mom" and is concerned for her son's well being.

m crane, I don't think there is much to worry about. It sounds like he has his priorities straight for now. I often tell my close friends that I think it would be so much easier to wait until after college to date seriously. I know I would never have taken my own advice because I'm a typical man.


#7

[quote="1ke, post:3, topic:180642"]
What is there to be "worried" about?

Your son has a right to self determination when it comes to his vocation and choice of a spouse. Stay out of it, Mom. It's not your business.

[/quote]

this


#8

I'm a young adult and I'm not dating. I believe God is calling me elsewhere.

Remember, the vocation of single life and religious life, such as that of a religious brother are God's special vocation for people.

Becoming a priest or a married person are not the only options.

The protestant belief system of our society stigmatizes people who are unmarried. Don't back up protestant society. Back him up as a supportive, Catholic mother.

God comes first, always.


#9

I'm 23 and I'm not dating.. I really don't think there's anything wrong with that :) maybe your son just hasn't met the right person yet, or this isn't the time.


#10

I’m twenty three and i’ve only been on two dates. It’s hard for me to meet people due to my school, the area i live in, and my political views ( i am conservative and i live in DC :o)
So I would hope the answer is no. Think of it this way—do you want your children to date random people or to look for someone they can have a meaningful relationship with?


#11

Does he want to date but is unsuccessful with women, or is it something he has no interest in at the moment? Whether you should be worried depends on whether your son is suffering because of it.


#12

[quote="m_crane, post:1, topic:180642"]
He's interested in constitutional law and making radical changes in our current monetary system. I've been to his rallies, there really are no women there. Most of his meetings and organizations are just too radical, too testosterone laden.

[/quote]

Actually, I'm more interested in hearing more about these "organizations" and "rallies" that want to make radical changes in our current monetary system and whether or not they are legitimate or one of those militia-style groups.


#13

Sorry to disagree with some, but I can understand the OP. I also respectfully but more strongly disagree with the notion that "Mom should mind her own business." In other words, I thing you're all wrong! Sorry for a long post.

I write this as a married guy, a parent, and a former single guy.

One aspect of parenting that IMHO is sorely overlooked is the skill of teaching our children to find quality mates as they get to the "age when that is expected." Let me respectfully note the following:

  1. While true that "some are called to religious life," such calling should be explained in the context of what's right for the person. In other words -- if you want to become a priest, fine, but do so because you are called to that, not b/c you can;t find a wife and "fall into" a vocation. Failing to find a spouse does not mean you are called to a vocation.

  2. Finding a spouse is a lost art form. Society, friends, etc., often value the wrong things. Ever read a personal ad? Many say the same things, i.e., "I like long walks on the beach, I'm looking for someone funny," etc. Aren't we all? Instead, what is really important is finding a person who is dedicated; devoted to one's family; kind; industrious, etc., i.e., not a layabout, a spendthrift, etc. .

  3. As we go through teens, 20s, etc., we are expected to learn how to interact with others of the opposite gender; learn the differences between men & women, etc. That's part of growing up. IMHO, learning how to interact with the opposite gender is part of maturing, to the point where we can be prepared for relationships and eventually marriage....or at least, healthy relationships with other people.

  4. That said, there is a "range of reasonableness" for learning these things. It's normal to hit adolescence and start to like the opposite gender....so, in high school, we have proms, etc....because those events are "normal," and part of the process of learning how to interact with others, ask someone out, etc. However, it's not really "normal" to be 45 & have never learned to interact with a person of the opposite gender, such that you can ask someone out for coffee. If you don't want to, once again, fine -- but you should be able to, and know how to, if you DO want to, long before you're 45....because learning how to is part of being a healthy person

Now to the OP: It's probably OK IMHO that son isn't "into women." I wasn't really either at 23! But what Mom also notices is that sonny's life is too testosterone laden. Once again, there's a place for that...but life is more than testosterone. Mom seems to be saying, "he's going way overboard, is this normal?" Everyone is saying, "yes." I counter with, "if mom needs to ask, maybe he is going a bit overboard," and maybe he needs a bit of well-rounding...

...because, like I said above, if he doesn't learn that well-rounding at 23, he may not have it at 33 when he wants to settle down and he is "competing" with guys who know how to ask a lady to go have coffee after church, and he doesn't.

Finally, as to the notion that "God will send someone to us when it's right, etc.," I respond, "it sure helps if we look around for that someone!" There are lots of 45 year olds who are still waiting for Mr./Ms Right, but may not find that person, either because of unreasonable expectations, or because they really never learned "dating 101," etc. - and those things need to be taught by parents, not by friends, society, trashy magazines, etc.

Anyway, I've said my peace. For OP: I respectfully suggest that you gently tell your son, "while you change the world's monetary policy, how about an art museum someday, or music at the local bookstore...or even a Catholic singles function..." (My parents pulled that one on me. I fought going....and then a tall blonde picked me up. We'll celebrate our 10th anniversary in not too long...).


#14

Today's dating scene is nothing, but an occasion of sin. Let him be and don't worry yourself over it. His life's calling is not yours to discern.


#15

Sounds as if your son has a full and interesting life - there is only so much that one can do so maybe dating is down his list of priorities at the moment. That's not something to worry about.

I'm not sure why you would be worried. But then I couldn't understand when people were worried that I wasn't dating at his age - many years ago. When I asked why they were worried I would be told that I would either end up a frustrated spinster, I'd put myself at risk by marrying later and being an older mother. or I'd become so set in my ways that no one would want me. (Ended up single by choice.)

A slight diversion - I am aways interested that some people think it is okay to ask single people questions they wouldn't ask the engaged and the married. These include why aren't you married? Won't you miss having children?" or to people in my age group "Why didn't you marry?" or "Don't you wish you had had children"?

So relax - what's important is that your son discerns his Vocation and vocation (job) and that he gets support in doing so.


#16

Maybe it has something to do with his rather esoteric choice of career, as you've alluded to? When I was in my prime dating years a few years ago, I was also struggling to make it through my undergradate work in a field that, while certainly not DEVOID of women, was somewhat intimidating and less than popular with all but the most bookish, academically-minded women. Not surprisingly, they were mostly like their male counterparts when it came to social activities like dating. If coursework meetings counted as dates just because they often took place at cafes and lasted til the wee hours of the morning, then I could say that I "dated" a lot. As it is, I worked hard and it paid off.

Not to be crude, but I would much rather come home with a degree than some of the other things you can pick up at college if you're out there "playing the field" rather than focusing on what you're really there to do!

I wouldn't worry, though it's rather sweet that you do, I guess.


#17

My brother did not marry until he was 40, to a woman he met through a Catholic online dating service. I did not marry until I was 30, and I had had only one steady boyfriend prior to that.

It may be that your son, like me and my brother, is sort of a "geeky intellectual" type who doesn't believe in simply making friends or dating people just to be doing it -- they have to have some kind of common interest for there to be a relationship at all.

Is it possible that he has at least a slight case of what is known as Asperger Syndrome -- a high-functioning form of autism that is more prevalent among men than women? Most "Aspies" are highly intelligent and verbal -- some have gifted or genius-range IQs -- but socially awkward and often have difficulty making friends. What friendships they do have almost invariably center around a common interest like trains, airplanes, a sport, computers, or (in your son's case) constitutional law and politics.

I wonder, also, if the "rallies" your son attends are "tea party" type gatherings of libertarians or objectivists who preach a rugged individualism kind of philosophy in which government is strictly limited to national defense only, all taxation is bad, no one should ever be "forced" to do anything for anyone else, etc. While they may have a point about not letting big government run everything, still, the notion that we should all just fend for ourselves and we have no duty whatsoever to anyone else or to a common good is not likely to attract too many women, especially women who are interested in marrying and having children. That might be limiting his prospects somewhat.


#18

Gee......and I thought my mom was the only one who worried about this sort of thing. :D

I'm 28, and never been on a date. (Although, I did just recently meet the most amazing guy right here on the CAF, who asked me on a date......so perhaps that will change soon.) :p

But, anyway, yeah, my mom seems to worry about this constantly. And by "worry", I mean she would constantly find ways to hand me advertisements for Catholic singles websites, or give me books about Catholic courtship, etc., etc., etc. Very annoying!! :rolleyes:

I don't think it's anything to worry about. What's more important is the reason behind not dating (if there is one). In my case, I have severe health problems, which really interrupted my life. I suspect my mom is worried that I don't know how to interact with guys, since I missed all those crucial years of high school and have such a limited social life. I know she means well and only wants to help, but it's really frustrating. (If she breaks into tears at another diaper commercial, because she really wants grandchildren from me......I'm going to lose it!!!)


#19

Fortunately, I think my mom has given up. When I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome last year it pretty much nipped that discussion. I'm sure some people in the family thought I was gay. All my siblings and cousins are married except for the two homosexuals.


#20

[quote="m_crane, post:1, topic:180642"]
Does any one have any adult children who rarely date and have had no ongoing relationships? Are some kids late bloomers? When should I worry? I don't think my son is planning to become a priest but he's 24 and not dating.
Shouldn't he show more interest in meeting a nice girl at his age? He says girls just don't travel in his current circles. He's interested in constitutional law and making radical changes in our current monetary system. I've been to his rallies, there really are no women there. Most of his meetings and organizations are just too radical, too testosterone laden. I also suspect he is very shy with women. Should I worry?

[/quote]

Only if he would like to approach a woman but is too shy to do it, which likely is not the case. Maybe he simply has not met the right woman. In that case, it'd be better to keep waiting. :) No wife is better than a random wife and a girlfriend is not necessary. ;)

[quote="dzheremi, post:16, topic:180642"]
Not to be crude, but I would much rather come home with a degree than some of the other things you can pick up at college if you're out there "playing the field" rather than focusing on what you're really there to do!

[/quote]

Of all the years spent in institutions of learning, I regret the time spent chasing girls and women probably the most. Relationships of students tend to be fickle and several hours a day spent on them are not refundable.


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